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    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #1

    Nov 30, 2008, 04:37 AM
    Thinking of going 100% no contact
    So, to cut a long story short, my ex and I had been together for almost two years. The 8 months of those were as a long distance relationship... which naturally had its ups and downs. It all came to a head when she couldn't get a professional job where I lived (thru no fault of her own and I accept that decision).

    I now know that that wasn't the only reason... she really didn't move down because she wasn't attracted with me and didn't want to be with me... even if she could hide that behind the façade of not being able to get a job.

    Anyway... we have been broken up for almost months now... and it has sucked. For the first two week we weren't really broken up... still telling each other how much we loved each other, still talking every night, kept our Facebook relationship status the same... but then she hooked up with some other guy (the same guy as I had suspected earlier no doubt) and it all changed...

    Instantly I became that needy horrible guy trying to convince her to come back to me, and show how much she had hurt me. Needless to say it didn't work.

    Anyway... I stopped doing that. She came crawling back to me somewhat but found another guy to make her feel better anyway... she is still seeing this guy although I am not meant to know about it.

    I suspect she is going to tell me about him this week... we always said we would tell each other if we found something serious... which I suspect this guy might me on some level, although I know she is justing using him to ease her break up pain.

    So... I know she is just stringing me along at least to some point... she is keeping me as as back out plan for when it falls through with this guy, she is weaning herself off me...

    So I expect this week she will announce her relationship with this guy to me... and this is my plan:

    When she tells me I will send her an email along these lines:

    Victoria:

    "I respect your decision to be with someone else. In fact, I am happy for you. For some screwed up reason I still consider you to be my best friend... so all I want is you to be happy. I hope this new guy makes you as happy as I made you.

    But... I want you to respect my decision...

    I do NOT want you to email me. I do NOT want to hear from you. I do NOT want you to text me or call me. I do NOT want to see you over Xmas and New Years.

    I know this will be hard for both of us. But it is the way it has to be.

    I am not saying I never want to hear from you again... but I need you to respect my decision to move on from you.

    Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try. This window of opportunity will not be open forever... I am not holding my breath anymore.

    I need to cut you out of my life so I can heal. I am not saying that we do not ever have a future together... maybe we do... but at the same time I have to get along with my life.

    I will give you one chance right now... if you don't believe this is the right way to go, you can respond to this email and let me know how you feel about "us". Otherwise, I am sorry, but this is the way it has to be... "

    What do you think??
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #2

    Nov 30, 2008, 04:46 AM

    I will also add that this means I do NOT want her coming to my brothers wedding... which she has said she would still like to do... in spite of her having a new man (which, again, I am not meant to know about)
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #3

    Nov 30, 2008, 04:49 AM
    OK and maybe I will also mention that we need to go NC so that we can both experience what it will be like not having each other in our lives... or should I let her find that out for herself?
    zeeniee's Avatar
    zeeniee Posts: 341, Reputation: 63
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    #4

    Nov 30, 2008, 04:49 AM

    Best not reply to the email and go NC straight away.
    roogirl's Avatar
    roogirl Posts: 69, Reputation: 18
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    #5

    Nov 30, 2008, 04:55 AM

    Good job. Make sure you mean what you say, and you say what you mean. Be committed to follow through with your words and do exactly what you said you would do. Not only will she respect you more, but it will also empower you, and restore some of yourself esteem and dignity.
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #6

    Nov 30, 2008, 04:59 AM

    That's the thing... its a mostly mutual break up, although its her doing overall. I can't just not reply to her emails... we were meant to go through this amicably and just ignoring her is not the right way to go. I can now see that there is a 95% chance we won't get back together... but I can't ignore that 5% and just cease contact altogehter...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Nov 30, 2008, 07:59 AM
    To be honest, your barking up the wrong tree the wrong way.

    You broke up months ago, and she has been doing her thing, and that's all well, and good.

    Don't play at moving on, by pretending to be friends, when you have been holding on to false hope for a long time, or else you would have accepted the break up, and moved on by now as she has.

    Go NC, and be busy, and unavailable and do your own thing, like you should have been, and forget the feel good drama, of explaining yourself, to yourself, as I doubt she cares what you do.

    Just my opinion, but there is something dishonest, about the tit for tat strategy, your cooking up.
    JohnD212's Avatar
    JohnD212 Posts: 101, Reputation: 8
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    #8

    Nov 30, 2008, 11:34 AM

    Even as a stranger I can see what you're up to with that... sorry but she will know exactly what you're doing... its more manipulation and I suspect its part of what caused your break up in the first place. Just decide to stop playing these games with someone. No Contact is about you.. not her. Its about you healing in a safe environment that is free from the pain the ex can bring to you. Trying to use No Contact this way won't work. Of course a lot of us who try No Contact have in the back of our minds that we want to get our Ex back... that's just honest... but deep down we know it probably won't work that way and you slowly realize that as the days go by without contact... it gets easier.

