[MimiGirl]

Hello everyone,
Right now I feel very depressed and down because my husband and I had a huge discussion last night.. The problem was mainly a close friend of his since high school.. It all started when I got into my husband's gmail and read a few chat logs saved (I know now that it was a bad idea, but I was bored and just curiouse to see who he chats with and about what) I logged on and saw a couple of chats that were made between his close friend and him.. Some, I have to admit, were kind of gross cause they would talk nasty (but what guy doesnt).. Anyways, I read the chat that was from that same day and what I had read just hurt me deeply.. It started by his friend telling him that he is desperated to have a woman in his life to get married etc. One thing let to the other and they began to talk intimate stuff.. My husband began to tell his friend how I wasn't that good in bed at first but that things got little better but that he had to teach me how to do it right.. Then my husband brought up his 1st ex and did kind of a comparisson.. He told his friend how his 1st ex he didn't have to teach her anything when it came to sex.. That she knew how to handle it very good and that he was her first.. He also told his friend through the chat how he had to teach me a lot of things and how much he hated that.. My husband 1st ex cheated on him with another man but even though they still had communication between each other..
Hubby told his friend that his ex girlfriend told him that the new guy that she is with now gave it to her from behind sexually... After he mentioned that to his friend he told him that he felt bad that he didn't get to do that to her..
When I read all this I felt so horrible inside.. I saw that he was putting his ex and something big and wonderful and putting me and something crappy..
That day I got in a huge argument and told him what I read.. He hated the fact that I got into his email and read things that I wasn't suppose to.. He said that its his privacy.. But Iam his wife- their shouldn't be any secrets between us.. Anyways, that day was horrible and I couldn't stop crying he didn't understand how hurt I was and that it was mainly his fault.. That day was a Friday, my weekend was horrible cause I felt that he still had feelings for his ex. And also the fact that he told our intimate things to his close friend.. Monday came, he goes to work (were his best friend also works)-he tells his friend what happened and the argument we had.. My hubby calls me up during lunch and tells me that the chat I read was a joke.. That it was all made up.. He told me that he knew that I was logging on to his gmail account and being noisy looking into his things.. He also mentioned that gmail records how many times a person logs on and from what computer.. He told me that he would have told me on that Friday when we argued but that he was afraid that I was going to get even more mader.. That the one that convinced him to tell me was his best friend..
Anyway, to get to the point, this all happened in Oct. and I still haven't gotten over it.. I feel sometimes that it wasn't a joke at all.. That I actually caught him saying the truth to his friend and that everything he said in that log was true-but his friend gave him that idea to try to cover it and so I wouldn't see him as a bad associate.. My trust with my husband has gone down the drain.. Iam trying to get back on trusting him but its hard..
He's lied to me several times and he does not understand that it all takes time.. I haven't been getting on his email like before-but yesterday I got a weird feeling and was curiouse again so I logged on and I noticed that he was online and so was his friend.. I went to his chat logs history and I saw innocent chats between his friend and him but when I look at the chat for that day I saw that he had his friend "off the record" which means for only that person for that day online all the chats will not be recorded.. I wonder why the secret? His friend tends to like bringing up his past relationships that's all he ever talks about and of course about sex as well.. I began to feel so uncomftable about everything was going on that I told my husband to cute the relationship with that friend cause I have so much doubts about him.. Yesterday we argued till almost 2 in the morning, and in the end he told me that he was going to end his friendship for me.. He also said that it kind of hurts him cause he has known the guy for a long time.. In the end I feel so depressed cause I don't know if I did the right thing or wrong.. I don't want to be mean but I felt like that friend of his was getting too much into our personal things.. I heard my husband's voice today and he sounded depressed cause of that break up with his close friend.. I feel even worst, cause in a way I wanted it to happen but in another way I don't want to think bad about me.. I want him to understand my feelings but he just doesn't..
Sorry for writing so long.. I just needed to let this thing out.. Any advice..

