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lizzi · Jan 17, 2009, 02:48 AM

Hi let me start by telling you the good news... After 16 years I have found my sister.She was adopted when she was 1 year old and I have found her through the bt phone book... The bad news is I'm scared... Because I went looking for her and I don't know if that's against the law she will be 18 this month and I really have missed my baby sister.I rang them up last night and spoke to her adoptive brother he was very shocked but so was I it took me 12 years to find her.He took my phone number after 30 minutes of talking about my sister but they still haven't got back intouch with me.I have there phone number which I have tried ringing but no one is picking the phone up to me I really hope I haven't blown my chance to meet my baby sister.. Can anyone tell me if I have done the wrong thing all I wanted was to see my little sister.. Shouldnt by now her adoptive mum and dad told her that she was adopted surely they should of by now please I really need abit of advise this means a lot to me and I need positive anserws... Thank you for taking time to read this I feel scared one minute then happy I found her the other.

tickle · Jan 17, 2009, 03:54 AM

lizzi, there is nothing aganst the law in you finding and contacting your adoptive sister. There is a possibility that they may not have told her and if no one calls you back then I guess you have to leave it be for the time being. Could be they want to break it to her gently to not shock her. That is a lot to ingest.

artlady · Jan 17, 2009, 04:16 AM

Oh no sweetheart you have done nothing wrong,reaching out to love is always a good thing . Finding your sister is beautiful.

Wow, that's so incredible.

That you found her is fantastic but as tickle said maybe she didn't even know about her past and her parents have to prepare her.

It's a heavy thing to find out you were adopted.Maybe they never told her and they realize they have done her a disservice and you may have shook things up .hence they are busy dealing with what they should have from day one.

I don't know what information the brother gave you but it sounds like he is willing to bring you together.

Try calling from another phone and see if they pick up.It might give you an indication if they are avoiding you.

I hope not my dear. You did nothing wrong ,perhaps they did by lying and now they are afraid of copping to it.

All gods love to you and please give us an update.. I really do get involved!

Synnen · Jan 17, 2009, 09:35 AM

Contacting a minor that doesn't know you without contacting their parents first is NOT a good idea. It's kind of creepy, actually.

You SHOULD have waited until she was 18.

They may NOT have told her that she was adopted. You may have opened a HUGE can of worms in their household that they have to deal with before they can even THINK about dealing with you.

Leave them alone.

They took your phone number, you will be contacted when she is ready.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 17, 2009, 09:53 AM

So many questions.

Did the girl even know she was adopted?

Did she know she even had a sister ?

Are you 100 percent sure you got the right number ?

All contacts should always be done though a third party, a attorney, or social worker, a pastor or even a friend.

You have no idea if the sister was wanted to find you, she may resent or hate you for some untold reason. May not want to find any old family members.

Just because you wanted to find her does not mean she wanted or needed it. If she had a lot of other emotional things going on right now, this may have been really too much at one time.
Esp if she did not know,

If I was doing it, at this point, I would have my pastor or some other party, call and talk to the parents and see what has happened.

lizzi · Jan 17, 2009, 01:08 PM

Thank you for your ansrews but I HAVE been contacted by her adopted mother and SHE IS MY SISTER and she is sending me some pictures of her which I'm really happy about.My sister does know about me and she does know that she is adopted she was told that aged 4... Im sorry for the big letters but some people should not speak to me like I'm a child I know what I'm doing and I have sucseeded... I phoned social services this morning and they have told me there is NO law in finding my sister SO THERE IS NO CAN OF WORMS OPEN HERE everything is fine like her mum said to me she was expecting someone to contact her about my sister so she wasn't that surprised... Im so happy I have found her and I'm hoping sometime in the future that we will have that sisterly bond... :D

ScottGem · Jan 17, 2009, 01:21 PM

Comments on this post
lizzi disagrees: you are pathetic u don't even know the law

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html

You have been told correctly, there is no law preventing you from attempting to contact your sister. But I agree with Synnen, you did do the wrong thing. Fortunately it has turned out OK.

In my opinion you have no moral or ethical right to make contact with a minor about an adoption. Yes, you DID potentially open a can of worms. What if this person was not your sister. You say you found her through the phone book, what proof did you have that she was your sister?

Think about the consequences of your actions. What would have happened if she had not been your sister? Can you imagine the upheaval in her life? Frankly, I think you acted very selfishly.

What you SHOULD have done is contacted the parents directly. Explain to them who you were and asking that they let you re-establish contact with their daughter. The likelihood is pretty good that they would have, but at least they would have been able to break this news more gently.

I'm glad for both of you that things turned out all right, but I can certainly see how they could have gone horribly wrong.

lizzi · Jan 17, 2009, 01:25 PM

Let me tell you I did not speak directly to my sister I still haven't spoke to my sister I spoke to her adoptive mum so who are you to tell me that I am wrong when I haven't contacted her directly I'm sorry to sound horrible but if you let me explain instead of accusing then maybe you would understand the situation

Oh and one more thing I knew she was my sister I double checked before rushing int things I'm a grown women myself and have four children I know what I'm doing is right.. My sister is going to find out one day about her REAL family and I THINK I have done the right thing and it has turned out very well and I'm looking for a good future so thanks for your comment

lizzi · Jan 17, 2009, 01:33 PM

Scottgem why was my rating off balance?? She told me to wait till she was 18 better out know then later on it may have been worse and this way I think I done the right thing whoop whoop I'm soooo happy I found my little SISTER

ScottGem · Jan 17, 2009, 01:36 PM

First you DID explain. I quote; "I rang them up last night and spoke to her adoptive brother he was very shocked..." So the first person you talked to and revealed the info to was her brother NOT her parents. You still should not have contacted them by phone, but in doing so, you should have, at least talked first with one of her parents.

