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compsavvyimnot · Jan 5, 2009, 12:52 AM

Awww, that's sweet. Stay friends then, but not now!!

itried · Jan 5, 2009, 12:53 AM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

What if I were to tell her about how much she is hurting me, and try to talk some sense into her about us and what we have? It seems like all of this "no contact" stuff beats around the bush WAY too much. Seems like it could be more effective to sort of challenge her thinking about this and see if she just thought about it too much, and is looking at our relationship in the wrong way? If I don't contact her at all, I don't see how her point of veiw could really change?

That's what everyone thinks. The only hitch in your plan is that she is not thinking, she's feeling. Emotions are guiding her, not thoughts. You're going to dig yourself deeper if you continue on this course. What the two of you need right now is time apart. During that time you will find out what you really had.

expat2009 · Jan 5, 2009, 12:54 AM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

What if I were to tell her about how much she is hurting me, and try to talk some sense into her about us and what we have? It seems like all of this "no contact" stuff beats around the bush WAY too much. Seems like it could be more effective to sort of challenge her thinking about this and see if she just thought about it too much, and is looking at our relationship in the wrong way? If I don't contact her at all, I don't see how her point of veiw could really change?

Look, anything you say or do will push her further away Don't you see? She is thinking--or feeling ONLY about herself now. She probably does love you, but not the same way you want her to. Give her space and let her be. Let her see what life is like without you. Let her do her own thing and live your life at the same time. NC is a chance for you to heal, find yourself again, and see things more clearly with time.

Your judgment is clouded at the moment, you have way too much emotions messing with your head. Let things sink in at least before you make any decisions.

How old are you?

Don't want to lose her? Well you don't have to. There is a greater chance to have her in your life later down the road, but you need time for yourself. You cannot be her friend while you feel this strongly about her... you will only hurt more and more. Your life will be on standby for someone that clearly is not thinking about you.

Gearhe4d · Jan 5, 2009, 01:03 AM

Sigh.

I just wish there was something I could actually do, not acting at all is going to be the hardest thing I've probably ever done. I've never felt this strongly connected to someone in my entire life, and even after all of the things of read here, those words "It's just a break, I promise" keep grinding away at my head.

Am I to expect this type of nonsensical psychotic bull from future relationships? It just feels like "what's the point?"

expat2009 · Jan 5, 2009, 01:16 AM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Sigh.

I just wish there was something I could actually do, not acting at all is going to be the hardest thing I've probablly ever done. I've never felt this strongly connected to someone in my entire life, and even after all of the things of read here, those words "It's just a break, I promise" keep grinding away at my head.

Am I to expect this type of nonsensical psychotic bull from future relationships? It just feels like "what's the point?"

You think NC was going to be easy?? It's probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I probably talked to her pretty much everyday for more than 600 days. Then the break. And no calls for weeks. From ALL to NOTHING, just like that! It was sooo hard not to call her even just to hear her sweet voice for 1 minute. Each night felt like pure agony. But everyday it's getting easier even though I still check my phone every now and then looking for her missed call --less and less everyday. Any SMS I received I opened wishing it was her asking me back or saying she regrets it. But it's subsiding. NC is helping me live my life without her in my mind 24/7, now it's more like 23/7. It's a slow painful process but it WORKS! Trust me!

No, not all relationships will be the same. But once the dust clears you will find that you have learned a TON about yourself and your relationship. You will gain wisdom that will help you in all of your future relationships. You will be likely to avoid getting yourself in a similar situation again. Pain will come, but you will be better prepared to deal with it.

You know her better than any of us. Maybe she is in fact an amazing wonderful person. But nonetheless, she's a confused person that needs to grow up and find herself and what it is she wants. You in the picture asking for a 2nd -or 3rd- chance will not help the situation, it will push her away. She asked for a break because she wants space for herself and time away from the relationship. You love her? Then show it by giving her what she wants. But don't wait by the phone. LIVE!

itried · Jan 5, 2009, 01:18 AM

There is nothing you can do and it will be difficult to understand that. But ask yourself one question: Do I want her to toy with me until she finds someone else? Because if you think what you're going through right now is hard, how hard do you think it will be once that happens?

Honestly, you can probably expect this to happen again, or at least keep this in mind because you have now seen all the tell tale signs leading up to this moment. Heal yourself in whatever way you can and move on bro. In the end you'll be glad you did. It's her loss.

Gearhe4d · Jan 5, 2009, 01:22 AM

Originally Posted by itried

It's her loss.

That is another thing that worries me, I care about her deeply, and I don't want her to just wind up in some new relationship where she won't be treated right.

I know I treat her the way she should be treated, with respect, and care, and love. I always put her needs before mine, and I never neglect or fail to be there for her when she needs me.

