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    notsure09's Avatar
    notsure09 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 4, 2009, 10:22 AM
    I know the whole thing is wrong
    Hi Im new so please take it easy on me once I give my problem OK. Here goes I have read plenty and I know there are haters out there but until you're here don't throw stones just give honest advice OK. I am involved with a married man have been very involved for the past 17 months, we have become very good friends to the point where I think we trust each other with almost everything. I care about him very deeply and know that it will go no where I know Im wasting my time and emotions on this guy but truly we have become friends and I know when this ends the friendship will too. Because we all know that having a physical relationship with someone is very involed esp if its been 17 months you can't be just friends maybe in time but not right away so I know I have to go cold turkey very hard to do. He does things to get me mad and I do things to get him mad sometimes we won't talk for a day or two. Right now we are on that cycle. I haven't heard from him since yesturday morning and I know he will call or tx because it wasn't that kind of a fight. I am almost looking at this as a way out its been 2 days since I talked w him and that's a long time for us I want to find the strength to not talk for a long time because I think it is the right thing. See I was married and cheated on I know the hurt she will feel and Its so wrong for me to be w hers, I know there marriage isn't that bad because he tells me its not it lacks passion and companionship and sex. I give him all that.He gives me attention and self esteem. Our sex is great. The best I have ever had in my life all this aside I get it I need to leave just don't know how. Because when I do his life will go back to the way it was and mine will be upside down. Why would I want to put myself thur that pain... been there so many times I guess I am just looking for someone to say they understand what's happening here maybe not agree but give some kind words of encouragement to get thur this so I can do what is right for him ame and his family. How ever understand this if it wasn't me he would have found someone else because he has problems in himself.So please don't call me a home wrecker because no home has been wrecked here nobody knows but him and I. thanks for listening
    oldenoughtoknow's Avatar
    oldenoughtoknow Posts: 61, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Jan 4, 2009, 10:33 AM

    I just finished with a married woman and I know its hard but in the end it is for the best. You have to think about your own happiness first and foremost. It will be hard but just keep reminding yourself why it won't work and try and go No Contact.
    NItEMArE129's Avatar
    NItEMArE129 Posts: 222, Reputation: 29
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    #3

    Jan 4, 2009, 10:37 AM

    I agree with old enough, and I think I should also add that if you know that it's wrong to force his wife to go through what you went through, why are you still doing it?
    ja77's Avatar
    ja77 Posts: 250, Reputation: 36
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    #4

    Jan 4, 2009, 10:49 AM

    Hi notsure and welcome to the forum.

    I guess from what you have written you know that this relationship is going no place, other than what it has been. (sex-weird friendship-not being alone)

    It is hard to go cold turkey, but you need to force yourself to go into no contact with this married man straight away.

    At present you are wasting your time on a relationship with a married man that will never leave his wife, you are the perk on the side that he can have some fun with. Why waste your time when you could be out there finding a nice single guy with no strings that can give you the full happy relationship you really want.

    You say that if it was not for you he would be out there with someone else, that speaks volumes in itself ! You are trying to make your own wrong sound like it is a right. If he goes off with someone else when you stop seeing him then it is not your problem, that's his own to fix.

    When people sneak around and lie to their other halfs - there is always large proportion that get caught out and exposed.

    In all of this I do feel really sorry for this mans loving wife, because good only knows what kind of germs this guy could be passing onto her.

    Have you thought that you may not be the only other girl in the picture, do you really want to be putting your own health at risk.

    I think you have been given a rope to do the right thing, he is moving on with his life with his family. Move forwards with your own life, cut contact now and ease the pain you will suffer in the long run.
    notsure09's Avatar
    notsure09 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #5

    Jan 4, 2009, 11:05 AM

    I do agree with all of you and I know that I need to end it right now I have gone two days without contact and it is really hard, but I know it is the right thing.Tomarrow we normally see each other for several hours I am going to go out in the am instead of be home waiting for him I hope I can do this I want to make it right at least on my part. What he does outside of me his problem your right.
    ja77's Avatar
    ja77 Posts: 250, Reputation: 36
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    #6

    Jan 4, 2009, 11:11 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by notsure09 View Post
    i do agree with all of you and i know that I need to end it right now i have gone two days without contact and it is really hard, but i know it is the right thing.Tomarrow we normally see each other for several hours I am going to go out in the am instead of be home waiting for him I hope I can do this I want to make it right at least on my part. What he does outside of me his problem your right.
    Why do you not go hang out with your friends etc maybe make some new ones - find some hobies or something to help fill your time up and help take your mind off this guy.

    No Contact 100% is the only way to fixs this.

    It is hard but you have to take each day as it comes. None of us here will judge you, we may not always agree with what people do, but that's just the way the world spins - but you are always welcome to come and seek help on here.

