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lovingmama · Jun 12, 2006, 04:06 PM

I had a little girl a couple of years ago with my ex-husband. I am now currently remarried and my husband has taken on a wonderful father role. My daughter’s biological father hasn’t been in the picture for over 3 years. He hasn’t had contact with us in over 2 years. I have not contacted his family for visitations. I figure if they wanted visitations they would contact me. My ex is jail for a number of severe “mistakes”, yet my mother states that I should allow my daughter to see her “daddy’s” side of the family even though they haven’t seen her in 3 years. Am I wrong for keeping my daughter from an entire family who just walked away?

CaptainForest · Jun 12, 2006, 04:24 PM

You are not wrong.

If they do not want to be apart of your kid's life, then you shouldn't force it as then that will only create problems.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 12, 2006, 04:47 PM

I will agree with Captian,

I will add one thing, sometimes grandparents ( still got those memories of those old grey haired people from my memories) often feel ashamed to ask or afraid to ask.

Do they send any cards, letters or anything?

If not, my suggestion will be the same, don't force something they don't seem to want.

s_cianci · Jun 12, 2006, 06:07 PM

I don't feel you're wrong. While the father has visitation rights (though not necessarily while he's incarcerated), the extended family has little, if any, established rights to visitation with your daughter. Each state varies somewhat on this but no state grants extensive rights to grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. (unless they are a court-appointed guardian.) Right now, you and your husband have the duty to raise your daughter in the most loving, nurturing and emotionally healthy environment you can provide. From the sound of your post, it doesn't sound like your daughter even knows these relatives very well so certainly nobody's being deprived as a result of her being kept away from them.

magprob · Jun 12, 2006, 06:16 PM

If you tried to keep my grandchild from me I would probably end up making you very unhappy with me. If they want to see the child you should let them, they are family. If they can contact you but don't, then forget about them.

Rocktosh · Sep 4, 2006, 11:17 PM

I don't know if you are wrong or right. As someone else mentioned, the extended family don't have any legal rights to see the child. But I would like to add that you may want to consider if seeing her relatives on her father's side would benefit your daughter. Since she is so little it may not make a difference now, but that may change as she grows up. Allthoug she has another father figure in her life it may still be very important to her as she grows up to have a bond with her father's side of the family. It is after all her blood relatives.
I've had a few friends who grew up without any contact with their dads or anyone on their dad's side and this is something that greatly affected them when they got older. My best friend has told me several times that not knowing anything about her dad has been one of the greatest sorrows of her life and it was something that was especially difficult to deal with when she was in her early teens.

This is really not about the family members, what they want and what their rights are. This is about the child. And the more that loves her the better, don't you think? If you feel that having contact would be something that would benefit your daughter, maybe you could contact your ex's family members and ask them if they are interested in being in her life. Just because your ex is a no good piece of crap (which he of course is if he hasn't cared about his own daughter) doesn't mean that his family is. Of course they could have contacted you, but there may be a reason why they haven't. Of course I don't know the situation and as the mother you know what is best for your child, but I thought I'd give you my input if it would help.

Good luck,

Rocktosh

fed up · Sep 24, 2006, 07:34 PM

Do you intend to tell the child when she is older that the man who raised her is not her biological father? She will have a lot of questions about her fathers side of the family. Think about the future before you make a decision. You may save yourself a huge headache down the road. Good luck. There really isn't any right or wrong is there?

Ebz · Dec 27, 2006, 02:51 AM

I am adopted! But I totally think that you are wrong and you should let your child see at least her dad on jail visiting days! If I was your daughter, I would be wanting to be seeing my dad really bad, and I would want you to take me to see him, but if you didn't take me to see him then I would ask if I could at least see my grandparents!

Just sit your daughter down and tell her what people she is alowd to see

fed up · Dec 27, 2006, 07:36 AM

Originally Posted by lovingmama

I had a little girl a couple of years ago with my ex-husband. I am now currently remarried and my husband has taken on a wonderful father role. My daughter’s biological father hasn’t been in the picture for over 3 years. He hasn’t had contact with us in over 2 years. I have not contacted his family for visitations. I figure if they wanted visitations they would contact me. My ex is jail for a number of severe “mistakes”, yet my mother states that I should allow my daughter to see her “daddy’s” side of the family even though they haven’t seen her in 3 years. Am I wrong for keeping my daughter from an entire family who just walked away??

If your ex's family wanted to see her they would have approached you by now I would think. We have a grandaughter that is not living with her biological father. She has a wonderful relationship with him and his side of the family. I made it a point to stay in this child's life. She is our flesh and blood. It is difficult at times as her father is our son and I must say an excellent father. There have been issues with the mother and us but we solved those in court. If your daughter expresses interest in the future about her other grandparents then you will have to make a decision. Good luck.

troubledmaiden2255 · Dec 28, 2006, 12:05 AM

Okay. I am a girl whose dad walked away too. See, I never talk with my dad, but his family are very close to me. But the question is, do you trust the dad? He makes "mistakes" after all. The worst thing a parent could do is not be honest with their kids. Let your girl know what her options are. Ask her if she's happy. Cause I would just leave things the way they are. I mean If you get involved with his family, a lot more drama could happen. Make an ups and downs chart you know?

jrussole · Dec 30, 2006, 06:51 AM

lovingmama, if the deadbeat spineless scums family hasn't made an effort to know their child, than they aren't worth you or your child's energy. But if they have inquired about your child and have made an effort, then if I were you- I would consider it. But I wouldn't go out of my way, if they haven't. You can't make people care about anything if they lack the ability to love. Especially, a child. I would pity them, actually. Just look what you have and what they chose not to receive!

ScottGem · Dec 30, 2006, 07:16 AM

First, let me point out that lovingmama opened this thread on June 12, 2006! That was the only post she has ever made here. We don't know if she even found her way back to view the answers.

First Rocktosh revived the thread in Sept after several months of no activity. A few months later Ebz revived it again. PEOPLE PLEASE!!!!! LOOK AT THE DATES BEFORE YOU RESPOND TO A THREAD!!!!! Check the history to see if the OP ever came back.

Since we are clearly not giving advice to the OP anymore, this is now a discussion of what would be right. In my opinion, It would be wrong to deny a birth parent and his family the opportunity to be a part of the child's life. That being said, I see no reason why the custodial parent needs to go out of the way allow such an opportunity. If the family makes an attempt then, by all means, give them the chance.

As for visiting a parent in jail, I would not do this for a child of less than 8, maybe 10 depending on maturity level. Though a little baby who wouldn't remember the visit might be bought in. But a toddler of 3-4 (as the OP's child apparently was) is not the right age for such a visit.

jrussole · Dec 30, 2006, 07:56 AM

lovingmama,
You are not wrong in protecting your child. And if the family hasn't wanted or requested to see your child than I wouldn't waste my time with them. And if you happen to lurk on your question from time to time. At least you will know that some of us still care. You can't make someone who doesn't care about you or your child care. And I wouldn't go out of my way to turn their light bulb on.

grl_next_door · Feb 23, 2007, 12:50 PM

I don't think your wrong at all. My daughter is fixing to be 9 and her biological father has only seen her once and I have never received one cent in child support. He asked me why I didn't have an abortion. To explain things nicely, I basically told him where he could stick it. If him or his family hasn't made an effort , write them off and carry on. That's what I did. It's a lot less complicated without him. I wouldn't want my daughter to have to witness how much of a waste of flesh her biological dad is.