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lonelyplacid · Nov 20, 2008, 10:10 AM

Hello All,

Hope everyone is doing well. Am not, in a deep state of shock, depression... am 31 and about to finish my PhD... I met this girl ~ 3yrs ago, in fact she was the one who started this relation, as I was out going and helped her meet people and gave comfort.

About her, she is a very nice girl,27, she had feelings for a guy since she was a teen and she was unable to persuade him because of her family rules... then the family chose a guy for her and asked her to marry him, she said yes, may be out of fear, it went on for about 2 years and she started telling about her childhood guy to this new guy and I think he hated it, as a result he started behaving crazy and she thought he was controlling her and then faced a hard break up and now he is married to another girl and I don't know how he is now. I also knew this guy as he was in the same univ when we were all doing grad studies together. During the process of having this second guy with her, she used to talk to the first guy over phone and the second guy used to hate it. The second guy threatened her and she almost broke and wanted to commit suicide etc, but the first guy persuaded her and spoke to her to calm her down and she thinks he saved her life, she listens and trusts him a lot. Then on, they continued over the phone after the second guys break up and the first guy used to talk to only her as he had not much friends around (btw, the first guy and the girl are in two diff places), the fact that the first guy is always with studies, gym and her, I think she got bored and all of a sudden I came into picture...

I just got back to the univ after a break and was starting my phd in the same group as hers, she found me interesting and we started talking to each other and she felt comfortable with me, and we started having a relationship. I knew about her break with the second guy and was not aware that she had strong feelings for the first guy. I think the first guy advised or was upset about she getting close with me... as a result she got more close with me as I was giving her freedom and good company... all this lead to our intimate relation and we almost stayed together for an year, she then had to move to some place and as there was a gap and combined with her family members fear, she started asking me to leave her alone , I felt terrible and went to her place and spoke, as she saw me in person and also by the way I spoke her out of her family members fears, she said sorry to me and we continued our relation... and it was great for another 2 yrs. Even in those 2 yrs she used to think of the first guy when ever she feels lonely and used to miss him and used to feel guilty when I came to know of it. She used to say she will never call him again and will try to forget him etc... and just 2 weeks back also we had a good trip with her mom. She loves her mom and wants her to be happy, I think her mom now said, that if she decides to marry me, that might be a problem as I will have to takecare of my family members. Her mom suggested her that if she chooses the first guy, she might accept that as he has a family with good credentials.

For the past one week, she started asking me for space and she now says, she can't get him out her mind and imagines a life with the first guy... which I feel is a mistake on her part, as my relation did not start just like that... I agree we had problems and we could sort them out by talking. She blames me that I don't talk during stressful times...

Now I am heartbroken and in a deep shock to realize she is moving out of my life. Even more, the feeling of she going back to that guy gives me nevre wrecking feeling of rejection... am confused and people (one of my best friends) say its better to move on and find another girl... I feel like sharing all my intimate things with this first guy... I don't even know if he will take her back, when ever she calls , he says he doesn't want to talk to her and there is no coming back of her to him...

She says, she has not yet decided to go this way or that... I spoke to a psychiatrist who happens to be my landlord and he is suggesting me to go for anti depression medication...
I asked this girl to see this doc, but I think she is reluctant to see this particular guy, but at least said, she would want to meet some doc alone...

Now am not able to concentrate on anything, my phd is at stake, I had a job lined up, but its on hold, she even says, that she afraid of the job security with me and compares that the first guy is capable of taking care as he is from a big and v.good univ...

How much ever I control not to contact her, I am unable to do so, no appetite, no sleep, am so depressed... please advise me, I wrote all this just to vent out my feelings, even though I know, what many people would say...

busterite · Nov 20, 2008, 01:53 PM

First of all the state of shock and depression you are in at the moment is a normal state to be after a hard break up especially if it is with someone you really care about and had invested a lot into. My first piece of advice would be to stay away from the medication.

Secondly I just want to point out that there are too many red flags here and by not letting go you are playing with fire and might get burnt. I understand how you feel because I was at the same spot almost 5 months ago but I assure you the faster you let go and stop any contact the faster you will stand on your own two feet. I understand your first reaction is to get in there and sort things out but what you must accept is that there is nothing for you to sort out. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a girl that is willing to choose some other guy because of what he can provide and a girl that is following orders from her mum at the age of 27. I mean we should all respect our parents views on matters but at the end of it we are going to have to make the right decision ourselves. Why do you want to be the person she can fall back to? It sounds harsh I know but it's the reality.

Thirdly you have a PhD to focus on as well and your future so I say its time for you to think what is really best for yourself. Let your brain guide you because your heart is hurt and unable to at the moment. I know that for at least the first month I was a zombie at work and wanted to drop everything but people convinced me not to and to be honest they were right. As hard as it may be focus on finishing off your PhD. Don't contact the first guy and get yourself even more involved. She is the one that needs to make up her mind.

