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Deicyde · Dec 2, 2008, 05:30 PM

Hi everyone, I have been reading the articles here for awhile now.

Here is a little background info

My ex girlfriend and I have been living together for about 5 years and just broke up 2 days ago. Our relationship has been very rocky for awhile and we tried to rescue it including seeking therapy. Nothing seems to have worked and we both believe that it is in our best interest to end things and hopefully be friends. I love her very much and would continue to try and work on things but it appears that we are just incompatible in this regard. I am very sad as can be expected but understand that this is what needs to happen.

All of my friends are my ex's friends as well, and she has known them all longer then I have. We both agree that we do not want our friends to feel awkward regarding this and have told them that we are friends and would like for things to be treated somewhat the same and to let us sort out the details. I feel that I am not only losing a girlfriend but my social circle as well. As there as already been a Christmas get together invite given out to people which she has been invited and I have not.

I guess I am just rambling as I do not have anyone to talk to about this and am looking for any advice and kind words folks might have.

Thanks in advance

kctiger · Dec 2, 2008, 05:34 PM

It seems like you are pretty level headed about this. Sometimes, things just don't work out. First thing is to learn to accept that, which it seems you have. I can tell you it doesn't make things any easier by living together, or remaining friends with her. That is going to be EXTREMELY hard, if not impossible to do if you want to be able to move on with your life. I feel for you and know it hurts. Good luck to you!

busterite · Dec 2, 2008, 06:22 PM

I understand what you are going through man. We grew up in the same social circle and now I find myself excluded from parties organised by people that Ive known more than 10 years. Its ed up and it really hurts but I decided to open my social circle and make new friends. I hang out a lot with new friends and have a great time. I know that someday when things calm down I might be able to hang out with my old friends but for now its impossible. See in my case she is the one that cheated and left me for someone else but she hasn't told this to anyone, she has even spread rumours about me to people I know. I have decided to stay away from it all. So I suggest you get out there and meet new people, you never know what's waiting for you around the corner.

JohnD212 · Dec 2, 2008, 10:31 PM

No contact is the only thing you can do right now. I had a 6 year relationship end a little while ago and it can be very hard to see clearly for a while. This is a good time to get things done in your life that you put off or neglected. Try to avoid your ex at all costs. This isn't being mean to them... its being good to you.

Good luck!

Deicyde · Dec 3, 2008, 05:19 AM

Thanks for the kind words

My head seems so messed up right now. At times I feel good about the situation and know it's the right thing at other times I burst into tears. I suppose it does not help that we are still living together and I am trying to get my things packed up to leave but it seems I am so overloaded with work that I am finding it very difficult to find the time.

I know I should do the no contact and avoid her but she is one of the nicest people I have met in my life and I don't want to give up having that in my life.

I am so confused on how I should feel. I am just a mess I guess

talaniman · Dec 3, 2008, 06:46 AM

Be patient with yourself, as it will take time, but your work is cut out for you, as you have to rebuild a life that you enjoy without her. See this as an oppurtunity, to get better. It will!

Deicyde · Dec 4, 2008, 02:35 PM

I spoke to her the other day regarding no contact for awhile so that we both will have time to heal and move forward. She wants to still remain in contact and for me to come over and visit the pets from time to time. She is worried that if we do the no contact thing that time will pass and it will become awkward for us to be friends. She appears very sad at the mention of us not communicating anymore and drifting completely out of each others life. But she is willing to do whatever I think is best in regards to this.

I am really torn because I know I have to go no contact to be able to move on but don't want to lose her out of my life completely either.

Any suggestions or advice on how to obtain the friendship and move forward as well?

kctiger · Dec 4, 2008, 02:37 PM

Friendship can come later on down the road. Right now, it just isn't an option. Do what is best for you, and for now that means absolutely NO CONTACT. If she can't handle it, then that is her problem.

Deicyde · Dec 5, 2008, 02:53 PM

Update:

So I will be moving out tomorrow. Deep down a part of me wishes that she would ask me not to leave. Which I know with out a doubt will not happen. I am not really sure what my final words to her should be or what type of emotion I should show. When I walk out the door for the last time should I hug her and tell her goodbye and leave it at that ? Should I hold back any tears that might want to surface ? To me I believe this to be our final interaction between each other on the other hand I feel as if she may think that we will be in contact. I don't really know how to leave the situation as I would like to be friends down the road with her when I have healed and truly moved on.

kctiger · Dec 5, 2008, 02:57 PM

Just give her a friendly hug and be first class with everything. DO NOT show emotions to her. Now isn't the time. Walk out like a gentlemen. You want this to be special. You don't want her lasting memory of you to be someone crying his eyes out.

TrueFaith · Dec 5, 2008, 03:35 PM

Hey there.

Ohhh it is hard isn't it. Even more so after 5 years. As no matter how much we try. Our lives become a part of there's. And all our friends intertwine..

Sad fact. But you sound like you have a very level head. And so does she.

You just have to focus on yourself and get things that are important for you.

I wish you all the best

Deicyde · Dec 7, 2008, 12:32 PM

Update:

So I have moved out now.

Before I gave her the keys and left we had a discussion about why we were not able to work through our issues. Anyway this discussion led to us discussing being friends, and no contact. I showed no emotion except for kindness and understanding, she broke down crying when I said that I have mixed emotions regarding friendship at the moment, but let her know that later down the road once we have both moved on I would like to be friends. I don't know why and can't understand why but she told me that she plans on being single for a long time and that if she is out with her friends and someone makes a pass she will be telling them she is not interested. Why would she tell me this ?

