[Gearhe4d]

Hi. I'm Trevor. I'm in love.

I had been steadily dating my girlfriend for about two years, she is the most wonderful, special, and beautiful person I have ever met. We have never had a single argument or fight during our entire relationship, and we see each other basically every day. She's the first thing that pops into my head when I wake up, and she's still running through my head when I go to sleep. I have never been happier in my entire life than when we were together. We would often talk about our future together, and she would always tell me that I was the only person for her, and that she would love me forever.

Recently, about a week and a half before Christmas, she sat me down before I left her house on this particular night, and told me she needed a "break." She said that she needed time for school and for her job, and that she still loves me, and that I'm the "most caring selfless person she's ever met." As she was telling me this, I couldn't help but feel like it was actually really over, and that this was her way of letting me down easily. She started to give me a lot of my things back from her place, and I tried to keep it cool and not say too much or do anything stupid. She also says she still wants to be friends, and wants to spend time with me as friends, and we have been recently. I just get so many mixed feelings and I'm so terribly worried that I might lose the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

Is it just a break? Is there anything I can do? Please help. I can't seem to enjoy anything, or eat right, or sleep, or work without my mind running on overdrive the entire time, I feel like I'm going insane.

[MarkwithaK]

When she starts giving you your things back and talking about being "friends" then yes, it is usually over. At least in her mind. Oh and don't be too surprised when she has a new guy in a couple of weeks.

[Gearhe4d]

When she starts giving you your things back and talking about being "friends" then yes, it is usually over. At least in her mind. Oh and don't be too surprised when she has a new guy in a couple of weeks.

Even if she promised me that she would be mine again, and just needs some time?

[MarkwithaK]

Yes. She will tell you anything at all if she thinks it will soften the blow initially.

[Gearhe4d]

Wow.. so there is no hope for me? This isn't helping very much..

[MarkwithaK]

Listen, if you want someone to tell you that everything is going to be all puppy dogs and rainbows then fine, but it wouldn't help you a damn bit in the end. If she wanted to be with you then she would be with you and all this "needing a break/time" is a crock. If she wanted this time for work and school this should in no way effect your relationship status. When someone tells you that they need time to be alone that is just chick-speak for it's over. Start the healing now.

[itried]

Sorry man, but markwithak is dead on. You're better off hearing the truth rather than all the crap. She is trying to spare you the pain of breaking up, while selfishly stringing you along in case she doesn't actually get what she wants so she can take you as her consolation prize. Do not fall for this ploy. You may be feeling insecure about yourself right now, but remember this: they are insecure all of the time, so she will be with another guy in a flash to alleviate this. Or most likely, she has been unsettled by another man and is now curious and wants to see what she is missing.

Also, she most likely is not the most wonderful, amazing and special person you have ever met. If she were, she probably wouldn't act like this. This behaviour of hers is not special, it is ordinary and if you read enough posts here you will discover that. You only feel this way because of the attachment to her. If you have been selfless during your time together and it does not weigh into her decision then she is absolutely not worth your time. Think only of yourself. She is and has most likely always been thinking of herself only. Trust me on that.

I have been where you are so I can empathize with you. What you are feeling is totally natural. Think about all the ways she held you back while you were being selfless and indulge yourself for a while. Do not wait for her. Get on with it.

[expat2009]

Apologies if I wrote too much, but this guy struck a cord in me, it's what I would've wanted to hear the few days after my breakup.

YES! I completely agree MarkWithaK and itried. You man, are me one month ago. And you have no idea how much I've learned from this horrible situation in this past few weeks. These guys told you the reality of your situation, I will try to point you out on what's next. These are a list of steps I wrote myself --in no particular order--with the stuff I've learned so far. Maybe I'm missing something, but it's what I believe will help you best in the beginning.

Step 1. Go NO CONTACT. This means remove her from your life completely! No calls, no text, no email, no checking her facebook--remove her, no chatting, no talking to her friends. Absolutely nothing. Give her SPACE, it's what she wants. Now let it be clear that this is not some tactic to get her back. It's NOT. This is for YOU to begin healing and move on. The less you talk and know about her, the less it hurts, the less it hurts, the quicker you heal and with enough time you will be over her. This will be the most difficult bit, but be strong! If you want to talk to her, don't. It will only hurt. If she wants to talk to you, don't. If she did call, It probably won't be to tell you she wants you back. If she did, believe me you WOULD know. DON'T get your hopes up. This is veeeery easy to fall into. It's simple, if she wanted to be with you, she would be. But she doesn't, so as much as it hurts keep reminding yourself that she won't ever come back. Believe me, it will save you some pain later.

