[raging red]

I dated this girl for about 8 months. She was away at college when we started dating, she goes to school about 40 mins from where I live. The relationship was great, we did everything together and had a loving relationship. When she went back to school after summer things seemed to change. She didn't talk to me as much, she had more work than before and she wanted to socialize more at school because she hadn't really experienced college. After a rocky point in our relationship she told me things weren't working and she wanted a break. When I asked her why she came to this she said she just needed some space and was really confused right now. It's been 5 weeks and we still communicate every day and occasionally hang out. She says she doesn't see us getting back together because of her own personal issues with relationships. I can't let her go and I still love her. She says she still loves me and that's why she wants us to remain friends. What should I do? Should I leave her alone and hope she comes back or keep being her "friend" as I've been trying to do?

Give it time then it will be the right time

[kctiger]

You are right, you could have another go at it down the line, but now isn't the time to worry about it. Stuff like that usually only happens when you AREN'T looking for it to happen. Just move on with your life, and let the rest takes care of itself. You, however, are almost expecting it to happen and are trying to "will" it to happen, in which case, it usually won't. I just want you to protect yourself, that's all.

[talaniman]

I know I'm setting myself up for more hurt but I don't know what else to do.

When you don't know what to do, give it some more thought.

[lazzyboyy313]

You, however, are almost expecting it to happen and are trying to "will" it to happen, in which case, it usually won't.

Yeah I think I am. I've imagined that if we don't talk at all for the next semester of college I'd be the first one to call her over summer to meet up or something and catch up. Looking back at how things have gone it's been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. When the breakup was fresh I had looked to this time as wondered if we would already be back together. We obviously aren't and are in the same situation we started in. I've been doing a lot of the wrong things during this break and I'm learning to not care as much. I would constantly worry about what she was doing when she told me she was at parties and it would keep me up forever. Last week she refrained from telling me she was going to go to a party because she knew I'd worry about it. I need to get to the point where I don't care what she does. So what if she goes out and drinks, so what if she gets with someone else, so what if I never get to love her again. All of these are things that I feared in the relationship and they caused me to be needy and overprotective of her at times, which probably caused the breakup. Do I want her to be with me? Hell yeah I do, but I can't make her be with me, only she holds the power to be with me. Slowly, I'm getting to this point and I know a lot of these scenarios are going to play out this winter break. I just need to sit back and enjoy my own life while she enjoys hers. PERIOD.

[lazzyboyy313]

Been a little bit of time since I posted on here. Can't say I'm doing very well at NC. I've stuck with not initiating contact with her and that's been fine. She called me a couple times in the past week and we've had very basic conversations about how things are going and how our break is, nothing great really. Well after one of these convos where I said I went to the movies she texted me later on asking if I had done anything with anyone since our breakup. This is the first time she's asked me this question and she said she wanted to know because she thought I might have gone to the movies with a girl. I told her I haven't and that was that. My question is if she was the one that broke up with me why does she care if I'm hanging out with another girl or trying to actually move on. Am I reading into things too much again?

[talaniman]

Am I reading into things too much again?

No, but you are letting her plant doubts, false hope, and confusion into your mind. You let her contact you, and continue to rehash this thing again, and again, and you will never heal that way, nor will you make any progress. Have you resolved anything at all?

Your way to available to not be in a relationship don't you think? Bet she still needs her space doesn't she. Give it to her, as I think she is keeping you in the friend zone, until her interests are on something else.

[lazzyboyy313]

Have you resolved anything at all??

Your way to available to not be in a relationship don't you think? Bet she still needs her space doesn't she.

I haven't really talked to her about the whole situation since the breakup really or when I have I get mixed signals from her that didn't do me any good at all but lead me on and drag my emotions through a blender Any time I want to she gets all defensive and says we've talked about it over and over. Although I know we're broken up, she called it a break and said to just go with it and see where it goes. It's been 2 month and I think for my own good I need to hear her say it's over and there is no getting back together. I'll admit I take any action from her toward me as her maybe showing some interest again or not wanting me to be away. I know I need to just tell her it's all or nothing. Either we cut all contact or we try and work out the problems that caused this in the first place. She's had her time and I've given her her space. I'm afraid of the answer I think she'll give me but I need to do it for my own sake because I've continually held on to the hope that she'd want to reconsider things and try to work out a relationship that we both want.

[talaniman]

Okay, I understand, since you can't take subtle hints, and need the pie in the face, go for it.

[magikman]

.... I get mixed signals from her that didn't do me any good at all but lead me on and drag my emotions through a blender ....

Lazzy -

My latest breakup was a week ago and it was fairly cordial, as far as breakups go. But she's already emailed me and put me into the lets-be-friends-zone. It's the kiss of death for the romantic part of the relationship. I've maintained NO CONTACT, and it's hell, cause this is a person I cared about deeply. However, you know what? I care about MYSELF more!