[talaniman]

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

I understand you being new to this fellow, and not knowing a lot of things, but after reading all your other posts, you really should relax, and lighten up on this guy, as not only are you nosey, but you let your fears, and insecurities make mountains out of... nothing, but guy talk. Seems you have been doing this for a while, and you really need someone to talk to, like an older female to guide you.

It would be sad to drive this dude crazy, when all you have to do is get something to do other than worry about him.

Give more thought to your actions, or pay the consequenses for bad behavior.

Relax, listen, and learn, are my suggestions.

[Emland]

This part struck me: "My trust with my husband has gone down the drain.. Iam trying to get back on trusting him but its hard.."

You nose around his personal, private conversations and can't trust him?

The problem isn't with your husband's friend. It's with your personal insecurities. I think you ought to apologize to your hubby. He needs to change his password and you might want to consider personal counseling.

[artlady]

It does not sound like a joke to me,that was said to placate you and maybe to stop you from feeling bad.If he was going to joke he would have taken it to a further extreme.It sounds fishy to me and I am of an age where I have developed a very good nose.

What guys say to each other is mostly BS.Its usually about stroking their egos and I wouldn't take what he said too seriously.It all came down to him sounding like a real stud who taught you all you know.

He also really disrespected the x by telling intimate details about her but he did not do that to you,only mentioned your inexperience which he so gallantly was able to fix.

It's a very immature conversation to be having and it's very reminiscent of typical locker room bragging rights.

They both need to grow up and you need to forgive if at all possible and see it for what it is... men bragging about their prowess and the women they have had.

Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
You can't force someone to understand and if he can't you just have to try to move on.It is not worth sacrificing your marriage over, or is it?

[MimiGirl]

Hello again,
First of all I would like to give thanks to all of you.. Its true, I have been away from friends ever since I got married and I do believe that's what I need.. I also agree that I have been way too busy on trying to find out my mans secrets of conversations.. Its weird cause sometimes I feel like he likes all this attention of having a pretty woman like myself all over him.. Ive heard that it might make him feel more manlier or secure of himself.. Whatever it may be, I know I have to change BIG TIME but its just so difficult-you see, Iam afraid of losing him... I love him so much-but I do understand that I can't keep him in a box or all to myself.. I just feel alone sometimes and have him as my only friend at the moment..
The funny thing is that I KNOW that Iam always behind him and after I search and read the things that I should have not read I feel so horrible inside.. People have told me that Iam way too beautiful to be stressing out over him- to let things go and not worry and most of all think positive..
Anyway, I know I have a problem, I guess it all comes down to me not wanting to be cheated or hurt.. Iam afraid of that..
I just want him to see me like a best friend.. to tell me everything and not hide anymore secrets.. I just need his honesty..
Well.. thank you again for all the advice..

[liz28]

Your husband shouldn't be your only friend and your life shouldn't revolve around him. You need your own hobbies and friends to have a healthy lifestyle and do some things that would make you happy.

Your husband friend did nothing wrong so there shouldn't be a reason for him to get rid of him. It's not like this friend was making your husband do bad things they just had a discussion between the two of them that they thought was private.

I've discussion with my friends about my past and even them with my fiancé.

It's seems that open communication is lacking and trust(on your part). What he did in the past can't be changed or erase. He's going have memories that don't only involve the two of you but some of it going be about his exes and that seems to be your problem that you can't overcome.

Be happy that your husband isn't out cheating or doing you wrong. Stop snooping to try to find things because in the long run your husband is going get sick of it and it going push him away.

[a la king]

What the hell... you snooped through his personal stuff and didn't like what you saw? This is YOUR problem.

This is so not a big deal at all... He's telling you it was a joke because he wants to make the madness stop.

Let the guy be. If you keep snooping through his stuff he'll feel like he has no privacy... THEN the problems REALLY start.

