[talaniman]

if you love someone set them free.....
if they come back then it was meant to be.

dude she's gone and she probably wont be coming back. Time to move on.

This sounds like a first love but most certainly not your last!!

Just think - When you find the right woman you wont have to go thru any of this. you will know-she will know you were both meant to be together. you can't blame her or her mom because when you are 20, there is too much of the unknown to commit with your whole heart. Thats nobody's fault but time.

Certain experiences have yet to happen even if you are mature for your age. At least now you can apply what you learned and use it towards a future relationship.

This will all make sense ten years from now. You'll say "man was I young", then you will realize most importantly, she was even younger.

Cguy,
You may be a lot more mature at 20 than most but understand your lady love may not be there .yet! Let her go and go about your life with no regrets. Expand your social life and you'll be surprised at the opportunity for fun excitement and new friends. As Wildcat will undoubtedly tell you, BALANCE your life between work and play, and enjoy both, after all your only 20 and there is no reason for you to act 50.:cool: ;)

[cguy]

@Krs - I'm sure your right. We used to do things all the time when our first year and a half together and then it slowed WAYYY down when we started working, building the businesses, and dealing with life in general. When I think back, she did want to do stuff, but for some reason I never picked up on that one.

@lost?? - I appreciate your input but it is impossible for me to cut contact with here. I am a firm believer in "It's not over until it's over", and I feel doing that will pretty much be me waving the white flag giving up any chance I have of patching up the holes. Secondly, she has an equal partnership in two of my companies, and it does require communication almost every day. I have cut down the time we spend on the phone together considerably if that's worth anything.

@jc105 - Thanks for your suggestions. I wasn't aware concerts and sports games were good places to meet people or girls especially. I have been to both before and its usually really loud and crowded. How do you manage to meet people? In regard to your second part, I am not afraid to talk to girls but I do not know if I am ready to try a new relationship yet. I'd like to see what happens in the next two months or so and then take it from there.

@BobbyC - Well hopefully my story will end like yours. She is flying up to see me at the beginning of August so we'll see how that goes. I will definitely try to be less of a Father and more of a Boyfriend in the future if I am given the opportunity to do so.

@Wilcat21 - Yeah I probably need to give her time to miss me. It is hard since I know the time is going by much faster for her than it is to me. To her it probably feels like she just left, while on my side it feels like I haven't seen her in an eternity. That's why I've been asking suggestions on what I should do to occupy myself.

@talaniman - Soneone pointed that out on the first page and I did realize that. I think it is impossible for anyone to seriously go through life without regrets. I honestly think anyone what says that is lying, as there is always something you would have done differently if given the chance. I would love to expand my social life, but wanting to and doing it are two completely different things. I have been asking for suggestions on things I could do to do that, maybe you have some? I do act older than 20, but definitely not 50. Hehe :)

Thanks for your advice everyone. Talking with all of you has really helped. Please keep the comments coming.

[BobbyC]

Your right about giving it your all cguy. Because you only once. And I'm one who does not like having regrets in life too. I sometimes hear people say, man, I wonder what would have happened if I would have tried this. There are no guarantees in life, but life itself, so live it to it's fullest with no regrets. I do hope your relationship ends like mine. Also, do not think that her time is going much faster than yours. You do not know that for sure. She might just be having the same feelings you are having, but not letting them out because maybe she is looking for that one thing to make it known. I've learn that yes women are the most beautiful creature God made, but they are also one that has very sensitive feeling. Saying things like "I love you" or "you look beuatiful today", means sooo much to them. You mentioned that you are meeting in August. That should tell you that feeling are still there. Just be very careful. I'm sure by now, with all the advice you have received you will practice every word you will say to her when you meet. Just remember, let you heart do your talking and I'm sure every thing will work out. Best of luck!

[Krs]

[QUOTE=cguy]@Krs - I'm sure your right. We used to do things all the time when our first year and a half together and then it slowed WAYYY down when we started working, building the businesses, and dealing with life in general. When I think back, she did want to do stuff, but for some reason I never picked up on that one.


Well there you go you said it yourself.
You USED to do all those fun, exciting things together, and wasn't it fun? Didn't u both enjoy it? Everybody needs some sort of thrill in their life, well I do, otherwise id get totally bored!

