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DJ28 · Dec 28, 2008, 07:03 PM

So, My ex and I broke up about 2 years ago from about a 2 and a half year relationship. Well of course stupid me decided to try to stay friends with her. She is my best friend in the whole world, and also I am deeply in love with her still. She also tells me that I am her best friend and that she never wants to lose me, anyway from the time we broke up to about a few months ago we were still having sex, bad thing I know. Anyway I guess I have been just hoping that things would change over time, and that she would want me back over time. I am so hurt today, anyway this guy she meet the other day at a bar. I guess he's friends with one of my ex's friends. So yeah the other day this guy called my ex's friend to ask for her #, I guess he called her the day before Christmas eve. So on Christmas eve we were hanging out the ex and I and she told me that he called her and asked her to hang out today and go to the show. I am so hurt right now it was truly a reality check. So yeah we talked about it last night and I guess she has no feelings for this guy yet and is going into it with a open head. She told me that he might be a guy and might not be a guy that she can date, she just really doesn't know him and wants to see. I just don't know what to do, I am so sad right now and heart broken. I just feel like I'm going to lose my best friend and the person I love so much. I think when I hear from her tonight, that if she thinks that she might have feelings for her I'm just going to end our whole relationship, I know it has to be done. I was hoping so much that I would fiend someone before her to get over her, so that we could stay friends. I just feel like she is my everything and that I'm losing it all.

Any advise would help

talaniman · Dec 28, 2008, 10:40 PM

Really sad story, but you should have been gone a long time ago. Of course your shocked ,and hurt now, but at least you know that your girl, and best friend, has been gone a while, and its time for you to do the same, finally.

Don't worry, your hardly alone with being slow to catch on, and leave before they turn the screws to your heart, but you can heal, and move on, if you promise yourself, you will leave her alone and have nothing to do, or say to her until you are able to move on with your own life.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some good ways to move on, and get some understanding of your situation, There is a link in my signature , in case you have a problem finding them.

pimp_mah_alpaka · Dec 29, 2008, 12:28 AM

So basically what your saying is that you both can't be good friends without you being happy? She's probably in the same boat as you;; hurt and confused. Your not alone. And just because she MIGHT end up with this guy doesn't mean you HAVE to end a good friendship. Just think how much it would hurt her if it did. And anyway, this is a one night thing, its not like she's going to drop everything for him.

By getting a new girl, what will that achieve? Are you doing it for happiness or for the fact that your ex is going to see you both down the street and think 'hmm, I wish I still had him'

Before I post this comment I have another question that you should linger on for a while. Isn't being a really good friend WAY better than not having her as a friend at all? She could have ended everything and jumped to the next guy. Ignoring you and enjoying being in the arms of another guy

But instead she decided to be your friend

Someone who wants to find happiness before her

Don't you think that's a bit selfish?

expat2009 · Dec 29, 2008, 01:07 AM

Originally Posted by pimp_mah_alpaka

so basically what your saying is that you both can't be good friends without you being happy? she's probably in the exact same boat as you;; hurt and confused. your not alone. And just because she MIGHT end up with this guy doesn't mean you HAVE to end a good friendship. just think how much it would hurt her if it did. And anyway, this is a one night thing, its not like she's going to drop everything for him.

by getting a new girl, what will that achieve? are you doing it for happiness or for the fact that your ex is going to see you both down the street and think 'hmm, I wish I still had him'

before I post this comment I have another question that you should linger on for a while. isn't being a really good friend WAY better than not haveing her as a friend at all? she could have ended everything and jumped to the next guy. ignoring you and enjoying being in the arms of another guy

but instead she decided to be your friend

someone who wants to find happiness before her

don't you think that's a bit selfish?

I disagree somewhat... yes friendship is better than nothing, but not at the expense of your suffering. If it hurts to see her with someone else, then don't see her or talk to her. As much as it hurts, its not about her anymore its about YOU. And if you want to stop hurting then you need to move on. When you no longer feel that pain, then look her up and renew your friendship. If it's a good friendship, she'll understand and this won't be too hard to achieve. I had such an experience about 5 years ago. I was once in love with a girl, and I stuck by her in the friend zone for years. After experiencing a GREAT amount of pain seeing her with her each new boyfriend, I escaped, went into minimal contact mode, and finally moved on. This year, she got married, and you know what I felt? NOTHING!

