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learnintolikeme · Jan 5, 2009, 06:35 AM

It is now 1 mont since my husband told me that that the contact with his affair was over.
I believed this and the festive season has been nice. Now after 3 weeks of pretty good contact I feel he is becoming distant. I can't explain why but he does not want to make love. Said that we have been having too much contact but still wants to cuddle up. Do you think that this is my own insecurities making too much of the situation. All the old hurt is returning and I don't want to risk ruining what has been built up. I need advice.

450donn · Jan 5, 2009, 08:45 AM

He is probably worried about your reactions to his affair and is trying to do what he feels is right to make amends. I would suggest marriage counseling for both of you to help you both deal with the affair.

learnintolikeme · Jan 5, 2009, 09:03 AM

Thank you for this kind comment. After many years together I know that his biggest fear is having to discuss everything. Talking is not his strongpoint and is something I have actually learned to respect... and I really believe that he will try to get his feelings in order. I think that I am really just frightened and a bit jealous that the other woman may have had and still has a big part of his affection. You know it's a little bit of that feeling where you want to feel special and know that this is almost impossible to regain.
I am prepared to do what it takes to regain his love and affection but on the otherhand I am also prepared for many of these horrible feelings to creep in. These feelings are real but really soul destroying I hate them.
I have tried counseling but believe it or not I get more help from this site. Empathy goes far.
Thank you once again for taking the time to comment it does help.

xoxaprilwine · Jan 5, 2009, 09:28 AM

Hmm, well I too could label myself as a jealous woman at one point and still have the streak to some jurisdiction. It is not easy for you either, facing your personal conflict then having to deal with the insecurities in your marriage. You BOTH will need marriage counseling to get through this. You seem as though you're a strong woman but with that strong woman... you have deep roots... ensure you are handling the situation accurately. I understand that you do not want to read too much into this and your giving your husband the benefit of the doubt (good for you by the way; I wouldn't) but you will continue to wonder if in fact he affair is over or if you can trust him and believe him when he says it is. I think you need to work on your self-esteem and conflict issues but that your marriage also needs work (all our marriages need work :)). Aside from that maybe it is better to start with intimacy at its best... cuddling, kissing, caressing and genuine care. Trust takes time to regain and rebuild.

learnintolikeme · Jan 5, 2009, 09:53 AM

Hi Xo... Great honest reply and also helpful. It is pretty amazing this jealous feeling. I didn't know I had that. What a relief when you can actually put words onto it. I guess I feel this as I really do love him. But I know this feeling can kill any other good feelings if I let it take over me. Well I will be put to the test soon. I travel with my work and will be on a buiness trip soon... the first in over a year as I have just changed job. It will be strange to see how I feel when I am in that hotel room alone. If I can't sleep I will definitely seek some more help. I am so scared of what my own insecurities can do to me. I am dreading this.

xoxaprilwine · Jan 5, 2009, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by learnintolikeme

Hi Xo.... Great honest reply and also helpful. It is pretty amazing this jealous feeling. I didn't know i had that. What a relief when you can actually put words onto it. I guess i feel this as i really do love him. But i know this feeling can kill any other good feelings if i let it take over me. Well i will be put to the test soon. I travel with my work and will be on a buiness trip soon..............the first in over a year as i have just changed job. It will be strange to see how i feel when i am in that hotel room alone. If i can't sleep i will definately seek some more help. I am so scared of what my own insecurities can do to me. I am dreading this.

Not only will it take over but it will preside over other emotions as you mentioned. It takes a lot to admit that you are a jealous person. Know you need to work on that but I don't think you are to blame for his affair either. It seems as though you have accepted it and moved on, have you? Or is this going to remain an issue in your marriage? Do you trust him? How long have you been married? How long has this affair been going on? What where the circumstances for his affair? You said you may be concerned when on your business trip... as he doesn't want sex... if this continues I would question him.

JBeaucaire · Jan 5, 2009, 10:45 AM

Forgiveness for an affair is something you do for yourself, not him. You forgive him so you can go back to be an effective mate.

