[bug2th]

Hi, I am new to the forum & desperately need some advice! I appologise for the long post

I've been married for 3 1/2 years, my problem started last year when I found out my hubby had gambled half our savings, I forgave him for that and decided to start afresh.. After just five months he made arrangements with his father & bought a bar in Italy (his country), before we got married we had an agreement that we would not live in Italy. To make a long story short we are now living in Italy, and I am desperately unhappy. We live right under his parents noses and they think I am not good enough for they son. They have said really hurtful things about me even before they met me and that just put me off them. I think even if they smile at me its just for show...

I have spoken to him about how I feel but he just brushes me off, he has told me that if I want to leave I should leave but he is not leaving as he has believes in what he is doing. He says he still loves me but he cannot leave, and by the way the bar is been open about seven month and is 250,000 euros in dept already and its making about 400 euros (bear in mind this is peak season). I honestly don't see a future with this business. I am going crazy as this does not seem like the man I married, I just don't know what to do... To make matters worse the so called "bar" doesn't even make enough money to pay the two bar staff & he works seven days a week (17hour shifts)

I feel I was (1). Forced into this situation and I had to give up my career, friends, family & independence. We never have money to do anything and he seems to think the world will end without this bar and that things will get better.

I am also frustrated with his family as they can't mind their business! I don't speak the language and I am just fed up with all of it.. We lived in London before, and since being here I've used up the little money I had saved up so it will not be easy for me to walk away without even money to pay for my ticket..

This is my second marriage, and therefore its another reason why I am here as I don't want to feel like I've failed this one as well.. my last marriage ended through no fault of my own (ex got someone pregnant). I know what I have to do deep down in side is leave, I am just so scared of starting over as I don't have any money and he definitely won't give me any, I also cannot work here as I don't speak the language..

What do you think, please be gentle

[valinors_sorrow]

You are in quite a predicament. First of all, ask him for the money. You have nothing to lose and he just may give it to you, seeing how poorly he manages his finances. Have plan B lined up though since he may be angered by this too. Do you have family of your own or friends back home you could contact? It seems you are very much in need of some shelter until you can get yourself sorted out. It may take asking one of them to help pull you out of the hole you've gotten in. Once you are on your feet, try to pay back whoever helped you -- its good for you and kind to them too. And maybe stay off the marriage market until you get a better understanding of how these things happen? Just some thoughts from someone who knows what its like to get stuck in a bad way too.

[aqua@home]

Welcome to the forum.

You are in quite the situation. I agree that it was unfair for your husband to go back on something that the two of you had agreed on before you got married. I can understand why you would be frustrated and angry. It doesn't sound like he is going to budge at all when it comes to this bar. I realize that you have shared your feelings and he doesn't care. Is he willing to go to marriage counselling? If he won't go to counselling and you are that miserable then divorce maybe the only answer. I don't think it is healthy to live to close to your parents either.

If you choose the route of divorce, don't feel like you have failed at all. If you were willing to work on things and he isn't then there is nothing you can do about it. You should do something before children enter the picture because that would only complicate things more.

I wish you the best in figuring this out. I am sure you will get a lot of great advice.

[Cassie]

First of all, would you leave if you had the money? Secondly if this were not your second marriage and you did not feel like a failure, would you leave? If the answer to both of these are yes. Find a way to hit the road.

Do you love him and want this to work out? How did he gamble the money away?

You went to Italy with him knowing the situation when you could have stayed in London. When you start a business in the US you go into it knowing the first 2-3 years is going to be hard work without much profit in your pocket. After that it should take off. It does sound as though your husband is a hard worker and wants it to succeed. If you want it to work out try helping him out. You can not speak the language but take a class and learn. You could work with him making drinks, serving them helping him wash glasses. With him there he could help with the language barrier. A woman smiling and serving a drink can make up for not knowing what is being said, and maybe it's better not to know.:) If his father put money into this business, it would not be good for your husband to walk away. There must have been some sort of agreement between the two of you before you left London or you would have stayed there.
As for his family putting you down, they can only do that if you allow it. Chin up, stop dwelling on it and make this a good experience if you want to stay. Your husband is working 7 days a week trying to make it.
Do not think I am taking his side or being harsh. I am not. My X husband was in business with his family and that was extremely difficult. We had children or I would have hit the road. I sat around for a year and cried and silently stomped my feet until everyone I am sure was sick of me. One day I thought this is not working, you need to do something. I started helping him out, when his dad made a smart remark, I would smile, pat his face and say "Is this why I love you so much". I decided they were not going to control my behavior, I changed my actions and reactions. I made new friends and did things to make me happy and that made him happy. I helped him a lot and it just got better. If you can find positive reasons to stay with him do positive things to make it work. It sounds as though you have told him how you feel. Or have you been telling him how they all make you feel. When you tell him they make you feel a certain way, he is going to immediately get on the defensive. Tell him it may not be true that they don't like you but you are feeling that way. Different cultures, people act differently. Even in the US, the east coast and west coast people see thing differently.

