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opal183 · Sep 7, 2004, 10:52 AM

?? hi.. I'm 18 and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We never thought anything serious would come out of our relationship when we first started dating... About a year into our relationship he enlisted to go into the navy, so he's been there for about the past 5 months. After a visit to him 2 months ago, I realize that there is no one else I want.. and it's the same with him... but here's my question... is this just because of the distance that is between us ( 1100 miles) or could we really be in love. He's thinking about asking me to marry him, and I love him and I would, but I just can't see myself getting married this young.. ( well I could until he started talking about it) I love him and I want to be with him, but it really just scares me, because for the first time I feel clueless. I don't want to be a statistic and get divorced.. Another thing is.. I'm 18 yrs old. And I just recently dropped out of college, and while I'm already taking telecourse and plan on enrolling at a local college in January.. I don't think my parents would approve until I finish school. My mom doesn't want me to be like her... ( she would barely make enough to survive by herself) and sometimes she thinks getting married to my step dad was the worst mistake she could have made, because they fight constnatly and now, they are not finacially stable anymore.

I just feel so confused. I love that boy to death.. and I'd never do anything to hurt him, and I think the only way we'd end our relationship is if he cheated on me.. I have no desire not to be w/ him.. but at the same time. I don't want to get married right now.. and I told him maybe in 2 years I'd be ready and he said that he wants to do it sooner, because he's afraid he'll lose me...
I'm so confusedededed??

Just over some advice or feedback! Thanks I appreciate it!

Scorpio848 · Sep 7, 2004, 11:09 AM

Don't do it. You are lucky in that you already know what is best for you BEFORE you make the mistake. You can love him and he can love you, but pushing into something like marriage never ends well. If he truly loves you, then he will wait. As for your mother, she is correct in that you should finish school first. Make yourself dependent on only you, first, before you start depending on another. Financial difficulty is the number 1 reason for divorce. Make a life for yourself first and then decide who you want to share it with. If he is still around waiting and loving, then great. If he is not, then he was not truly the one you were destined to share your wonderful life with. Go with your first gut feeling.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

Scorpio

opal183 · Sep 8, 2004, 08:17 AM

Gut feelings stink.. but I suppose scorpio you are right.. I DO think we will gt married but not until I'm ready for it. And he now doesn't want to get married until he is at least back from his first or second deployment.. the end of his first deployment is about a year away or so. He's really scared that if he's deployed ( 6 months at a time-with little to no contact--that I will just be like oh well, its time to move on.. but I won't.. I'm not that type of person.. I have more respect for him that) so we will see. I asked him yesterday, if all this had just come about because he missed me, and he said yes, but no, he can see us together, and he can see us with kids, a house and a future.

:-[??

BSN22 · Jul 19, 2005, 06:30 PM

Getting married because someone is afraid they will lose you just isn't a good reason. I can appreciate that your boyfriend is so far away and he is probably afraid and alone but you can be there for him without becoming his wife yet.

When my brother was in the marines, he got married young, as did the majority of his marine buddies. Unfortunately, this proved to be a big mistake as they were divorced in less than a year. Recovering from divorce is also quite a challenge particularly when you jump into marriage at such a young age.

At 18, you have so much ahead of you and not that being a wife and mother isn't a wonderful thing, I am one myself. It's just that I got married at 23 and realized after only 3 years that I was too young. I had a child by 24 and was divorced by 28. It took a long time for me to recover and because I started a family so young, I never got to do the things all of my friends got to do; go to college, get an apartment, date, go out with girlfriends, and lots of other things that were restricted because of choices I made. I'm 40 now, and at this point, I would never trade my child for anything but getting here has taken a really long time. It took a lot of years to finally get back into life, remarry, go back to college, etc.

I don't want to be too long winded, I just want you to appreciate your youth. Being 18 is a magical time. So is being 19 and 20 and 21. All of your early and mid twenties can be a wonderful time of freedom and learning who you are as a person. Don't sacrifice that time, you deserve it!!

:)

appolloniBAKER · Apr 4, 2006, 10:39 AM

I married my army husband at 19 shortly after not seeing him for 4 months while I was at basic training. Its 3 1/2 years later and we have 2 kids. He was deployed for both births and is still on his second year long deployment since we married... sounds awful and not much of a marriage, but ill tell you this, I love this man and he loves me and we are happier together then two people should be allowed to be. When all this is over (the army stuff) we will be stronger for it. If you love someone and think you really could spend your life with them I'd say go for it. Otherwise you'll always wonder.

kp2171 · Apr 4, 2006, 11:04 AM

I dated a girl from age 17 to 23. Knew I'd marry her. Didn't. Glad.

My roommate in college married his HS girlfriend once they graduated from college. 3 kids, 12 years married now.

Obviously there is no perfect answer.

I would say PLEASE wait. If you both are truly committed and it is right you can make it.

My cousin was stationed in spain. He met his future wife while on leave in the states. They waited until he was out and she had her nursing degree. Now married 12 years w 2 kids.

In my case, we were going to wait until she was through med school and I was through college. We didn't make it. It was for a reason... we loved each other dearly but what you want and who you are at 25 isn't always the same as what you want at 18.

So... I'd say love him and wait. If he cannot wait then he has a issue with trusting you.

I thank God I didn't get married before I was a little older. I know myself better, I was ready to be married (you said you are not), and I found the right person to be with at the right time.

orange · Apr 4, 2006, 01:51 PM

Hey guys I just wanted to point out that the last post from opal183 (the original asker) is from almost 2 years ago (September 2004)! And she has not been active on the site since November 2004! So either she has married this guy or moved on... it's been a while anyway. I wish the site could be set up in such a way as these old posts don't keep cropping up.

In any event, I agree with what everyone has said here. Opal if you're still around, please listen to your gut instinct. I had 3 very serious boyfriends before meeting my husband. I really loved them, but I'm glad I waited until I was in my mid 20s to get married, and I'm glad I married my husband and not any of them!

kp2171 · Apr 4, 2006, 02:32 PM

Why is it this always happens after I post?

Someone digs up an old thread, I pull it up w a "new post" search, answer, and then somebody always sees the timeline is ancient.

Poo.

orange · Apr 4, 2006, 09:53 PM

Originally Posted by kp2171

poo.

LOL. Well it's not your fault, you just really want to help people, and your answers are great! I just happen to be psychotically aware of the dates on posts. I'm very observant about these stupid little details.

P.S. You really made my 4 year old's evening by writing the word "poo". He's up with a bad ear ache and watching me post some things. He can't read a lot of words yet, but he definitely knows "poo" and insisted that I quote you as well lol. :D

fredg · Apr 5, 2006, 05:02 AM

Hi,
As Orange pointed out, one gets use to (most of the time) noticing the date by the original post. Sometimes, even those who have been here awhile miss it; me, too.
Have a great day.

Skinwhite · Apr 5, 2006, 09:30 PM

It would be cool if this thread still went to Opal's email and she could let us know what happened... hindsight is 20/20!

JmeMum · Feb 12, 2009, 12:45 AM

You're not really as confused as you think you are. You said yourself you're not ready. Marriage is two sided. It's some from you and him. You aren't ready and he is, that'd turn into one unhappy marriage. If he really loved you then why would he not want to wait? What's the hurry?