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    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #1

    Jul 24, 2006, 01:03 AM
    Im new... hoping for some advice
    Well, I've been dating a man for a little over 3 months... and I know that is not a long time, but here is my story...

    We really liked each other in the beginning... and I still really like him. He seems to have some issues from the past that were effecting our realtionship(that is my version :) ) But then he started to tell me a lot about his life, as well as I. Anytime there was tension or an argument, we would end up telling a lot about ourselves that made more intimacy.

    The problem... we had some arguments in this 3 months, and in my opinion, they stemmed from his issues, as well as his busy busy schedule. We didn't see each other much, and as time went on, he put less effort into it. He does have kids, school, work, homework, etc.. So I was very patient and never complained. But the last time we argued we broke up...

    I think that our issues stem from lack of time together... I can deal with issues, I just can't handle not moving forward naturally. And so after we broke up, we talked a little bit... and he said he is just too busy for a relationship and has no time, not even for a hello.

    I guess my issue is that I don't want to give up on something that is good because of time... I can be patient, back off, but want to still remain in contact because he will have time in a few months... but how do I do that and still respect his thoughts and ideas on his view? I want to problem solve the lack of time issue, like just having one day for us and no other obligation, but I don't know how to do that without contacting him and asking him to change his mind, I would think that would push him away due to pressure But I don't want to let him go over something that is not about "us". I don't want to take a chance that he won't contact me later...
    Any advice?
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #2

    Jul 24, 2006, 04:45 AM
    There are a couple of compelling things you said that I think might be worth a closer look for you. I don't mean to sound harsh but these two things lead me to think you probably won't have another opportunity with him.

    The first was "he said he is just too busy for a relationship and has no time, not even for a hello." That sounds like his way of ending the relationship completely. Its polite and very final sounding, especially the no time for a hello part, can you see that?

    The second was "But I dont want to let him go over something that is not about "us". " I think it was about "us" - time is not some separate issue that in not a part of the "us". Someone being too busy can be a polite way of saying "I am not into this, sorry" and it needs to be respected.

    I don't have any advice that would make it possible to overcome those two things. As difficult as it is, I think its time to think in terms of its over between you two and let the healing process begin for you. Some relationships end because it was a genuine attempt by two sincere people who turn out to be not compatible, which is what it sounds like here with the two of you. There is no wrong in that except to continue it under false pretenses or out of guilt, which you did not. Please don't make yourself out to be flawed simply for not fitting with one man, okay? Sometimes we "try on" quite a few people before there is a good match.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Jul 24, 2006, 05:13 AM
    Maybe you can't understand his thinking and as you say he has past issues so give him pleny of space to deal with himself and as for you, I would not be thinking of ways to get back with him or work anything out but go ahead with your own life and if it was mean't to be he will call you! Now is not the time to try and push a brick wall it is unfair to both of you. NO contact.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #4

    Jul 24, 2006, 08:11 AM
    BIG red flag here - WHY all the arguing?? First three months are for love and fun and hanging out - NO Pressure!! First three months ar supposed to be easy as you SLOWLY get to know each other.

    The argung makes me suspect someone wanted a relationship a lot more the other person.

    WHY all the tough questions so soon. Where you PRESURING him??

    See - you shouldn't be arguing the first three months - shows me A LOT as to what could happen in the future.

    I thin kyou wanted this a lot more than he - did - you DIDN't give him his space he needed. Sounds like he needed a lot.

    IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don’t let on how excited you’ve become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

    It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

    Tal - I agree - he has a huge brick wall built. Leave him alone - he needs his space... I wouldn't contact him for 3 months.

    I might suggest moving on though... thi one would be really tough.

    I think you need a guy who is a lot more available - no baggage - no kids. Think for now - SINGLE - no kids.

    I've been in your position before... divorced lady, kids, owned a business, houses, busy with other things - I wanted to see her more than she wanteed to see me - it didn't work because I wasn't willing gto give the space I should have. Sometimes people want to be left alone - this guy was probably drained and did not have any ME time - time alone - I personally cherish ME time.
    jc105's Avatar
    jc105 Posts: 162, Reputation: 17
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    #5

    Jul 24, 2006, 01:10 PM
    Agreed cross the board.

    Buddy of mine 'Had no time' for a girl and said he 'didn't want to be held down'

    Met another girl within a month, been together for a few months now. Any excuse for a break-up is probably the least offensive way to say it. There are probably many other issues he has with you, but its not real nice to tell someone about themselves as you break there heart.

    Trust me, the lines of BS I've seen fed, and been giving have absolutely shown me that what someone says during a break-up most likely has nothing to do with there motivations. They just want you to get it without breaking you down too much.