She must realize this eventually right? But would she act on it?

compsavvyimnot · Jan 5, 2009, 01:23 AM

You are acting, on your behalf.
Yes, this kind of bull can be expected from most future relationships.
But if you didn't experience this bull, how will you learn and grow? How will you sort out the bad ones from the perfect one? It's not pointless, she's out there somewhere.
And at 20, you have plenty to look forward to.:)

zeeniee · Jan 5, 2009, 01:30 AM

Hey Gearhe4d,
Give yourself some time and space- maybe you should swtich of and let you mind rest for a while- go and get out of the house and go for a walk or clean your room or go to the gym.. it will be good to switch off and rest and maybe when you think later you will be in a more positive way with yourself and mind. Make time for yourself and try to switch off various times during the day and as each day goes by you will start to work things out for yourself.
Take care

itried · Jan 5, 2009, 01:34 AM

Man, you sound exactly like me. You obviously have a different philosophy on love and relationships than her. This is where your compatibility ends. You'll do whatever it takes to make it work and she won't. YOU think this is true love and she doesn't. If she did she would try to make it work wouldn't she? She is not willing to compromise in her life for you. Know this and find someone who will.

You're looking for TRUE love. Maybe this quote will help you know it when you see it. This is the philosophy your true love should have, in my opinion.

We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men or women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a "getaway." We cannot love and be limited.

- Alfred Adler

Hope this helps. Sometimes a good quote can put everything into sharper focus.

expat2009 · Jan 5, 2009, 01:43 AM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

That is another thing that worries me, I care about her deeply, and I don't want her to just wind up in some new relationship where she won't be treated right.

I know I treat her the way she should be treated, with respect, and care, and love. I always put her needs before mine, and I never neglect or fail to be there for her when she needs me.

She must realize this eventually right? But would she act on it?

Who knows what she will realize or act on. You cannot guess what's on her mind. And you shouldn't care. The only one who can is her --and by the sound of it I doubt even she knows a the moment. It's her life and she must learn a few things for herself too. If she gets involved with someone who isn't good for her, well she will do what she thinks is right. Let her make her own mistakes and learn for herself. FOCUS ON YOU now. You have given this girl way too much already. What has she given you apart from a broken heart and shattered dreams? You are putting her needs ahead of yours why?? Why should you if she doesn't? LOVE YOURSELF first, then you will be ready to love others in a fair way.

It's true that girls like guys who are confident, strong, and independent. Guys that command respect and have dignity. Yes, you can be sweet and give her all you want also, but not more than she gives you. You can be the nice guy without being a doormat you know.

A healthy relationship goes two ways not just one. You need to get this guy back, the guy that caught her eyes when you first got together. Get him back first, or your future relationships --with her, or another-- are doomed to fail.

Arzy99 · Jan 5, 2009, 05:34 AM

Hi Gearhe4d,
Read my story... I think it will help you, its kind of a similar situation. And just like expat.. I was you about a month and a half ago.

I initiated NC... and I REALISED SO MANY THINGS. When you are alone, and looking at things from the outside.. only then you realise the truth of the relationship - yes it hurts to know your perspective of love wasn't the same... but at least you can take comfort in knowing SHE Didn't TRULY LOVE YOU. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't give you the same things you give her?. YOU Don't DESERVE THAT MATE!.

You deserve someone that will love you and give you everything you are able to give them - the relationship should always be equal. You will learn so much, trust me!. you will learn to never make a girl YOUR LIFE, but to have your life and your own fulfillment without her... then you can SHARE your life with her!. never give a girl EVERYTHING!. you can still be the nicest guy and still treat her right without putting her first.
We all make that mistake - we've put our ex's first.. made them priorities, and done too much for them. One of the most important rule of a relationship is... you ALWAYS put yourself first - and that's where you can get meaning of the saying 'love yourself then others will love you and you can love others more fairly'... trust me, give it some time in your head and you will figure all this out just as I have.

Im in the process of letting go, I still have bad days... but I know they will pass... just remember - in life and love YOU ARE NUMBER 1, love yourself, never make a girl a priority and never put EVERYTHING into a relationship.. OK?
These are the things you should learn and take with you.

Don't feel bad though, and feel as if the break is because you were so nice - us nice guys all make that mistake! Its just, we have to learn from it.. and learn to love and respect ourselves more, because that is when we will truly find the one that loves and respects us the same way. Cos.. right now - your ex didn't truly love you the same way you loved her... the same way mine didn't truly love me the same way I loved her...

We are all in the same boat, you'll be fine!. don't worry.. keep up NC!

Jane Smit · Jan 5, 2009, 06:06 AM

I'm a mom with 3 sons 41, 38, and 33. I have watched women tear there hearts out with divorce, and the dating all over again. The same thing your going through. Listen to the advice that is being said to you.
The sooner you realize the love is gone, believe me being friends is just the next thing to go. Why set yourself up for two broken hearts. Once is enough. I feel like my sons are back in school again, but the question and the heartache is the same no matter how old you are. I feel for you, but you got to keep your chest up, and move on.

zeeniee · Jan 5, 2009, 06:09 AM

Hi Gearhe4d, I totally agree with arzy99, I was in the same situation as well, loved someone v much only to realised he did not love me that way and went and cheated 3 months before our wedding. All the advice people have posted are the best and so fingerscrossed you will be fine in time. Just remember all the good qualities you have and that one day you will share them with a much better girl who will appreciate it.