You can still deal with life in general and money, work etc, but always find quality time together and forget about money and business etc. Its very important, trust me!

[talaniman]

Balance your life between work and personal fun, Dinner and a comedy club does it for me. Double dating with some fun people can be exciting or a get together with another couple for an evening of cards and laughter. Take her to the park with other couples and play volleyball. My wife use to love those Sunday afternoons with our friends at the beach playing volleyball -sigh-anything to include your female and have fun. Woman love it when a man gets them out of the house for a few hours of carefree fun and you benefit too!

[jc105]

The idea isn't necessarily (SP) to meet a girl every time you go out, or even start a new relationship. But assuming that the old girlfriend isn't coming back, you should go out a make friends, girls and guys. You'll meet your new girl, whenever that may happen, when you least expect it. I only suggest doing things like that because they are fun regardless of if you meet people.

Plus if your at all broken up by the fact that your girl left, doing things, anything, will keep your mind off her. Also the more people at big events, the better a chance you have to see something worth talking to.

Good luck

[roze18]

Hi, I am around your age and am in a relationship that started up when I was 17.
What I have to say, may not help you to decide what to do, but I thought you might like to know what is going on inside a girls head.

I have been with him since for about 2 years (give or take)... and I have had my thoughts. Now, from what I read a lot of these girls are leaving and then end up marrying another guy, which makes them girls who felt like they were caged in, but going off with another guy is wrong only after a couple of months, but **** like this happens (sadly).
See when I start thinking about the future. I am wondering if I am missing out on things and at times it seems like my b/f loves me more then I love him. He has ensured me that isn't all true. Now the reason for me thinking all these things is that I am a realist. I think that something is going to happen because in this generation it is very hard to think that everything will end up happily ever after. I wonder because I have never dated before I was with him and I had a crush on him since gr. 10, but he dumped me after 4 days and I went in a downwards spin and ended up making out with 4 guys in the domincan on my vacation (we got back together in march and he later told me he was scared because we were friends for two years). I have been independent from gr.4 and giving into that is hard. The first months went by so fast, because I didn't think I could keep him, because of past history, but finally he told me he would kill himself if I left him. I made him promised if anything happened in the future that he wouldn't kill himself or limit himself. Because as a women, I am still confused about my life. I want to travel. I don't want to settle down. I want to go out dancing without my b/f being jealous I danced with my g/fs instead of him.
Girls, when they want to get tied down, will want to spend a night in with u, instead of going out with the girls.
Anyway, in ways this was me rambling. Mothers don't in my mind have that much say with our love lives. It will be something else they say; their negativity and we go with it. Thinking we don't want to end up like that.
She wants to get away. It may not be that your smothering her. What happened in her life is hard. And she needs to take comfort in someone. What sucks is that once they take comfort in someone and soon to get over it, being with that person may remind them the problems that happened. We are complicated so to say she is thinking that is a leap of some sort, but give her time. See her over a couple of times and don't be needy and grabby when she's around. She needs a man, not a parent or a love puppy boyfriend. If your becoming more sophisticated, go out by walking through a nice part of where you live. You don't have to go clubbing if you don't want to. Going to a café and sitting there for a hour reading may calm you down.

I'm sorry if none of this helps. I just feel bad for you. I wonder about what would happen if me and my boy separated and all I see is that I would be the one to do it, because he will never leave. And I hate that I am contained that way, but there has been a lot of compromise because I have talked to him about this. Maybe just talking after an occasional visits will help you to understand why she really left.

Good luck... just keep what your doing, but take time out of your life to go for a walk or take a book to a restaurant and order a drink or appetizer...

[cguy]

Hello everyone,

I posted a topic here back at the beginning of July, and want to update everyone on what is going on.

If you haven't yet read my topic, I urge you to first look over it here. It will catch you up, and tons of people left great advice!

Well, since I posted I started doing better, largely in part because of some of the great people I met here, and because I went on a 6 week vacation and saw some family as well. I recently returned home, and have been very productive. I've cleaned up my house (it wasn't dirty, but extremely cluttered). I've also started working on two new businesses, which are due to launch in about a month and should triple my current income. I'm getting ready to start taking private golf lessons here in a few weeks since many of you suggested I do that to find people more 'like me'. I've also been working out too. I didn't think it was possible since I'm not even big, but I've lost over 25 lbs. of body fat, and am gaining muscle day by day.

