Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Nov 2, 2008, 09:39 PM
    Hard break up and have some questions
    I am sure these questions have been answered before but I have been browsing the forums for a few days and feel it may help to ask my story to the community.

    My girlfriend of 11 months and who I've known for 3 1/2 years just broke up with me a few weeks ago and I am having some trouble as this was my first real love and someone who I had a connection with like no other.

    Just to bring everyone up to speed. Sorry for the length but it helps me too I think if I get to talk and get it out of my system.

    We met at work 3 1/2 years ago and I always thought she looked amazing from day one. And, what was even better was her as a person--her personality, humor and character, etc. made her like no one I've ever met. We became friends and best friends at that. And, real quick, I'm 22 and she is 26. Then last year about this time (October/November 2007) I realized that I truly had feelings for her. I thought a lot about it and asked myself to make sure I wasn't just creating some feelings just because we were spending more time together and the fact she was my best friend. She started becoming really close to me and would wind up putting her head on my shoulder if she was tired at work or if we would go out with friends she would always want to be right across the table from me so we could talk. I kept my feeling to myself until I could figure out how to tell her and gauge the situation to see if she was just a friend or more.

    Flash forward to December. My Grandmother passes away and I get the call when both of us are at a work Christmas party and she is there for me all night long to comfort me. That's when I knew I had to tell her. I waited a few more days and in that time we were hanging out at my place and we were sitting there talking and she just gets all tense and says... "OK I have to tell you something, I can't wait any longer..I really like you and have fallen in love with you". I just smile and feel that rush. I tell her "I feel the exact same way and was going to tell you on Christmas" which is only a day or 2 away. I was just scared because I thought I would be rejected. So we kiss for the first time and it was like nothing else in this world. She said "that felt so good, I've been wanting to do that for so long, I am in love with you.

    We become a very happy couple and she and I do some amazing things and care for each other like you wouldn't believe. Just, one surprising the other with romantic getaways, little surprises, etc. I would always be inspired and make some kind of art for her and she likewise would get creative as well. It was as good as life could get. Then this summer we both decided we didn't like our jobs anymore and it we needed to go where we decided we would be happy--L.A. as we both work in the media it had always been our dream. I had money saved for just such an occasion and always had it earmarked for something good like this. We talked about it, and talked about it and made sure it was the smartest and wise decision for us and the future. We moved to California and lived together because it is so expensive. It was great and she loved every second of it. We began the job hunt with our contacts and she came up unsuccessful so she decided to freelance in Chicago for a few weeks-where she is from. As she has a college instructor who she is friends with would let her stay at their house while she was in town. That's where all this starts taking a turn.

    She initially missed me genuinely it felt. I just called or texted her everyday and she would do the same as when you are close with someone you love it is always nice to say hi. Anyway, she wound up having to stay another few weeks and another few weeks, etc. And, the freelance wasn't panning out as much as she wanted but she was staying for some opportunities in the coming weeks. I tried my best to be supportive as I know she needs money and a job and in our industry people do this stuff on a daily basis. Well, she comes back for a weekend to get some fresher clothes, etc. and she seems distant. She always, always loved cuddling and just having me hold her. I was hoping to since I knew she would have to go back in a day we could when she was back but it never happened. She was stressed and needed to sleep by herself as it was back on a plane for her in the morning. That made me very sad but I knew she was stressed and understood. She also wound up re-dying her hair, which looking back was another thing different, even though subconscious red flag I didn't see.

    So, she goes back to Chicago and works freelance but it's off and on and really no better an opportunity than if she didn't go in my opinion. It seemed like she was there in Chicago trying but not doing. I missed her so much and told her I felt really lonely since she had been gone for so many weeks--I miss the person who is my best friend and love.

