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Justwantfair · Nov 10, 2008, 11:07 AM

I feel like I am always going insane. My ex-husband is 100% cognatively impaired and a pain in my life on a daily basis. We share custody of our seven year old daughter but we are currently have custody reevaluated. Most recently he has been trying to do anything in his power to prove that he deserves custody over myself. He is completely court motivated and constinently harasses me. My boyfriend and I are really fed up with the behaviors and would like any advice on how to make it through the next month, the trial is set for mid December. His recent attempt at trying to prove he is a better parent was requesting that she attend tutoring, although she is performing above average, so that when I told him it wasn't reasonable than he could try and say that I don't appreciate the value of her education. Instead I contacted her teacher who did not recommend tutoring but even stated that he had recently requested a second parent teacher conference, we just attended one a month ago. He had not even mentioned his request and when I confronted him about it, he stated that I denied his rights as a father for stating she didn't need one so he planned on attending and not telling me about it. He is trying to prove his case, push me out of her life, (she is my baby, last child, I am extremely attached to her). Any advise on how to make it through the next month while dealing with someone not mentally stable, irrational, and court motivated, with his only desire to make himself look better, nothing to do with our children or her health or safety. Ideas?

ScottGem · Nov 10, 2008, 11:24 AM

All you can do is grin and bear it.

cdad · Nov 10, 2008, 03:03 PM

You could try dropping the attitude and act reasonable. The name calling doesn't hold up in courts too long. You can seek a modified parenting plan and make sure it has the needed bite to make life easier if possible. Like notification of appointments within 24 - 48 hours. And a follow up 1 or 2 days before appointment to insure the other is informed. Try being on a business relationship with him and make sure he has a current email that can be used to notify you of events. You get one from him for the same. That way things like the parent teacher conference can be avoided. You can ask for other guidelines so long as they are reasonable.

Justwantfair · Nov 10, 2008, 03:12 PM

I do not have an attitude about it, but I am positive that you aren't aware of the situation of dealing with someone who is unable to rationalize simple things, turning everything into insanity, and this happens on a daily basis. Everything from having an agreement on her school to him registering her in another school two day prior to the start of that school because registration for the other school hasn't taken place yet. I am aware you may feel this is about taking a child away from her father, but that is not the case at all. I have always tried working with him to raise our daughter together because he is important to her. We communicate through email almost daily and appointments are always communicated to him by me, he did not intent to notify me about this parent teacher conference, as well as notifying me the day of for her dentist appointment last week. I was raised by my father, I would like him in her life, but his ability to make rational decisions that do not cause conflict to my daughter's life is compromised to the point that everything is an agreement for him to change the agreement unilaterally without enough time for anything to be redecided except by going back to court every six months when something new floats his boat. BTW, I don't think I name called him anything. I feel bad for him, that doesn't mean that it's not a frustrating situation 6 years later.

cdad · Nov 10, 2008, 07:49 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I do not have an attitude about it, but I am positive that you aren't aware of the situation of dealing with someone who is unable to rationalize simple things, turning everything into insanity, and this happens on a daily basis. Everything from having an agreement on her school to him registering her in another school two day prior to the start of that school because registration for the other school hasn't taken place yet. I am aware you may feel this is about taking a child away from her father, but that is not the case at all. I have always tried working with him to raise our daughter together because he is important to her. We communicate through email almost daily and appointments are always communicated to him by me, he did not intent to notify me about this parent teacher conference, as well as notifying me the day of for her dentist appointment last week. I was raised by my father, I would like him in her life, but his ability to make rational decisions that do not cause conflict to my daughter's life is compromised to the point that everything is an agreement for him to change the agreement unilaterally without enough time for anything to be redecided except by going back to court every six months when something new floats his boat. BTW, I don't think I name called him anything. I feel bad for him, that doesn't mean that it's not a frustrating situation 6 years later.

OK.. to me its name calling when you place a title on this unless there is a true medical reason for it:
Title : Dealing with mentally challenged ex-husband

And yes I understand completely. If you really think its so bad Ill swap ex's with you. You will think your in heaven now. Ive had to deal with things like that for a long time. That's why I suggested you get it into a parenting plan. That's what it took to get things straightened out. If emergency situations arise then that's different then the every day life things. And its not fair for either of you unless agreed upon to set appointment for the other person. Yes I had to put up with that too. You have the right focus with that being your daughter. With a proper parenting plan you can also get some sanity too. You don't just have to get wrinkled up in the tub full of calgon to get peace in your life. If he decides not to stick to the parenting plan then you have recourse. Zap him a few times with contempt and lawyer fees and watch how fast things can change.

Justwantfair · Nov 10, 2008, 08:32 PM

Ok, by mentally challenged I was serious about his mental condition. He is mentally challenged (100% cognatively impaired on disability) and it is very difficult to deal with, it isn't like trying to work with someone who can focus on the child or the issues.

talaniman · Nov 14, 2008, 12:04 PM

If it can be proved he is not capable of rationale childcare decisions, you should have no trouble getting a court to relieve him of that duty, and keep visitations.