[ZoeMarie]

You shouldn't tell your husband that he has to stop being friends with his friend because you're insecure. You should be happy that you didn't find conversations between him and another woman. To me it doesn't even sound like you have anything to worry about. And if your husband didn't have to teach his 1st ex anything about sex, what does that say about her? And what does it say about you? The way I see it, it just says that you used discretion before sleeping with people. Try to relax. There are much worse things that could happen

[MimiGirl]

Your all right..
It was a big mistake that I told him to back away from his friend.. I wasn't myself when I told him to do that-I was pmsing and in a real bad emotional outbreak.. I have to learn to control myself when it comes to those days.. And I agree, I do have to learn to let go and let things be and stop snooping around..
I guess I have to try to think more positive than negative and try to stop worrying all the time.. I really do have to keep myself occupied and think more of myself..
It was a bad idea everything that I have done and I agree.. I really have to work on a lot of things and hopefully things will be better not only for my marriage but for myself as well.. Cause in a way, by me reading and finding things will only damage me more..
Thank you all again..

[xoxaprilwine]

Guy's always talk about sex; they are wired for sex and like to talk about their ex partners (stroking their ego's or so to speak). Lets face it, women are hard to figure out – men are simple (they just need the basics and the freedom to be king of their own castle). I am positive my hubby has mentioned something about me to his friends, maybe good or maybe bad I don't know and honestly I wouldn't want to unless he came to me and discussed this with me personally. I understand you have hurt feelings and what you where reading was not in your favor and extremely confidential…a major disappointment. He should be discussing these intimacy issues with you to give you an opportunity to be a better partner. However, he wasn't holding secrets from you but rather confiding in someone else, maybe to get some feedback or just to get it off his chest – whatever the reason you are the last to place judgment on it, as it was not there for you to discover.

Do not go into his computer and snoop…then fire off on him. This was inappropriate and moreover, the information obtained brings out appalling character in you – deem you as untrustworthy and domineering. Evidently he does not hold a lot of respect for his ex (this is just sex) and by saying it was too bad he didn't have anal intercourse with her is just him saying “I want anal intercourse but can't get it now”. When you read this, you should have tried maybe to bring up the discussion of sex and sexual preferences…educate yourself in different sexual techniques and spice it up…become the partner you read about and loose the gmail password and never look at it again. How did you obtain the password in any event? Oh and by him telling you it was a joke…it wasn't, he was trying to cover up his tracks…but you should have taken the approach of having an open discussion rather then a defensive one…shuts the door on communication and that is exactly why you still haven't gotten over it. It hasn't been dealt with properly, he had an issue admitting it and you obtaining the information deceitfully…he deserves an apology. Secondly, he is not to rid of his friend because you don't agree with what they discuss…even if it is about you. You should not ask someone to loose a good friend…what did the friend respond with? Do you even know? How do you know he wasn't giving your husband helpful advice and supportive to you? How would you like it if he told you to get rid of a good friend because he overheard you talking about him not romancing you enough? Think about it! STOP INVADING HIS PRIVACY! Everyone needs someone to talk to and it can't always be your husband or wife! Everyone needs down time. How you feel is your issue; you need to deal with it. It appears that your fogged/dysfunctional emotions are presiding over positive (fun loving) and functional emotions. Which in turn can and will ruin all aspects of your life including your marriage…seek guidance and maybe female companionship as it is unhealthy to wrap your life around someone else…you should always be living for you because if you don't how do you expect to live for someone else?

Now what do you mean when you say “He's lied to me several times and he does not understand that it all takes time…”?

Your insecurities are not because of him but because of yourself…your doubts are not with him but rather due to your own misconception about him. Take ownership over your feelings, thoughts and contribution to the matter. You snooping also indicates a red flag to him on whether you can be trusted. It's a two way street. I know you said you where a pretty girl but there are plenty of pretty girls – guy's get off on other girls all the time…regardless on if your pretty. He loves you and he respects you (you are his wife) so don't do anything to deliberately hurt him (your pushing him away) or anything (words or action) that makes your character questionable, especially if you know it's wrong…love is about mutual respect.

Now, since you do know about it and he knows you know and you two have spent hours fighting about it…tell him that it was inappropriate that he had these discussions with his friend and that you would appreciate being left out of the conversation. Also, that if he should have some sort of a problem with you, to discuss the matter with you or you will never have the fair opportunity to become a better partner; there are two people in a marriage, not three, so if he would like something to change in the relationship (be it sexual or not) he should discuss this with you. Allow him to resume his friendship…this was not fair by you trying to control him and the situation but rather control yourself (take ownership).