Step 2. DO NOT BE HER FRIEND. Yes you think she's the most awesome thing in the world and her sh*t don't stink. But she isn't, nobody is. Being her friend will be torture day after day, you will see her move on happily to other guys while you cry in the background and suffer. You wan't this? Have you imagined her with another guy? Hurts, doesn't it! Now multiply that times ten and make it an everlasting feeling, and I'm talking about many months or even years. Being in the friendzone will NOT let you move on and heal. She will have to understand this, no chick is worth this pain. One day when you are over her and seeing her with some other dude no longer bothers you, then maybe then you can be friends. But not sooner, or you are back to the hurting.

Step 3. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. After the initial shock wears off the first few days or weeks. After you've given yourself enough time to cry and mourn your loss. Get off your couch or bed, and pull your sh*t together. This is a time to find yourself again. The same guy you were before you got together with her. The guy she fell in love with, not for her to fall again. But for YOU to love yourself again. Find activities to keep yourself busy, stuff you used to do before she came into your life. Reconnect with old friends. Make new friends. Learn to have fun again. Learn to live your life without her in it. Yes she will creep back into your head soon enough, but as time passes, the thoughts of her will be less and less frequent. Try to avoid alcohol as it makes us do stupid regrettable things and avoid hooking up with other chicks and getting into a rebound relationship, as you will be causing yourself and the poor chick you bang more unnecessary pain. Give yourself time to heal and be patient with yourself. The time will come when you see other chicks without comparing them to your ex. Let the dust settle. And when you're ready, you'll know.

Step 4. LEARN FROM THIS. You probably hate life right now, and you don't see how this situation can have a positive side to it. Well, it does, every horrible situation has a lesson. While your breakup was not entirely your fault, you did play a major part. You can argue she had issues, or is immature or whatever it doesn't matter. But you are like me, you gave her EVERYTHING right?? You went out of your way to treat her like a princess. You tried to make her the happiest chick in the world. You fell so deeply for her that your life completely revolved around her. You stopped caring about your friends and maybe even family just to be with her all the time. You avoided confrontation just so you wouldn't piss her off. Her family and friends loved you. Geez! Everything was absolutely perfect right? And then, things started to change, slowly you started feeling her more and more distant. Not giving you the same you gave her. Not putting as much effort in the relationship. Treating you less like a boyfriend and more like a friend. Yes, I know the feeling my friend. This is you putting her on a pedestal and making her a PRIORITY while she lowered you to something much lesser than that... Is this fair? NO! Why should you give it all when she doesn't? Relationships have to be equal. You have to give what you receive and vice versa. When you give too much, they drift away. When they give too much, you drift away. Learn to balance this and your relationships will be stronger and more fulfilling. You will also learn that you must not let yourself be the other half of a person, you lose your individuality. You become a couple instead of two people who are independent but still love each other very much. Anyway, all of this stuff you will see much clearer when you start analysing what you could've done better. In time.

Follow these steps and you will feel much better with time. Take your time to read the stickies and feel free to contribute as you find out more about yourself. Ask anything you want and don't be afraid to listen as many of us here are going through, or have been through, the exact thing you are. Many of them are experts and offer amazing help and insight. You are not the only guy in the world experiencing this, and you're not alone.

TIP: READ STICKIES AT THE TOP OF THE FORUM

[Gearhe4d]

So, no couples ever take a break and get back together (like she has promised me) and been happy again? Is this unheard of?

If not, what can I do to possibly get her back still, and I understand what you guys are saying, I just can't let it end like this, I at least need closure of some kind, not just "I promise we will get back together and I still love you, this is a break." - and then I just give up?

It just dosen't seem right..

[talaniman]

Relax, she will come back more than likely if her new love interest doesn't work out. Oh trust me, if he isn't sniffing around already, he will be now that she is single, and looking.

Save your dignity, and self respect, and get your own life without her in it. The best thing you can do is take the suggestions you have been given to heart, and let her go.

[MarkwithaK]

I just can't let it end like this

Why not? I bet you that she has. People say things during breaks ups that they know aren't ever going to happen. I'm sorry if you haven't heard whatever it is that you want to hear. You seem like you have it set in your mind to wait it out and be a door mat. Good luck.

[expat2009]

So, no couples ever take a break and get back together (like she has promised me) and been happy again? Is this unheard of?

If not, what can I do to possibly get her back still, and I understand what you guys are saying, I just can't let it end like this, I at least need closure of some kind, not just "I promise we will get back together and I still love you, this is a break." - and then I just give up?

