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JohnD212 · Nov 30, 2008, 05:00 PM

I have started the no contact about 9 days ago. All was going OK. Sad and down but at least there aren't any new pains. I was in the shower tonight and suddenly I think to myself.. I'll just go online and see if my ex is there. No big deal right? So I had a great shower cause I figured I could go online and not make any real effort but my ex would definitely speak to me. I could just give short answers. Then I thought to myself... why? My ex is moving to Florida in about 1 month to live for 3 months (I suspect longer). I guess I find it better to deal with the pain now rather then have them move and still be in contact.

Anyone else struggle with no contact? Just feeling a little unsure of myself right now...

kctiger · Nov 30, 2008, 05:18 PM

YES!! I have struggled with it for three months now! I have fallen off and gotten back on the 'no contact' wagon several times, so don't feel bad. I actually met my ex for some coffee on Friday. Stupid mistake, but I will be fine. I know I will. Everyone makes the mistake at least once, or, in my case, several times. Just keep on moving forward and keep your chin up.

JohnD212 · Nov 30, 2008, 05:30 PM

OK... I just find it so difficult to not be able to chat or speak to them. I feel like I'm acting childish in some way. My ex hasn't reached out much (of course I would prefer that so I would feel wanted) but I'm trying to remember that the NC is for me... not to punish them.

Is there ever a time you can have contact? Ever a time or circumstance when it would be OK?

friend4u178 · Nov 30, 2008, 05:35 PM

Originally Posted by JohnD212

Is there ever a time you can have contact? Ever a time or circumstance when it would be ok?

NO NO NO

All that will do is feed you false hope... stay on the NC Highway so you don't go back to square one!!

kctiger · Nov 30, 2008, 05:37 PM

Friend4U is right. I have broken it many times. I am not back at square 1 however, as I have been able to get a level head and get my own life together since we broke up. This last time (Friday) was probably the biggest set back I have had, so I am probably back to square 2 1/2. Do NOT break NC. It is NEVER worth it, believe me. Don't be as stubborn as me.

JohnD212 · Nov 30, 2008, 08:23 PM

Thanks so much... I went online tonight... just couldn't fight the pain.. but thankfully my ex wasn't online... so I sat there on AIM seeing if they came on... and they didn't... so after reading this I signed off. This is awful and painful.

busterite · Nov 30, 2008, 08:39 PM

It might be awful and painful now but it will pay off in the long run believe me. I have pretty much gone NC for 5mths now, she managed to find ways to contact me (by waiting outside my house and even more psychotic ones) but I know that without NC I would not have been in the spot I am right now. So keep it up and whenever you want to break it remind yourself how hard the first few days where. Good luck

thadevilsadvocate · Nov 30, 2008, 11:02 PM

You made a point yourself and you need to write it somewhere or stamp it on your heart and brain. You said that she hasn't reached out much and you are glad that she hasn't because it would make it more difficult. That is exactly how you need to look at it. She hasn't made the effort and therefore neither should you. As far as every contacting her again, maybe sometime down the road when you have both moved on with your lives and you no longer have the emotional attachment.

According to your original post, your ex was down in Florida visiting and wasn't writing you... that just goes to show even more that your ex is doing their own thing, and unfortunately you aren't included in that.

In addition, you talked about how your ex should be there for you in hard times... since you had left your job and so forth. Absolutely they should be there for you, and that is why you need to use this to fuel your NO CONTACT FIRE!

Whenever you think about contacting or responding to your ex, if they happen to attempt to contact you, you must remind yourself of these instances in which they weren't there for you, and in which they aren't really making any effort to contact you. Basically, your ex isn't sitting around thinking about you, so you shouldn't sit around and think of them. Stay no contact and your healing time will get shorter everyday.