But acting like the affair didn't happen and making no changes would be simply stupid. A man does not talk about feelings as a matter of habit, but he's ALREADY proven he hasn't the control over himself required for trust and faithfulness.

So, you two will HAVE to discuss the realities of your relationship that allowed an affair to become acceptable in his mind. It will happen again, guaranteed, if you don't figure this stuff out.

Also, he is the one who broke trust. He needs to be WILLINGLY submit to your needs for assurance, for as long as necessary. That means you get the cell-phone bills, you pay the bills so can watch the money, YOU control the social calendar and how he spends free time (be generous without being stupid).

He will do this because he WANTS your trust back and he's on board with what that means.

Too often, forgiveness means "OK, you forgave me, now leave me alone to do what I want." Again, that's just dumb. Don't be dumb. Help your man reestablish trust with you by making sure he's onboard with all that is required to accomplish that.

Otherwise, forgive him (to end the hate/hurt), and show him the door. Anything in between is YOU being punished forever for his sins, and I'm not sure recommending that would be appropriate.

Do you?

learnintolikeme · Jan 6, 2009, 02:43 AM

Hi JB

Thank you for your time.
He doesn't go out so much on his own except occasionally with work things. I am never invited on any of these dinners. Admittedly this has upset me in the past as I always invite him along to any of our social evenings. This again has led to him holding back and not telling me about him going until the day before. (A bit childish I know but we never go out otherwise. I cannot remember the last time he took me to the cinema etc. I miss being invited out )
Another thing that upsets me about this is that I know he has known about the event for a while but deliberately held back on telling me. I honestly and truly do not think that he is unfaithful on these nights out what upsets me is that he holds back on telling me. I feel that I am always being accused in advance like some control freak. It is like he is waiting for an argument to happen. He cannot understand that his actions are actually causing an argument too...
I wish I knew why I love him so much. Writing this down and reading it over is like reading about another person. It's awful I just so much want to feel loved again. I am beginning to wonder if I ever have been!

learnintolikeme · Jan 6, 2009, 03:00 AM

Not only will it take over but it will preside over other emotions as you mentioned. It takes a lot to admit that you are a jealous person. Know you need to work on that but I don't think you are to blame for his affair either. It seems as though you have accepted it and moved on, have you? Or is this going to remain an issue in your marriage? Do you trust him? How long have you been married? How long has this affair been going on? What where the circumstances for his affair? You said you may be concerned when on your business trip... as he doesn't want sex... if this continues I would question him.

Hi XO
I am not normally jealous but on this point I am overpowered by this when I think of him sharing his emotions with her daily. It makes me feel sick that he might be telling her how awful I am although we have been happily married , or at least I thought we were before this happened. We have a fantastic child together, who also found out about this and was devastated. Told him that she was disappointed in him as she never thought that he could ever do this to both of us.
He is normally very quiet and is a good person. We have bee married for over 20 years. Apparently the affair started 4 months ago. It is not sexual but the emotional needs are definitely being met as the contact is several times daily. They live far apart ( 3 hour flight ) and were lovers as teenagers for many years. I don't normally snoop but after this started I have found things that he has kept for years which belong to her. She dumped him way back then.

xoxaprilwine · Jan 6, 2009, 08:27 AM

I am sorry to hear that your child is aware of what is going on. This is most devastating and an affair like that doesn't just hurt the married people but the entire family.

It is not uncommon for lovers to discuss their other partners faults as they are looking for comfort and reassurance (avoiding guilt - having reason for the affair). Emotional affairs I believe are worse then actual one night stands or physical affairs. It seems as though you are sure they never became sexually involved and I guess that's one way of looking at it because if both emotional and physical attachments are made it would worsen the situation. Maybe he never did get completely over the break up, but since he has been with you for 20 years he should know better then to get back involved (even as friends) with an ex lover. The thing is anyone is capable of an affair, nice, sweet, fun loving, self-less individual and great father/mother. I feel you feel that there is some sort of relief when you found out she was 3 hours away... mind you I don't think much of her either (how can you get involved in any way, shape or form with a married man - knowing that there is another woman)... she probably has her own life too and could care less (they don't think of the other people getting hurt, only their feelings and spur of the moment details). Still this is all hurtful in any event with the sex act committed or just implied... potentially if the woman was here would he physically get involved? How did you find out? Phone records?