    I hope you can reflect deeper about this relationship and what you and she did wrong. Let her go and move on. I don't think you mentioned your age but I suspect you're older than a teenagers... so I would suspect you really need to start doing the adult thing. Good luck!
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #9

    Nov 30, 2008, 11:47 AM

    Thanks Talaniman. I see your point. It has been about 2 months since we broke up.

    I am going NC. But she is the one emailing me... baiting me. Saying that she would still love to come to my brothers wedding, if I will have her.

    She's the one who emailed me saying "you are still my best friend and I still think about you every day"

    Do I just simply not respond? I don't want to seem like I am bitter and twisted about all this. She thinks I am doing perfectly well... which in some ways I am. I have learnt some huge lessons about myself, and about what went wrong in our relationship.

    She does care what I do... thats why she is always the one to email me and ask me about my day/week/weekend. Saying that she wants to hang out this (Southern Hemisphere) summer over the new year.

    I can see that its probably unlikely we will get back together again... but to a large degre the reason we broke up is because of the long distance thing. If we had been living in the same city we would have weathered this... although I can now see that eventually we would have had all these issues to go through anyway, so its good it happened now.

    I guess I am preparing for her to drop this bombshell to me that she has a new boyfriend. Its been two months... but its still fresh for both of us and I know she hasn't healed either. Which is why this guy is around.

    So my question is what do I do when she tells me... maybe the whole dramatic email thing is not right. But it would get it said.
    TrueFaith's Avatar
    TrueFaith Posts: 1,202, Reputation: 313
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    #10

    Nov 30, 2008, 12:11 PM

    Hello there :)

    Speaking from a guy that has had a few long distance relationships

    And one that is. In one right away. I must say I can emapthies with what you are going threw.

    It is tough! That's for sure. But you must not blame yourself.

    Yeah when she went with the other guy and you became needy and wanting her back.
    You do know that was PRIDE getting the best of you

    Its like how can she leave ME! For that guy!
    Most of us do that

    But you sound like a very smart man. You understand your mistakes and are willing to make an effort to fix them!
    Which can I say is a breath of fresh air!

    I have spent a few weeks bashing some heads on a wall trying to get them to understand that NO CONTACT

    Is for You. And your time to heal!
    You don't need this women in your life.
    Would you really want someone that with all due respect
    Goes and sleeps around just to make her self feel better?

    You did not break the deal here. She did. So delet her from your life
    Trust me it is the only way to go
    It will suck for the first few weeks

    But in time you will get better and better.
    Not only that.
    It gives you self respect and pride when you cut someone off like that.


    Don't give her any more chances man. Just drop her. You know it is the right thing to do
    I can read it. In what you typ

    Best of luck
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Nov 30, 2008, 12:44 PM
    But she is the one emailing me... baiting me
    You are the one allowing it, and are the one putting her first before yourself. Your strategy is based on fear, and false hope, and you need to just focus on you, and to hell what she is saying.

    How can you get dumped, and still kiss her butt????

    NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #12

    Dec 2, 2008, 04:43 AM

    Ok, so here is an example of what I get sent via email at work:

    Hey Russ,

    How did your weekend go? Sorry I never transferred that money. I completely forgot and then got loose in town on Friday and spent like over $150. So guts. Also, just thought I should let you know that I got a B for my research project…all my results are out now and I have a GPA of 6.8 so I guess that means I get second class first division!

    Went to Kanye last night with Sarah, Richard, Mike, Nick etc. Was awesome :-)

    Oh and I met Susie on Friday night…nice lady. Good fun!

    ... so all those people above are my friends, or my friends girlfriends. This is the kind of email I generally get. It's a difficult one not to respond to .

    Bear in mind that I willl be seeing her over the next few weeks over Xmas and New Years. Also bear in mind that she has a new boyfriend that she has not told me about...

    I think I want to go 100% no contact... but how do I tell her? And should I wait until after Xmas?
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #13

    Dec 2, 2008, 04:55 AM

    I don't want to maniputlate... but how does this short and sweet email sound.

    "Victoria,
    This isn't working for me. I need to heal and I can't do that if we keep on emailing each other. I need this time apart. I hope you understand.

    Russ."
    zeeniee's Avatar
    zeeniee Posts: 341, Reputation: 63
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    #14

    Dec 2, 2008, 05:59 AM

    Hi Empty cans, you know what I won't bother sending that at all, just go NC. V simple. I have thought of doing the same- like a million times a day and I have written god knows how many letters, emails- saying how I never want to her from him again etc... which at the end I email to one of my friends- or I will post it here instead... I was also in a distance relationship, and was about to get married when I accidentally found out here was cheating- We were together for 9 years. So I can understand you feelings, its v hard. I have learnt that the more information you give to your ex- the more they will play. Walk away= e he/she is not playing no more. It is important to do this as this way one can start to think for oneself and in effect start to heal bit by bit. It is not easy- v v hard, as I struggle v much but I am trying v hard to do it as I have to do it for me, even though I miss my ex v much and to this day we have not had a chat about what happened.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Dec 2, 2008, 07:01 AM

    I think I want to go 100% no contact... but how do I tell her? And should I wait until after Xmas?
    Just do it now, busy and unavailable.
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #16

    Dec 2, 2008, 08:56 AM

    Look, I actually liked the idea of sending that first e-mail. If, as you said, you were good friends and the break-up was amicable, I think your ex isn't understanding what this break-up is for you, and that after reading the e-mail she'll leave you alone.