    Sorry for all the mean words, but this is my experience, read my other terribly embarrassing posts for background on myself.
    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #6

    Jul 24, 2006, 05:00 PM
    Thank you everyone for your advice. I hope if I can clarify it doesn't come across as defensive cuase that is not why I am on here talking to you guys! :) First of all, we dated for 3 months, and most if it was great... but we knew each other for 6 months and when we first met, we were both going throigh some hard times, such as medical issues. So we have a bond that I can't explain. Val, I do see what you are saying... and Wildcat, I think that the arguing was more him telling me things that he is upset about and trying to reselve them, and we succeeded every time. He is in recovery and has a lot of anger. I was not needy at all, we maybe saw each other 2-4 times a month and I NEVER complained or when he said he was sorry and that he felt bad, I always said that I understood, cause goodness knows I think his kids shouild come first. One "talk" was even about his guilt with not having enough time to see me, and he felt so bad...
    So, I don't think this is a line... I do believe he really thinks that this is best for him and for me... since we have broken up, he has contacted me a few times saying he missed me, but when I tried to see him, I think this "i dont have time" comes in because he thinks that I can't handle not seeing him. But he is wrong and trying to control the situation. My co-dependency wants to fix it and tell him how I really feel... is that control on my part? Haha Is it okay that his thinking about what is best for me is wrong! Does this clarify or is it defensiveness? :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Jul 24, 2006, 05:32 PM
    Why can't you just take what he says at face value and move on and stop justifying your pursueing him?
    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #8

    Jul 24, 2006, 05:36 PM
    To answer the question, because I want him in my life... and we are so close emotionally... BUT!! OK, I will take your last post and see that is just being defensive. I am good at justifying, thanks for tell me. Sometimes it takes someone to point it out for me... and that is why I am here. My friends tell me that I am doing way too much in the relationship, so I will let it go... thank you! Please don't get upset, I am only here to get honest feedback, not only on the relationship, but myself as well. Thank you for doing that.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Jul 24, 2006, 05:47 PM
    The point is and what everyone is saying is that a healthy loving relationship depends on TWO people bringing an equal love to the table. As you've explained yours it you who pushes as he pulls away. This is not balanced and someone will get hurt,most times the one who pushes. This is not healthy and is it fun?
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #10

    Jul 24, 2006, 05:53 PM
    I am also in recovery and I wonder immediately how long he has been too. I can tell you flat out that there was no way I could have handled a relationship in early recovery, but it was a non issue for me as there simply wasn't anyone left in my life when I hit bottom. But had there been, I would have had to choose between it and recovery... and I would have chosen recovery.

    I am heartened to see that you know about codependency. Copedendent people and addicts are like magnets, but the trick is to each mind their own recovery. Are you doing anything to deal with your issues?

    I have to tell you I have not heard you say here enough to suggest to me that he isn't doing anything but taking care of himself. If he is talking to a sponsor, that sponsor will be urging him to take care of only himself. Soooo it seems entirely possible that you are engaging in what my sponsor would call a "product from that magically magnifiying mind", i.e. are you engaging in wishful thinking and hoping there is a way around it when maybe there isn't?
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #11

    Jul 24, 2006, 05:57 PM
    Your trying to get us to SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR - we're telling you what's going. Trutyh hurts sometimes - wake up. Leave this guy alone... call him three months just to say Hi! And see where he is - no tough questions though.

    He's made it clear how he feels. IF he wants to be with you after SOME SPACE - he obviously will call you - but I doubt it.

    Start dating.

    Bu contacting him and botherring him you WILL push him away - believe me - I know - been on both sides of the fence more than once.
    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #12

    Jul 24, 2006, 06:52 PM
    Val, he has been in recovery for 5 years, almost 6. He doesn't talk to his sponsor as much as he should, according to him, he is too busy! Haha go figure. But I do know that he has worked on his recovery, and yeah he is taking care of himself and being somewhat selfish at the same time... and working with people in recovery, I always encouraged selfish behaviors at times... but I think it has been awhile, and his busy schedule and his addiction broke up his marriage as well... and about my co-dependency, well, for one, I am a counselor, and for 2, yeah I worked on my issues... I would normally be at someone's door asking for forgiveness, even if I didn't do anything wrong! :) But I am much more healthy now, (although I know there is always something to work on) and I really valued what we had, and so did he, always telling me how wonderful I am... but with his kids ,work, school, homework, and recovery, he has little time. And I know he has a lot of guilt about his marriage... so he can't stand to feel guilt about our relationship and not spending time... and I do respect that... the only contact I have had with him is the contact that he has made or asked me to make... so I am respecting him... Thanks for the comments and the help. I have to say with a grin, yes sometimes I want someone to tell me what I want to hear, thanks for not doing that... haha... and I was reading in the other post about a guy who's girl wanted some independence and all the advice is to get her back,. hahaha I'm jealous! :) But I do hear you guys. Thank you so much. I am new on here, and I think this is great... you guys tell me how it is and I am thankful for that... I might not like it, but thank you.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #13

