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fed up · Jul 16, 2006, 02:36 PM

I have a grown married daughter who left the country 2 years ago. She seems to have become very distant since she and her husband started their family. Our telephone conversations are fine, but our visits are stressful. I think she feels that she has to prove to her husband that she is strong and doesn't need her family (siblings included). What do we do to correct this issue? Simply ignore it and hope that she comes around. She left Canada and moved to another country. I am left with the impression that when they come back to Canada for a holiday they don't care if they see her family or not. They spend more time with his family than with ours. Help.

valinors_sorrow · Jul 16, 2006, 02:49 PM

Talk to your daughter privately and directly about it. If that is not possible, then no wonder she moved away and why the visits are so brief. It may be that there has been a problem for a long time and you are just now "waking up" to it. Communication is the key in all relationships - frank, honest and respectful talking. I am completely estranged from my biological family because we simply cannot talk decently to each other. I now choose not to talk at all over what takes place. Before I left, some of what you are describing almost seems to fit what took place. It almost seems like there is something missing that makes me wonder what is the rest of the story here please?

fed up · Jul 16, 2006, 06:58 PM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Talk to your daughter privately and directly about it. If that is not possible, then no wonder she moved away and why the visits are so brief. It may be that there has been a problem for a long time and you are just now "waking up" to it. Communication is the key in all relationships - frank, honest and respectful talking. I am completely estranged from my biological family because we simply cannot talk decently to each other. I now choose not to talk at all over what takes place. Before I left, some of what you are describing almost seems to fit what took place. It almost seems like there is something missing that makes me wonder what is the rest of the story here please?

We have tried to talk. She clams up. Could it be that feels if she doesn't please her husband she will lose him? She seems determined to listen to him and only him. He encourages her not to become involved in family problems. He says that it is our problem. If that is the case maybe we should not inform her of anything going on in the family to avoid conflict with her husband.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2006, 05:01 AM

Sounds like you don't think much of her husband. Could that be the problem?

Krs · Jul 17, 2006, 05:36 AM

Is she your only daughter?

fed up · Jul 17, 2006, 07:19 AM

She is not my only daughter. I have another daughter . We have a very close relationship and I get along very well with her husband. My oldest daughters husband is a professional and I think he is a little too into himself. If I were the only person in the family that has this problem I would definitely see it as my problem. My sister and other family members have the same problem with my daughter and her husband. They have remarked that they can not believe the change in her.

Krs · Jul 17, 2006, 07:31 AM

Why don't u suggest to her to spend quality time together - ONLY mother and daughter.
Go shopping, then go for a nice lunch, but just the 2 of you alone, no husbands.
That way you can catch up on old times, and have a good talk together.

valinors_sorrow · Jul 17, 2006, 07:41 AM

Originally Posted by fed up

We have tried to talk. She clams up. Could it be that feels if she doesn't please her husband she will lose him? She seems determined to listen to him and only him. He encourages her not to become involved in family problems. He says that it is our problem. If that is the case maybe we should not inform her of anything going on in the family to avoid conflict with her husband.

Well its clearly something... they seem to know what it is and have left you out of the knowing. You can only ask what it is and if they don't want to talk about it, then that is that. It definitely seems as if she has been hurt by being too involved with family in the past and now she is shielding herself with her husband and he is cooperating with that decision too. This may be the only way she feels she can make the separation from her family, in which case you all will need to honor that. I am sorry for your confusion.

Krs · Jul 17, 2006, 07:41 AM

Sometimes also when a family member gets married it could be to her that her immediate family is now her and her husband, and she could feel that she doesn't need to know the rest of families problems.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2006, 12:34 PM

Relationships changing as kids grow older is normal, not always what we as parents like it to be, but normal. Be patient and just love them like always.