JohnD212 · Dec 1, 2008, 01:50 AM

I know its true. Its not easy but I know this is true. 6 years is a long time to basically have someone end it online. I did go online a couple times but thankfully my ex wasn't online so I spared myself any type of pain. Now I just have to avoid it tomorrow.. and the day and the day after that... UGH!

busterite · Dec 1, 2008, 04:04 AM

Just take this one day at a time. Slowly the days will turn into weeks and the weeks into months and you will gradually start to feel the difference. I would suggest you block her or make it so that you are not able to see when she is online. That way you will avoid going through the whole process whenever she is online.

LifeChangesMan · Dec 1, 2008, 09:34 AM

Do NOT break NC please, she'll probably eventually contact you my friend then you can deal with it then.

JohnD212 · Dec 1, 2008, 09:45 AM

After 6 years I know my ex and I'm sure my ex is now angry at me for not having any contact. Of course that reaction is exactly what bothers me the most because I hate making my ex mad or sad through my actions. I guess I was thinking last night if I logged online and my ex saw me... they would say hi and I wasn't doing anything wrong because they spoke to me and not the other way around. I realized this morning that this is just a need to know that my ex is thinking of me but that attention wouldn't bring them back. It would just leave me sad.

busterite · Dec 1, 2008, 10:11 AM

There are no exceptions to NC and it will only work if you cut off any line of communication.
You should not care what her reaction is. You are doing this for your own good and its time to take care of yourself because if you don't no one else will. Sooner or later she will try to contact you but you should just stay focused.

Romefalls19 · Dec 1, 2008, 10:27 AM

That's still breaking NC, NC isn't NC until they contact me. It's NO CONTACT so YOU can heal, not to get the other person upset or angry.

JohnD212 · Dec 1, 2008, 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

That's still breaking NC, NC isn't NC until they contact me. It's NO CONTACT so YOU can heal, not to get the other person upset or angry.

Yah... I tend to get myself caught up in ideas of what my ex is doing and that usually just leads to me thinking I can go online and see if my ex will speak to me. I was honestly very happy they weren't online last night but couldn't help wondering why... guess that's why I should stop and think

JohnD212 · Dec 1, 2008, 07:32 PM

What I worry about right now is that I didn't tell my ex that I'm doing no contact. When my ex went to Florida they knew I was mad... and when they came back I didn't go online to contact them at all. Of course they haven't contacted me... but I can't help but feel bad about not at least telling my ex about this no contact thing...

SimpleguyJoe · Dec 2, 2008, 05:26 AM

That's the WHOLE point of no contact... You don't tell them anything... at all!

No contact is meant for you to give yourself the proper time your mind needs to settle its self enough to think clearly about your relationship and what you can learn and take away from it.

Don't think about what your ex is doing like I said in your other post, it will get you nowhere.

What you need to do is build yourself up enough to just take away all the possible setbacks you could encounter. Delete her AIM/MSN, Myspace, Facebook, phonenumbers, take the pictures and put them in a box and promise yourself to not look at them again until your ready. You can do it if you really try.

busterite · Dec 2, 2008, 05:37 AM

What I worry about right now is that I didn't tell my ex that I'm doing no contact.

You don't owe her any explanation. She will figure it out. Don't get caught in such thoughts. The moment you contact her to tell her about NC it will be like starting from ground zero again. What good can possibly come out of it?

JohnD212 · Dec 2, 2008, 03:07 PM

Originally Posted by busterite

You dont owe her any explanation. She will figure it out. Dont get caught in such thoughts. The moment you contact her to tell her about NC it will be like starting from ground zero again. What good can possibly come out of it?

I know you're right. Boy today was a bad day. Couldn't stop thinking about my ex and just basically went through the motions today. Came home exhausted from thinking about this situation. Still haven't broken the no contact but everyday that my ex doesn't call or doesn't make any efforts makes it harder to keep my end up.

busterite · Dec 2, 2008, 06:12 PM

You should be glad she hasn't contacted you and hope that she doesn't for a very long time. You are going to have bad and good days. At first the bad outweigh the good but as time passes by and the balances are restored the bad become less frequent and less bad and the good become more frequent. Keep your head up even if you have to force yourself to do it. You will get over this and come out stronger and better than ever. Keep that in mind and look forward to the day when all this will be a distant memory