I agree with you that your sister has a right to know her bio family.I see nothing wrong in trying to establish contact. My problem is with your methods.

You say you double checked but you don't explain what proof you had. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt since it turns out you were correct.

But I would caution ANYONE trying to contact an adopted relative that they should proceed with extreme caution. Initial contact should be made through an intemediary. It should be determined whether the adoptee wants contact and if they don't their wishes should be respected. You did not give those options. That's where I strongly feel you were wrong. Not in wanting to contact but in how you went about it.

artlady · Jan 17, 2009, 01:39 PM

Girl.. God Bless you and don't let these people try to rain on your parade.

I know you won't

:D:D:p;):rolleyes:

ScottGem · Jan 17, 2009, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by lizzi

Scottgem why was my rating off balance????She told me to wait till she was 18 better out know then later on it may have been worse and this way i think i done the right thing whoop whoop im soooo happy i found my little SISTER

The reason your rating was off base is because Synnen expressed her opinion. She never said that legally you needed to wait, just that it wasn't a good idea. The guidelines state that a negative rating should only be given when the advice is factually incorrect and Synnen's advice was not.

Again, I strongly feel that your desire and attempts to contact your sister were the right thing to do. But I just as strongly feel that you went about it in the worst way and that you are lucky things didn't become messy.

ScottGem · Jan 17, 2009, 01:42 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

Girl..God Bless you and don't let these people try to rain on your parade.

I know you wont

:D:D:p;):rolleyes:

So you think its OK for someone to just barge into another family's life and potentially cause an upheaval? Do you think about the consequences of such an action?

lizzi · Jan 17, 2009, 01:42 PM

Maybe I did go the wrong way of contacting her but I was 100% sure that was my sister and yes I did speak to her brother first but he was older and mature and we both agreed that we won't tell my sister I have rang as it would be better if her mum did it.Im sorry for having a go but this is one of my happy days and some people are spoiling it making me be the bad guy but I'm not she is my sister and she has a right to know about me.. Doesnt it mean I care about her? Also I didn't state this I only found out today that she keeps a photograph of her real family in her bedroom does that make you think well yes she is thinking about her real family?

ScottGem · Jan 17, 2009, 01:49 PM

Ok, I'm not trying to make you a "bad guy". But other people in a similar situation may view this thread. I do not want such people to think that its OK to just ring up the adoptive family out of the blue. I think you went with your heart here and not your head. Lucky for you it worked out and I'm very happy for you and your sister. But you and others who may view this thread, have to understand that it could have also gone very wrong. Thatr's what Synnen and I are trying to point out.

I am going to add here that we do not allow personal attack or insults on this site. Such posts will be removed. I have every right to express my opinion. You have no right to dictate who can or can't respond to anything you post. As long as the responses stay within the rules, anyone can add their opinions. If you don't like what someone posts or thinks it violates the rules, then report the post.

lizzi · Jan 17, 2009, 01:54 PM

I appricaite your view and yes I did go the wrong way about it but it worked out right for me and I'm a happy big sister now... I wouldn't suggest people to do it my way but I knew how to find her as she has lived at the same address since she was a baby and when I was in foster care we used to have visits to my sisters house to see her... So I had a lot of information to go on its not like I just picked out all the people with the same name as my sister and rang them all I did a lot of thinking and it took me along time to find her and I'm sorry if my views was abit strong but I'm trying to explain that I did it over a matter of years and not the way you people think

lizzi · Jan 17, 2009, 01:59 PM

And I'm not throwing insults at anyone like you said people have there own opinions and I won't report any posts this is what sites are about arnt they?? I just wanted advise I'm a happy sister isn't there any nice people out there that would say good luck or well done and I appriciate artlady at least she understands x

J_9 · Jan 17, 2009, 02:05 PM

I do congratulate you on your good fortune, yet, as you admit, you did go about it the wrong way. My SIL tried to find her birth mother, she did, and it totally backfired on her. The mother wanted nothing to do with her, and that crushed her.

Again, I congratulate you, but this could have been very detrimental to her family.

lizzi · Jan 17, 2009, 02:07 PM

Tyvm J_9 yes I do admit I went the wong way about it and I'm sorry to hear about that but thank you for your nice comment xx

ScottGem · Jan 17, 2009, 02:08 PM

Originally Posted by lizzi

And im not throwing insults at anyone like you said people have there own opinions and i wont report any posts this is what sites are about arnt they??? I just wanted advise im a happy sister isnt there any nice people out there that would say good luck or well done and i appriciate artlady atleast she understands x

You are missing the point here. You obviously didn't want advice. You wanted someone to tell you that you did good. That's not the same thing. I'm sorry, but I can't, in good conscience, tell you that you did completely good. I can be happy for you and your sister. I can be glad that it worked out for you. Which I am. But I can also wish that you had gone about it a different way. Which I do.

I do wish you luck, but I cannot say "well done".