I've been in your shoes dude - I think EVERYONE has at some point. I once tried to reason with my feelings and tell myself "hey... I can be casual with this.. if she wants friends, I can do that..." Uh-Huh. She heals and moves on, while you yearn for something that's no longer there.

Goodbyes are difficult. Goodbyes hurt. We've all been through the emotional blender, and it's not fun.. Save yourself the agony and give her space. Hope you figure things out man!

[magikman]

BTW - Have you looked at Tal's tagline "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs"?

I love that line, and it's true - life's too damn short to waste it with people who can't or won't give back.

[lazzyboyy313]

BTW - Have you looked at Tal's tagline "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs" ??k.

Yeah I read it the first time I saw it. It's definitely pertinent to my situation and I can say she's not a priority in my life. I hang out with my friends and let her be. I don't butt into her life anymore or ask to hang out. If she wants to do that she can be the one to call me and hang out, otherwise it's nothing. I know I can't be cordial and casual anymore. It's terrible every time I see her. I know my chances are slim to none and 99% sure I'll be like the rest of relationships but I've seen couples go on breaks and get back together, on 4 occasions with just my group of friends. This has instilled the mindset that it's possible for this to work again. I thank everyone for the advice and I have taken some of it to heart. I've seen my friends way more recently and I really like that.

[kctiger]

I'll be like the rest of relationships but I've seen couples go on breaks and get back together, on 4 occasions with just my group of friends. This has instilled the mindset that it's possible for this to work again. I thank everyone for the advice and I have taken some of it to heart. I've seen my friends way more recently and I really like that.

About the breaking up and getting back together thing...

I broke up with my ex last year, only to get back together about a month or so later. It was absolute paradise for ummm... like a month, then for the next 9 months the same problems reared their ugly heads, and it became evident we just weren't meant for each other... thus the break up in August.

Whenever couples reconcile and get back together, it rarely works, especially if nothing has changed. Sure, it is cool for awhile, as you over glorify every single facet of your partner, but after some time, you both realize that it just isn't going to work out, and you are only prolonging the inevitable, making it more painful in the end.

In my opinion, the ONLY way couples can get back together once they break up (and have a legitimate shot at making it work), is by taking a LONG break, I mean at least a year or so, where they live their own lives and actually see what it is that makes them happy. A profound change in both persons has to occur, otherwise the same problems pop back up. I am not saying that I think this will happen to me, or to you, but this is why it is best to live your life, and let good things happen to you. You just never know what life will throw at you, and the happier you are with yourself, the more prepared you will be to reap the rewards in the end! Good luck!

[Sweet_Guy23]

I've been through a similar experience... her needing space , etc... her being confused... and all... I gave her space...

All of that just for me to end up feeling used and taken advantage of...

There are too many nice, beautiful woman out there for you to be so hung up over someone that is not in love with you.

Because just like you my ex had qualities that I knew could work in a serious longterm relationship...

And the sad thing is that you are so blinded right now... but you will see the light in due time...

[lazzyboyy313]

Going off what you said KC, I agree that each person has to change or else yes the same ugly problems usually do come back up. This is going to sound like I'm making excuses but I really do think we spent too much time together and everything sort of got stale. I couldn't accept that she needed a day or so to do something else other than be with me and I was self conscious of what she'd be doing at college parties even though she had never done anything to really lose my trust. Those were my problems in the relationship I believe I can change that and need to change that because that's ruined other relationships I've had too. She had her problems as well and I don't really know if she's willing to fix them or work on them. Either way I know I'm being repetitive but I've seen couples get back together and make it work. For the last couple of weeks I've been living my life and not really worrying about what she's doing, she is ,however, on my mind 24/7 but I think that's just the person I am which no one on here would know anyway. I've come to understand that I can't coax her back into a relationship that she has to be the one to want to be with me and other than that I'm basically helpless.

[talaniman]

However, on my mind 24/7 but I think that's just the person I am which no one on here would know anyway.

We may not know you personally, but you can bet the situation, and the feelings, are very well known to us all.

[LifeChangesMan]

Hey,

I just want to say that, I personally believe that Breaks in a relationship are vital in younger people anywhere from 17 - 23ish area because realistically you don't know what else is out there yet for yourself and you need to experience other people and everything before you truly settle down, does it suck? Yeah, but in the long run it's sure worth it. I feel the older you are you should be in the experienced level already and know what you want and what your looking for and not kid yourself about who and what makes you happy, and once you break up with someone at that age, you know it's over for a reason, and you stick to it.

If my ex didn't break up with me, there's no way I would've learned all the things I've learned or be the person I am today, these things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Love's comical.

I also feel like if you were to get back with the ex, it should almost be a fresh start, not rushed into, basically honestly starting over, dinner, talking, go home right after not go to one another's houses, take it very slow, and creep back into it, I think that's a very important part of the reconcile as well, I see so many people just call me or text what not, hey I'm back with so-and-so and I'm just like I think that's a little fast and they are like who cares, I'm happy and then down the road the same BS happens.