JoeCanada76 · Jul 17, 2006, 01:03 PM

As far as I can see there is not a real problem. I agree, you do not seem to think highly of the husband and that is probably the problem. As far as family problems, they are probably better, happier with being with their new family then extended family. I know personally my wife and I are happier when we are not really involved too much with eighter side of the family. We both are happier. Maybe one or two family members do not think the best of me but that is because they did not want to lose control, they did not want her to move away. They did not want her to have her own life. She started standing up for herself and they hated that. She has been a lot happier and a lot stronger person. The rest of the family is great, but when you have problems with one or two family members its hard to get together with the rest of them as much. Living in a different country is another story. We only live an hour away so it is not too bad. Your daughter and daughters husband have their own family to worry about they do not need added problems from everybody else.

Those are just my thougths. Just from my experience.

Joe

fed up · Jul 17, 2006, 01:14 PM

If she has been bothered in the past by being involved with the family I guess the only thing we can clearly do is to keep her out of the loop as far as family issues are concerned. She has a very elderly grandmother that she hasn't seen in over a year. At this point I'm not sure if we should even bother to inform her when there is a death in the family. As I said before she is living in another country and returns to the country of her origin once a year for a period of 4 weeks. 2 of which she spends here but always out during the day doing something with her husband and child. We feel she is here for a free hotel and meal plan. They don't contribute to the food at all. We are getting on in years and expenses aren't cheap for us. I'm beginning to wonder where I went wrong. She has a brother and sister and they would never think of doing what she has done.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2006, 01:37 PM

Fed-up, Please try not to be bitter and try to enjoy them when you see them .You can't expect all your kids to act the same do you. It does bother me when you chide them for not contributing to the food and how your getting on in age, You haven't been laying a guilt trip on your daughter have you? Be honest now do you expect to control her by any chance? Would she be a good daughter if she would do as she's told? NO offense, but I see a problem am I correct?

momincali · Jul 17, 2006, 01:57 PM

I think Krs hit the nail on the head. When our children grow up and get marrired, they have started a family of their own. This becomes their immediate family and threfore their immediate concern. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents are now extended family. That's normal. It doesn't mean that she loves you or cares about you any less, it just means that she is minding her own business/family and expects you to do the same. She is drawing lines which are boundaries, how involved she's willing to be, how much effort and time she's willing to take away from her own family. Visits shouldn't be stressful or tense and chances are that she and her husband may be sensing your tension and that negative energy just keeps circulating itself amongst each other. Call her from time to time just to say hello and find out how she's doing. Don't involve her in your problems with your family unless they are life or death or they directly effect her. As long as she's not evil or causing your harm, be willing to accept whatever time she's willing to give you, she is still your daughter and I'm sure she loves you very much. As far as spending more time with his family than hers, you may just have to accept that she actually gets along better with his family, and that's okay. Again, it doesn't mean she loves you less. I'm sure you also have family you get along with better than others and find that you actually get along better with them if the visits are shorter and more light-hearted. Don't pound her with questions about what's wrong, why are you letting him control you (because you don't know for sure that he is) why are you behaving this way... it won't help and it certainly won't change anything other than making things worse. How well do you know your son in law? Take the time to really get to know him, if he's willing and you know what they say about attracting more bees with honey. Remember, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

JoeCanada76 · Jul 17, 2006, 02:03 PM

Talaniman,

Tried commenting, can't do it anymore. You have said it exactly the way I see it myself. I think you right on with your thoughts and advice. Now it is up to this fed up person to deal with it and listen to the advice or make things worse for everybody involved. It is her choice.

Joe

Krs · Jul 18, 2006, 12:04 AM

Originally Posted by fed up

If she has been bothered in the past by being involved with the family I guess the only thing we can clearly do is to keep her out of the loop as far as family issues are concerned. She has a very elderly grandmother that she hasn't seen in over a year. At this point I'm not sure if we should even bother to inform her when there is a death in the family. As I said before she is living in another country and returns to the country of her origin once a year for a period of 4 weeks. 2 of which she spends here but always out during the day doing something with her husband and child. We feel she is here for a free hotel and meal plan. They don't contribute to the food at all. We are getting on in years and expenses aren't cheap for us. I'm beginning to wonder where I went wrong. She has a brother and sister and they would never think of doing what she has done.