You said, “He sounded depressed cause of that break up with his close friend... I feel even worst, cause in a way I wanted it to happen but in another way I don't want to think bad about me... I want him to understand my feelings but he just doesn't... ”

If this is the case, why would you have him do something he is unhappy about? If you love him you would want him happy! You are upset he doesn't understand your feelings but you have had no consideration for his feelings. Sit down and have a “functional discussion”, if you are truly sorry and you want to work things out; if you are serious and ready to let this go. You will give him the privacy, make him change the password, stop snooping, you will let him have his friend, let him have his own sexual preferences, work on your own personal demons, accept his apology, apologize to him, find something that interests you and maybe spice up the sex life.

[MimiGirl]

Thanks for the good advices "xoxaprilwine"..
Its funny cause sometimes it feels like he likes all this attention or like he yerns for it or something.. I remember that he told me once that he never had someone as pretty as me love him so much like I say and show... And onetime when we were dating he lied to me saying that their was a girl at work that was into him and later on he told me it was a lie (and I did not argue or anything).. His reason was cause he wanted to see my reactions- in other words he wanted to see me jealouse.. We've had our discussions and he has told me that he has sort of a low self-esteem with his appearance.. maybe he thinks that I might find someone else more attractive so that's the reason why he does all this.. He knew that I had his password cause he gave it to me.. in a way its like he did it all in purpose just to show people at work and his friend that he has someone attractive after his him.. Why else would people at work know also our situation? Why does he have to be so open?
Ive told him this and he promised me that he was not going to tell others about us no more..
His friend did ask for an apology by email cause he was too shy to tell me by person..
Which makes me think even more that the whole chat thing was seriouse and no joke cause I see his friend all the time-If the whole chat was really a joke his friend would have just comfronted me without a problem to ask 4 forgiveness and not be shy about it.. But since it was 4 real its hard for him to tell me to my face.. Sorry it just made sense to me now that part... But I do agree that men are men and they think about sex 24/7.. And its true I do want him to be happy and I know that it won't happened unless I change.. Sometimes I wish I can go back in time and do things the right way.. Maybe if I would have gotten these same advices before I did anything I would have not done what I did..
Well, I made a promise to myself this yr and it was to change the way I was.. think more positive and have more friends.. be more occupied.. Thanx again :)

[xoxaprilwine]

By you becoming occupied and making friends is not the only thing that is the problem here. By him discussing your sex life and personal intimacy issues to an outsider is not acceptable... by you ignoring the situation leaves him free to continue without consequence... and men don't get it sometimes so you need to express how you feel gently - this way you don't feel inferior either. I know what I said, but you need to have this "discussion" with him and he needs to know that it is not acceptable. You do have valid reasons for being upset now that you did go through his stuff and since it is out in the open it needs to be addressed. You need to clarify that any personal issues in the marriage should be dealt between the two of you and if he has issues confronting you that it may not be a bad idea for BOTH of you to work on your own personal conflict issues as well as a refreshment course on marriage and communication. As it goes for the pretty thing again, since you mentioned it a few times in this thread - you are definitely insecure, you are are beautiful, wonderful, but mentioning it is like looking in the mirror 20 times a day (start taking the next step of personality)... maybe try not to get so fixated on the external matters and concentrate on inner-beauty; who you are; what you are; the core of your being... build your confidence and be around good supportive company. Start making changes inside out rather then outside in. Start by forgiveness for yourself and for him and move past it... he could have done worse and actually cheated, but he hasn't. By the way its great he makes you feel sexy and the only woman in his life aside from this so relax and make those significant changes for you... not him. If he wants to support you he will get on board by becoming more open and honest.

