[Kadehadaire]

I need to break up with my boyfriend. What should I do? He'd go to pieces!

[Wildcat21]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm - do it in person!!

Tell him the truth.

IF he goes to pieces, that's not good - he has put WAY too much importance in to this. They may be a grea tlearning experience for him. Seriously.

Does he smother you?

If you don't want to be with him - end it. Tell him EXACTLY why - no fluff.

[valinors_sorrow]

When a couple breaks up, its actually difficult on both partners. Its just different for the one who does the breaking up from the one who gets broken up with -- both have experienced a serious loss that has emotional impact. Its just that the one who initiates the breaking up has a bit of a head start on it. I don't know if its ever easy but the best way is in person, tell your truth and be prepared to answer a few questions. This isn't open to negotiation so don't get lured into that type of activity as a means to "soften the blow" -- its not really kind of you in the long run. Negotiating for a different relationship should have been the stage before breaking it off. Short, sweet and to the point. Make arrangements for whatever needs to be handled such as returning possessions, etc and then hopefully you can wish each other well (always good to end on that kind of note) and say your goodbyes. From that point on, you take care of you and your ex takes care of himself -- very important. Then be as scarce as possible since running into each other in the first months following can be traumatic. I am sorry for your loss and I hope this helps add some clarity to what can be a very difficult time.

[Wildcat21]

"Its just that the one who initiates the breaking up has a bit of a head start on it." - you sayt that a lto and it's so true.

Every break is different - sometimes a break brings you closer...

[lost??]

Just do it and be honest about it. Don't lead him on or drag him along. You don't want to make this painful on him but leading him on will make it that much worse trust me. The truth is always the best way to go

[kp2171]

Reality works.

I've been fed the line "i just dont want to date someone right now, but if i did, id date you"... complete b.s.

Expect him and allow him to be upset. He's put some emotional time into you. Let him ask questions, give him honest answers as best you can.

On the other side, be true to yourself. Don't let him abuse you verbally or make you feel guilty. It is unfortunate when things don't work out, but its better ALWAYS to know reality and the truth than to live a lie or to be led on.

Be prepared to give him some time to be upset. You've been thinking about this and had time to process it. He might have no idea, and will need to go through several stages to understand and accept this.

[Kadehadaire]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm - do it in person!!!!

Tell him the truth.

IF he goes to pieces, that's not good - he has put WAY too much importance in to this. They may be a grea tlearning experience for him. Seriously.

Does he smother you?

If you don't want to be with him - end it. Tell him EXACTLY why - no fluff.

Yes, he has become quite possessive.

[Kadehadaire]

reality works.

ive been fed the line "i just dont want to date someone right now, but if i did, id date you"... complete b.s.

expect him and allow him to be upset. hes put some emotional time into you. let him ask questions, give him honest answers as best you can.

on the other side, be true to yourself. dont let him abuse you verbally or make you feel guilty. it is unfortunate when things dont work out, but its better ALWAYS to know reality and the truth than to live a lie or to be led on.

be prepared to give him some time to be upset. youve been thinking about this and had time to process it. he might have no idea, and will need to go through several stages to understand and accept this.

I think you're right. He has every right to be hurt and upset. Should I let him be that way alone? My presence after I tell him will be a burden I think.

[s_cianci]

Why do you "need" to break up with your boyfriend? Honesty is the best policy here ; tell him flat-out why. THere's no easy way to do it and no easy way to spare his feelings so you might as well be truthful about it. He might end up learning something that could lead him to some self-improvement, so look at it that way. The honest way is really the kindest way.

[talaniman]

Why do you "need" to break up with your boyfriend? Honesty is the best policy here ; tell him flat-out why. THere's no easy way to do it and no easy way to spare his feelings so you might as well be truthful about it. He might end up learning something that could lead him to some self-improvement, so look at it that way. The honest way is really the kindest way.

The more quick the better. Sorry no easy way out here so just do it .

[Wildcat21]

You must leave him alone then - do not give him any hope as the hurt will last longer.

[jc105]

Wildcat...

"IF he goes to pieces, that's not good - he has put WAY too much importance in to this. They may be a grea tlearning experience for him. Seriously."

I understand what you mean, but you always have this opinion about relationships that you shouldn't get attached. That's complete nonsense. How can you, after years, just lose the person you have the strongest connection to in your life and not be heart-broken. Retarded, put too much importance? Maybe wildcat, people fall in love, and they feel the other person feels the same. Which to my knowledge is what all working relationships are based on. So to go through your whole relationship assuming sh*ts going to fall to pieces, you'll never truelly love.

If you don't allow yourself to fall in love, you'll never experience the terrible feelings of loss. But conversely you'll never have felt the greatest feeling in life, love. So I guess you can trap yourself in a life of low highs and high lows, and never be hurt. Or you can allow yourself to be completely swept and feel the great joy that comes from a true strong relationship.

Sorry wildcat you've said that too many times for me not to put that out there. What the f***s the point of the relationship if you feel nothing when they leave?

[jc105]

Dump him, tell him the truth and don't give him hope, even if there would be a chance in the future.

Do it in person and don't let him down too easy. What your doing means a lot too him and you can't seem unsure because it will give him hope. Just do it ASAP if it is really what you want.

[jc105]

My thoughts on the possesiveness...

As you pull away, which I'm sure you have been, he feels more and more like he needs to hold onto you.

Don't let it go longer than it has too, I'd say you should have dropped him before posting this. Oh and don't comfort him, he'll survive, and no matter how how upset he gets he will be OK. Maybe not for a while and it won't be easy on him. But definitely don't be there for him after you dump him, mixed signals.

[Wildcat21]

"As you pull away, which i'm sure you have been, he feels more and more like he needs to hold onto you." - so true - excellent. Always happens.

JC - I don't think she's been with him for years - I don't think she is in love with him.

[jc105]

I must agree then, that if this has been a short term thing it shouldn't break him up that bad.

I did mean what I said about falling hard in love... Idealistic, but still.

[Wildcat21]

I think the deal is they dated... and seems he fell hard and she was still trying to figure out her feelings. I bet he creeped her out because he came on too strong... guys do that a lot when they don't know what they are doing.

[valinors_sorrow]

I think you should break up the same way you pull off a bandaid... 1,2,3 RIP (unless of course you are a sadist and like that one-hair-at-a-time approach). Done quick and over fast. Then have the decency to mean it, stick with it and leave them completely alone, puhhleeeeease! Anything else means manipulation is sneaking into the picture.

[jms1226]

And remember to be mean! Seriously. If you want him to go easily, let him hate you for a while. He'll heal more quickly.