It takes time, but it does work. Today we are good friends and nothing more.

starbuck8 · Dec 29, 2008, 01:34 AM

I agree that at least until you heal, you should end, or let's say postpone your friendship. One thing really stuck out to me. You said you were hoping you found someone first. I'm going to be the advocate for "Miss X." I'm glad you didn't get into another relationship. "Miss X" would have gotten a raw deal! You are still in love with the "friend." Until you deal with letting her go, it is not fair to get into a relationship with "Miss X." You would likely compare her to your friend, and that kind of relationship would end badly. You really need to take time to truly be over her. Only then should you be on the lookout for "Miss X," so she at least has a fighting chance.

Romefalls19 · Dec 29, 2008, 06:20 AM

If you try to stay friends with someone you are still in love with, it will never work and only keep the wounds fresh and painful.

Cut the ties and let the dust settle, only after that can a friendship work

pimp_mah_alpaka · Dec 31, 2008, 01:15 AM

Originally Posted by expat2009

I disagree somewhat...yes friendship is better than nothing, but not at the expense of your suffering. If it hurts to see her with someone else, then don't see her or talk to her. As much as it hurts, its not about her anymore its about YOU. And if you want to stop hurting then you need to move on. When you no longer feel that pain, then look her up and renew your friendship. If its a good friendship, she'll understand and this won't be too hard to achieve. I had such an experience about 5 years ago. I was once in love with a girl, and I stuck by her in the friend zone for years. After experiencing a GREAT amount of pain seeing her with her each new bf, I escaped, went into minimal contact mode, and finally moved on. This year, she got married, and you know what I felt? NOTHING!

It takes time, but it does work. Today we are good friends and nothing more.

That's what I meant

DJ28 · Jan 3, 2009, 09:45 PM

So it's a week later, almost to the day and she is with him again tonight. Over the past week we have kind of worked things out a little bit in a way, but not really. I am really just thinking about doing no contact tomorrow and for now on. I mean she told me after the first night she went out with this guy that she thinks nothing will happen, that's great and all but its been such a reality check that I don't think I can not go through this again with her going out with another guy. Its not fair to me or her. Its just so tuff when your so deeply in love with someone, you feel like you will never find someone ever the same. I guess I have done some positive things though sense this has happened. I joined a gym to work out at, and have been reading a lot more. It just really scares me to move on. I just know that if I try to stay friends with her, that if I would happen to meet someone that it would not be far to her because I would compare her too much to my ex. Anyway though thank you so much for the people that has written back, it helps/gives a little bit of comfort to know that other people have been through this before and that I'm not alone.

expat2009 · Jan 3, 2009, 10:36 PM

I cannot imagine myself being friends with my ex and hearing her talk about guys she is interested in or going out with. I'd rather not know and disappear from each others' lives otherwise the pain will continue. Every new detail about her life will hurt me, especially knowing that I'm no longer a part of it when a few weeks back I was.

I would definitely go NC and stay away from her and anything that reminds you of her. I know it's scary and tough, but once you start practicing it fully -and sticking to it- you will find that not knowing is better than knowing. It will let you heal faster and let you live your life without her in it. Try it. Eventually, one day you will wake up and not think about her at all. The pain will be greatly reduced, and maybe then if you think she's worth it you can be friends again. You won't have lost her, except this time, your relationship will be of a different kind. Not until you are ready for this though, or the wounds will re-open. Be careful and good luck!

DJ28 · Jan 3, 2009, 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by expat2009

I cannot imagine myself being friends with my ex and hearing her talk about guys she is interested in or going out with. I'd rather not know and disappear from each others' lives otherwise the pain will continue. Every new detail about her life will hurt me, especially knowing that I'm no longer a part of it when a few weeks back I was.

I would definitely go NC and stay away from her and anything that reminds you of her. I know it's scary and tough, but once you start practicing it fully -and sticking to it- you will find that not knowing is better than knowing. It will let you heal faster and let you live your life without her in it. Try it. Eventually, one day you will wake up and not think about her at all. The pain will be greatly reduced, and maybe then if you think she's worth it you can be friends again. You won't have lost her, except this time, your relationship will be of a different kind. Not until you are ready for this though, or the wounds will re-open. Be careful and good luck!

Yeah its really tuff right now, I mean I feel like I'm really going out of my mind sitting her wondering. Im not a creep or anything so I'm not going to stalk her or anything, but man its tuff. I'm just really confused and depressed about it all. She is such an awesome person, I Honestly just can't wait for this day to be over. My stomach is just so tied in knots, it sucks so bad. I know I shouldn't put myself through this, and I'm beginning to thing that I really am not going to at all. Its just really hard.

