[tirednhurt86]

Hey everyone

I'm sure by now most people know my situation but a quick refresher is that my boyfriend dumped me after 2 years together... its been almost three months now.
I asked a question a couple weeks ago about doing a last grand gesture- declare my love and see if it really was over for good. Well I felt I needed to know so I could be sure and just finally let go. Well I called and left a message begging him, crying to him, declaring my love ( stupid I know) and he called back left me a message saying lets leave it to fate and it was a nice message really... then I called back and said thanks and like telling him I wanted to try again ( again stupid I know, its just in the moment I don't think clearly)... so he called back and left a message- he had a nasty tone, he said he likes a girl and he's moving on and I should too and then he got really mean and said that she makes him very happy and that she's amazing and he wants to go out with her and he was basically tearing my heart to pieces-he told me he didn't want the commitment level we had ( we were close to engagement) and he wanted to be free and single- and now he is just going to move on alreadyyy?? I had just announced my love for him and he tore me apart. Why did he do this? Was it to make me move on? Or was it to hurt me? I guess that made me realize ( gave me the jolt I needed) to think wow, he really is a jerk and it really is done for good. The thing is... what do you do when you really love someone, and cannot ever be with them again... like what you had was real, true love and now its gone. How do you move on? How do you ever recover- its been 3 months, and the pain still is fresh, it still hurts... how do I grow from this and not let it ruin my belief in love? How do I believe that there is someone better when I felt he was it? How can I work on myself because I know I need to change things? How do I be content single, when I never have been single? How can I not turn this into a competition with him now that I know he's moving on and I'm stuck loving only him? I guess all I really want is advice on how to stop crying. I know it takes time, but all I do is cry, I'm very depressed so much so that I throw up when I get upset. Please someone, offer any advice you know, and please if you have been through it, I love to hear people who have been through the pain and have grown and moved on to bigger and better things... thanks everyone!

[Chery]

Is this the same rude, belligerent and self-centered person you've been writing us about? It will hurt longer if you continuously dwell on it and subject yourself to more pain from him.

Wow, what makes you think you 'deserve' to be treated the way he treats you, and then go back crying for more??
You need to realize that no matter how lonely it is sometimes to be without, or no matter how many minutes (yes, minutes) of pleasure he gave you - you might be hooked on being hurt.

Speaking of hurt - the hurt you are going through while healing from this breakup is a lot better than the hurt you'll endure if you continue chasing him. He will love to put you in your place every time you crawl to him. You can imagine what super salve a girl like you is to his ego. So, what is he doing for your ego? He's going to drive it further and further into the hole you've allowed it to slip into.

Stop allowing this to happen, endure the pain of the breakup and accept the rejection from him - it will do wonders for you once you're over it. Just think of the reward of self-confidence, self-respect, and the discovery that you are a person who has a right to be happy and not the brunt of someone's abuse.

I told you in one of your other threads that you are not alone, and it does take time to heal, and it does hurt, make you cry nights, and downright depressing. But we've all gone through it, we've all survived it, and it DOES get better. You will know what type of creeps to avoid from now on, and you will find someone who will respect you and treat you better. But this will only happen if you get out, meet new people and give them a chance.

You know as well as we do that one-sided 'love' is no solution - it makes you a slave and open for more anguish than being alone for a while. We all hate (most of us) being alone, but you don't need to be - just go to the next coffee shop, sit down, and be a part of it.. A whole room of new people is a lot better than being with a creep - and you can choose to leave any time.

As far as you wanting to hear from people in the similar predicament, read some of the threads on this website that are in the Relationships, Teens, Sexuality sections and you'll see a lot of yourself in them. Heck, you've even posted to some of the people with problems of the like.. so follow through as best as you can.

We never said it was going to be easy - but we will be here to help once you've come up with a 'plan', actions taken by you to change your attitude and outlook. So, please set yourself some goals and let us know what your next step will be.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get mad, and start loving yourself more!
Lots of luck dear, and keep in touch.

[valinors_sorrow]

There is a very good likelihood, with your struggle running so deep, that you are not talking about the usual recovery over a relationship that ended but something far more fundemental... like an identity loss crisis or a sense of completeness being suddenly incomplete or a validation addiction going uncomfortably unmet now. Now is a really important time for you to look at what is really going on with you. If you are having trouble getting to the bottom of it, then maybe a professional is a good idea. If that is not an option for you, then there are helpful books to consider also. If you are interested, I could name a few too.

Loving someone too much isn't true love, its codependency. Suffering for love is not a requirement of love, it's a requirement of low self esteem and the accompanying neediness. It is important that you see things as they are. Only you can know for sure what it is.