To be honest fed-up I think you are being selfish, you love you daughter very much but in a selfish way!

When I was 19 I packed my bags and left my family and home to go and live with the man I love in england. I spent 6 years away from home, and like your daughter I visited my family twice or 3 times a year and stayed on holiday at home for 2 weeks.
I was on holiday when I visited my home, remember just like your daughter is when she comes to visit you! She is on a break from her hectic life back home and wants to enjoy it with her husband and child! What is so wrong with that!
When I was holidaying back home I wasn't really interested to her about all my family issues! Unless it was something mega serious! I was on a holiday break and you have to remember that your daughter is on holiday too with her family. It's a break for her.

If you don't tell your daughter about her grandmother, or about any death in the family then be prepared to not hear from her, count on losing her! Trust me. That's would prove my point about selfish love

Have you asked your daughter and husband to contribute with the food if you are that bothered about it?

To be honest I can't really see anything that bad that your daughter has done.
I think it is you who can't accept the fact that she is grown up into a women and has a family of her own in which she loves dearly!

fed up · Jul 19, 2006, 08:19 PM

I don't feel that it would be proper to ask my daughter and her husband to contribute to the food. She was brought up in a home where by you didn't walk in empty handed. A tradition my parents started with their children and we have passed onto our children. I have probably not presented the problem properly. My daughter has made major changes in her attitude towards life. She is not the same person any of us knew. We find it frustating to say the least. I'm not suggesting that she has been brainwashed, but it certainly presents itself that way. How could anyone change so radically?

talaniman · Jul 19, 2006, 08:35 PM

Originally Posted by fed up

I don't feel that it would be proper to ask my daughter and her husband to contribute to the food. She was brought up in a home where by you didn't walk in empty handed. A tradition my parents started with their children and we have passed onto our children. I have probably not presented the problem properly. My daughter has made major changes in her attitude towards life. She is not the same person any of us knew. We find it frustating to say the least. I'm not suggesting that she has been brainwashed, but it certainly presents itself that way. How could anyone change so radically?

What kind of changes do you mean? Can you be more specific?

Krs · Jul 20, 2006, 05:25 AM

Originally Posted by fed up

I don't feel that it would be proper to ask my daughter and her husband to contribute to the food. She was brought up in a home where by you didn't walk in empty handed. A tradition my parents started with their children and we have passed onto our children. I have probably not presented the problem properly. My daughter has made major changes in her attitude towards life. She is not the same person any of us knew. We find it frustating to say the least. I'm not suggesting that she has been brainwashed, but it certainly presents itself that way. How could anyone change so radically?

So you are saying you expect her to contribute to the food?
Present your main issue her, cause not all of us can really understand.
Also as Tal said, what changes?
Why are you frustrated?
People change, though remember that!

fed up · Jul 20, 2006, 05:37 AM

We used to have heart to heart talks about everything and anything. I realize that people move on in their lives. I know that she has developed new friends with interests of her own. I would be worried if she hadn't. Now when we talk on the phone she never asks about family and how they are doing. She talks about what she does and seems to have become very self centered. I once mentioned recently that I would like to sell the house and move on into a new community and she said that if we did that she would be very upset with us. Changes are good for her but not for us? Where does this come from. It would be nice to hear a simple thank you for a change. If you give them a gift they simply say that it is nice. Do I expect too much? Is she struggling for her independence and doesn't know how to go about it without going too far in the opposite direction? When she had her first child I went to stay with her to help. I will never do that again. The stress was incredible. I felt that I shouldn't have been there. 2 weeks was far too much for all of us. She is expecting another child soon and I will not go this time. They will be better off arranging for someone else to help. No I am not bitter. Far from it. There are far too many people who have witnessed the attitute and change in her that they no longer feel comfortable around her. She has become a total stranger to all who have known her and loved her.