ZoeMarie · Jan 3, 2009, 10:46 PM

[QUOTE=pimp_mah_alpaka;1451807] isn't being a really good friend WAY better than not having her as a friend at all?QUOTE]

I personally would rather not be friends with someone at all if I was in love with that person and knew we wouldn't be together. Talk about some major heartache. Who would want to put themselves through that?

DJ28 · Jan 3, 2009, 10:50 PM

Yeah I used to think that, I used to feel like I was a lot stronger with things like this. I guess really I have just been in this lala land thinking that nothing will happen, I got to comfortable with everything. This has been a big reality check.

ZoeMarie · Jan 3, 2009, 10:51 PM

Yeah sounds like it's best to start no contact now. If she said that she didn't think anything would happen with this new guy then why is she spending time with him again? Maybe she didn't want to hurt your feelings. Let the dust settle and maybe some day you two can be friends again.

I was with an ex for 4 years and we tried being friends right afterward, that was really hard. There was a lot of confusion about feelings until we stopped hanging out for a while.

DJ28 · Jan 3, 2009, 10:53 PM

She says that the reason she is still hanging out with him is, because he is a nice guy. And that she would like to have new friends in her life.

marcel_ke · Jan 3, 2009, 11:54 PM

ex=best friend is a bad solution. Freedom and truth will set you free.don't strangle her with your love, set her free and let her breath go. If she want's to come back to you she will.but don't pull her towards you,it will make her go even further

DJ28 · Jan 3, 2009, 11:57 PM

Originally Posted by marcel_ke

ex=best friend is a bad solution. freedom and truth will set you free.don't strangle her with your love, set her free and let her breath go. if she want's to come back to you she will.but don't pull her towards you,it will make her go even further

I agree totally and I am really thinking that I will end or everything tomorrow. Its tuff for but I really need to, I can't go through with this every time she is with a guy.

expat2009 · Jan 4, 2009, 12:18 AM

I wouldn't even let her know. Just cut all contact and live your life. She will have to understand that it's about you now not about her. Move on, and with time you will heal. When you do, you will be ready for the next girl that comes your way and you will be able to give her all without your ex on your mind. Don't be a plan B! Respect yourself, you are worth more than that, and if she can't see that, then she was never for you.

Best of luck!

kctiger · Jan 4, 2009, 08:30 AM

Originally Posted by DJ28

I was hoping so much that i would fiend someone before her to get over her, so that we could stay friends. i just feel like she is my everything and that im losing it all.

This last couple lines has YOU a bit confused in a situation like this. You cannot hope to find another girl purely to get over your last girl. Life doesn't work like that, and doing so would basically constitute a rebound relationship. Find yourself, find love for yourself and find a ton of things in YOUR life that do not revolve around her, and everything else will take care of itself.

I know how it feels to find out someone you are in love with is with someone else. You have now pretty much hit rock bottom, and have no where else to go but up, so start your journey upwards, with step 1 being letting go of your friendship with her for now. I realize you hurt now, but in time you can use that hurt as motivation to wanting to improve upon your life, and you will! Good luck.

liz28 · Jan 4, 2009, 10:26 AM

It is never good to be friends with your ex when your still love with them. It only gives and could lead to false hope for you.

It is best not to worry about what your ex does in her life or who she sees. It's her life so she is free to do what you want.

The only person you've control over is you so yes moving on and cutting contact with her would be best for you because your not in a place where you two can be friends.

We all at some point have been in relationships that ended and felt hurt by it. But you live and you learn from each relationship that you have. There a lesson to be learned from everyone you have.

Know that, even if you might not think so now, there is someone out there for everyone. But you won't meet her if you stay stuck on your past.

Healing takes time and times goes by fast, even though it doesn't seem like it. Take it day by day and know that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. It a New Year with new paths to discover.

Molecular · Jan 4, 2009, 06:02 PM

You need to realize that the only reaosn you still want to be friends with her is not because you want her as a friend.
It's because you still love her, and as a result you're very curious about what she's doing and just having her around will feel good for you to a certain extent.
At the end of the day you're going to get hurt.
You need to cut contact with her and I mean this seriously.

Until you do, you will keep getting hurt and you will most likely not be able to fall in love with someone else again, you're destroying yourself.

I know this is harsh advice but it is true, you're never going to get over this woman so long as she's in your life in the way that you're describing. The thing is, if you had stopped having contact with her right away you'd be long over her by now, and who knows, maybe even in another relationship.

Cut those ties, lad!