I can tell you I have loved many whom I no longer spend time with - family members, boyfriends - one I was engaged too even, friends. It is a survivable event. Speaking strictly for myself, I can tell you I don't stop loving anyone once I love them, but I do stop trusting them or spending time with them. I think about them less and less and definitely not in terms of "look what is cost me" since each one turned out to be a valuable lesson for me. I have learned that love is amazingly bountiful in the world so long as I don't demand it come in a certain package. I have also learned that its not the lack of receiving it that tends to be the bigger problem as it is the lack of having an outlet to give it. So maybe find an outlet to give some of your love to - a pet (dogs make perfect codependent partners LOL) or a volunteer situation that would love to have your help.

I hope this offers you a different perspective and that its helpful in some way. While hurting may be necessary, make it worth something by learning the lesson its offering you, whatever that may be.

[Blazingsun]

Both of you great points.

Tired, I read a thing on MSN yesterday stating 10 reasons it's GREAT to be single. Even though I loathe the idea I found myself laughing and having to agree with many.

For you. 10 reasons it's good to be single.


1 The Ego Boost
The second that you realise you're better off single, is inevitably the moment you unwillingly become a man-magnet. They're just like buses, nothing, and then ten come at once. So enjoy all the male attention.

2 Looking Good Again
Men take up too much valuable time. The minute that you're in a relationship, your hair looks crap, you gain a stone and your tan and nails wither under the pressure. Single people always look better because, let's face it, gorgeous men are everywhere and you need to be ready.

3 'Lovin Yourself'
You have an endless supply of guaranteed orgasms at your fingertips, so try a little DIY. You won't have to fake it, or deal with all the sweat, smells or stickiness, that literally comes with most men as standard.

4 Variety
So what if you've flirted the pants off Peter, rammed your tongue down Ritchie's throat, and exchanged bodily fluids with Phil? Who cares? Variety is the spice of life so get in touch with your sexuality and dive in... The water's full of fit blokes.

5 Being Selfish
It's great not having to deal with the emotional baggage. I don't have to compromise or be accountable for someone else's happiness. Now, I just have to think about me, me, me and I have to admit, I love being a selfish *****. Besides, compromising is as difficult as the Countdown conundrum, and I never get that right.

6 Taking Control
I was crippled when I split from the ex, but I have to say, it was a joy once I'd regained the use of my remote control. I'd almost forgotten what it looked like. I've since rediscovered the wonder of in-house entertainment, and it's great being able to watch what I want - even when the best thing on is a documentary about the mating habits of hamsters...

7 Hygiene
It's nice knowing that there's nothing hideously grotesque lurking in the bathroom. I can proudly say, that my soap is now pube-free, the cap is on the toothpaste and the toilet seat is staying down. I can now urinate safe in the knowledge that there's not a drop of rogue man-pee in sight. God I love being single.

8 A Social Life
Relationships always get in the way of your good friendships, so you're better off without them. Claim your life back, get out more and book a holiday. Singles are far more likely to be in the Serengeti, than in supermarket 'meal for one' section. Enjoy the freedom and make the most of it.

9 More Time to Shop
Why have a relationship when you can have more retail therapy? Shopping and men have never mixed and it's better to purchase in peace, without a bloke whining incessantly. I certainly don't miss classics like 'We've already been in here' and 'That's it, I'm going home.' Yeah, right, see you mate. I've got shoes to buy.

10 Bedtime Bliss
Snuggling into a man-sized lump is wonderful when you're horny or hung over, but not on a regular basis. I mean who needs the irritation of sharing a bed with someone's sweaty arse and wooden genitalia? I know I could do without that kind of morning glory.

[talaniman]

You are not alone men go through the same thing been there more than once myself. You think hearing a certain song after 36 years doesn't make my heart hurt a little? Guess again. But the good news is you have an oppurtunity to make yourself over with fresh ideas and a new purpose. This is a perfect time to realise who you are by yourself and to bring out that good and get rid of the bad. All my past break-ups made me a better person until I finally was ready for the real love of my life to show up. Let your pain motivate you to go to a better place. Good luck and get off that pity pot, Real men hate pity pots!!

[Cassie]

My heart does go out to you. You seem to feel as though your heart will never mend, and the love for this guy is all you can feel and if he would love you back life would be wonderful.

You have got to stop, be still, take a few deep breathes, really think about all of this. Before you met him 2 years ago, did you get along fine without him? Were you happy? Did he really bring so much HAPPINESS into your life that it is unbearable to be without him. Are you really missing him, or the time he filled up by making you miserable. Are you afraid of being alone? Is it really about his leaving you, or about his rejection of you. Have you felt rejected by other close loved ones in your life? Are you just wanting to be loved?

