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hopeful95 · Nov 30, 2008, 08:38 PM

I while ago I met this guy and we dated for a few month until he left now four years later I still find myself missing him and wanting him . There is not a day that go by that I dosen't go by that I don't ask myself what if I would have left with him . Everything I stayed for I lost now and now the only thing keeping me here is that I am in another relationship. I have been in this relation for 3 years know but I don't see it going anywhere . I want get in engaged for a year be married for a year before having kids, I am not getting any younger , I want my parents to be around for my kids since I never had my grandparents , but I don't see it going that way. His two years old then me in 3 years he will be hitting 30 and I don't him growing with me . Now the other guy is in another state but some how his still has always been in the picture and I have the chance of still leaving , going to go be with him , but what should I do? Stay with the one I am know and see what going to happen or pick up and go somewhere where I don't know no one and start all over with the person that has always some how been in my heart. Mind you I love both of them in different way and have my dislike of both in different ways. The one I am with has a job no kids but selfish and not understanding the other one has 2 kids no job at the time got laid off and want to come and see me yet I would have to pay his ticket. I don't want a selfish on understanding me mad, yet I don't want a god digger either... What do I do? Stuck with out being able to make up my mind of witch to pick .

NorthernNiceGuy · Nov 30, 2008, 09:09 PM

Well regardless of what you will do about the other guy I think you should tell your current partner your true feelings. Like you he is not getting any younger and deserves to be with someone who see a future with him. How you can think staying with him as a back is fair to him is beyond me.

Whether you decide to pursue the other guy is really up to you, but dragging this other guy along for the ride is not fair. You said it yourself, "you don't see it going anywhere".

Further more, using the logic that you are getting too old or want your parents around for your kids are not good reasons to settle for someone, because eventually the relationship will fall apart if that's all its based on.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 30, 2008, 09:16 PM

And as a man who had a child in his late 40's, you are too caught up in a plan, not in love. You need to back off from all of them, find a way to be happy with yourself.

thadevilsadvocate · Nov 30, 2008, 11:45 PM

You need to be honest with the guy that you are currently dating. You obviously aren't in love with him, and you are basically using him and emotionally cheating on him. In addition, I don't think that you need to be with the other guy either. You sound like you need to take some time and find the meaning of love before you pursue another relationship. Perhaps you are only thinking of the other guy because you aren't happy with where you are now? I think you are in too much of a rush and you need to stop thinking like that.

starbuck8 · Dec 1, 2008, 12:36 AM

I think you should back off from both guys period! What in the world are you teaching your future children here? That you don't respect or even truly love their father? You aren't being truthful with either of these men, and you are wasting the time of both of these men. Using your parents as an excuse, is just that, an excuse to justify your behaviour.

You are being very selfish, and are using both of these men for your own selfish needs, without considering their feelings. That is not love at all! Love is NOT selfish!

You have been thinking about a guy that you dated for a couple of months, four years later? That sounds more like obsession. Just the fact that you are contemplating leaving a man that has a job with no kids, and could support them, to move to a different state to be with a guy who you hardly know, that has two kids, no job, and probably isn't paying child support, and you will likely pay for your dates and possibly more. There isn't any gold to dig! Just the fact that he would let YOU pay for a plane ticket to come and see you while you are in a relationship with another man, should tell you loads about his character.

Leave both men alone. Get out and get a good education, so you can find a good job to support yourself, and any children you may (and probably will) have. In the meantime, learn to love yourself first, or you will never be able to truly love any man. Make sure you don't waste years of another mans life by putting them in this situation. It's not fair at all!

talaniman · Dec 1, 2008, 12:37 PM

My gosh lady, your putting the cart before the horse aren't you? You have to have someone who your happy with, who wants what you want, before you think about marriage. Not just get someone to marry.

You are in this confusion because neither of these guys is husband material for you, and really you are wasting time with them both.

Your in it for the wrong reasons, and that's not good, nor is it healthy, or honest.

Leave them both alone, as your not ready for any relationship. Not a sharing and caring one any way.

Not to mention your plan, and timetable, are unrealistic. Your reasons for marriage, are ridiculous.

ZoeMarie · Dec 1, 2008, 12:46 PM

I agree with everyone here. On top of what everyone else has said, what are you talking to your ex for while you're with this guy? That's not fair. And maybe if you had gotten over him before you got into another relationship you wouldn't be in this situation. If you need to compare two men to try to determine which one you should be with, I would think the answer would be neither. Take some time for you, figure things out for yourself.

Guidostern · Dec 1, 2008, 01:00 PM

First of all, you need to worry about the relationship that you're in first. Any SOLID relationship is built on honesty and trust. If you can't build that trust with someone then the relationship is doomed from the start.

Secondly, make sure you don't just settle for someone. Those who settle just settle for someone end up regretting it later. Your goals should be geared towards making your life what you want it to be... at this point, I wouldn't be thinking of kids or marriage at all.

Just stay true to your current parter. If you can't be honest with him, then how are you going to be honest with the other one, or maybe the one you haven't met yet?