[DSM521]

Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and don't get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wife's cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.

[Fr_Chuck]

Keep doing the counseling, no one needs to be out parting without the other

[DSM521]

keep doing the couseling, no one needs to be out parting without the other

Do you buy her story?

[wolfgangqpublic]

This doesn't sound like a one-night stand for certain, although it could be, but your sister seems to have confirmed some of her possible story.

What did happen is that she got wasted - and that's really not what a Mom of 4 children should have done. (Or Dad for that matter).

[lisa1122tx]

Well I wouldn't trust her either. Keep up the counseling but stay on your toes. However, smothering her can also drive her away but with her history, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

[plonak]

Yeah continuing the counseling is the only thing you can do right now.

You need to rebuild the trust, which is VERY hard.. but it needs to be done

This is a tough situation. And she shouldn't be acting like this with 4 kids.. She needs to get to the root of the problem as to why she felt she needed to flee like that..

[DSM521]

Yeah continuing the counseling is the only thing you can do right now.

You need to rebuild the trust, which is VERY hard.. but it needs to be done

This is a tough situation. And she shouldn't be acting like this with 4 kids.. She needs to get to the root of the problem as to why she felt she needed to flee like that..

Your telling me, rebuilding the trust is very hard. I know the wound is still fresh but its does not get any easier. The hardest part is feeling like I will never know the complete truth. I feel if I knew it than I could deal with it. Right now the not knowing is something I can't deal with right now. I just feel with all my heart that I don't know everything.

As for an up date, the night I posted this I confronted her again. I told her she could help me by explaining something's I did not understand. Long story short she tried to explain some others she couldn't. I to;d her I could not be in a marriage with someone I could not trust. She sobbed, begged me not to go and kept saying nothing happened. If she is lying she was willing to let me file for divorce rather than tell me the truth. Now that is keeping a secret. As I said we are in counseling, we had our next session the next day. We are working on rebuilding the trust now.

I still feel that I don't know the complete truth, and I am having a hard time with that.

[andrewc24301]

If you love her, then that love will prevail no matter what. I understand what you are going though. When my first wife came out and told me she fooled around, I was devistated, however still gave her another chance.

However the twist is she rejected this second chance, and wanted nothing more to do with me. 7 years later, I can say that her walking out on me was for the better.

You may never know the true answer, unless she just comes out and admits it.

What would I do? Splitsville here I come!

May sound mean and heartless, but heartbreak was the worst feeling I have ever endoured. I never want to go through that again, which is why I have a zero tolerance to infidelity.

[DSM521]

If you love her, then that love will prevail no matter what. I understand what you are going though. When my first wife came out and told me she fooled around, I was devistated, however still gave her another chance.

However the twist is she rejected this second chance, and wanted nothing more to do with me. 7 years later, I can say that her walking out on me was for the better.

You may never know the true answer, unless she just comes out and admits it.

What would I do? Splitsville here I come!

May sound mean and heartless, but heartbreak was the worst feeling I have ever endoured. I never want to go through that again, which is why I have a zero tolerance to infidelity.

I have thought about leaving, the biggest reason I am still hear is because of the kids. I do love my wife with all my heart and don't want to be apart from her.

But like you say I can't keep going through this heartbreak... NO WAY!!

[andrewc24301]

I have thought about leaving, the biggest reason I am still hear is because of the kids. I do love my wife with all my heart and don't want to be apart from her.

But like you say I can't keep going through this heartbreak................NO WAY!!!!!!!!

And that does complicate the situation. Perhaps you should wait and see how the counseling helps. But if this crap is still going on, than I would at least consult with a lawyer, if for nothing more than to get some questions answered.

Around here the man isn't getting the shaft like they used to, and split custody is getting more common so both parents have equal levels of custody. In some cases the man actually wins full custody.

If the kids are older (in their teens) then they will understand more.

However my folks split when I was four years old, and I don't hold any ill memories or feelings to either one. I love them both, to this day one is always criticizing the other, but being a child of the divorce generation (80's) a lot of us kids knew how to deal with this.

[DSM521]

And that does complicate the situation. Perhaps you should wait and see how the counseling helps. But if this crap is still going on, than I would at least consult with a lawyer, if for nothing more than to get some questions answered.

Around here the man isn't getting the shaft like they used to, and split custody is getting more common so both parents have equal levels of custody. In some cases the man actually wins full custody.

If the kids are older (in their teens) then they will understand more.

