[orange]

I have a friend, actually a former foster sister, who I think is an alcoholic... of course I can't make that judgement, only she can decide that for herself, but for the purposes of this thread I'll say she's one, or at least that she has a drinking problem.

She lives quite close to us (like a few blocks), but I only hear from her when she is trying to stay sober. This is maybe once or twice a year, and lasts for about 2-3 weeks at most. The rest of the time she avoids my calls and declines any offers to come for supper, go for coffee, etc. This has been going on for about 5 years now.

She called me up a couple of days ago (I haven't heard from her since last September) and told me her usual story: that she quit drinking 2 weeks ago, she doesn't think she's an alcoholic, she's doesn't NEED alcohol but she's tired of drinking so she thought she'll have a break from it, and do I want to go for coffee and to an open AA meeting with her. Then I said my usual thing, which is: good for you, I'm glad you're not drinking, and yes I'll go for coffee / to a meeting with you. I know from previous experience that we will go to one meeting, maybe for coffee once or twice, and then she will "disappear" again suddenly.

To make a long story short, I'm wondering if this "arrangement" of ours, meeting every few months or so when she's sober, is all right? I'm really not an "expert" on drinking and drugs (she's had a drug problem off and on as well), having been lucky to escape that. My mother thinks I should ignore her calls or tell her I'm fed up, that she should stay sober or else quit calling, etc. My parents are living with us until the end of September, so my mom is telling me all her thoughts about my friends! :rolleyes: Anyway I think what my mom is saying is kind of harsh, especially since she's really not bothering me... she hardly takes up any of my time at all.

So to make a long story short, I guess I'm wondering what to do about my friend. Continue as before, or try something new? I used to go to Alateen so I know well enough that I can't change her or make her sober. Thanks for any input.

[J_9]

Chava, I am not sure if the would be considered enabling her or not, you would know that from Alateen.

What I would do, if it were me, would be to go to an AA meeting myself and try to meet a few people. Tell them your story and that you will be bringing your friend. When you go with her introduce her to your friends. Hopefully one of them will become her sponsor, and that way all the stress is off you and on them. They have been through this themselves and can help her better than you can.

Just my two cents worth.

[phillysteakandcheese]

I think you should continue to be supportive, but you should also illustrate to her the pattern that you've seen over those five years, and ask "Is this time going to be different?".

[orange]

Sorry philly, I tried to give you some rep and was told to spread it around again, sigh. I will try to come back later on if I remember.

I have confronted her before, a couple of years back. She insisted at that time that she WAS serious. I could confront her again this time, and probably I will, but I have a feeling she will just say, "Oh yes, yes, I'm totally serious now! " when really she's not. But thanks, I think I will use your wording, "Is this time going to be different?" or "What's different this time?" I've never said it to her like that before.

I'll come back later to let you know what happens, but knowing her pattern I have a feeling she will be drunk again in a couple of weeks. She still works and still maintains a relationship with a boyfriend (albeit a different boyfriend every time I talk to her! ). So I don't think she's bad enough yet to "hit bottom" as they say in AA.

[valinors_sorrow]

The problem is she is (or thinks she is) surviving doing the two things that are the hardest... hitting bottom (or attempting to) and early recovery (ugh). She has arranged her life around that cycle. What a drag for her! She has shut herself off from the chance at freedom from a terrible thing and a life of real happiness by accommodating that cycle. She may even claim to be okay or "not that bad" but she isn't.

I talk to literally hundreds just like her every year because of the nature of my professional work. I like to ask them questions more than anything. I think the possibility of planting a few seeds of hope works better in question format and they are often needy for attention so that eases some of that too. That and I tend to have a basic belief that most people have the answers already, it's the questions they are not asking that matters. I offer my courage to them to ask those questions.

I ask things like: Doesn't it seem crazy to you to do the same thing over and over and expect different results? Don't you wish you could identify why this doesn't seem to be working for you when it appears to work for others? Do you ever see yourself running out of chances? Can you determine if you are getting slowly worse and worse over time? Are you sensing yourself running out of time? Are you unhappy? What are you willing to do about it?

Of course I alter some things along the way in accordance to some of the answers, but I try to tell as much truth about where they are and what they are doing and how they too can be freed as I talk to them. It's a kind of very gentle loving confrontation... so gentle that they end up sometimes reframing it all in a more realistic way. Less lying to self, more seeing the bad reality and the good hope. And then I hook them up with someone in AA to take them around and guarantee personal connection. Some of them make it, some break off anyway but shrugs, we all gave it our best shot.

She basically needs help to hit bottom and then help translating that into willingness. As long as she is alive there is hope, that is the good news! Not many of this sort seem to make it, that is the grim reality. I hope this helps Chava and we can always talk further too. You are a good friend to your friends, I can see that.

[s_cianci]

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on the situation. It's not unusual for someone with a drinking problem to try and conceal it by avoiding as much interpersonal contact as possible. You can continue to be her friend and be there for her. You've already said that she doesn't bother you and takes up hardly any of your time so I really don't think you have a problem here.

[talaniman]

Until she wants to change she won't,

[educatedhorse_2005]

You can't help those who don't really want the help.
But you can always be there for her. Give her a shoulder to lean on.
Or maybe you can plan one of those interventions.

[orange]

Thanks everyone for the great answers. Thanks especially Val, Philly and Demonspeeding... I've only been on here for a few minutes today and already I have given out too much reputation in 24 hours, ugh! So I wasn't able to comment on your posts. But I do promise to try again a bit later.

Just a little update for you guys... since I hurt my back, I haven't been able to go out for coffee or to a meeting with her, and it appears that it was too long of a wait for her, and she has disappeared again, sigh. For my own peace of mind though, once I feel better I may go to an open meeting and talk to some members of AA, and let them know about her. Maybe I will take in an Al-Anon meeting as well. Anyway thanks again to everyone for your support and suggestions.

[Cindy15]

valinors_sorrow What you write you open my eyes for drinking problem. I have problem with my son.