[try2light]

I constantly feel like people are looking at me or laughing at me whenever I'm at a club, pub, cinema, or even just walking down the road. Even with my friends, when there are a big group of us which get together - I feel iuneasy and this way. Im always conscious that I'm going to make a fool of myself or embarrass myself. I hate things especially such as waiting at the bar to buy a drink when thers loads of people. Usually people jump in front and I don't say anything. I just always feel un-important and feel even my friends don't genuinely like me too much. Im 18 and male by the way and have never even had a relationship with anyone because I've never been confident enuff to approach someone and I don't think I look too great. I just think 'y would anyone like me'. Also when I see my friends all happy and seemingly free of any insecurities I always lash out at them and I know its because I'm jelous but I just can't help it. I just feel like I don't belong in this world

[simoneaugie]

You are not alone. Plenty of people feel like you do. I got over most of my own feeling less than others when I joined a group that had performances on a stage. At first, it was so scary you wouldn't believe it. Then I began accumulating screw-ups along with the rest of my group. The audience didn't seem to catch most of them, they were busy dealing with their own mistakes. We laughed at each other on stage and while practicing, we laughed at ourselves.

Now I know that people, including me, screw up all the time. Once you realize that, you will fit right in as one more human being trying his best. At this point try your best not to lash out. Every time you feel angry and jealous and are able to be kind, pat yourself on the back.

[Choux]

You are so self absorbed that you are making your life hell for yourself.

You don't have to be perfect. Or even close. You just have to be your natural self in order to be happy and to have happy relationships. :)

One thing helped me lots when I was shy in social groups. I got a job as a waitress in a busy upscale restaurant, called servers at the present time, and that really got me going thinking about other people and talking unselfconsciously, and it built my confidcence.

Build your social power a step at a time. :)

[try2light]

Thank you guys for your advice, it all seems really helpful. What you are saying makes sense Choux and il try just being my natural self and hopefully I can be happy, the only thing that I'm thinking now is that I hate my natural self, so I'm not sure if that would make me happy. Its like that thing where people say 'you have to love yourself for others to love you', I realise this is true but its hard to love yourself sometimes. Its not as if there is a button I can press which automatically makes me loves myself and the way I look in a split second, guess the question is 'how' can we love ourselves

[KBC]

Setting small goals and slowly becoming the person we want to be.

Going to a smaller social setting where you can be a little intimidated,but not overly distraught.

Taking the chance you might be 'rejected' or 'judged',putting yourself in ,not risky,but potentially difficult(in your eyes) situation and achieving the small step of coming out of your shell.

If I knew you more I could suggest a little scenario that you could work on,but as this is just a little difficult I will let you describe what you might think is a possible tough situation for you,one where you might want to achieve a goal successfully and we can all go from there.

KBC

[illion]

Hello, try2light :)

Have you tried not to take yourself so serious? I get this feeling that you keep thinking of what other might think about you all the time, it makes you nervous and you do more mistakes and get more clumsy because of that. What do you think would happen if you stopped thinking about what the others said or did? Is it really that important?

Do you have a close friend that you trust? Maybe you could spend more time with him/ her and maybe you could try to build up your own power together with that person. In the meantime you shouldn't worry so much about "all the others". They will come to you when they understand and see what a wonderful person you are.

I also get the feeling that you are gifted with special talents, a strong side that few other people have. You have to get back to find it, you knew what it was when you were a child, you used it all the time, but you felt different from your friends so you tried to become like them instead. Now, you are old enough to stand on your own two feet, you have to be more authentic, and let yourself blossom. Don't let other people run over you with their opinions and attitudes. They come from another place, and they don't understand what treasures you own - YET...

I wish you all the best.
Illion
Intuitive Counsellor

[try2light]

Hi KBC - I guess a tough situation is going to the bar by myself when its my round to get the drinks in, usually I will give the money to a friend and ask them to go and get them (being 5ft3 at 20yrs old doesn't help my confidence either). I also hate being the fisrt person to walk into a busy restaurant or pub (usually I let one or two of my friends open the door and go in before I do).