However my folks split when I was four years old, and I don't hold any ill memories or feelings to either one. I love them both, to this day one is always critisizing the other, but being a child of the divorce generation (80's) a lot of us kids knew how to deal with this.

YA, kids are not older. We have a 8, 5, 4, and 2. A lot of work for us both.

At this point I think the best chance I have at finding the truth is talking to the other guy. And I mean talking not beating the crap out of the little s@*t.

He is just so much younger than us I don't know if he will tell me the truth. I know what I was like at 22, I would have told a husband anything they wanted to hear if I was in his situation.

[andrewc24301]

Part of the solution is your wife is going to have to quit this partying lifestyle. Not to be controlling, and of course, you will have to abide by the same set of rules. Out of a mutual respect for one another. If she can't control her self when she drinks then the drinking needs to stop.

There is no harm with having a beer once in a while, but when it gets to a point where it impairs your judgement to a point of infidelity, then it's gone far enough.

With 4 kids, neither of the parents need to be going around getting wasted anyway. You two are not in high school anymore, the time for staying out all night drinking and partying is over. She is going to have to come to terms with that.

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

My stepfather ran around on my mother once, when he was under the influence of alcohol. They are still together, but the incident cut to the bone. It took their marriage several years to get through it.

And of course, the man had to quit drinking and start living right. Otherwise the marriage wouldn't work. I was 13 years old when I witnessed this.

As a child, my perspective was, I saw the way my mother hurt when this news came to pass. It was an awful time in everyone's life. And as a child, I would have rather seen my mother separated and happy rather than married and miserable.

Unfortunately your children are not old enough to understant the depths of what is going it. It will be a taxing time for your family. But if she values the marriage and the family, then she won't mind quitting this lifestyle.

If she don't then you might try to hold on while the kids get a little older, but I wouldn't have anymore while this is going on.

[DSM521]

Part of the solution is your wife is going to have to quit this partying lifestyle. Not to be controlling, and of course, you will have to abide by the same set of rules. Out of a mutual respect for one another. If she can't control her self when she drinks then the drinking needs to stop.

There is no harm with having a beer once in a while, but when it gets to a point where it impairs your judgement to a point of infidelity, then it's gone far enough.

With 4 kids, neither of the parents need to be going around getting wasted anyway. You two are not in high school anymore, the time for staying out all night drinking and partying is over. She is going to have to come to terms with that.

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

My stepfather ran around on my mother once, when he was under the influence of alcohol. They are still together, but the incident cut to the bone. It took their marraige several years to get through it.

And of course, the man had to quit drinking and start living right. Otherwise the marraige wouldn't work. I was 13 years old when I witnessed this.

As a child, my perspective was, I saw the way my mother hurt when this news came to pass. It was an awful time in everyones life. And as a child, I would have rather seen my mother seperated and happy rather than married and miserable.

Unfortunatly your children are not old enough to understant the depths of what is going it. It will be a taxing time for your family. But if she values the marraige and the family, then she won't mind quitting this lifestyle.

If she don't then you might try to hold on while the kids get a little older, but I wouldn't have anymore while this is going on.

Just to answer some of your questions, she is not a partying stay out all night person. This is the first time something like this has ever happened. Sure she has gone out to dinner and a have a "few" drinks with her friends before but she has always stayed in touch with me and always gotten home t a descent hour. We are a tight family. She always calls me when she gets off work, to let me know she is on her way home.

I don't go out and party as well. We really are homebodies. We love to have friends and family over and if we drink that is were we do it, at home. If we ever go to clubs its always with each other.

That's the thing. This is just so out of character for her. She told me this guy started flirting with her a few months ago. To me it looks like her started flirting, she was/is attracted to him, she was flattered, they planned it, and it happened.

That's just how it looks from my point of view. Could it all be innocent, could she just have gone out with group of people and ended up drinking too much. I guess but not likely. That's not just her.

She has offered to quit her job two times. To me that's not the issue. Its her judgment. Or lack there of. She could work at any job ans still make poor choices, with men, with drinking, with whatever the choice is.

[andrewc24301]

Just to answer some of your questions, she is not a partying stay out all night person. This is the first time something like this has ever happened. Sure she has gone out to dinner and a have a "few" drinks with her friends before but she has always stayed in touch with me and always gotten home t a descent hour. We are a tight family. She always calls me when she gets off work, to let me know she is on her way home.

