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Desolee · Jan 6, 2009, 08:33 PM

Hello All... I've found some good information in the existing posts, but am searching for some feedback on a somewhat different problem.
The long and short of it is... I have been in a relationship for a year and a half - I love him to death and I know without a doubt that he loves me. We've had ups and downs in the past but have learned through our mistakes and our relationship is solid - or so I thought.
The one thing I have always had touble understanding is his need to communicate with women outside the relationship (online, via email etc) - It's been a problem issue in the past, but I thought we had dealt with it (I said I was uncomfortable with it, he said he wouldn't do it, end of story). I had a nagging suspicion that the online conversations were still happening - my first mistake was not asking him directly about it. My second mistake was a biggie... I set up an online account and attempted to chat with him anonymously. He responded and we chatted a couple of times - it was all pretty innocent - he was upfront about having a girlfriend. I was going to leave well enough alone, but my curiousity got the best of me - being in his contact list allowed me to see whenever he was online - he only did it when I wasn't around - sometimes it would be late into the night. I was dying to know why this was such a draw for him but I couldn't ask without revealing my deception.
He found out my dirty little secret. I apologized profusely, asked for forgiveness, explained my actions as best I could, and made it clear that I wanted to do whatever it takes to make amends. He is not interested in speaking with me, let alone seeing me. He said his feelings for me have changed and he's not interested in working things out.
I am devastated, but there is a part of me wondering if there isn't a piece of the puzzle missing here. I know that my actions were inappropriate, but the fact that he's been hiding this activity all along has fallen entirely off his radar. In his eyes the responsibility for the demise of the relationship lies solely with me. I love this man and would like to be able to work things through - but I'm unsure of what to do next. Any words of wisdom would be welcomed...

debdoes · Jan 6, 2009, 08:51 PM

Wow, sounds like words my ex said to me. "You and I will never happen again. I have no feelings left for you, you killed those." It's been 2 months since we broke up and 3 weeks since I talked (through text) to him. So there probably isn't any "piece of the puzzle" missing. He probably was put off with you not trusting him (which my ex was too) and had enough of it, and doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

N0help4u · Jan 6, 2009, 08:54 PM

The only thing I can tell you is learn from your mistakes and move on
Once you set up the account and found out he was innocently talking you should have realized you had crossed a line and left well enough alone.
Yes, he does not see where he may be wrong but with people that do not see where they are wrong never do get it no matter what you say or do.
You crossed a line that is beyond repair. What really did he do wrong?
Most likely he didn't want you to know because he knew you would not trust him simply talking.
Other than that if he was only innocently talking you can't really accuse him of much of anything.

Desolee · Jan 6, 2009, 09:46 PM

You both make valid points. The thing is, this experience (ironically of course) has only reinforced my trust in him. I've tried to explain this to him and I'm wondering if maybe with time I'll be able to heal the wounds I created (this all happened very recently). I know that relationships have recovered from worse - I don't believe that people's feelings for one another can simply switch off like a light switch - we had such a strong level of connection up to this. I don't know what the first steps in trying to start to repair things would be (if it's even possible).

debdoes · Jan 6, 2009, 10:12 PM

Is he at least listening to you? I hope so, for your sake. My ex wouldn't (still won't) even listen to what I have to say. I don't know how his feelings "shut off like a lightswitch" as well, but they did. That's what he told me anyway, who knows if it's really true... And I know what you mean by it reinforcing trust in him. It did for me as well, but it's too late. One thing you can do though, is leave him alone for a while. I didn't and I eventually snapped, said a bunch of really mean s**t which lead to me blowing any chance of getting back with him. Whatever you do... don't get angry with him and lose it like I did. It'll make things so much worse.

Desolee · Jan 6, 2009, 10:22 PM

He is, but the communication is limited. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting through to him, but others it's like hitting a brick wall. I hurt him, so I would expect it would take some time before he'd be open to really talking. I've suggested possibly attending a counseling session together but he hasn't been open to that so far (it's still very fresh). I'm hoping with all my heart that the good aspects to our relationship will still hold some weight and in time he'll at least consider the possibility of tryig to work things out. I just don't know at this point how far to push the issue, or how often.

debdoes · Jan 6, 2009, 10:31 PM

Yes, it probably will take time I would think. Especially if you really want to make it work. I'm still figuring out all the things I should have done better. I'm sure you told him how you feel and what your intentions are with him. There really isn't much else you can do or say at this point for him to come back. He has to on his own. Trust me, don't push too much, it won't work. I too started getting somewhere with my ex and then I hit the brick wall with him and that's been it ever since. It sucks... alot

starbuck8 · Jan 6, 2009, 10:34 PM

I have a totally different take on this entirely! The two of you were in an exclusive relationship... not? He should not have been communicating with other women online, or otherwise, and keeping it from you. If he can't do something while you're there, he shouldn't be doing it! I smell a rat here, and he is blaming you for something he did, to shift the blame, and fly under the radar! When there is nothing to hide, you hide nothing!

