[cadillac59]

I think JB, is saying don't be an elitist snob.

I always like Talaniman's way of cutting to the chase. :)

[JBeaucaire]

I suppose the rule is to get out of life what you want, as long as you don't hurt other people in the process of course, and surround yourself with people who uplift you.

That's one way of interpreting all I've said.

Another is "look for ways to give the most you can to the world, do as little harm as possible and surround yourself with people whom you can lift up." There's a difference.

As I said earlier I have no problem with anyone really, overweight or fit, as far as being friends is concerned (or having plutonic relationships). But when it comes to intimate relationships, aesthetics count quite a bit I think. Again, just my own opinion.

Opinions are the basis of many an insult... er, I mean... opinions are the foundation of ostricizing habits. Choose your opinions carefully.

Jbeaucaire: interesting comments about being careful what we think since we have a tendency to hum the tunes on our minds and all. I like that.

Yep. First we catch ourselves thinking awful things, then later we catch ourselves almost saying something awful, then we're apologizing for something we didn't mean to say... then we're just mean and don't even realize it. Slippery slope.

[cadillac59]

That's one way of interpreting all I've said.

Another is "look for ways to give the most you can to the world, do as little harm as possible and surround yourself with people whom you can lift up." There's a difference.

Opinions are the basis of many an insult...er, I mean...opinions are the foundation of ostricizing habits. Choose your opinions carefully.

Yep. First we catch ourselves thinking awful things, then later we catch ourselves almost saying something awful, then we're apologizing for something we didn't mean to say.....then we're just mean and don't even realize it. Slippery slope.

I like your point of view.

I really surprised myself when I met that guy I told you about. At first I thought "ahem...I don't think so...." (you know, that was me being the queen with that elitist attitude) but later on I actually enjoyed talking to him so much, and laughed, and had a good time that my perception of him changed. He gave me a certain look in the eye and all the sudden he looked kind of cute (just so you know all the guys at the party I mentioned were gay).

So yes, it is interesting how personality colors our perception of people.

[smokedetector]

"Anything wrong with saying, "I won't date anyone who is overweight because I have no respect for someone who won't take care of himself"? Or, "I won't date anyone who is overweight because I find overweight unattractive"?"

It's been a long time since I've posted anything, so I think I'll take this one.

I think that your view is skewed. Not wrong, just a little off the general consensus. First of all there are other reasons for people being fat. For instance, some people have thyroid problems, some people are diabetic, etc. and while they might be able to maintain an acceptable weight with much effort, keep in mind that it would take much more effort than you put out, so in a sense, you are asking that they do more than you do in order to be good enough for you. Now that argument is kind of a stretch, so lets go more basic.

Some people have different priorities than you. Some people put their kids or jobs before their looks. This is neither good nor bad, just different. Some people think people who exercise twice a day, obsess over weight, clothes, hair, etc. are too wrapped up in themselves, and those people would devote the time you spend doing your hair and working out on overtime at work or homework with the kids, or maybe just relaxing after a hectic week. Looks are important to you. They are not (that) important to everyone. So what does this all mean to you?

Maybe he is just lazy. Maybe he spends his time eating out or drinking with friends, or maybe he works a lot, or maybe he lays around playing video games or watching movies. Who knows? But obviously it works for him if it got you to *maybe* make an exception, right? So now it's up to you. You need to decide whether the most important thing to you is YOUR looks or everyone else's. Decide whether, if you had a relationship, you would be OK doing pushups while he's beating level 42 on the computer. My opinion is if you can still have the lifestyle you have with the priorities you have, then why does it matter what his lifestyle and priorities are. Yes, they should be compatible, but that doesn't mean they have to be the same. Doing jumping jacks to the beat of whatever song he is trying to pass on guitar hero is compatible, though not the same. If you would want someone to run 3 miles a day with you and share clothes with and talk dietary supplements with, then maybe this isn't the right relationship to initiate. It all depends on you.