Until the court date, just keep the attitude positive, and relax, and stay focused.

Wish I had a magic pill for you, but sadly I don't.

cadillac59 · Nov 15, 2008, 06:43 PM

Yours is a hard question to answer. I get the sense that you are a good parent just trying your best to co-parent with him and be cooperative but he just acts bizarre much of the time.

I think all you can do is keep telling him that you support his relationship with your daughter but a lot of his suggestions don't make sense and he's not helping her. If he wants parent-teacher conferences every week (that is, alone) who cares? I'd try ignoring him most of the time if I could and only respond when there's no way around it.

You could try asking the court (this is a long-range solution) to appoint a special master. That's a person with quasi-judicial authority whom we use in high conflict custody cases. You can go to the special master whenever there are these little disputes you can't run into court on all the time and the sp makes a quick decision for you that has the force and effect of a court order. You might ask for an order than he pay for it since he's the one that's micromanaging things.

See if you've got special masters in your jurisdiction. We have them in family law in California.

JudyKayTee · Nov 16, 2008, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Ok, by mentally challenged I was serious about his mental condition. He is mentally challenged (100% cognatively impaired on disability) and it is very difficult to deal with, it isn't like trying to work with someone who can focus on the child or the issues.

If he is, in fact, mentally challenged, cannot focus on the welfare of the child or children then take your proof to Court and get your support order changed to reflect the current circumstances. Many States appoint legal guardians for children and these guardians represent the interest of the CHILDREN in such cases, look at all sides, make a non-binding recommendation to the Court which then decides the issues.

That is the normal course in NY - I don't know about other States and you would have to file your request to change the current Order and ask for the info.

If your child is in danger physically or emotionally you cannot wait to see what will happen next. If it involves going back to Court every 6 months then that is what you're going to have to do.

Justwantfair · Nov 16, 2008, 04:03 PM

That is the step we are on, the recommendation with be given to the court mid December, but he is on overload trying to prove he is fit, by exactly that micromanagement of her while she is in my care, like I am the incompetent one. It is SOOOOO frustrating and the court's are so slow to change anything, it's frustrating.

Thank you for the kind words everyone.

JudyKayTee · Nov 16, 2008, 04:06 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

That is the step we are on, the recommendation with be given to the court mid December, but he is on overload trying to prove he is fit, by exactly that micromanagement of her while she is in my care, like I am the incompetent one. It is SOOOOO frustrating and the court's are so slow to change anything, it's frustrating.

Thank you for the kind words everyone.

And the day to day to day dealing with him must be frustrating and exhausting but I think you have to just hang in there and act instead of reacting.

Justwantfair · Dec 12, 2008, 08:11 AM

Just an update:

Well do to the fact that my attorney turns out to have some abuse problem and disappears for weeks at a time, she has now been fired from my case.

Unfortunately that set back the pretrial and best interests of child hearing while I retain new counsel.

On Tuesday my daughter has a belly ache and I kept her home from school by her request. He has since accused me of keeping her home because it was snowing (yet somehow I took my other child to school, passing her school in the process), that I fired my attorney because I am losing my case, that I told my daughter to lie and say she is sick and that I lied to him.

Last night he emailed me a list of what I should get our daughter for Christmas at my house, as these were the things that she was requesting that he didn't get her and she should get them at my house.

I am back to feeling out of my mind, this process is so time staking and frustrating. I know that this is his way of keeping me in his life, but I don't want to be a part of it. I haven't for a very long time. I would love to just stop addressing the things he emails me but it is always stuff that I feel defensive about and just makes me want to rationalize with him so that he can see that this should really be about his daughter. Any suggestions? I think I am well past the grin and bear it stage.

JudyKayTee · Dec 12, 2008, 09:10 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Just an update:

Well do to the fact that my attorney turns out to have some abuse problem and disappears for weeks at a time, she has now been fired from my case.

Unfortunately that set back the pretrial and best interests of child hearing while I retain new counsel.

On Tuesday my daughter has a belly ache and I kept her home from school by her request. He has since accused me of keeping her home because it was snowing (yet somehow I took my other child to school, passing her school in the process), that I fired my attorney because I am losing my case, that I told my daughter to lie and say she is sick and that I lied to him.

Last night he emailed me a list of what I should get our daughter for Christmas at my house, as these were the things that she was requesting that he didn't get her and she should get them at my house.

I am back to feeling out of my mind, this process is so time staking and frustrating. I know that this is his way of keeping me in his life, but I don't want to be a part of it. I haven't for a very long time. I would love to just stop addressing the things he emails me but it is always stuff that I feel defensive about and just makes me want to rationalize with him so that he can see that this should really be about his daughter. Any suggestions? I think I am well past the grin and bear it stage.

I don't know if you're asking for legal advice or not - the legal advice is that maybe you should save the emails, maybe he threatens you, maybe it makes sense to try to get a restraining order.

Otherwise you're back to grin and bear it and/or biting your lips to keep from screaming out loud!