    But after sending the e-mail you need to mean what you wrote. And if she ever tries to get back, be polite and nice, answer, but don't jump back fast. Make her work for it. Although chances are you'll never hear from her again.

    Of course, it could also be that she's playing you. But you are the one who knows her and I think if you are honest with yourself, you'll know what's the deal with her.
    ImTotallyLost's Avatar
    ImTotallyLost Posts: 134, Reputation: 24
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    #17

    Dec 2, 2008, 09:04 AM
    I would rephrase the e-mail, though, removing all the references to her new life or whatever. Just tell her you want her best, that it's over, that you need to move on and that if she hopes to have you as a friend in the future she needs to let you go now.

    Remove the part about "window of opportunity" and that you are not waiting, or that you will give her one last chance. She already knows what's going on.

    This message is not about her. It's about you.
    busterite's Avatar
    busterite Posts: 156, Reputation: 30
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    #18

    Dec 2, 2008, 11:46 AM

    If I were you I would go NC straight away. Don't bother explaining yourself, she won't listen anyway. You know why? Because she is only thinking of herself. The reason she is contacting you is a way of staying in the picture, not letting you take her out of your mind. Im sorry if Im harsh but I've had to deal with this sort of behaviour for 5 months now. I went NC since the 2nd week and never answered any of her calls or emails. Since then I have only once broken NC and that's because she tricked me into it (she was waiting outside my house). I know it is the only way for me to sort my thoughts out and it really worked.
    Empty Cans's Avatar
    Empty Cans Posts: 106, Reputation: 25
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    #19

    Dec 2, 2008, 02:58 PM

    I can't handle this anymore.

    I can't handle this friend bullsh*t which she is feeding me…I am being so screwed over by her. Feeding me all this sh*t whilst she is f**king another guy…sending me emails asking me how I am and stuff, how my weekend was. I wish she just had the courage to tell me that she has met someone new rather than giving me all this false hope.

    I can accept now that we will probably NEVER EVER get back together. And even if we did it would never be the same because I would always know in my heart that she can move on with me and leapfrog into another relationship at the click of her fingers. She has betrayed me. All that "I want to be with you forever" stuff was just crap. If she actually loved me and wanted to be with me then she should would be with me…instead she has hurt me like I never knew I could be hurt.

    I don't think I can be friends with her. Not now. Not while I'm trying to heal and pick up the pieces of my life. The only reason she contacts me is because she feels guilty and wants to let me down slowly so she doesn't feel so bad about her self. And once she's finished letting me down slowly she will walk away and never contact me again.

    I really don't know what to do. I am waiting for her to tell me about this guy…but she doesn't seem to want to. This is in spite of the fact that we said we would tell each other if someone else came along…

    I don't know whether I should see her over Christmas/New Years and just tell her then that this whole friend think just isn't working. The only way I will move on is if I have zero contact with her. That would even mean deleting her as a friend from Facebook. I just don't want it to seem like I am being childish.

    It will undoubtedly be the hardest thing I have ever done…but maybe its what I have to do.

    Maybe I just shouldn't see her. Period. Not reply to her emails. Not reply to her texts or chats. Not answer if she calls me.

    OR do I just ride this out. Things will fizzle out with this guy, that is a given in my eyes. Do I keep letting her bait me with these bullcrap emails asking me how I am and I reply saying I am fine…and being the nice guy and do my best to just move on and keep her on the back burner.

    I guess I just don't want to burn my bridges with her completely…but the hard thing is maybe that is what I have to do.
    JohnD212's Avatar
    JohnD212 Posts: 101, Reputation: 8
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    #20

    Dec 2, 2008, 03:03 PM

    She isn't deserving of your attention. She isn't even worthy of your pain. No contact. Do it... stick to it. Tell her to not contact you anymore. I know its hard. Do you see the pattern? She's using you to feel better about everything while she gets to have fun and feel fine. You on the other hand feel used and hurt.

    I am struggling with no contact right now. I know you've done it before and I think you know what you need to do. Remove yourself from the pain she's bringing to your life. When you're away from that pain... you can then deal with the pain that is coming from inside you... and it'll be easier because she can't hurt you anymore.

    Say good bye to her. Move on. It's hard... its painful but it must be done.

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