It just dosen't seem right..

Same question I asked myself mate. The answer is NO. There is NOTHING you can do to get her back. In fact, anything you do at this moment will only push her away. The only one that can decide to get back together with you is her, and nothing you do will influence or change her mind. If she wants you back, believe me, you will know. So anything that makes you think she might want you back is probably just a smokescreen and an attempt to comfort herself or keep you in the friendzone as a plan B. If she does want you back you will have the power to decide if you want someone who put you as an option as opposed to the priority you put her in. You want to be her plan B?? RESPECT YOURSELF MAN!! You are worth more than that!! Why should you be a choice when all you did was put her first?? Push this "I think we have a chance because she said this n that" to the back of your mind. Don't waste your time thinking about it. While not unheard of, it's EXTREMELY rare. You see, the thing is, there is no such thing as a "break" it's a ALWAYS a "brakeup". It only becomes a break if you get back together one day so it's best for your emotional health that you disregard this is a possibility. Yes the hope will always be there, but the more you keep those hopes alive, the more pain you will inflict on yourself. Now probably most of what I'm saying sounds like it doesn't apply to your particular situation. It's normal you feel that way, I did too for awhile, and then it starts to sink in and then you begin thinking about yourself. You start listening, you start seeing things clearer. Let your emotions settle.

I won't lie, the next few weeks will be hell for you. But as you find out things for yourself you will see that our words have more and more truth to them. I am not saying this stuff to burst your bubble of hope, it's because I've been there --many of us have-- it's advice I've been given and want to pass on to you because I know you feel like sh*t. And this stuff will help you out of it hopefully.

Cheers,
Expat

[Gearhe4d]

Hm. I don't even know what to say anymore.

[expat2009]

Hm. I don't even know what to say anymore.

That's OK, you don't have to say anything. Give yourself some time for your emotions to settle. If you need to vent, update, or ask something, come back to your post and do so.

All the best mate.

P.S. how old are you?

[zeeniee]

Hey Gearhe4d,
Just start with yourself and start to think about you and you only. Take your time and cry if you have to do, take time out if you need to and let everything calmdown and get your surroundings around you to slow down- it is then you will be able to see things a bit better and work out what to do... keep tallking on this site as many of us are going through the same kind of thing and will help and so you are not alone... as painful as this is - she is gone, maybe let you down lightly as she already may have someone on the scene.. you just never know- but time is a good healer and time will let you see things better, take care Zeeniee

[Gearhe4d]

I'm 20 years old. So, I can tell already that you guys are probably thinking "Psh, "the love of my life" you're too young to say that." But it's true. I don't think I will ever find someone so perfectly symmetrical to me in every way. Everything we are is the same, right down to the stupid gross humor, and our taste in everything.

I guess I had better stop before I go on a rant there.

God, I keep smelling her on everything, and it's killing me.

[zeeniee]

Hey Gearhe4d,
Just because your 20 years old does not mean- people on this site will view the love you have for your girlfriend any less than if you were30, 40, 50, 100 or 300 years old. So rant away! It's a very good place to rant and it will help you get things off your chest and you will get good solid feedback from the rants...

[itried]

Look, you need to understand that this girl wants you to try to get back with her and to tell her how much you love her and miss her, etc. But that does not mean she will get back together with you. She wants to feel desirable, even at your expense. This whole situation, on her part, has absolutely nothing to do with reason, logic or sense. It has only to do with her emotions and how she feels at this time.It is all about her. This is not how a woman acts; this is a girl. You were being a man by being selfless for her and she did not appreciate it so forget about her. Don't call her, text her or email her. I thought that I would wait because it all didn't seem right to me either. Learn from everyone's mistakes.

Closure is important, though. I never got any from my last ex and I will agree that it is hard to deal with. Try to get it somehow if possible and I can guarantee that you will feel different about her after that. I know I did. In the end, for her it's all a game while for you it's real. They always think that the grass is greener once the relationship gets comfortable and familiar, so let her find out for herself. In the meanwhile, you should try to figure out how to live on both sides of the fence, then your grass can always be green.

[Gearhe4d]

So I should just completely disconnect from her? She even still talks to me on MSN and invites me over to hang out, or go to the movies, or dinner etc. It has been about 4 weeks now since the initial "break."

[itried]

Cut all contact with her. All she is doing is filling her time until some other guy comes along. She is being selfish and you won't understand this until its too late. Just tell her straight out that you don't want to speak to her until she gets her head straight, if ever. I can see where this is headed and it's not going to go your way. She will always be on the verge of leaving again. Don't put yourself through that.