Anyway, besides all the accomplishments I've been reaching for myself, I have been quite happier because of you guys. So thank you!

But... there is never a story that is PERFECT, right? So here we go. During my vacation I hadn't been calling my girlfriend and had been giving her space like you guys had suggested. It worked, and she started calling me. I didn't call her back for awhile, about two weeks, and when I finally did she told me she still loved me, she regret ever leaving in the first place, and that she missed me. Although my first instinct was to say, "Great! Come back home!", I decided that is was best to tell her to keep doing what she had been doing, as we were both evolving in our lives, and that it wasn't the right time to go back to our old lives. I also had told her it was probably just her emotions talking because she was thinking of me, and that it would probably come to pass, and she swore to me the feelings were real and would never change.

I did this for several reasons. Here are a few;

1. I didn't want her to come back too soon and feel like she didn't get it all out of her system.
2. I was changing and still 'in the process' so to speak, and I was afraid if she came back I would fall into my old style of living.
3. I didn't want to allow her to come back with open arms, because then she might feel like I'll always be there to take her back which could lead to bigger problems.
4. I needed to keep focused on my businesses, etc so that I could by my house, and live a more fullfilling and rich life.

Good reasons, yes... no?

Anyway, her sweetness went on for about a week, about the time I was flying back home, and then it stopped. Looks like I was right, even though I didn't want to be, but it seems the feelings came to pass. She has filled her life with lots of activity, so she does not have time to even think about 'us' (she told me this). Now the problem is she kind of reverse-psychology'd me, and now I find myself missing her, even to the point where the other night right before bed I started balling over it (do not repeat this to too many people :p hehe).

So my new questions are, did I do the right thing? What should I do now that she seems over me again?

I appreciate all your help and I look forward to your opinions.

Thanks again everyone!

-A happier but also depressed, cguy. :(

[talaniman]

You did the right thing and since it has made you happier I would stay on course and see what happens. You've come too far to start second guessing yourself and you should look forward. Don't worry I promise not to tell what a big baby you were. (chuckles)

[Wildcat21]

Dude - that's GREAT you turned your life around! Awesome!! Love it!! Way to go!!

Keep doing what you were doing!! It worked in getting her interested again.

I bet a lot of money when you got back - when went BACK to osme of your old habits - STOP THAT!! You're new guy - do other things.


"People want what they can't have" - that's why she came back.

For ever and ever - even in marriage - LESS IS MOORE!! Be mysterious - be busy.

Keep your feelings to yourself - trust me.

[chuff]

Hey Wildcat, can you please explain to how to be mysterious in marriage? I've never been married so obviously I don't have a clue but at some point in dating or marriage don't you begin to know the person your with?

[Wildcat21]

Gladly - going out with your friends. Having hobbies. Not ALWAYS being predictable. Having a SPINE and not always being totally agreeable. Planning FUN things always - suprises. Not letting her always know what's coming next. Having a date night - one time one partner plans something - the next the other plans. Always changing things I nthe love making department. Little notes. Not alwaysgiivng her flowers, but doing it sometimes - just because and without reason. Unexpected presents - keep this limited.

I can go on.

[Presleygall85]

You are security and she wants (right now) excitement, when it passes she will come back because she will miss the security blanket she knows you inside and out and knows you will never hurt her but the question is when she wants to come back are you going to let her? Girls go through this
"party" phase in there life where all they want is a crap load of experience.. they like the whole single life where you get a million and two guys to give you attention.. Most girls go through this phase in there early 20 and usually it doesn't last very long...

If this was my life I would send her packing and never look back.. when your independent for too long you change and sometimes it is a good change but sometimes it is not.. so if you liked how she was before you might not like who she becomes.. and when she is willing to come back and you still want to give it a chance then that's OK too, you never know maybe you will like everything better.. does that make any sense what so ever?

[Wildcat21]

I agree with Presleygall has to say a lot. I've seen this in women in their 40' do this - they reach 40 and realize they NEVER had their wild girl stage - divorce and go nuts.

[Skell]

cguy,

Reckon you have done so good. You have shown great maturity and strength of character. You should be PROUD of yuorself.