Illion - hello and thanks for the advice, I don't have any close friends and that really gets me down. Because I used to have two close friends at different times and they kind of just drifted away. Its like everyone grows up and finds new friends and is out living their life and all I do is coop myself up at home because I hate the way I look and do not want to go out and be surrounded by loads of people. When I think of people I know, they either have one really close friend or they are in a relationship and I just want that so much as well but its not happened in 20yrs so its not liekly to happen. I feel like my teen yrs have been so wasted when I look at what other people have done. Ive got no stories to tell, I've just spent my teen yrs cooped up and depressed and when I'm out clubbin now and again I just sometimes can't wait to go home and get out of the busy atmosphere. Its such a relief when I come back home from uni, or from a night out, or anywhere else, like its my safe place. But then while I'm at home, I want to be out like other people my age but I know I will just have a rubbish time becos I won't be able to stop worrying about things. At high school (up until 6th form)... I was so happy, I was the life and soul of the party and I feel like crying all of the time whenever I look at who I am now. All I do is worry and want other things and do not appreciate what I have, I just want to be as happy as everyone else I see around me, they all party, have relationships, go on group holidays, etc. I would love to be the person I used to be, I don't know why my personality chnaged so much at 17yrs old (when I started 6th form), I would love to be the old me, and I hate what I've become, I just don't know what to do

[KBC]

You are being very hard on yourself.Did someone say or do something to you that brought this on?Or is it that you think you have to be like all the others?By the way,you THINK they are happy.Like you were in school,they might be just as insecure,but better at covering it up,covering their insecurities behind the seemingly carefree persona they portray.

[try2light]

I don't know if its something that people have said or done to me, I guess its me working out that; Ive never been in a relationship, Ive never had loads of friends, I barely go out, No girls ever show an interest - and a combination of all this leads me to think that my life is just a waste. I guess your right about other people maybe being unhappy as well but when I see them I wish I had things that they have (their confidence, the fact they are in a relationship, the fact they have high self esteem about the way they look, the fact they are always out clubbing and seeing them tagged in loads of pictures on facebook). And when I think about myself... no one would ever wish to be anything like me, I never get any girls, have low confidence, low self esteem (relsulting in me looking miserable half the time when I am out with my friends) and I just want to feel like I'm worth something and have something to offer

[illion]

Hi KBC - i guess a tough situation is going to the bar by myself when its my round to get the drinks in, usually i will give the money to a friend and ask them to go and get them (being 5ft3 at 20yrs old doesnt help my confidence either). I also hate being the fisrt person to walk into a busy restaurant or pub (usually i let one or two of my friends open the door and go in before i do).

Illion - hello and thanks for the advice, i dont have any close friends and that really gets me down. Because i used to have two close friends at different times and they kind of just drifted away. Its like everyone grows up and finds new friends and is out living their life and all i do is coop myself up at home because i hate the way i look and do not want to go out and be surrounded by loads of people. When i think of people i know, they either have one really close friend or they are in a realtionship and i just want that so much aswell but its not happened in 20yrs so its not liekly to happen. I feel like my teen yrs have been so wasted when i look at what other people have done. Ive got no stories to tell, ive just spent my teen yrs cooped up and depressed and when im out clubbin now and again i just sometimes can't wait to go home and get out of the busy atmosphere. Its such a relief when i come back home from uni, or from a night out, or anywhere else, like its my safe place. But then while im at home, i want to be out like other ppl my age but i know i will just have a rubbish time becos i wont be able to stop worrying about things. At high school (up until 6th form)....i was so happy, i was the life and soul of the party and i feel like crying all of the time whenever i look at who i am now. All i do is worry and want other things and do not appreciate what i have, i just want to be as happy as everyone else i see around me, they all party, have relationships, go on group holidays, etc. I would love to be the person i used to be, i dont know why my personality chnaged so much at 17yrs old (when i started 6th form), i would love to be the old me, and i hate what ive become, i just dont know what to do

Dear, try2light.

You are focusing very much on outer things. You don't see what the others struggle with inside themselves. You have to start with your "inside" - not the "outside". I know it seems hard, but I think that finding a close friend that you have found because the two of you like to be together would be a good place to start. I know you said you don't think you can make friendships work out in the long run, but I think you are wrong. I think you just have to "get back on track".

What sort of activities made you happy before? You could try to be engaged in something you will find interesting and then you will find friends that share your interests through these acitivities. Why do you go clubbing if it only makes you feel worse?

Illion

[KBC]

You do have things to offer,everyone does.

You seem to have the negatives outweighing the positives.

Why do you feel as if you are less than anyone else?

[try2light]

Hi Illion - this is going to sound pathetic but I go clubbing because once I start drinking then I feel a lot better. Then I feel like I've got more to offer because I become more chatty, more social and 'happier'. Sometimes when the alcohol has not kicked in this is when I just want to escape home. The fist 2 hrs of clubbing is hell and then once the alcohol kicks in then I'm fine because I forget about everyone around me. I know its sad that I can only feel this way when I've been drinking but that's the reality. Before, I used to like playing football in the park, or just the fact that I was in high sckool made me happy. I think mostly this depression and negative thinking has come from the fact that I haven't adpated to the 'real world' since high school.

