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kharoof · Jan 4, 2009, 07:39 AM

I've been dating this really nice guy for about 4 months. I told him a day before that I was having surgery done on my eyes the next day, he seemed very concerned. I told him id call the next day when its over. And I do but he disconnects me. I wait and wait for him to call back but he doesn't so I call him at night and it turns out he's with his friends at a café! He could tell that I was furious and immediately started asking about my surgery then said he had to go and that he'd call later. But he doesn't. I really like him and don't want to lose him but at the same time I'm really hurt and I want him to know that. What do I do? By the way this is my first relationship I'm new at all this! Thanks

411Help · Jan 4, 2009, 08:36 AM

Is the communication between you two always this bad?

chuff · Jan 4, 2009, 09:12 AM

I'm a little confused when you say he disconnects you? Do you mean he just hung up on you or he said she was busy. If he was on a cell phone it's very easy to be disconnected as sadly this has occurred to me more then once with my boss and that's never good.

But I think you should be honest with him. Don't nag because no guy likes a nag but be open and honest and say that you thought he would have been curious about you and you didn't get that feeling. He may have a good answer and you just have to see what it is.

Also, please do not go into a four month thing and give up all common sense. Realistically speaking if this is your first relationship it's probably not going to last. That's not to say it can't or won't but I think we all thought the first would last and most of the time it doesn't. Take from this the experience so that you can grow. This is a prime example, do not bottle stuff up inside, guys like an honest girl but be honest about what's bothering you and then drop it if it was on honest mistake. If you nag him for the next month about it then he's going to be driven away. Guys that care about their girls do not purposely try to hurt their feelings... that being said guys do it and appreciate when a girl tells them so they can be aware of that in the future and try to correct it.

liz28 · Jan 4, 2009, 09:44 AM

Dating is about getting to know each other and it seems like so far he doesn't do what he said.

Know that actions speak louder than words, so what do you think his actions are telling you?

It seems like your into to him more than he is you and that isn't healthy. Sometimes you want to be in a relationship so bad that your willing to do anything and take anything from that other person, don't.

Sometimes the person your with isn't for you. A relationship is about two people wanting to be together, not one.

Btw, what are your ages?

talaniman · Jan 4, 2009, 03:22 PM

You don't want to loose this rude, disrespectful, uncaring, goofball?

That's pathetic, and you should have cussed him out, and disappeared from his life.

Just because he is the first, doesn't mean he makes an a$$ of you, does it?

kharoof · Jan 4, 2009, 11:58 PM

The next day he calls and calls, my friends tell me to give him the silent treatment so I do. Then I log on and read your replies on how I should hear what he has to say. He apologizes and says that he was really busy so busy that he didn't have time to go to the bathroom! That some guy was tutoring him all day for his up coming exam. He seemed concerned that he had hurt me but I'm really afraid. I don't want to be naïve or stupid and make up excuses for him but at the same time I do feel that he cares. The last time we fought was over me calling him when he's with his friends. To me I don't find anything wrong with it but to him it was this big thing. Our main problem is that we don't really understand the way the other gender thinks I guess. Am I making any sense??

a la king · Jan 5, 2009, 12:05 AM

He's either more concerned with himself or oblivious to the people around him.. which might be sort of the same.. Either way I wouldn't want that kind of person in my life - let someone else train him.

ISneezeFunny · Jan 5, 2009, 12:21 AM

Although a lot of people are saying that he IS a jerk, I have to (again) somehow take the opposite side of this. Granted, you are going in for eye surgery, so yes, he should try to take some time out of his life to see how you're doing, but as far as the "disconnection," not sure if he hung up on you without explaining or the phone disconnected.

I'm often quite busy, from 8am - 11pm at night, everyday. Even if I take 2 minutes to make a phone call, chances are, I have to get off the phone within 30 seconds. So I'm not sure of his entire story. If he really WAS that busy, then you can simply tell him that he hurt you by his indifference, and try to work something out.

If he was just out with his buddies, then yes, he was being a jerk.

kharoof · Jan 5, 2009, 12:42 AM

I'm having another eye surgery in a couple of days. Do I tell him?

chuff · Jan 5, 2009, 04:51 AM

Originally Posted by kharoof

im having another eye surgery in a couple of days. do i tell him?