Concerning the Attorney - did anyone arrange for you to get your money back? The Bar Association can do wonders in these situations and very often upon finding out Attorney #1 has some sort of problem will find Attorney #2 at a greatly reduced rate in order to make you happy (at least in NY).

Justwantfair · Dec 12, 2008, 09:22 AM

No I am not really asking for legal advise. I have all of the emails, there aren't any physical threats, it's more harassment. I can not make any decision for our daughter without him reacting in a harassing way, challenging anything I do, like I am the parent that isn't fit to take care of her.

Fact is we are still under a joint/joint order and he has no right to treat me as the inferior parent especially because it is his choices that are questionable, I just don't treat him in the same regard because I accept his decisions when she is in his care. If I had sent her to school on Tuesday after she told me she had a belly ache, the ending would not have been different.

I am very concerned that I am going to snap on him, I try to keep my cool, but it is so frustrating. It is really like having a conversation with a teenager, when you are trying to reason with them, like an adult.

I am filing a complaint with the ARDC (Illinois), I have already retained new counsel. I am hoping that the ARDC will assist with the retainer and all of the funds for the last three months that have been completely wasted. As it turns out the ARDC has been involved with the substance abuse situation for the last two years and they continue to allow her to take new clients and they don't have anything pending on her disciplinary actions, she is listed as none.

talaniman · Dec 12, 2008, 09:50 AM

Very messy divorce, stay cool, and make sure your side is done well, and ignore his.

Obviously working together doesn't happen, so until its over, ignore him and whatever he is doing, unless you feel its in the best interest of your child.

Decorate your own tree, and get the gifts you want. Don't let him nitpick you into frustration.

Justwantfair · Dec 12, 2008, 09:57 AM

Can I legally request that he make any further communication with me through his attorney? I have already requested this but he doesn't.

He calls every night to talk to her, while our custody arrangement allows for him to see her at least after school every day with almost every other night as an overnight. His harassment is worse when it is my weekend, which this weekend is. I don't want to interfer with his ability to call his daughter but it really seems excessive when he sees her everyday and his phone calls basically consist of "what did you have for dinner? when did you eat? what are you doing now?"

JudyKayTee · Dec 12, 2008, 10:22 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Can I legally request that he make any further communication with me through his attorney? I have already requested this but he doesn't.

He calls every night to talk to her, while our custody arrangement allows for him to see her at least after school every day with almost every other night as an overnight. His harassment is worse when it is my weekend, which this weekend is. I don't want to interfer with his ability to call his daughter but it really seems excessive when he sees her everyday and his phone calls basically consist of "what did you have for dinner? when did you eat? what are you doing now?"

You can try but I don't see the Court granting it - I think he's trying to make you look unreasonable and I have no idea how the Court would see this.

I'd keep grinding my teeth and wait for Court.

Justwantfair · Dec 12, 2008, 10:34 AM

I am doing my best. Just so exhausted and it's depressing. It makes it difficult to interact with my own daughter because I know that everything I do is challenged/judged by him and I know that he is grilling her about anything she does with me. I feel horrible for her being in the middle of this and I can't help her. The other day when she was sick she wanted to stay home and told him as much but he doesn't listen. It's "his" time, not technically since it was during the day where if she wasn't ill she would be at school, but I can't keep her, he screams about violating his visitation time.

Justwantfair · Dec 12, 2008, 02:22 PM

Our Parenting Agreement reads:

"Christmas Eve: Minor child shall alternate Christmas Eve Day at 12:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m. or overnight until 10:00 a.m. Christmas morning with the Mother on odd numbered years and the Father on even numbered years;

Christmas Day: Minor child shall alternate Christmas Day at 10:00 a.m. overnight until an agreed time on December 26th on odd numbered years with the Father and even numbered years with the Mother;"

My ex interprets this to mean that he has her from 12 p.m. Christmas Eve Day until 10 a.m. Christmas Day. How do I enforce this agreement when he tries to keep her all day on Christmas Eve Day? Is it clear and understandable to anyone else? Last year he had her Christmas Eve Day until 10pm and than she was overnight at my house (mother) and he picked her up at 10am Christmas Day.

JudyKayTee · Dec 12, 2008, 02:24 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Our Parenting Agreement reads:

"Christmas Eve: Minor child shall alternate Christmas Eve Day at 12:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m. or overnight until 10:00 a.m. Christmas morning with the Mother on odd numbered years and the Father on even numbered years;

Christmas Day: Minor child shall alternate Christmas Day at 10:00 a.m. overnight until an agreed time on December 26th on odd numbered years with the Father and even numbered years with the Mother;"

My ex interprets this to mean that he has her from 12 p.m. Christmas Eve Day until 10 a.m. Christmas Day. How do I enforce this agreement when he tries to keep her all day on Christmas Eve Day? Is it clear and understandable to anyone else? Last year he had her Christmas Eve Day until 10pm and than she was overnight at my house (mother) and he picked her up at 10am Christmas Day.

I think it may be a lost cause if he can't tell the difference between AM and PM -