I think this would be a great time for you to learn to love yourself as much as you love him. You have got to be a loving person to have stayed with him when he was mean to you. He said mean things on the phone to you again. Please put all of that love you have for him in a much better needed place, to you. Learn to love you and you will see things that happen that you did not expect. When you love yourself you will attract people who will love you also. You will only allow someone to abuse you as much as you would abuse yourself. I think you have created an image of the man in your head and your are denying what he really is. He is a thoughtless, uncaring, selfish person.
Please tell me what you see in him now? Does he make you feel good, happy, loved, beautiful, witty, bright, secure? I'm thinking not. I am not going to say he is making you miserable, I am saying you are allowing him to make you miserable, taking your happiness away. You are giving him all of your power. Please, please learn to keep your own power. When you give anyone your power, you become helpless. You do not want to be powerless to anyone or anything. Please open your eyes, see what he really is. He probably always was a jerk, you just chose to see him in a different light. Everyone has a good quality or 2, even jerks:) and you zeroed in on those(because you are a kind loving person).
I think the issue here is really not the fact that he does not love you. You need to get out of that sand box and jump into a program that will help you learn to love yourself. Stop thinking he is abusing you, because at this point you are abusing yourself. He has been out of the picture for 3 months. It is no longer abut him. When you love yourself, others around you will love you. You won't want anyone like him then.
You sound very loveable, but very lost and lonely. Write him a nasty letter, burn it and decide TODAY he is the past and your future is going to be better because you are going to get help and start loving yourself and get in life what you deserve... which is only love and happiness.
Please, please do not cry anymore. Read these posts and just see how everyone is rallying around you because they care about you. Accept all of our love and caring for you and start to heal yourself. You are a very lucky lady to have so many caring for you.

[Skell]

Hi tired and hurt,

I am very sorry to hear all this. Sorry for many reasons.
Sorry that you still are feeling so much pain that you can't ever see yourself getting better.
Sorry that you felt the need to contact him again and sorry that I think you almost left this guy no other option bnut to say what he said to you.
I think he has been trying to say this to you for a while now but it wasn't sinking in. I am certainly not sticking up for him or saying what he said was right. Because that is not the case. But as you have told us (we have shared many posts about this on yours and my threads) you have been split up with him for three months, but throuhout this time you have constantly gone back and confessed your love to him, through various means of contact (email, online journal etc). I think maybe that finally he couldn't handle this happening over and over again and felt the need to tell you what he did.

As you know, you and I are sharing this experience and going through a break up wit our first love at pretty much exactly the same time. My girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me 4 months ago.
I will not go and repeat the same old advice about no contact, that which is chased runs etc because I have said it before on your threads and I know you know what it is. I also understand and know you would love to follow it but are having an ever so hard time doing so. I feel for you. I really do. But now you MUST follow everyone's advice. He has made this clear. You have no other option if you want to feel better. You have no option regardless. He has told you that you MUST MOVE ON.

Coincidentally, I seen my ex for the first time in 4 months over the weekend. We didn't talk, didn't even make eye contact. She was at my soccer game watching a friend that plays for the other team.
It is so sad that the person I spoke to every day of my life for 7 years and we could be 30 metres away from one another for 2 hours and not have any contact at all. Not even eye contact. This wasn't her fault, nor mine. I decided that I wouldn't go to her, and she decided the same I guess. This wasn't through spite or anything else. But rather a mutual knowledge I think that at this stage we both need to continue the no contact, and continue both of our healing paths. Sure mine is much harder but I don't doubt that she also is healing. She was a loving and beautiful person and did nothing but be honest about her feeling so I can't be mad at her. I'm sure you could imagine though how hard this was. To not bridge that tiny distance between us and cry, beg and plead. Confess my undying love. But I had to hold strong. It woule be of no benefit to either of us and I probably would have been given the same message that your ex has now given you.
I tell you this not to share my problems, but to show you that it is possible. It is possible to gradually get better. But you need to give yourself a chance to do as such. Right now you aren't doing this.

Maybe you should go and talk to a counselor if you haven't already. I have spoken to many women in simlar situationjs to you who have found this to be a very helpful experience.

Good luck and as always I am there if you feel the need to PM me. I can tell you how much I have hurt over the last 4 months if it will make you feel better, but I think deep down we both know only you can make you feel better. No one else.

