[lostntx]

I have come to realize that sex is something I turn to when I feel a void in my life. When my world is spinning out of control, SOMETHING somewhere has to be stable. My daughter just moved out and on her own. I have been divorced for just over a year now and have had three failed relationships. My fault for chosing the wrong men. I am careful in my choices I feel at the time, but always seems to end in about a month. First one because he failed to tell me he was still married. DISASTER! Second because I wasn't in love with him after a month. (That's a bad thing) And most recent because I put too much into sex and could not black and white define what I want in life. I DON'T KNOW! I do know my life as I knew it a year ago is completely changed. Divorce (which I wanted), my oldest leaving the house, new job, rediscovering who I am, hit 40 and seem to be gaining weight like never before. I find that when things go wrong, I retreat into myself and lock out the world from who I really am. I can be social and as I say "wind me up and watch me go". I can be anything I need to be at that moment and no one is really the wiser. But I have noticed that I seem to be putting a lot into sex these days. I want sex with my partner more than he can possibly perform. I have had sex with my female friends, but that is not fullfilling in the least. I have toys and can take care of myself daily. The last guy that broke it off with me for being undefined last week, was so good to me in bed, until I would wear him out. I understand this. I don't ask more than can be given, but doesn't mean I don't want more. New guy I went out with this weekend, I feel won't be able to keep my happy in bed and that is a real issue with whether I want to date him. I am honest with men and always get the standard man answer. Right now I just want to call up a guy friend and have hours of sex. I want to feel better. I want to cry so I can get over last guy who broke my heart. Three tears so far. Too busy being angry with him. I just want hours of hot, mildly kinky sex so I can feel better again and wipe the slate clean to start my next day on the right foot. I am such a spaz and I don't know what to do. How do I begin to be healthy again? On so many different levels. I do not have insurance at work yet because I am not at my 90 days yet. I just feel so lost... I'm tired of feeling lost... :(

[xxariesxx]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly, it sounds like you are having a hard time.

I believe people use sex in many ways to exercise emotions they can't reveal in any other way. You want to have sex to be connected to someone because you feel alone, and that's how you know how to connect with someone. You probably want it also because it gives you control, whereas in your everyday life you experience little control. It's empowering on your part, and you can feel accepted through it, while you might not feel accepted in other ways.
It sounds like you express yourself through physical means, and while that's all right to an extent, there needs to be other outlets as well, such as releasing emotions through talking or a hobby, etc.

I really suggest you try to find a counselor to talk with and explain the situation. They will definitely be able to help you get to the root of why you feel this way and your actions.

Take care.