I don't go out and party as well. We really are homebodies. We love to have friends and family over and if we drink that is were we do it, at home. If we ever go to clubs its always with each other.

Thats the thing. This is just so out of character for her. She told me this guy started flirting with her a few months ago. To me it looks like her started flirting, she was/is attracted to him, she was flattered, they planed it, and it happened.

Thats just how it looks from my point of view. Could it all be innocent, could she just have gone out with group of people and ended up drinking to much. I guess but not likely. Thats not just her.

She has offered to quit her job two times. To me thats not the issue. Its her judgment. Or lack there of. She could work at any job ans still make poor choices, with men, with drinking, with whatever the choice is.

Well, in that case I'd say give the counciling a shot.

I apologize for insinuating she was a party animal. That was my perception from my point of view.

Maybe she did get a little flirty but didn't go all the way. Personally I don't have a problem with harmless flirting, but all relationships are different. Perhaps she is telling the truth. Sometimes you can tell if a person is hiding something by the way they conduct theirself.

Unfortunately, only you will be able to make that call.

After this last post, I feel this is something you two can work through. Doesn't sound as bad as what I had origionally thought.

[andrewc24301]

Perhaps the man who approached the car was hitting on her, but it's also very possible that she rejected his advance. Men hit on women all the time. Some men specially target married women. Does't mean every woman is going to take him up on the offer.

[DSM521]

Well, in that case I'd say give the counciling a shot.

I apologize for insinuating she was a party animal. That was my perception from my point of view.

Maybe she did get a little flirty but didn't go all the way. Personally I don't have a problem with harmless flirting, but all relationships are different. Perhaps she is telling the truth. Sometimes you can tell if a person is hiding something by the way they conduct theirself.

Unfortunatly, only you will be able to make that call.

After this last post, I feel this is somthing you two can work through. Doesn't sound as bad as what I had origionally thought.

No worries, I know it probably sounded like she went out all the time. Its had to get a real good understanding for what is going on just by reading these posts.

As for the man that approached the car well that was me. She was in the car with the other guy. She said that they all went back to her friend Jessica's house. And this guy was the only one sober enough to give her a ride back to her car.

My problem with that is there were also text back and forth between them that night like I said in my original post. She said it was her friend sending the text not her. There are so many little things that I could go into from that night, little lies, things that don't add up but I don't want to waste everyone's time. At this point I guess I have to trust her and try to recover, or keep digging and try to find out the truth.

Hard choice to make at this moment, don't know how I will handle it going forward.

Any suggestions?

[andrewc24301]

Hummm...

Well this is tricky. And the fact is, the answer may never be reached. There is compelling evidence that something went on, yet nobody has actually witnessed anything, and the woman is denying it.

Based on the circumstances, you have to be the jury here.

First ask yourself, if she confessed that something did happen, would you stand by her and work it out?

If the answer is yes, or maybe, then you could bring this to her attention. If that's the case, then tell her that you just want to know the truth, even if it hurts, you'll stand by her.

If the answer is no, then it may be harder to obtain the truth, especially if she doesn't want to loose you, she will feel like if she tells you that something happened, that the marriage will be over.

Okay I just had to go back in review the whole thread again.

Based on the first post, if it weren't or the kids I'd say dump her. But 4 kids is a lot to drag through a divorce. You might give it some time and see how things go. Perhaps the truth will come out, perhaps this is just an isolated event and will never happen again. Maybe she'll be more careful about answering her phone from now on.

After 4 or 5 years if this crap is still happening, then by that time the kids are teenagers. Prepare yourself for childsupport and file for divorce.

I don't think anyone would criticize you for "jumping the gun" or jumping to conclusions if you waiting that long.

[andrewc24301]

Just out of curiosity, what did Jessica say about all this?

It sounds like she is the star witness. Of course, I wouldn't expect her to rat her friend out, but like I said earlier, sometimes you can read people and see when they are hiding something.

[shannonbug]

Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and dont get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wifes cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.

Wow! I am so sorry to hear that! My personaly opinion and please don't take any offence to it but I really do believe that she was up to know good I know this is ahrd to hear but I believe that she is hideing things and doing them behind your back I think you and her should make a plane for her to call you at certain times and maybe I know you won't like this and think it is a great idea I would have someone watch what she is doing maybe a clse friend of yours and have that person tell you what she is doing

[codyman144]

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

I would have been out the door the mintue I found this out but I don't have kids (yet).