Hi KBC - I feel like I'm less than everyone else because everyone else my age (especially boys) have relationships, go on group holidays with their friends, are always out having fun, and have a good time. Whereas my constant worrying and negative thoughts stop me from doing all these things. If I want to book a holiday I think - 'well who could I possibly go with', if I want a relationship I think 'i do not even have any female friends really let alone have someone interested in me'. I just want to have a good time in life but I can't help but always worry and think negatively. I don't want to always be like this, but I just don't know how to change, its not like we can control our emotions, its like a dead end

[KBC]

I dont want to always be like this, but i just dont know how to change, its not like we can control our emotions, its like a dead end

AHH , but we DO have control over our emotions.

We own them,they don't own us.

They are ours to share or keep to ourselves.

[whatsmyyname]

I'm round about the same age as you, I know exactly how you feel but the truth is, so does everyone. Anyone who says they aren't insecure about something is a lair. Your problem is, it that you care too much what people think... but then again loads of people do. I used to but then I just realized I screw up all the time and I am only human. I do embarrassing things all the time and I can be very paranoid when I walk down a street then I realize who is looking at me? Who really cares, they are probably more concerned with who is looking at them. You know what just relax and accept yourself we all are paranoid even if some won't admit it and anyone who says ' I don't care what people think' well they are a lair just try not to let it bother you because you are not alone. You don't need to be 'stunning' to get someone, you need to be confident and happy with yourself. Don't lash out at your friends because they are getting somewhere, do things that make you happy and build up your confidence have fun with your friends accept yourself or you may end up losing them. Enjoy your life there is no rush to get somewhere.

[whatsmyyname]

Hey
I'm roughly the same age as you and I can safely say this is not an uncommon feeling. I used to feel like this all the time and I occasionally still do but we are only human. I screw up and do very embarrassing things all the time, but I forget them or laugh them off. FOr ages I walked around with all the weight in the world on my shoulders just hoping not to be noticed but being invisible sucks. Firstly ask yourself why people would look at you and laugh? No offence but I think even the most pathetic people have better things to do. I feel like this sometimes and then I ask myself why? The thing is they are probably too busy worring about their own insecuriets. You seem very insecure and your problem is you care too much what peole think but everyone cares and anyone who says 'i don't care what people think' are liars and obviously do by saying that. You need to accept yourself, you don't need to be stunning to approach someone you need to be confident and laid back. Don't think 'why woulld anyone like me?' because if anything that's a turnoff girls like guys who are happy with themselves and me personally someone who is quite down to earth. Just forget about your insecuriets EVERYONE has them, focus on your good point and if you say you don't have any then you are a lair man. Do things that make you happy have fun with your life and don't take it too seriously. There is no rush to get anywhere. Also don't lash out at your friends even if its hard, instead talk to them they will have problems too just remember that. You need to stop feeling this way even if it is hard. You do belong in this crazy world.

[try2light]

Hi, thanks that was really good advice :), its just hard knowing how I can change to be someone who doesn't care as much about what other people think. And I find it so hard not lashing out and getting really angry with my friends over the smallest thing (like if I text a mate and they don't text back, or if they are online on msn and they know I'm online but don't speak to me - I know all that seems pathetic and sad, but I just feel unwanted I guess). I suppose it's a good time to change myself with the new yr approaching, maybe I should make a list of resolutions and really try harder than I ever have before to change my depressed self

[skydive4life]

I no where your coming from man.. I get the same uneasy feeling in big groups and stuff... recently I went to this party with a friend of mine and I was doing my usual don't talk to anyone thing and my friend was just doing whatever having the time of his life.. so I decided to just go for it and.. you know what.. I really had a good time.. I decided from now I screw what everyone might think.. im just going to have fun and not let anyone stop me cuase you only live once.. do you really want to look back and see yourself being unsocial when you had an opportunity to live it up.. I guess what I'm trying to say is just go out there and act like you would if no one else was around.. youll surprise yourself at how good you feel

[try2light]

This is exactly what I want to do :) Every time I am unsocial or worrying I am always conscious of the fact that I'm wasting my life away and that I'm going to look back one day and have so many regrets. Im really going to try. I mean, I have a party and new yrs eve plans so guess these are great oppurtunities to just let go of everything and have a good time and not worry

[KBC]

Make a small goal,something you can surely attain,achieve it,then set another,one tougher and it'll be all the more rewarding.

It really is that simple,Doing it is tough.

[skydive4life]

I'm the same age as you and I used to be the same way just up until recently.. man really all it is is let loose and relax.. like I mean it sounds simpler than it is but if you just make yourself do it then everything will be fine.. and the way I see it is if people don't like you for just being yourself and trying to have a good time.. forget them.. there are billinons of people out there to meet