Don't get me wrong, everyone here is right. His personality SHOULD be the biggest decider here, but realistically, people don't make decisions based on what they SHOULD think or feel, but rather what they DO think or feel. So saying "I won't date anyone who is overweight because I have no respect for someone who won't take care of himself" SHOULD be wrong, because, like I believe was said before, it assumes a lot of things that aren't necessarily true. Saying "I won't date anyone who is overweight because I find overweight unattractive" is just your own opinion and doesn't assume anything, so it is "ok". However if it is how you think then it really doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, because in terms of your relationship, the only opinions that matter are the opinions of the people who are in it. Your opinions, however weird, wrong, or different they may be, are half of what it takes to make a viable relationship.

[cadillac59]

Don't get me wrong, everyone here is right. His personality SHOULD be the biggest decider here, but realistically, people don't make decisions based on what they SHOULD think or feel, but rather what they DO think or feel.

Thanks for your post. I agree with you and this is in accord with what my friend told me once about focusing on how I was feeling while with a guy, whether he made me happy, made me feel good or whether he was full of drama and tedious. He said it is all about me, not him when dating. People tend to forget that.

Maybe I'll try putting my new perspective in practice and try getting away from being an elitist queen.:)

[cadillac59]

This is a follow-up to another thread I started earlier about how much emphasis to place on looks. I mentioned before how there was this guy I knew who at first I didn't think I'd be attracted to but after getting to know him I found that he seemed more attractive because of his personality. The primary problem had to due with him being overweight.

I went on a date with him and found him to be very nice and very intelligent, far more so than I had thought before. Yeah, I like him but the weight issue keeps haunting me. One side of me keeps thinking like a 20 year old, only focusing on looks telling myself that I "could do so much better" and the other side keeps telling me it shouldn't matter. So, I'm wondering whether I should pursue it or just let it go and find someone else (I'm gay incidentally).

[talaniman]

Its only a date, and that's supposed to be fun. I honestly think you will learn something from this. (hopefully)

[cadillac59]

Its only a date, and thats supposed to be fun. I honestly think you will learn something from this. (hopefully)

Well, that's true, but the next step is sex and that's where I'm a bit uncertain.

[Homegirl 50]

I agree with talaniman. Its just a date. Enjoy it for what it is.
His weight is your problem, not his

[Homegirl 50]

Well, that's true, but the next step is sex and that's where I'm a bit uncertain.

The next step does not have to be sex unless you want it to be. If you don't want it, don't go there. Why does that have to be the next next step.

[cadillac59]

The next step does not have to be sex unless you want it to be. If you dont want it, don't go there. Why does that have to be the next next step.

It doesn't have to be I suppose, but things tend to move a bit faster for gay men doing the dating thing.

[Homegirl 50]

You are still in control. If you don't want to go there, don't. If you are that concerned, don't go out with him again. You are the one in control

[talaniman]

Sex will complicate things for sure.

[Romefalls19]

You move at your own pace, not the pace of what others have done or what you feel is what others are doing.

[talaniman]

It doesn't have to be I suppose, but things tend to move a bit faster for gay men doing the dating thing.

I doubt that, unless you have facts that support what you say, there is no difference between young singles who hook up and gay people. Gays don't have a corner market on sexual attitudes, so all due respect, I take it as your own opinion, which I know you have some strong ones. You may be right, but I disagree, and think its more what you personally think.

Just wanted to throw that out there.

[cadillac59]

I doubt that, unless you have facts that support what you say, there is no difference between young singles who hook up and gay people. Gays don't have a corner market on sexual attitudes, so all due respect, I take it as your own opinion, which I know you have some strong ones. You may be right, but I disagree, and think its more what you personally think.

Just wanted to throw that out there.

I don't have statistics to back it up, you are right, and it is probably just my perception.You know the old joke, "Q: what do lesbians do on their second date? A: Rent a U-Haul......Q: what do gay guys do on their second date? ..A:What second date?"

Yes, young straight couples do hook up fairly freely and some gay guys take it slowly. Yeah, good point.

[cadillac59]

I take it as your own opinion, which I know you have some strong ones

Strong opinions? ME?