And you have shown a lot of traits here that will make you so attractive to women and I'm sure you will be a great catch for some top girl.

So keep the good attitude and keep moving forward. You regained so much power by your actions. Well done. Keep moving forward though! Don't look back now!

Start those businesses, keep working out, and get that golf handicap down as low as possible.

I want to hear about single figures this time next year!

[s_cianci]

You did the right thing. Evidently her calling you got you to thinking about her again. Let it pass. The next time she calls, don't answer right away. Call her back later when it's convenient for you, if you decide to call her back at all. You want to keep the power here ; you don't want to surrender any of it to her. By letting yourself get upset after talking to her that's what you're doing ; giving your power away. Continue living your life just like you've been doing.

[chuff]

I agree with Presleygall has to say a lot. I've seen this in women in their 40' do this - they reach 40 and realize they NEVER had their wild girl stage - divorce and go nuts.

First thanks for your first response to my question. When and if I get into another relationship I'm going to be on here all the time asking for a walkthrough. How I've managed to have relationships in the past I don't know, but I see why they've failed.

Second, your right many woman do have their wild stage in later life and I've always noticed it's the ladies who have always gone from one boyfriend to the next because they were afraid to be alone.

Third, Cguy Thank you for posting a follow up, and a successful one at that. You read all these original posts and then the person seeking help nevr returns. It always makes me wonder what happened or if they didn't like the truth that the other posters gave them. Follow ups help the rest of us see the through the end and let us know that the advice worked. Cguy, best of luck in the future.

[Wildcat21]

Or - like in my case with a gal - she was in a 6 year relationship from 20to 26 - then married immediately after to a man she never really loved for 15 years - just had to get married - SEEMED like a good guy - maybe fall in love later - all her friends were married. And now - in her 40's - going through her wild girl stage. Doing stuff she never did in her early 20's.

[cguy]

@talaniman - Thanks for the words of encouragement. When you say, "Stay on course", what course would that be exactly?

@Wildcat21 - You said people want what they can't have, and that's why she was interested again. The problem is, she has since lost that interest without me giving her what she wanted. How do I get that interest back?

@Presleygall85 - I kind of said what you said in my first post about her wanting to do her own thing. I would like to eventually get back together with her, but like I said before, I told her not to come back already once because I knew she wasn't ready. I want her to complete the experience she is having, so it will not come back to haunt us in the future.

@Skell - Thanks for the words of encouragement as well. My life is really taking a turn for the better. I will do my best to become the next Tiger Woods (lol). You say I'd make "a great catch for some top girl", but the problem is where to meet these girls. Clubs, Bars and Parties are not where I want to meet girls. I have been there, and most of those girls are not looking for anything more than a 'night' if you know what I mean. The funny thing is most girls I would say are looking for the long term thing, but now that I'm available (I guess you could say), I don't know where they're hiding. :p But yeah, I'd prefer I get my old one back, but need to know how to get her wanting again.

@s_cianci - Thanks for the advice. I did let it pass. I stopped calling her for about a week, although I had to call her earlier today to get some information from her (it was important, I needed it that day, and there was no other way to get it). I kept the conversation short though and didn't say anything I didn't have to.

@chuff - Thanks for the appreciation... funny I didn't realize there was anything on here I would be thanked for yet. Hehe - Just goes to show there are still some genuinely good people still out there, 90% of them probably being on this board. :D

Thanks all for the feedback. I really do appreciate all the opinions. I would love to hear more, especially about suggestions on other things I might be able to do to pass the time, how I can get her interested again like last time, etc. I do not want to get her interested to take her back, this just went much smoother when I finally had the upper-hand.

Anyway, please do keep the opinions and suggestions coming. I read every one, and all suggestions, big or small, help tremendously.

Thanks again!

[Wildcat21]

"@Wildcat21 - You said people want what they can't have, and thats why she was interested again. The problem is, she has since lost that interest without me giving her what she wanted. How do I get that interest back?"

Work on yourself - be busy - WORKOUT!! WORKOUT!! - be aloof - be mysterious - don't go running to answer her calls right away - don't return them right away - don't return e-mails right away. BE UNPREDICTABLE - don't be boring. Smile, be a great guy. Plands things a head. Be interesting - do fun hobbies.

Be busy - don't call her for a while.