    Jul 24, 2006, 07:06 PM
    I hve friends all over the world and some of them I don't see but once every few years. I can tell you it takes a special kind of person to maintain a worthwhile and deep friendship over time or distance so those friends who can, I treasure. Maybe this is what you two eventually turn into, maybe not. But at any rate, it doesn't sound like he's a candidate for a involved relationship, and it sounds like you were pretty open to one so there may have been the source of the pressure -- you know us sensitive types pick up every dang little thing. I am glad to hear you aren't like totally devastated - what a breath of fresh air that is, eh gang? Welcome to AMHD and feel free to offer your experience, strength and hope here too (winks) LOL
    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #14

    Jul 24, 2006, 07:20 PM
    Yeah, as I go back and read some of your comments, I see that you all pthought that I was giving him pressure... and I don't see that I did in the relationship, I was so laid back! I was there when he wanted or needed me, I gave him time when he needed space for school, I was with his keids when he wanted me to be, that is more how it was... his court. We never argued about time or space. I never was upset that he was busy... and I did my own thing a lot... but I do believe that he may have sensed pressure from his guilt... is that possible? But that is interesting that you all saw pressure from me... hhmmmm... OK... I'll think about that... But NOW that he is backing off, I really want to push! :) hehe Thanks for the reassurance to do the right thing! And no I am not Devastated, I am sad and missing someone like a normal loss. ANd I loved his kids... I just know myself and need to hear someone tell me that my thinking is distorted sometimes! :) We all have those days, and I think it is my week. And I will definitely offer my thoughts to this site... I am really good at offering advice... may not seem like I am grounded, but I really am! :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Jul 25, 2006, 04:45 AM
    We all have done the same thing you have, so your in good company here. Glad to see you will be staying so can I invite you to the lounge in the members discussion area, just what you need after a hard day of posting or anything else that ails you.
    jc105's Avatar
    jc105 Posts: 162, Reputation: 17
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    #16

    Jul 25, 2006, 01:32 PM
    You can't change him. If he is living how he wants to and it doesn't involve you that's the facts.

    Just because you do things right doesn't make the relationship work. He needs to want it as much as you. Also if the ball was always in his court, what makes you think that your co-dependancy issues are gone. Why base your life around his needs? Wouldn't it show a healthy relationship if you DID give him crap every once and a while for not doing what YOU need?

    My ex told me one of the things she had disliked about me was that I was not particular at all, I would ride the wave where-ever it took me. I could adjust my life to any good or bad, no high highs or low lows. Sabes?

    You telling us that your issues are resolved does not make it so, nor does that mean that he is irrational about not wanting to be with you. I made all sorts of excuses for my ex leaving me, but when it came down to it I just wasn't what she wanted. She still to this day loves me, that's something that doesn't go away, but it doesn't make us right for each other.

    There is a lot to deal with in a relationship that is not on the surface and couldn't be resolved through discussion or counseling.

    Trust me its taken a while to write like this about my ex so passively but if you read my old posts you'll see I argued with posts and what-not, but over time I've been able to see other people's problems and objectively, look at them and compare to myself.
    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #17

    Jul 28, 2006, 10:09 PM
    I just want to say thank you to everyone on here and for letting m ebe honest... and now for some honesty... I had no contact for awhile... and then I slipped yesterday. I texted him. Sorry guys! Don't throw stones please! :) I have a lot of medical issues that are going on and I got some really bad news this week, and he is usually my comfort (not many people know about my medical issue either, personal issues). I didn't contact him right away, but I broke down a few days later after being upset and scared and wanted him to know... not sure why that was a comfort... and he texted me back a few times... but I didn't need talk about it... just wanted him to know the results of my test. I know I totally justified the slip... which should constitute stones thrown, but I have been reading other posts about the same thing... keeping distance, space, and no contact. I am back on track now! I had to vent and be honest... If he wants to talk about my medical stuff, he will call... otherwise, I have to stop relying on him... I know that... phew... OK, I feel better... thanks for listening... you can throw those stones now! :) But really, I do get what you are saying and as I put myself in other peoples posts, I totally see my crap from the outside... and I see now how it applies to me as well... I get a lot of strength from being on here... thanks again for listening and understanding... again, I am back on track!
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #18

    Jul 29, 2006, 05:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by YeloDasy
    I have to stop relying on him... i know that... phew... ok, i feel better.... thanks for listening
    I see that you already know how to solve this latest little bump in the road and here it is! Good for you, Dasy! Can you start confiding more in the friends you have, especially about your medical situation or anything else he was an exclusive source for emotionally? Friends are such an important thing and no more so than in the time after a break up.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #19

    Jul 29, 2006, 05:19 AM
    Throws a few stones to make it look good (hugs hugs) Stay on track
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #20

    Jul 30, 2006, 07:03 PM
    Obviously he doesn't have much time or energy for you so why do you even worry about this guy? He doesn't seem worth it since he's so darn busy with everything else. I'd back off for a while and cut him loose. If and when he starts to miss you he just might suddenly find that he has a little more time for you after all, if you get my drift. If not, then you need to find someone who's going to give you the time you deserve.

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