[rebeccayujp]

How are you? Do you feel better now? I have the same experience as you do. Now I am still in my healing stage. After I read your story and other people's advise, I really feel writing something to you. My BF cheated on me and dumped me for someone he met in the internet. We were together for 10 years. It's not easy for me because I believed in him so much. I have been through everything you have been through, I really feel for you and I know it's not easy. Actually he isn't really the best choice for me, but after we broke up, all I can think about him is all good. I cried a lot and I still do sometimes. However, I really know it's good for me in the long run. Now I gradually get my life back. Every time when I feel depressed, I try to talk to my friends who can really help, or write my feeling in my diary. I also made a good decision for myself: I quit my job and started my new life in a new place. I live in a new country now and start my new job here. I feel quite great because I won't bump into him somewhere with another woman and nothing here reminds me of him. It really helps me a lot. At beginning, it was hard for me and I felt so lonely in a whole new environment. When time goes by, I feel quite happy that I helped myself out by coming here. I know it sounds funny, but after I read other people's stories, I feel I am not the only one who is suffering this, then I feel much better. Everybody tells me only time heals and I have to be patient. I will keep praying for you, for myself, and everyone who is going through this.

[Wildcat21]

Everyone - UNBELIVABLY AWESOME ANSWERS!! The greatest!!

Chery - Great stuff!!

Balzing - greatets list - WISH I had that a few years ago.

Tirednhurt - BIG LEARNING opportunity for everyone. That message for begging - asking him back - unconditional love NEVER WORKS. NEVER!! Only in the movies does that work - it's not reality!!

No one on this earth wants a needy, desperate person. That's how you came across - do you think he really wants to hear that? No.

Don't ever declare you love to someone who has broken up with you - it never works. Never. You have to slowly work your way back into tehir lives ove many months.

BUT - fro mwhat I've heard here - THERE IS NO REASON TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH THIS GUY. NONE.

[Wildcat21]

See - it hurts because you put way too much importance into someone - you have heartache because you MADE HIM YOUR LIFE - your partner is only a part of your life - NOT YOUR LIFE - ever!!

Plus - PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. He has you - undying love never works - even in marriage - this isn't the movies. People want a CHALLENGE, THEY WANT MYSTERY, THEY WANT SPACE, they also need their own life.

You need to spend MORE time with friends, Work harder at work, work harder at school, WORKOUT!! spend MORE time with family, new hobbies, find social events to attend, sports, religion etc.

These are all equal parts of your life - and your partner is a part of it. Not your life.

Once you learn to love nad work on yourself - these other thngs will fall into to place.

[Depressed in MO]

"valinors_sorrow agrees: Funny but seriously here, man-bashing can be whole n'other real problem amongst women so this might have been better posted in the humor section so we all know not to take any of it to heart?"

Val-How is this man bashing? It can go both ways? Personally, I think this (the previous comment you posted the above quote on)was a very nice thing to share-it makes people smile when they read it, and it has very good pointers in it.

"If you are having trouble getting to the bottom of it, then maybe a professional is a good idea"-I can't help but notice that professional help is a common answer with a lot of people on here."

Val-you are a genuinely (sp?) nice person and very caring, but I can't help but disagree with you a lot of the time. I am very sorry, but sometimes your words can come out offensively, even though I know you are only trying to help.
Tiredn hurt-You already know it takes time. I am going through something somewhat similar to what you are going through. If you can afford professional help, and if you think you need it, go for it. But surround yourself with friends and family-people who will let you cry on them anytime you need to, no matter what-for free. Be with people who you know and are comfortable with. The pain will go away once you are able to focus on yourself again.

[valinors_sorrow]

Val-How is this man bashing? It can go both ways? Personally, I think this (the previous comment you posted the above quote on)was a very nice thing to share-it makes people smile when they read it, and it has very good pointers in it..

Its funny at the expense of men, and when this is taken the wrong way, it gives permission for pushing everything that is wrong with a relationship off on one person, in this case men. That is often not a fair solution.

"If you are having trouble getting to the bottom of it, then maybe a professional is a good idea"-I can't help but notice that professional help is a common answer with alot of people on here."

I can't speak for the others but for me... I tend to recommend that which has worked for me, since, well,. I know it works! It's also because I am seeing something here that is far beyond the scope of what is possible here -- just like in the Pets section we often recommend they see a Vet or in the Nursing section, they see a Doctor.

Val-you are a genuinely (sp?) nice person and very caring, but I can't help but disagree with you a lot of the time. I am very sorry, but sometimes your words can come out offensively, even though I know you are only trying to help.