Edit:: Also, he lied to you! He said he wasn't talking to anyone online anymore.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2009, 10:40 PM

You did a bad thing, and handled your feelings badly, now you have to pay the consequences. What's lost in all of this is he broke his word, innocent or not. You have apologized, but has he??

If not, there will always be him flipping things that go wrong on you, and him laying the guilt on you Whether you deserve ALL of it or not ). That's as unfair as the game you played, and something to think about.

Something to talk about. Imagine had he kept his word, or reassured you of his innocence, you wouldn't have done what you did. So, who is the wrongest here? That cause, and effect.

Talk and listen, and just be straight about all the facts.

Desolee · Jan 6, 2009, 10:41 PM

It's terrible - worst feeling in the world. The hardest part is that things really were going so well - I made the mistake that I made, but it gave me an insight I didn't have before. I love him with all my heart and I believe that we would have a wonderful life together had I not made such a huge mistake. I'm hopeful that there is some hope - no matter how faint it may be that we can find a way to work things out.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2009, 10:43 PM

Ain't that much love in the world to make you turn a blind eye to his part in all this!!

BlackVY · Jan 6, 2009, 10:46 PM

Go girl... I'm on your side... what you did was wrong... but you admitted it and are willing to do whatever it takes to make things right... I'm keeping my fingers crossed, hoping he gives you a chance because you seem to really love him

starbuck8 · Jan 6, 2009, 10:46 PM

Originally Posted by Desolee

It's terrible - worst feeling in the world. The hardest part is that things really were going so well - I made the mistake that I made, but it gave me an insight I didn't have before. I love him with all my heart and I believe that we would have a wonderful life together had I not made such a huge mistake. I'm hopeful that there is some hope - no matter how faint it may be that we can find a way to work things out.

Okay! You are putty in his hands then. Things weren't going so well! Think about that for a minute! You are letting him put all of the blame on you, and you are not even sharing that blame with him! Don't you see anything wrong with this picture? I know it's hard, but are you seriously going to sit back and take all of the blame because he caught you? Are you kidding me?

Desolee · Jan 6, 2009, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You did a bad thing, and handled your feelings badly, now you have to pay the consequences. Whats lost in all of this is he broke his word, innocent or not. You have apologized, but has he???

If not, there will always be him flipping things that go wrong on you, and him laying the guilt on you Whether you deserve ALL of it or not ). Thats as unfair as the game you played, and something to think about.

Something to talk about. Imagine had he kept his word, or reassured you of his innocence, you wouldn't have done what you did. So, who is the wrongest here? That cause, and effect.

Talk and listen, and just be straight about all the facts.

An excellent point, and no - he has not. I suspect that he realizes that he has done his own share of wrongdoing here, however he's yet to admit that to me. Putting myself in his place, I imagine that he's embarrassed and would prefer not to shift the focus off the current target - which would be me.
I'd like to call him on that point, but I'm positive that at this point in time it would only add fuel to the fire. I was trying to focus on what I had done without making him feel I was pointing fingers at him as that typically gets a defensive response. Interesting food for thought though...

thadevilsadvocate · Jan 6, 2009, 10:58 PM

What was going so well in the relationship and what wonderful life are you talking about?? HE LIED TO YOU! You told him that you weren't comfortable with him doing that, and he agreed to stop... and THEN HE KEPT DOING IT!

Okay, you made the mistake of setting up the account and chatting with him... but you seem to be missing the facts here.

1) You let him know that you were uncomfortable about something and he agreed to stop doing it.

2) The reason that you set up the account to begin with, was because you didn't trust that he was staying true to his word.

3)So, you set up the account in hopes of finding out if he was still talking to other females... you wanted information.

4) He chatted with you and was getting online when you weren't around... so you basically got the information you were looking for.

5)The information shows you that he had lied to you and was deceiving you... so your instinct was right.

6.) He didn't bother to come and apologize to you and doesn't want to have to accept what he did was wrong, and instead wants to put the blame on you. He may never take the time to see what he did and just deny, but that is all the more reason for you to not want to be with this kind of person.