Just my opinion, but what do I know?

Yours Truly,
LCM

[expat2009]

Hey,

I just want to say that, I personally believe that Breaks in a relationship are vital in younger people anywhere from 17 - 23ish area because realistically you don't know what else is out there yet for yourself and you need to experience other people and everything before you truly settle down, does it suck? yeah, but in the long run it's sure worth it. I feel the older you are you should be in the experienced level already and know what you want and what your looking for and not kid yourself about who and what makes you happy, and once you break up with someone at that age, you know it's over for a reason, and you stick to it.

If my ex didn't break up with me, there's no way i would've learned all the things I've learned or be the person I am today, these things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Love's comical.

I also feel like if you were to get back with the ex, it should almost be a fresh start, not rushed into, basically honestly starting over, dinner, talking, go home right after not go to one another's houses, take it very slow, and creep back into it, i think that's a very important part of the reconcile as well, i see so many people just call me or text what not, hey I'm back with so-and-so and I'm just like I think that's a little fast and they are like who cares, I'm happy and then down the road the same BS happens.

Just my opinion, but what do i know?

Yours Truly,
LCM

LCM I think you are right overall. My ex was stuck in that 17-23 interval with minimal life experience, I'm 26, and have lived much more than her. Add to that some insecurities, a little bit of confusion, some lack of communication, a pinch of smothering, and a dash of work-related stress -- n you got yourself a recipe for a "break".

I've learned more in the past three weeks about myself and relationships than probably over the course of my 2yr r'ship! If she were to come back to me (as much as I want them to, my hopes haven't died out completely) we would first have to have a looong talk about what we have learned and start to put it into practice... from there we would have to start very slowly, almost as if we started dating, earn the trust again, the friendship, and so on... but yea if the pain of the "break" is still there, than it's unlikely to work.

It's all about fighting the causes that lead to the break individually, and then IF you were to get back together, it just might work... My parents broke up after a 4yr relationship, 4 yrs later, they met again and married after a year. After 20yrs they divorced, but that's another story.

Best not to think of this though... hopes are better kept to a minimum or better yet -- nonexistent.

[expat2009]

going off what you said KC, I agree that each person has to change or else yes the same ugly problems usually do come back up. This is going to sound like I'm making excuses but I really do think we spent too much time together and everything sort of got stale. I couldn't accept that she needed a day or so to do something else other than be with me and I was self conscious of what she'd be doing at college parties even though she had never done anything to really lose my trust. Those were my problems in the relationship I believe I can change that and need to change that because that's ruined other relationships I've had too. She had her problems as well and I don't really know if she's willing to fix them or work on them. Either way I know I'm being repetitive but I've seen couples get back together and make it work. For the last couple of weeks I've been living my life and not really worrying about what she's doing, she is ,however, on my mind 24/7 but I think that's just the person I am which no one on here would know anyway. I've come to understand that I can't coax her back into a relationship that she has to be the one to want to be with me and other than that I'm basically helpless.

This is exactly what I DID. And It only hit me after a few days of braking up... I called her up after 5 days and explained to her that I realised all of this things had caused the break and I would work on them---she agreed and asked for time/space. It was probably too late though. The love had already been severely weakened and may never come back.

We ARE helpless to get them back, but not helpless to fix what WE did to affect the relationship. It will help us get better and not make the same mistakes with our next love.

[kctiger]

The only thing that matters after a break up is how we handle it, and how WE use it to make ourselves better. Too often I have seen the other person (my ex, for example), jump into another relationship directly after a break up, without even taking the time to find out what makes them happy. Being single for awhile is a must after a long and emotional relationship. It gives us a chance to work on ourselves, and make us a more valuable person overall.

[lazzyboyy313]

I know what I did wrong in the relationship but I also know she caused a lot of this to happen as well. She wanted me around her a lot of the time and then when she decided she wanted to hang with friends I took it the wrong way and get upset. She told in the beginning of our relationship that her ex took her away from her friends and she let it happen but that she'd never let anyone do that to her again. I didn't act anything like what she told me he did but I think I got her thinking about it and instead of trying to fix it or talk to me she felt we needed to break up so she didn't have to feel guilty about spending less time with me and more with her friends.

I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster but I really only have myself and my hopes to blame for that. It's slowly starting to sink in that this girl doesn't care about me anymore and she only calls me on occasion because she's either bored and not with her friends or because she wants to make sure I still care about her, which might be evident from me always answering and talking to her for 20-30 minutes. I'm still the kind of person that needs to hear things for it to fully sink in so eventually I'm going to grow the balls to actually go to her and sit down and talk to her about everything and hopefully leave it at that. I wish I could just erase her from my head but I can't and it makes the whole things that much worse. UGH!