As for the loss of appetite, sleep and depression you just need to give it time and try hard to focus on anything to keep you are mind off it. It is really hard I know and probably the single hardest thing I've had to do in my life so far but we all get through, for some it takes longer than others but you will get through this.

lonelyplacid · Nov 20, 2008, 03:05 PM

Thanks for your reply Busterite. I am trying my best to keep the thoughts off, one way or the other, I am contacting her daily for something or the other and in the end I am venting my feelings. She simply says, that she wants to punish herself by being alone etc... and advises me to move on... just 10 days ago she gave me a hug by saying don't worry everything will be fine...
I even gave the first guy a call by blocking my id, but I never spoke... feel ashamed of it... I assume he also went through the same thing when she was saying no while being with me initially... I wish she could have at least waited till I got settled on my own... may be I am the reason for all my misery, I should not have gotten close to this kind of a woman in the first place... this can be called learning lessons the dreadful way... I will try my best to keep myself occupied...

TrueFaith · Nov 20, 2008, 04:45 PM

She sounds like she has no idea what she wants in her life..

Don't let her bring you down.

Its best to be without a person like that in your life

You know where you are going.. and what you want.
Leave it like that

This girl. Is all over the place.. from one guy to another to another..

It may sound harsh but that is how it reads

The pain will pass trust me

All the best!

Chery · Nov 20, 2008, 05:01 PM

Did you read the first four stickies in the Relationships Section? If not, please do so. They will help you a lot to realize that you are not the only one going though all of this.

I sincerely hope that you don't ever again place another person in the center of your universe and drop all other future plans and possibilities for them. Nobody is worth giving any part of yourself up.

You are also not her keeper and you cannot fix her problem, no matter how much you try. The only thing you can control is yourself, and how you cope. I sincerely suggest NO CONTACT starting yesterday!

With all the stress of her first lover and her family, I believe the only true attraction you had for this girl was in the intimate nature - well there are other girls worth more that you can get to know and become intimate with. And they might not have as much negative baggage to bring into the relationship.

Believe me, we've been there, done that, many times in our lives and we know what we are talking about. Your age tells me that you should have a more level-headed attitude about rejection by now, but if not, this is a good time to learn to cope with it. It will hurt, and will take time to heal and we will be here to help you go through your stages of recovery, so hang in there and keep in touch.

All I can say for now is good luck, and HAPPY HEALING! Time will heal, I promise. Just get back on the right track no matter how hard it is or how long it takes.

Chery · Nov 20, 2008, 05:05 PM

Thought I'd send you a little something for your journey...

lonelyplacid · Nov 20, 2008, 05:20 PM

Thank You all, for the support... am sometimes getting revenge thoughts, and feel like teaching a lesson to all these girls who cause pain...

kctiger · Nov 20, 2008, 05:23 PM

The best revenge is to be able to move on and be happy and successful without them! Do that, cause it is the classy way to handle things.

talaniman · Nov 20, 2008, 06:11 PM

Forget the revenge, get a female who wants you, and be glad, really glad, you didn't marry this one. That doesn't sound like a happy life to me.

If I were you I'd be celebrating, not depressed.

lonelyplacid · Nov 20, 2008, 06:44 PM

May be I was celebrating too much when she came into my life... but hey, the beautiful angel is no more for me!! She is so confident about her life... she says, I am not a person who can come back if the first guy says no now... I think she is feeling too bad for the pain she has caused for the first guy and then later to me... what the hell... am driving to one of my best buddies house tomorrow to spend the weekend... apparently my friend also went through the same situation as mine... hope I get some relief over there... most importantly at any cost I don't want to ruin my future... hope everything happens with god speed...

busterite · Nov 20, 2008, 07:14 PM

What my whole experience taught me is that the speed at which we recover is totally up to us. The sooner you stop looking back, accept it and go strictly NC the sooner you will get out of this. Revenge is not a healthy feeling, my advice would be to accept the situation for what it is and just walk away. I know its easier said then done but it's the most effective way, believe me.
Taking a break and talking to someone that has gone through something similar will probably do you good.
Everything will work out fine for you, as long as you keep pushing towards the right direction

lonelyplacid · Nov 21, 2008, 08:28 AM

Hmmm... I donno if I am getting revenge thoughts but, I feel like talking to this first guy and saying all this happened between me and her... its getting harder for me to concentrate on anything... may be I need to do something like this, so that I have a feeling that I vented out to the important person... god... can't believe I am writing all these!!