Do not think doing positive things to make it work means giving away your power and doing what he wants. No you are deciding to work as a team. I became so much stronger in myself by changing my actions. Life is not always perfect but I have learned it is what we choose to make it. We do make our own happiness.
By the way his dad and I became very good friends.

[Fr_Chuck]

Are you working every day at the bar with him, spending time, trying to help keep it going ?

Have you seen a priest or counselor to discuss marriage issues.

Have you even discussed the way you feel with him?

[bug2th]

Thank you everyone for replying to my post!

Cassie- If I had the money yes I would have left, and if this were my first marriage I honestly don't know.. About the gambling, it was online (soccer, tennis etc). Before we left London I was once again not told that every cent being invested in the bar was coming from the bank & about 5 other family members, and yes the understanding we had was that it would only be for three years and then I find out recently that he has extended the contract to five years!

The most difficult thing I am finding with his family apart from other things is the "cultural" difference, Sicilians are very old fashioned people, men believe a woman's place is at home, which is something I am strongly opposed to... Basically there is his father, brother, mother, grandfather, grandmother in the bar every single day from opening time to late at night. I was orphaned at a very young age and have been independent from age seventeen, I do believe in family but I also think being too close and dependent on family especially when you are married is not such a good thing. I would prefer to live a little father away from his family as they all seem to live next to each other.. I can't even water my plants without one of them interfering..

The thing is I am really angry with my husband and yes I still do love him & I want things to work, then at the same time I just don't want to be here. And maybe I am letting my anger cloud my judgement towards his family? Since being here none of his family have ever come round to visit us, I have been around his moms a few times but she seemed so uncomfortable I stopped trying..

Fr chuck - Yes, I have spoken to him about the way I feel, my husband is a very stubborn person & he trully believes this business is going to work, just like he thought gambling would make him rich! Bear in mind the bar is along the coast and bar business can be profittable but not on the stretch of coast where we are, a lot of businesses are closing down or selling up? And another reason I suspect he is so intent on this bar, there is sort of like a mini bookies (gambling) & with the amount of time hese spending there it wouldn't surprise me if hese gambling again...

I don't spend much time at the bar because of all the family that is there, I just cannot bring myself to be interested in something that I detest...

Thanks for reading...

[JoeCanada76]

The question you need to ask and this might sound harsh. Do you really want to be married with me or your business? In my thinking both the husband and wife need to put each other first. Obvously this is not happening right now. Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you. It sounds kind of strange if he is willing to let you go over the business. It does not sound like he loves you as much as he says he would or he would be considerate of your feelings and not brushing you off. At the same time you did make the decision to go with him to italy. It may be tough, but If you do want it to work best way is counselling.

See if he is opened to that.

Joe

[J_9]

I agree with you Joe, but one thing we have to look at is the gambling, it seems as though he is addiction. Gambling is an addiction, an illness, so he may very well love her but this addiction is getting in the way.

I have been watching this thread and I believe that they need to get into counseling and he needs some intensive counseling for his addiction. *shrugs*

Just my 2 cents.

[talaniman]

Sounds like you are in a very strange place and are alone and could use a friend. One who speaks English and gives you an outlet for some very pent up frustrations, and a comfort zone so you can at least relax and let it go. We all need that and its up to you to look around and make yourself at home in a strange place. Learn the language, at least you will be able to communicate, and find out what everyone is talking about. Hope this helps good luck!

[JoeCanada76]

I know exactly how she feels, not that I am in a different country. My wife's family is spanish. They speak spanish most of the time and the times they are I am wondering what they are saying. I would love to actually learn the language to surprise the hell out of them one day. To be able to communicate with them or even not let them know and just listen to what they say. They may be talking about me without me knowing and I will be able to know. Oh, what power we could have if we know the families language.

Joe

[bug2th]

We have discussed the possibility of him going for counseling (gambling) and he would not hear of it, he thinks he can fix it on his own. I find that hard to believe as our savings he lost were over £25k. Regarding marriage counseling, I will talk to him about it and see what he says, I am interesting to see how easy it will be to find an english speaking counselor... lol

Regarding the language, yes it would make my life easier if I could speak the language, and I have been having classes from a teacher when she has spare time which is not very often.. I cannot go to a proper school as I cannot afford it and my DH doesn't have the money!! Going into a school was what the plan was and its something I would have loved to do as it would have been a lot easier for me to make friends and eventually learn to do my own thing...

Thank you all for your support & advice..

[J_9]

Bug, he will not go to counseling (gambling) because he thinks he can fix this on his own, this is part of the addiction. Addicts do not believe they are addicted and the ones who do think that they can cure it with no help from anyone. There is really nothing you can do about that, they have to accept the help when they are ready.

However, if you do get into marital counseling it may help and he may eventually see this as a problem.

As for the language barrier, is there anyone you know there that does speak both that you are friendly with? Maybe someone you just see from time to time in the store? I assume you don't stay cooped up in the house all day with no one to speak to. So... just my thoughts... strike up a conversation and you may have a new friend as well as a tutor.