I think I may have made a mistake in this conversation because after she told me she would be single for awhile I mentioned that I think the break up is a mistake and that I would have been willing to continue working on things (I did not want to give up in the first place which she already knew, just it appears to be the right thing to do for her to be happy, and myself) So I did not want to close any doors and told her that after time passes if she would like to give it another shot I would not be opposed to the idea. Was this a mistake to say ? I made it clear to her that I would be moving on with my life and not waiting around for her. We continued to discuss friendship etc... and decided to leave it at "we will take it day by day".

So we had some dinner together which she prepared the night before for us. Talked like normal about everyday stuff. I gave her the keys, hugged and said goodbye.

Sorry for the long winded post?

What do you guys think OK conversation or did I leave myself open

Thanks

talaniman · Dec 7, 2008, 03:31 PM

Since the conversation is over, your free to live your own life,

JohnD212 · Dec 7, 2008, 03:45 PM

I think she told you about not dating others because she wants to make sure you don't. It's a little of a game and really not fair to tell you that. Trust me... if either of you go out and someone is interested in you... you're not going to pass it up. Don't worry about telling her that you think it's a mistake.. she probably already knows you think that... so let it go. Get back to No Contact and move on. If she inquires rather you've met anyone etc... tell her nothing and maintain NC. You sound like you handled it good.. but you also sound like you're still in the process of getting over it... so don't let yourself slip back and be tricked.

Good Luck!

Deicyde · Dec 9, 2008, 07:43 AM

So it has been about 3 days since I have moved and she phoned last night (I did not answer) she left a message saying "Hey it's me and I am just calling to say hi and see how you are doing. Um if you want to talk at all or whatever. If you want to give me a call I should be home all night tonight. Ok bye"

I feel like a jerk for not answering or returning her call. I guess deep down I hope we will get through this and get back together. Even though I am 95 percent sure that will never happen. I am pretty sure that was her attempt to keep the friendship line open. I daunt she will call again.

I find the mornings to be the worst. Anybody else feel that way?

Sorry for the long winded post of rambling but this is the only place I currently have to discuss this.

Thanks for reading!

kctiger · Dec 9, 2008, 07:45 AM

Mornings and the night are the worst, usually because it is at that point we feel most alone and have too much time to think. Keep up the NC and be strong. You should have just deleted her messege, as all it did was make you think. Kind of hard to sleep when you listen to that and then your mind starts playing games with you.

Irishgirl · Dec 9, 2008, 07:54 AM

Hi - Mornings are the worst,when you wake up and forget what happened then suddenly you remember and its like a kick in the teeth all over again. Your very vunerable at the moment and if you did get back together resentment would soon be felt on both sides. One morning you'll wake up and it won't hurt as much.

busterite · Dec 9, 2008, 09:18 AM

I feel like a jerk for not answering or returning her call.

The reason you feel like a jerk is because you are a nice guy and somehow you feel that you are hurting her by not answering. The truth of the matter is that this is the best way of protecting yourself. She has made a decision and you are being first class by respecting that and you should be proud of that. She should be the one feeling bad for contacting you and not the other way around. Don't get fooled by her texts or messages or any other contact because I assure you that more of that will come. Ive had to deal with that kind of crap for almost 5 months now and to be honest it has reached the point where it doesn't hurt me anymore, it just annoys me.

The mornings and the evenings are usually the worst because it's the time of the day when you have time to think. Going to the gym or exercising at the end of the day will get you tired and help you sleep without having to sit and think about it much. This will fade away with time as long as you stay focused and maintain NC. It was a brave move to ignore her message, that many people would find hard to do. Now you just need to keep this up as hard as it may be. If you feel like contacting her just come here and vent and people will remind you why you should maintain NC.

Deicyde · Dec 11, 2008, 08:56 PM

Update:

So any way I had to contact my ex in regards to getting some items I forgot at the house. It was suppose to be a quick conversation but turned into an hour long conversation. She was asking questions as to why I did not phone her back etc.. Asking if I was trying to pick up a girl and seemed very mad. Until I asked her why it would matter if I was or not. She said she is very lonely coming home to an empty house and she has lots of things planned to do to keep herself busy or she sits at home and drinks. She also stated that she is very sad and having a hard time with this. I ended up making myself vulnerable by telling her that 95 percent of me knows we will never be together again but 5 percent has some kind of off hope. You see I had major trust issues and was trying to work through them but she was not able to get past the damage that I caused. I told her I would have done anything for her and that I was still willing to work things out before we broke but now I am moving on and for the most part doing all right. She asked about being friends and I told her that until I have healed friendship would be impossible for me. She broke down crying and got very short and cold anyway plenty of other things were talked about regarding this and I will be going over next Saturday to get my things. She told me to call her when I am ready to be friends. She is very upset at this and I feel terrable for making her feel this way. I know I did the wrong thing regarding making myself vulnerable. But did I do the right thing about being friends? I did not want to lead her on about it.

Thanks for reading and any comments on the above would be appreciated

Back to no cantact until next Saturday

kctiger · Dec 12, 2008, 06:46 AM

Yes, you did the right thing. Quit thinking of her feelings right now, as hard as that may be. I know you care for her, but she isn't your responsibility anymore. You have an obligation to protect yourself and none towards her. Friendship isn't even a possibility right now, and you know that, so good for you. It may never be a possibility, in all honesty. Put yourself first, and by all means, you do not need to open yourself up to being vulnerable again. DO NOT express your feelings to her, it isn't the right time to do such a thing. If you talk to her, be calm, collected and quick, not rude, but to the point. Good luck!