MarkwithaK · Jan 5, 2009, 07:49 PM

You keep going on and on about how you are perfect for her and she just needs to realize it and blah blah freakin blah. Have you given any thought to the option that she has thought about this and realized that you are not perfect for her? I mean come on, at 20 years of age nothing is so complicated and stressful that she needs time. I would say that she is playing you but on further review it seems that you are playing yourself by dwelling on this "I'm perfect for her and she is my soul mate" nonsense. Man up!

Gearhe4d · Jan 6, 2009, 02:57 AM

Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

Man up!

Oh OK, cool, I'll just MAN UP then, wow, problem solved, no more cares in the world I guess.

Sheesh, what was I thinking, I guess I haven't lost anything at all, you know? I feel great now.

Time to get back out there and find some new random girl! Life will be a lot easier if I just love myself right? I don't need anyone or anything I guess, being a MAN is incredible!

Gearhe4d · Jan 6, 2009, 03:02 AM

Originally Posted by compsavvyimnot

WOW. You guys are harsh.
As a "chick" I must say that I myself have called for a break after a 4 year relationship, a year into my engagement.
I'm not a dog, I've had many, many offers from guys to be with me and I refused them all, because my heart was with this man. I truely needed a break. I wanted to be ok with me, make sure I wasn't depended on a man. Make sure that I am strong and independent.
After a year, I got back with him and stayed with him for 6 more years after this ordeal. And now have 4 beautiful babies with him.
Yes, as a man he had many questions, such as 'who was I with'.
And I still love him after all these year !!

But then again, I like to pride myself with the fact that I am not like alot of the women out there, and sometime have an extremely hard time understanding the thought process of most of them.
These guys might be right, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be all that hopeless.
If she really is all that wonderful...she might be as wonderful as me and be true to her word.:cool:

I'm curious about the details of the break during your relationship, did you two still meet up and spend time together at all, did you two say that you loved each other? I need to know if we might be on the same track as you were. I really believe that she just needs some space right now, but I have to know how to treat her during this break, if I expect her to keep her word.

itried · Jan 6, 2009, 03:19 AM

Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Oh ok, cool, I'll just MAN UP then, wow, problem solved, no more cares in the world I guess.

Sheesh, what was I thinking, I guess I haven't lost anything at all, you know? I feel great now.

Time to get back out there and find some new random girl! Life will be a lot easier if I just love myself right? I don't need anyone or anything I guess, being a MAN is incredible!

Listen, I doubt you came here for advice or for any insight or perspective into your problem. I think you just came here to be patted on the head and to be told everything was going to be OK. It seems that everything goes in one ear and out the other if it's not what you WANT to hear. You need to get a grip on reality. You're being so played by this girl. And I'm starting to see why it's so easy for her do it. She has you on a leash and is loving every minute of it. Wake up kid! Being sarcastic when people are trying to help you out is not going to get you anywhere. You're being given solid gold info here and you won't take it. It's your life so do what you like. Regardless of what is said on this site, you're still going to do what you want anyway. Am I right?

a la king · Jan 6, 2009, 03:37 AM

Originally Posted by itried

I think you just came here to be patted on the head and to be told everything was going to be ok.

The funny thing is... everything WILL be all right... just in a different way than he thinks.

expat2009 · Jan 6, 2009, 03:57 AM

Originally Posted by itried

Listen, I doubt you came here for advice or for any insight or perspective into your problem. I think you just came here to be patted on the head and to be told everything was going to be ok. It seems that everything goes in one ear and out the other if it's not what you WANT to hear. You need to get a grip on reality. You're being so played by this girl. And i'm starting to see why it's so easy for her do it. She has you on a leash and is loving every minute of it. Wake up kid! Being sarcastic when people are trying to help you out is not going to get you anywhere. You're being given solid gold info here and you won't take it. It's your life so do what you like. Regardless of what is said on this site, you're still going to do what you want anyways. Am I right?

You said exactly what I was thinking. I think this kid needs a few weeks still for things to sink in. He is in a state of denial. It's sad, but I went through something like that... seeking comfort, success stories, and hope. I thought NO-ONE in the world could possibly be living my same situation. My situation was surely different. My girl was more amazing than any other. I read thread after thread on this site seeking a happy ending to a story similar to mine. After a while I realized many of you guys --like 'A La King' and you for example-- were on the same boat as me. Slowly It sank in and things started to clear up. Maybe I wasn't as hardheaded but I guess it's part of the process. Sooner or later he'll realize it and he'll come back and read the GOLDEN words we've given him. As if it mattered to us what this kid does with his life! We give him advice and he rolls it into a ball and throws it down the bin.

As Tal would say, if he needs to get a pie on the face to realize it, then so be it! But we'll still be here to help when he comes back for advice--if he does.