So, he gave you his word, went against his word. That is the bottome line. Imagine that he never caught you... what were you going to do, stay in the relationship with a liar? So, realize that the relationship was not healthy with him being a liar, and that you are developing a false image of your relationship because you are feeling guilty of how you found out.

Desolee · Jan 6, 2009, 10:59 PM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

Okay! You are putty in his hands then. Things weren't going so well! Think about that for a minute! You are letting him put all of the blame on you, and you are not even sharing that blame with him! Don't you see anything wrong with this picture? I know it's hard, but are you seriously going to sit back and take all of the blame because he caught you? Are you kidding me??

Well put - I agree that he has contributed to the mess that we're in right now - I'm just not sure how to effectively communicate with him about it at this stage. He's barely responsive now while I'm taking the full brunt of the blame. The bottom line is I feel guilty for what I did and I think the fear of losing the relationship has led to me being a little over zealous in the "it's all my fault" area. But how to fix that now is my next dilemma.

starbuck8 · Jan 6, 2009, 11:07 PM

Originally Posted by Desolee

An excellent point, and no - he has not. I suspect that he realizes that he has done his own share of wrongdoing here, however he's yet to admit that to me. Putting myself in his place, I imagine that he's embarassed and would prefer not to shift the focus off the current target - which would be me.
I'd like to call him on that point, but I'm positive that at this point in time it would only add fuel to the fire. I was trying to focus on what I had done without making him feel I was pointing fingers at him as that typically gets a defensive response. Interesting food for thought though...

What you need to think about, is why you get a defensive response. Normally if there is nothing to defend, there is no need. Of course it will add fuel to the fire, but the coals were already burning, so to speak. It's usually the guiltiest person who runs in the other direction, and refuses to talk. You didn't do the right thing by "spying" on him of course. But he took the bait, however innocent you say it was. You two are passing each other in the hall when it comes to communication here. He was going behind your back, and you were going behind his. If the both of you can admit that to each other, there may be a chance. Trust has been broken between the two of you, and he doesn't seem to be willing to pick up his end of the deal.

Desolee · Jan 6, 2009, 11:08 PM

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Go girl... I'm on your side... what you did was wrong... but you admitted it and are willing to do whatever it takes to make things right... I'm keeping my fingers crossed, hoping he gives you a chance because you seem to really love him

Thanks for the kind words... I'll be keeping my figers crossed too..

thadevilsadvocate · Jan 6, 2009, 11:15 PM

What was going so well in the relationship and what wonderful life are you talking about?? HE LIED TO YOU! You told him that you weren't comfortable with him doing that, and he agreed to stop... and THEN HE KEPT DOING IT!

Okay, you made the mistake of setting up the account and chatting with him... but you seem to be missing the facts here.

1) You let him know that you were uncomfortable about something and he agreed to stop doing it.

2) The reason that you set up the account to begin with, was because you didn't trust that he was staying true to his word.

3)So, you set up the account in hopes of finding out if he was still talking to other females... you wanted information.

4) He chatted with you and was getting online when you weren't around... so you basically got the information you were looking for.

5)The information shows you that he had lied to you and was deceiving you... so your instinct was right.

6.) He didn't bother to come and apologize to you and doesn't want to have to accept what he did was wrong, and instead wants to put the blame on you. He may never take the time to see what he did and just deny, but that is all the more reason for you to not want to be with this kind of person.

So, he gave you his word, went against his word. That is the bottome line. Imagine that he never caught you... what were you going to do, stay in the relationship with a liar? So, realize that the relationship was not healthy with him being a liar, and that you are developing a false image of your relationship because you are feeling guilty of how you found out.

starbuck8 · Jan 6, 2009, 11:16 PM

Originally Posted by Desolee

Well put - I agree that he has contributed to the mess that we're in right now - I'm just not sure how to effectively communicate with him about it at this stage. He's barely responsive now while I'm taking the full brunt of the blame. The bottom line is I feel guilty for what I did and I think the fear of losing the relationship has led to me being a little over zealous in the "it's all my fault" area. But how to fix that now is my next dilemma.

Well, that is always hard. But I think you need to set up some boundaries here, so he knows that he has broken trust here too. I would tell him you need time for yourself to think about this. This is too volatile right now to deal with anyway. I would calmly tell him to think about his part in this, and when you have both had a little time you can sit and talk about your future. I know it's tough. Trust me when I say that, because I really do. But if he is going to stand his ground and continue to blame you, he isn't worth getting back. Hard to hear... I know!