Absolutely. In fact I'm confused as to why he's finding stuff out at the last minute. This probably explains why he can't be available at a moments notice.

Also, what ages are you two.

I'm not saying don't listen to your friends but I get the impression you are teenagers and the truth be told... no offense, but I wouldn't listen to other teens for advice on relationships.

kharoof · Jan 5, 2009, 05:23 AM

We're in our mid twenties believe it or not!

chuff · Jan 5, 2009, 07:28 AM

Originally Posted by kharoof

we're in our mid twenties believe it or not!

Okay, so you coming at this from the perspective that everything has to be perfect. It never will be, which is actually cool. I am thinking this was a simple misunderstanding and not something to vent about for days. That being said, I'm saying this as a guy, despite what you think we can not read minds. When a man screws up you don't have to be afraid to rock the boat, you have to tell him. Look, if he's a good guy he's not going to try to upset you, but at the same time he needs the communication from you, just as much as you need to give it to him. He's not perfect, he's human. If he screwed up, be honest and tell him. Honestly, that's all we ask. Your sort of holding back, because you don't want to rock the boat, when in reality you are making it worse because he has no idea what the expectations are. If he's a good guy, he'll listen to you and try to correct in the future. Just don't take it so far that you begin to nag him all the time, that will drive him away. Telling him the truth so he knows how to treat you, will bring him closer.

kharoof · Jan 5, 2009, 11:06 AM

chuff you really are amazing! Thanks

MsMewiththat · Jan 5, 2009, 11:22 AM

I agree with Chuff and think it was well put. I want to add here that being that this is your first relationship it is important for you not to forget yourself or put yourself second. If you are feeling uncomfortable with the explanation that you are receiving or the treatment that you get pay attention to that. We have a "gut instinct" when it comes to matters of the hurt and it is sometimes called your first mind. You have to listen to it and go with it. Don't doubt yourself. You are wondering why would he be so upset when he is interrupted when he is with his friends.. That is a geniune question, what is the problem, he has the option not to answer the phone. Is their other woman that he is seeing? Have you asked him that?

kharoof · Feb 3, 2009, 03:12 AM

Threads merged for the whole story

Well here it goes. . My boyfriend and I have been having some problems and I'm not sure what to do or where we are in this relationship I'm totally lost!!
We both come from conservative families where couples aren't allowed to date until they are engaged. We've been together for about six months now. He isn't ready to propose yet niether of us has graduated yet. We both had exams this month he got so busy that we hardly talked for two months or so. Then one day I couldn't take it so I told him off. He immediately sends me a message saying that I shouldn't call him and that maybe he won't call me till after he finishes his exams and that its better for both of us that way! I was so furious that I replied with" dont bother calling because your never gonna find me not now not ever!"
Its been 15 days he hasn't called. He should be done with his exams.
I don't know what to do the only thing I do know is that it hurts so much!! :(

artlady · Feb 3, 2009, 03:22 AM

I think you need some type of closure.It isn't as if you officially said you were breaking up,it was just a silly argument that never got resolved.

I would sent him an e-mail and tell him how you feel. If he truly wants to end it for good and is not just being stubborn,you need to know where you stand so you can move on with or without him.

cjeep23 · Feb 3, 2009, 05:16 AM

You told him not to call because he would never be able to find you ever? Well sounds to me like he is just doing what you told him to do.

Romefalls19 · Feb 3, 2009, 06:23 AM

You told him not to call, he is listening to you. Next time try not to make angry decisions because it creates unwanted reactions

kharoof · Feb 4, 2009, 12:10 AM

After reading your posts I went crazy! All my girlfriends told me that its his fault and that I shouldn't do anything and to wait for him to talk. But then I read what you guys have to say and I feel like I'm the one that messed up. I know its both of our faults but I really really like this guy and I don't want to lose him and at the same time I don't want to seem desperate clingy etc if we do get back. What do I do? I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me and I can't think straight anymore.

cjeep23 · Feb 4, 2009, 05:11 AM

Your girlfriends are going to tell you something like this. #1 They are women so most likely they would feel the same way in the same situation. #2 They are your friends and they are trying to be supportive by not making you out to be wrong. If my gf/ex-gf told me not to call then guess what I wouldn't. You made a decision based solely on anger. Now you have to deal with it.