[Lucymami]

I read your blog and it was comforting to read about someone is going through the same thing I am going through. Are you still married to this guy? Are things better now? I think its an age thing :eek::eek:

[MimiGirl]

Yes I am still married to him.. things are much better now.. Iam trying my hardest to let go of many things and not take it so serious.. Even though what he did will always stay inside Iam trying to control myself and not let it get to me.. Whats done is done one has to move on.. He continues to still speak to that friend of his I also still see him as well every now and then but every time I do it reminds me that he knows about my husband and I intimacy.. Its sometimes even hard to even say Hi to the guy cause who knows what he might be thinking he knows so much about our relationship.. Anyway, I also found out that his friend blocked his Google talk I am guessing my husband told him once more that we had a argument concerning him.. I didn't argue with him about this (even though once again he tells his friend about our arguments) So what Iam doing at the moment is letting things go even though deep down it kills me knowing that he still talks to that guy-I have to just suck it in and control my temper.. What has happen in your case that's so similar to mine?
Iam trying to trust my husband again but its been very difficult.. You see, I still have this feeling that he sees no harm in sending a nice email to his first ex. Whom he was obsessed over with..
I have come to the conclusion that what comes around goes around and one day maybe not now but soon enough he'll see how it feels..

[MimiGirl]

By the way.. he is 26 and I am 24.. when he emailed his ex he was 24.. just wanted you to know as well.. :)

[Lucymami]

Does he have kids with his ex that he needs to be in contact with her? Does he come home every night? Sorry for the questions. I'm trying to understand my relationship

[MimiGirl]

No kids and yes he comes home every night and is with me everyday... What he has told me though, was that she was the one behind him all the time.. She was the one sending him emails wanting to meet up for lunch during work etc.
But when I looked at his phone bill I noticed that HE would be the one calling her and several times once or twice a month.. (I no longer see this happening in his bill-her number doesn't appear).. He told me that this all happened when we were still dating. His ex. Has a boyfriend (whom is the same guy she cheated my hubby with) and my husband told me that when they were talking behind my back her boyfriend found out and told her to take off her myspace and block my hubby from IM.. So honestly, I don't know what to believe anymore.. I feel like he is still lying to me and doesn't want to admit that he was the one always behind her butt.. Cause in one of the emails I read that he wrote to her he told her that if it wasn't cause he had plans to take a guy friend out to dinner he would have gone over and seen her.. She replied telling him that it would have been nice but in a way it wouldn't be right for me feeling the way that I feel towards that.. So it was his idea wanting to see her (when he was already going out with me)..
Sorry for the long reply.. I just want you to understand what's happening exactly..

[chuff]

I just read through this, and I don't want to repeat what everyone else has said, but the thing I've noticed about both you and your husband seems to be these games of who is better looking and who has more people into them. The whole time I was thinking this is what people did in high school. I don't doubt that you both love each other, but how is this kind of selfish immature behavior supposed to strengthen a relationship?

A relationship is going to have rough moments, but a relationship is a solid base can get past those. I'm not surprised such a non event was turned into an event, because niether of you have taken the time to actually grow up and be honest with one another about what you want and expect from the other. I would stop the insecure games and suggest both of you start working on your own personal insecurities and then agree not to use them on one another. Relationships that last work off each other's strengths, not manipulation of the one's weaknesses.

[MimiGirl]

I agree with you 100 % chuff.. I do believe and always new that both my husband and I are like in a game.. The funny thing is that sometimes we both think the same about each other and we both have insecurities about each other.. Ive tried several times to be the mature one and stop playing games but he continues and when I confront him about it he pretends like he isn't playing no game..
Honestly I don't know what else to do.. Sometimes he is on his laptop and puts it in a position so I won't see the screen-which makes me think that he is hiding something from me or pretending that he is so I can get jealouse and for him to feel like he has me in his hands forever.. Ive tried to ignore him when he acts that way, but the thought still passes through my mind "what if he really is hidding something from me? what if he is still emailing his ex after everything that has happend? what if he just married me to get over his past?"
This all might sound crazy but its what Iam passing through and think..
There are days when I don't believe that he loves me as much as his ex and all I really want from him has always been honesty..
I hate being in this game and Iam getting tired of it..