[sock_poise]

I'm not sure if this is in the right place to post but it is essentially about my mum and dad and their marriage and situation, and I really need advice on what, if anything I can do to help?

The background is as follows. I am the third of four children. My parents met in their 20s, got married and had children. Never have they really told me anymore than that and to be honest I have never really wanted to know anymore. As a family we were never close. My father supported us financially but that was it. I guess he did work hard to support the family, but he never went anywhere with us or became involved in our lives. All he asked us about was school. Our mum on the other hand was the one who did everything when we were young and she still tries to do everything for us. I live away from home (I am 23) and so do my two older brothers. Only my younger brother still lives with my parents. However, he is growing up and I am sure he will want to leave home soon. Although this is a difficult thing to comprehend for the family as it will only be my parents left. Unfortunately, my parents barely speak to each other and have no respect for each other. It is mostly my father making sarcastic remarks and his pathetic behaviour. I think he may also be having an affair although I don't want to know. It makes me sad to see this and angry when my mum rings me up and complains about him. I have never confronted him about anything because I quite simply don't have the courage and neither does she I guess. So we get a catch 22 situation where if I was to say something to him, he would then probably be nasty to her. I should point out that I am quite sure my father has never been violent towards her or anything like that. I really worry about what will happen in the future though when my mum and dad are alone and how she will live. My grandparents (on my dad's side) are an example of a couple 'living together' but who hate each other. They have locks on their bedroom doors, separate spaces in the fridge, and they are constantly nasty to each other and refuse to go out together or even be in the same room. To me its pathetic but sadly it is true and has been for as long as I can remember (they have been married 50+ years!! ). I suspect the reason they have stayed together is something to do with the fact that they are deeply religious and oppose divorce etc.

So, my question is what can I do to help my mum without interfering in the relationship or taking sides? I listen to her already but wish there was more I could do. I am not really in a position to help financially, neither can I see her everyday (I live 200 miles away). Yet I cannot stand by and let her live a life like that. Sadly, it is getting to the point where we have grown up and no longer need looking after by her. I really value my independence now I live away from home and I feel guilty for not being there for her. I know that whenever I complain about the chores of life she looks at me as to suggest I should live back at home but this just isn't the solution. I feel guilty for saying it but I don't want to live back at home, not because of her but because I have got used to doing whatever I want and not having my parents around. It has also helped me to grow up and take responsibility in realising what the world is like (something I wasn't really able to do at home). So I guess what I am also asking is how can I help her to let go? I mean of course I still care deeply for her, but I need to find my way in the world. I feel that I behave in a responsible way (I never ask my parents for money) and I don't take advantage of them. But I need to help her to let go of us (children) and focus on looking after herself and perhaps sorting herself out as an individual. So if anyone can offer any kind advice about how I could do this that it would be most appreciated. Perhaps there is someone here who has gone through something similar to what she is going through now and may be able to offer some advice?

[jjwoodhull]

You are in a difficult situation - especially being the only girl. I'm sure you're mother feels more comfortable speaking to you then to your brothers.

Do not feel guilty about living on your own. You should be living on your own at 23. That is how life works. You are an adult and should be making your own way and making your own decisions.

Do you think your parents should try to work out their problems? Or do you think there is no hope for a happy marriage? Be honest with your mother about your opinion. Either tell her that you do not have the knowledge or life experience to counsel her about how to make her marriage better - and recommend she see a marriage counselor. Or, tell her that you don't think the marriage can be fixed and you don't want her to live the rest of her life unhappy. Sometimes it is hard for people to leave their spouse because of how it might effect the kids. If she has your blessing, it will make it much easier for her.

If she does leave your father, be prepared to be there for her emotionally in the beginning. But encourage her to spend time with friends and join some new groups or clubs.

[sock_poise]

Thank you for your reply.

I am actually a guy! Lol Sorry, maybe I gave the wrong impression in my post.

I understand where you are coming from with your comments especially with regards to my parents sorting out their problems. However, when something or someone has been the same way for the past 20+ years its difficult to make them realise what they are like and how to change it. It's very strange because I think my family sees divorce as being bad. It's never spoken about, although my mum does have friends who are divorced and we don't look down on them in anyway. Sorry, this is difficult to explain really.

I guess in summary, I just can't imagine my parents growing old together happily. It sounds strange but I just can't imagine it. However my mum is not the type of person to just meet someone else either. She is quite old fashioned in her manner and has had a 'traditional' life in the sense that she is not really the 21st century independent woman who is able to support herself financially and be strong. She is caring and sensitive which are definitely qualities because she has a lot of friends although it does make it very difficult in this situation.

I just worry that we (the children) are the thing she is hanging onto in life and it has come to the point where she must let go and I think she has realised this and the situation with my father so is holding on even more to us. I think she is scared of the world (rightly so) and probably scared of the changes which may or may not happen in the future. I feel as if she expects us to involve her in our lives and invite her to go places with us, although that's difficult for a 23 year old guy sometimes...

Thank you once again for the advice.

[jjwoodhull]

Sorry - I don't know why I assumed you were a girl. Reading your post again now, I see that you didn't say anything to make me think that. :o

Everything I said still applies though - for some reason she feels a special bond with you. Again, I think you and your brothers need to tell her that you support whatever decision she makes. This will be one less burden for her. Of course divorce is hard. And it might be hard for her to make it on her own - but you'd be surprised how strong people can be when they need to be.

Good luck. I hope you and your family find some joy this holiday season!

[talaniman]

Just be a good listener, and give her emotional support, and the rest is up to her, what she does, but otherwise its not your place to interfere.