kctiger · Nov 21, 2008, 08:31 AM

You have no business talking to this first guy. It is not for you to worry about. The only person that matters is you. She does not matter, and the first guy also DOES NOT matter. Move on with your life and learn to accept it as reality. Stuff like this happens. Life falls apart because it wasn't strong enough as is, thus now you can rebuild it into something better and stronger. Looking in the past only blinds you from creating a better future.

busterite · Nov 21, 2008, 09:41 AM

I think kctiger is right here. The only important person here should be YOU! I think you have got all this wrong. I don't know if you are still talking to her but she is the one pulling the strings here. She has caused this. No matter how much a third person wants to intervene it is up to one of the two in the relationship to let them intervene so she is the one responsible. The reason it is getting harder for you to concentrate is because you still think you can change things and you have not accepted your current reality. You need to get her out of your life before you take her out of your mind. Read your post again and look at it from the perspective of someone reading it for the first time. What conclusions can you draw? What would you advise someone to do if he was in your shoes?

lonelyplacid · Nov 21, 2008, 10:51 AM

Thanks guys, I think I am coming in terms with reality... sorry for the one liner... will hit the road and head to mu buddies place...

Chery · Nov 23, 2008, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by lonelyplacid

Hmmm....I donno if I am getting revenge thoughts but, I feel like talking to this first guy and saying all this happened between me and her...its getting harder for me to concentrate on anything...may be i need to do something like this, so that i have a feeling that I vented out to the important person...god...cant believe I am writing all these !!!!

NOPE! Leave it alone. The first guy, and maybe her last one way down the road will get their own taste of what she is like.. so leave it be.
Just go on with your career and educational plans, and find someone that deserves you more.

lonelyplacid · Nov 24, 2008, 03:42 PM

Hello...

I must confess, that I just spoke to the first guy and told everything about her and me... and when I asked few personal Q's, he also mentioned that their relation was intimate... I really really felt bad as she never mentioned about the intimacy ever since I started getting close with her... If I had known, I would have pursued anything in the first place... I realized they are now talking again... the guy says he is concerned about her and he wishes that she whld be happy where ever she is... I think he is simply hanging in there for her to come back... today the guy said, when she calls nextime, he is going talk seriously and warn her to take things seriously...

I don't know for whatever reason, I now feel bad that I had that kind of conv with him... she warned me not to talk to him... but I couldn't control myself... all you people also said the same thing... I now feel little guilty that may be I hurt him also... and when she knows that I spoke to him, she might feel very bad too... this is like a chain reaction... mistakes are being committed by someone or the other... I cannot say sorry to her now, but I feel very sorry for what ever I did this morning by calling him...

"I am sorry baby...am really sorry...."

lonelyplacid · Nov 25, 2008, 04:21 PM

Hello... Can some one talk to me regarding the above post I did yesterday... the feeling is killing me...

busterite · Nov 25, 2008, 05:19 PM

The only piece of advice I can give you is the same as what I advised you earlier which is to just walk away. You gave in a moment of weakness, thought you could change things but nothing came out of it. And the more you get involved the more you will complicate things because there is no way you can solve all this. And you want to know why? Well because you did not create all this drama at the first place and there is nothing for you to solve. Just walk away now before things become harder. Do not contact her nothing will come out of it. Even if she does just tell her you are sorry and just leave it at that. You need to accept your current reality.

wikedjuggalo · Nov 25, 2008, 05:27 PM

Originally Posted by lonelyplacid

Hello ....Can some one talk to me regarding the above post i did yesterday...the feeling is killing me....

Look man I was played in a similar manner as you. Girl up and left me for a former crush. What you need to realize is the fact that is better now then later. Regardless of what you did you need to move forward instead of dwelling in the past. Don't feel bad about what mistake you did because I'll be damned if we all didn't do it at some point.

Does it hurt? Does it suck? Its all of the above. Heartbreak sucks. For weeks following being left for another guy I couldn't function. My grades took a big hit, I'm still failing physics but guess what? I'm all right! I live, I function without her if anything she was holding me back without me being able to realize. I took a wonderful trip I could have never with her. I have more money in my bank account (hahah) and damn it there are rough days. Keep your head up man its still fresh you'll look back and be damn I'm so much better.

You'll get up one morning and your first thought won't be of her. When that day comes you can smile and your whole world will be better.

To get better fast do what you are doing minus any contact with ex and anyone she deals with (like new guy). Go with friends enjoy the world like you did before her. I know its hard but the sooner you start living life without her you sooner you'll feel better. Know it was not your fault and let go of any control you think you have on the situation because you have none. What is done is done instead of being down be happy. Trust me easier said then done I know. Do not resort to alcohol because it will make you feel worse in the morning.

Walk away. Smile live life for what it is and not what it was.