    I wish you luck in staying strong and doing the correct thing. Ja
    NItEMArE129's Avatar
    NItEMArE129 Posts: 222, Reputation: 29
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    #7

    Jan 4, 2009, 11:15 AM

    Don't stand him up though. Let him know why you're doing this first and then start No Contact. But I'm guessing that you already started... So I think you might want to leave him a note or e-mail that says ONLY why you're doing what you're doing. Don't let him try to persuade you to change your mind, because that will only damage your willingness for NC.
    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
    Senior Member
     
    #8

    Jan 4, 2009, 12:07 PM

    Just tell him you are doing the right thing for the both of you, too many people, and too many lives will get hurt. Not just you, him, and everyone in between. It very seldom ever works with a married man. Sometimes people grasp at married people because there is no real commitment, their someone else's. Say you were married would you want your husband to do that to you? IT would hurt.. Please, let him go..
    notsure09's Avatar
    notsure09 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #9

    Jan 4, 2009, 12:13 PM

    I am really trying to let go like I said so far 2 days, I just hope when he finally does try to connect me I will have strength to no answer, easy to tell someone to do but hard to do it...
    oldenoughtoknow's Avatar
    oldenoughtoknow Posts: 61, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Jan 4, 2009, 12:17 PM

    I know it is, I'm going through the same thing I'm getting texts off her telling me she loves me and misses me and begging me please to change my mind its so hard but you got to stay strong knowing you're doing the right thing
    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
    Senior Member
     
    #11

    Jan 4, 2009, 12:19 PM

    I am sorry Notsure, and we are here for you. The toughest thing you have to do, is let go. As I said too many people will get hurt, including you. It just never works out, and its not a healthy relationship. Keep saying too yourself I wouldn't want someone to do that to me if I was married. Good luck..
    learnintolikeme's Avatar
    learnintolikeme Posts: 34, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #12

    Jan 4, 2009, 12:34 PM
    Hi!
    First of all I would like to say that I don't think there are too many haters on this site.
    Just a whole load of human beings wondering what the hell happened in their lives. Trying to get it together to go on in a humane way.
    Most of the hurt as you pointed out is due to infidelity. You yourself have experienced this.
    But the answer is not revenge it is rising above and becoming better.
    I am glad you have made the decision not to go back. If this is really what you want then you have my support. If you run back then I can only say that you know what you are doing and the consequences have to be your responsibility.
    Finally... he is playing you, why let him, that is degrading.
    Good luck.
    notsure09's Avatar
    notsure09 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #13

    Jan 4, 2009, 12:51 PM

    Well right now we are in a little agrument so he hasn't even tried but this will pass and he will I think nows its battle of the will so he thinks I'm using this as a start me in the right direction...
    notsure09's Avatar
    notsure09 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #14

    Jan 4, 2009, 01:01 PM

    You know when your in it, you think the person really cares for you and you have something really special but when it comes down to it all you really have is some laughs and good sex... you can't have a life because your to busy worried about getting caught, what I don't understand if he needs to go out side the marriage for what I'm giving him then why stay in the marriage... I know the safety and all that stuff but if he was truly unhappy then he would leave, someone once said to me ITS NOT HIS WIFE HE LOVES ITS HIS LIFE HE LOVES...
    ja77's Avatar
    ja77 Posts: 250, Reputation: 36
    Full Member
     
    #15

    Jan 4, 2009, 01:18 PM

    what I don't understand if he needs to go out side the marriage for what I'm giving him then why stay in the marriage...
    Because he is in control and has the best of both worlds. Right now with the way things have been has been able to have the cake and eat it... Only you can take that cake away and take control back with the no contact.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #16

    Jan 4, 2009, 02:43 PM

    Your actions will speak louder than words, so drop the excuses, and do what you say for yourself, and not being a hater, but we all know how hard it is to do the right thing, and how easy it is to just talk. I hope you do the work necessary, to do the right thing... for your own sake.
    learnintolikeme's Avatar
    learnintolikeme Posts: 34, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #17

    Jan 5, 2009, 02:10 AM
    ITS NOT HIS WIFE HE LOVES ITS HIS LIFE HE LOVES...

    Answering your answer.
    You are trying to hold onto anything that will let you keep him. Your friend is trying to console you and give you what you want to hear.
    Of course he loves his wife. What is love?. It is more than just a word. He married the woman. He made a home with her. Both of them will have faults but something is keeping them together. He can't be so uncomfortable or he would have left long before now.
    Have you ever thought about talking to her? Perhaps she has the right to know about you. I know that I was glad the day my husbands sidespring took contact at least I had a fighting chance.
    He has learned to live with infidelity, it is part of him. Should his wife find out about you then he has somewhere to lay his head if she throws him out... for a while. The good sex becomes routine once again and he will look for excitement outside of the relationship. ( It is so obvious you cannot satisfy this guy on your own, you haven't been able to up until now )
    On second thoughts Perhaps your friend was right . This person does not love his partner he loves his lifestyle.

    Give yourself a break and get some pride back.
    Stop making excuses for him, you are almost cetain that he will be back soon. Maybe you are playing games too manipulating the situation trying to win him over.
    If this is the case then you are making the trouble.
    If you want out get out and mean it.
    notsure09's Avatar
    notsure09 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #18

    Jan 5, 2009, 03:37 PM

    Well last night he tells me that he needs space and is so stressed out I say OK... I don't call him today he starts texting me like nothing is wrong I just don't get it...
    ja77's Avatar
    ja77 Posts: 250, Reputation: 36
    Full Member
     
    #19

    Jan 5, 2009, 03:50 PM

    Notsure you are allowing him room still to try and explain himself to you.

    As I have posted to you before - No Contact -

    Ignore his texts, calls im's etc.

    It is hard but you need to cut him out of your life period.
    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
    Senior Member
     
    #20

    Jan 5, 2009, 03:57 PM

    Not so sure, why don't you just tell him your doing the right thing, and let him go.. I don't understand what is so hard about it. He is someone else's husband. What is so hard about letting him go he isn't your's. He is married to someone else. I don't mean to hurt you, but it is going to backfire and you will be sorry you ever got involved with him.

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