[BobbyVandeyar]

I've been on this NC for 4 days.. I thought I might write something. Ive used this site to express feelings and to get feedback. So I figured id write a blind letter to my ex explaining how I feel. You guys can comment if you like.

Dear Ex,

I have been thinking about you constantly these last few days. Its still hard that we are not together anymore. But I learned a lot, and still am even now. The #1 thing is to never forget who you are, and don't let your insecurities get the best of you. For that its pretty much what made me so much of a annoying wreck towards u. Because I didn't learn.

It would always be once a week we would argue for two months. And it was hell. The bad did outweigh the good in our relationship as every time we made up we would still argue. Mostly because of me. I have lied to you. Even though it wasn't big lies, it was a lie nonetheless. I have acted like a fool, and was too clingy towards you. Although we live in different states, the point is I don't need to be ringing up your fone so many times to talk. There is always the next day or even later on. And my mushyness, I know you are not much of a romantic type person. I'm not either. But every time I made a mistake I seem to use my emotions to back me out. The crying the begging the whole oh please don't leave me was getting old, and I didn't learn. And the amount of times that people would tell me to give her space and just relax you have nothing to worry about. I didn't listen. Instead I panic. And started to doubt myself. And even started to think things.

The one thing I regret. Was when I thought you had feelings for our friend. Probably because he was better looking or he made you laugh more at time where I was trying to just be calm. My jealousy has definitely made me not act like myself. And he was even giving me advice. I was a fool. To think a nice guy like him would stoop that low. And for that I apologize.

We had a lot of plans together. Our future to spend the rest of our lives together in marriage. For over a year I know you and describe you as the girl of my dreams. I honestly don't want it to be a dream. I have told you how I felt. And I told you that I don't want to get back together to screw up. But to just do better. Because I know I can. However how long will I wait is definitely a question. To be honest after 4 days I start to feel that everyday without an answer was a waste of my one day to live free. Because I don't know if your thinking about it. Or if you have alreadly move on and found someone else. You told me that you missed the person you fell in love with. And that your not saying we are going to be together. And your also not saying we are not. But you hope that ill get myself together and soon.

I don't need to look. Nor do a search on myself. Because like all of us. We have strengths and we have flaws. Some in which we don't know until it finally hits us on the head or someone lets us know. And that night when you told me that I needed to grow up. Gave me a wake up call. I know who I am. I don't need to change anything for anybody. I have a heart. I know I made mistakes. But I know I can learn from them and be a better person. I believe in myself. Honestly I do hope I hear from you soon. But if not. That's all right. Life goes on. And eventually I will too. But like I said. Whether we do get back together, or not. My heart will always be with you. Because no matter what I love you. You know what I want. If u were not worth it I would not have taken that chance and told you how I felt, instead I would have probably just kept it and try to move on. But there are few people I believe that are worth if I could word it out right, "chasing after" and for that I had to let go. There's a lot more I can say. But ill leave it at that... for now... but always remember I'm thinking about u.

I feel a little better after writing this. Feel free to comment.

Bobby

[talaniman]

Glad you feel better, just don't send it.

[BobbyVandeyar]

Its slowly easing away... pain is still there.. this healing process.. how do you know when your healed? If that makes sense. Its like what if you never get over it. Or what if she does call?

[BobbyVandeyar]

And why is it when I think I'm OK. The whole what if she's doing this or that comes back? Its annoying.

[kctiger]

I know it is hard man. I find myself sometimes worrying about what my ex is doing, especially around the holidays. But you know what, it doesn't matter what she is doing. I remember my friend telling me something that stuck with me for a long time. When I told him I was so afraid of my ex getting another boyfriend, he looked at me dead in my eyes and said, "And so what if she does. What exactly does that mean to you? Are you going to die because of this?" Just think about that for a minute. It doesn't kill you. It may sting a bit, but that doesn't mean you stop living. Her life is not worth yours. Remember that. It no longer matters AT ALL what she does. It has NOTHING to do with your life, so don't let it!

[busterite]

its slowly easing away... pain is still there.. this healing process.. how do you know when your healed? If that makes sense. Its like what if you never get over it. Or what if she does call?

You know you are healed when you don't have to worry about being healed. When you won't care whether she calls or not. When you can go a whole day without thinking of her. And you will get to the point where you will feel like that, as long as you keep pushing forward and stop looking back. I was once told that the hurt from a break up is like a wound, which if treated write will heal with time and all it will leave is a scar that will not hurt anymore but will be there to remind us and prepare us for our future decisions. So do whatever it takes or take as much time as you like to heal.

[DeleteAndBan]

Maybe she left you because she is not a lesbian and you are a huge drama-queen.

[BobbyVandeyar]

So here's my ending to all of this. I talked to her last night. I asked her where do we stand in this? And told her I'm not going to be dissapointed in whatever decision you make. Just be honest. And she told me she wants to be alone and just do her, and focus on more important things. And I told her I respect that. I thanked her for her honesty. And I told her if you need anything I'm just a fone call away. I told her I love her but I think that was a little bit too much to say. But now that I know, I'm not so much as depressed or worried. The no contact I broke yes. But in regards to more pain, it kind of made me more relaxed. I don't have to worry anymore about this. Point is as long as she is happy with whatever she wants to do then I'm cool with it. From this point on I'm just doing me. And today being at school hanging with friends and enjoying class, I feel myself slowly getting better. Yeah I'm still missing her. But not as big as I used to. Honestly I would check myspace everyday to see her status. (yea I'm a bit too obessive) lol but now its like she is living her life, and I got to start living MY life. And I know I'm not fully healed but I know inside that eventually I will be.

I love this site. Shows me a lot about myself. I thought I was sort of an outsider at first here. But turns out I'm not the only one lol