Disagree all you like - that is appropriate. But I won't be able to help you very much if you don't point out specifically where I have offended you -- like that one time you did, and I was able to show you that the words were being interpreted not as intended - that was good, I thought. I am sorry you think that of me -- if I say something that upsets you, feel free to PM me privately so we don't end up highjacking someone else's thread... this is supposed to be about helping them? Besides its not really appropriate to call someone offensive - it goes against the rules here, Depressed. If you think any posts are inappropriate then click the "Report Inappropriate Post" button in the upper right area of each post and let the moderators know why.

Added it later as a footnote: I am glad we pm'd each other to work it out Depressed, thank you.

[wap]

What a horrible situation, I know how you feel because I am just going through the start of a break up. It has only been a few weeks. I feel sick inside and you think of things as soon as you wake up in the morning.

It's hard not to contact the person, I have only just decided to stop all contact with him, today. It is not helping me, and I think I should just give him space and hopfully time to think about his decision and what he has done.

Men are strange, he is obviously scared of commitment, there is someone out there that is better for u : )

[Wildcat21]

You have to do the space - no contact. It has to be done. You can't convince someoen to like you - you pushe them away.

[wap]

I totally agree with you, it is very difficult but it has to be done, and I am going to give it my best shot : )

[jc105]

I at about the same point 3-4 months our after 4 years. You will think about them for a long time. But you can't always think about the good times. Remember they left you and started sleeping, or something, with someone else. That's pretty unforgivable in my opinion especially if you two had really cared for each other.

Its probably terrible but I have found bitterness is a little easier on the mind then heartbreak. Also being single does have its great moments, the thrill of the hunt is probably the best and worst part. If your good at being single then you will enjoy it, but if you have trouble meeting people its not going to be nearly as fun.

[tirednhurt86]

Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for all the advice... I really take to heart all of your advice. I think that it will take time and it is a slow process... I think I'm just impatient at times. I'm trying the no contact thing... the only thing I struggle with is the checking of his away messages and the reading of his live journal- these things keep me connected to my past- is there anyway to block a website? Because I really cannot stop looking and torturing myself. But I am trying to take it one day at a time, changing things about myself and trying to get out there and meet new people. Its very hard sometimes, but I know I have to keep moving along. I just hope one day I will be able to wake up and not think of "he is gone" as my first thought. I really appreciate all the advice, and esp. the advice from people going through similar circumstances- it gives me hope. Thanks to everyone!

[valinors_sorrow]

It's a part of human nature that its far more difficult to stop a bad habit than it is to "overwrite" it. Try picking out another website, one that is interesting and promising yourself that any time you feel the urge to look at his website, you'll go to this new selection instead.

Just an idea that may or may not work for you!

[wildhatter400]

Feeling hurt is the worse feeling in the world. To know that one guy has that power to destroy everything that you onced had. How could he do that? As you can tell I'm talking from experience. It was weird because we were really good friends and that helped to secure our relationship until one day... he just changed. It was like Monday he was in love with me by Tuesday he already made a decsioon that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I had to see him everyday at college, and to think he was my bestest friend someone who I turned to and appreciated in many ways.how could he two days later throw all of it away for a girl he barely knew. I felt sick, disgusted how could he not respect me or love me how did 3 years just mean to him?
To see him not giving a damn anymore cut real deep especially being around the same environemnt as him and 'her'. Maybe she was a bit of skirt. But how could he?
Itrs been a year and 6months and I can still go back in time to where I felt so hurt,moving on is the hardest thing to do\ sometimes I wonder if my new partner will just turn around and say.. lets call it a day! I have this fear of not trusting guys. I have just learnt to adapt and let go... \remember to go back and appreciate yourself because I realised that's who is the most important!find yourself again.

[mjordan676]

Sometimes we want what we cannot have or should not have. I just realize that my ex boyfriend that, I thought, I could not let go of because I loved him more than life. He just showed me some of his best traits simultaneously: Stupidity, emotionally and mentally illness, deception, compulsive lying, pettiness, he's always right and holier than thou. This is the last break-up and it really opened my eyes. I started recalling and called his ex wife of 8 months. She informed me that what he did to me was nothing compared to what he did to her. She said too, that I was not the first woman that called her about him. So I figured-out that I was not in love with him I actually felt sorry for him and thought I could help him by loving him. He has to first love himself. This man does not like himself; he doesn't even like the name his mother gave him at birth, and he doesn't like this nor that or himself. What can I do for him? Nothing but let him go! We been breaking up and getting back together for 7 years. My motive was wrong and I have had to accept that. It's hard, but I have to be strong. And remember, one thing for sure, a man does not want a needy woman.