So he said that he stopped calling her and that it was over. You have chosen to move forward now which is great but have you? Now you did forgive him but have not dealt with extra emotions that came from it... the only thing you can do is have him on board to regain your trust as JB mentioned and take steps to get there to salvage the marriage. You personally have a lot to filter... what are you going to do?

learnintolikeme · Jan 6, 2009, 10:00 AM

Hi Xo
You have good experience with this and I do appreciate your help. The others too ( Now I sound a little like Bridget Jones with her thank you speech! )
I found out quite easily, suddenly the bathroom visits increased and the telephone was never in it's normal resting place ! Warning signal one. The next thing was the bill where his text costs were x amount higher than any previous ones. I didn't say anything at this time. I followed up on the invoice and there was only 1 number to be found page after page. My world fell apart then. The second crunch came when I found out who the number belonged to. My whole life crumbled. It was like someone taking well planted roots from an old tree and janking them up. My problem was that I was too comfortable in my role as wife. I really liked what we had he made me feel safe. It is this security break that makes things so hard. If I had to make a new home now I would never be able to support my kids through university and give the good solid base deserved in this time of life.
I see already how this affects grown up kids, they also become more insecure hanging around making sure all is well desparately needing the knowledge that everything will be " back to normal" soon. It is heartbreaking.
The idea on his thought was that they would leave home soon anyway and this would not affect them if we should split up... what the heck was he thinking ( at one point when things were getting strained he provoked arguments by ignoring me , when I asked if something was wrong he got annoyed and asked for a temporary space where he could sleep in another room and live as friends. This was also before I knew what was going on ) I never accepted this it was all or nothing. He decided to stay but of course the contact with the OP continued. The phone thing happened just before xmas.

xoxaprilwine · Jan 6, 2009, 03:35 PM

No, I don't have personal experience and I am really sorry for your hurt feelings/circumstances and can only give empathy and support to how you can get through this the most logical way... I just put myself in your shoes and apply it to me and how I would feel... that's what comes out. I am sure you know all this stuff too... it just gets bleak when you are in the situation you never thought you would be. It's easier looking outside in then being a participant. You made him sound like a nice guy learntolikeme... I understand you want to have the security and stability for your children and sending them off to University. How comfortable you are as a wife, friend and mother... these roles are not easy but once you settle in and then get the shock of your life it does destroy half of what you are and what you do. You sound like a great mom and good person, too good to have a husband to tell you that he may leave after the kids go off or for the time being... sleep in different rooms like roommates. I agree with you that it should be all or nothing, whoever thinks an arrangement like that would be in the best interest of the family as a whole is crazy (him), or for him to even suggest it. Better to divorce and move on.

I am surprised after 20 years he had said the things he did... especially for a lady that dumped him on his rear end 20 something years ago. He should learn the first time and if he thinks things are greener on the other side... it's not... maybe he needs to talk to some divorcee's because the ones I know will never get over it... especially when young children are tied up in it but in a sense if the marriage is abusive or unbearable then I can understand worst case scenario. I honestly don't think he is thinking clearly or has weighed out the pros or cons... I would hardly say that after him reconnecting with his long lost first love is promising and how he could possibly compromise his life now for something that has been going on for only four months? How is the intimacy in the marriage?

I don't think it's over because of your discovery, he may continue if he doesn't get that wake up call so have a good chat with him on it and get some counseling in... after 20 years I can't imagine he would just leave the relationship - intervention is needed. If on the other hand your aren't happy and all this is going on maybe start saving your money, paying your debt because you never know what the future holds.