    Finally one day. (Oct 13th) I was on AIM talking to her and she really seemed down. I could tell something was wrong and had asked her a day before the same question..."is everything alight? I hope you are OK" She knew and did always talk to me about everything in her life and I did the same. So, I gently pried because I knew something was wrong. She told me she needed time and that since she has had time to be away she feels she is in a relationship she wasn't ready for and not only that but she felt she wasn't giving her % of the relationship. I was completely caught off guard and told her that she was. She said she couldn't give me what I want. And, I said that doesn't make sense because you are and you always have where is this coming from. She got around to me "not being right for her" and that we supposedly "didn't mesh in that way" which was weird because we had been just fine up until she went to Chicago. I lost it and she wound up calling seconds later after I didn't respond. Even the night before she was herself (wanting to cuddle, etc.) and then she goes to Chicago and it's like a flip of the switch. She said she wanted to be a part of my life still and that I am an amazing guy and that she is dumb for doing this. The only real reason she cited on my end was that I was being "too there for her always"--too nice of a guy. And, that I hadn't been as much of a challenge for her the last month or had been fighting back and pushing her buttons, which she told me she craves. I had backed off because she was stressed and didn't want to push buttons!!! Argh Anyway, I felt it was weird and scripted the whole thing. Then I remembered. This college instructor friend of hers who she stayed with in Chicago, who I met last year actually. He told me once that she wasn't ready for a relationship, which was weird. I didn't think it was his business and it felt like he was being a father figure of sorts and since we were happy it didn't make sense. He was a cool guy and knew we were happy but it was still odd. So, I find it odd that when she is there with this guy again I feel like some meddling has gone on. And, perhaps some bad advice all of a sudden. Especially when it sounds the same. Anyway, I lost it when I heard this news I cried and was on the floor with no one here. She wanted to be here to tell me these things so this wouldn't happen. It was the worst day of my life to this day. She kept apologizing and saying she felt terrible that she was hurting me and breaking my heart.

    After that was on the table she seemed to want to talk more in the days after which I find annoying. It's like a build up of distancing and then you all of a sudden want me to 'be there'.

    So, that sucked and then come to find out she applied to a fulltime job in Chicago, got it and is now moved there as of last weekend. I know she is doing what she has to do in life to make money and live but it is like everything was fine and then she goes to Chicago and everything changes upside down.

    She came out this past weekend to pack up some stuff to move and I picked her and her friend (the college instructor, who she was driving back with) at the airport late Saturday night. On the car ride home I told her I was sorry that it didn't work for her in Hollywood right now and hoped she would be back to follow her dream. She replied "I'm going to Chicago, going to make enough money, move to an island and have monkey butlers". Which kinda hurt knowing that in spite she didn't want to come back. We go out to dinner one last time while she is here and I felt really out of place and sad because this girl meant so much to me and I wanted to spend my life with her and the feeling was mutual and then all crashes down. I ate 1 bite of food and felt sick. I started drawing conclusions in my head that those two were hooking up but then thought there's no way, age difference, he has kids, they are friends, etc. and I didn't get any sleep that night. He slept on the couch, she slept in her room and me in mine. But, I felt really terrible because When I was in the bathroom I swear I hear a kiss and when we all went to bed I heard her phone get a txt message (it's 3:30 in the am) All I could think about is them txting each other. IS HAPPENING!!! To make it all worse this guy is now going to be roomates with her in Chicago as he is moving and needs a place to stay until he finds a new house. ! It's like I don't matter out of the blue. I really don't think anything is going on there and that I'm just scaring myself--people are allowed to have friends and my mind may be playing tricks on me (sounds, etc.)

    We said goodbye in the morning and I gave her a goodbye card and a hug and lost it again-I was shaking. I love this woman so much and now she is leaving. She said it would be ok and that I am where I need to be and she has to go where she needs to go right now. She said she is always a phone call away at any time and that she will come visit, etc. and that I am not loosing her as a friend. So, she left and I felt even more down and out than ever. Just a quick note. The place she is moving to is paid for by her job and we co-signed the lease here in CA for a year and she intends on paying her share of the rent still. Anyway, up until this point I was talking to her. Sad, but talking. Then when she left she txted me a few times from the road asking how I was. I said I was having a difficult time and she responded it will take time but it will get better. I decided to go No Contact after that.

    Just yesterday I get a reply to a week old email from her saying she had the flu, etc. I wasn't going to respond but I just started yesterday seeing a therapist for this and they agreed it would be mature of me to at least respond once with an explanation for no contact. I did. But I believe I may have been too 'direct'. Because the thing is I still want to be with her and feel I have wrecked my chances. I just want her to figure things out because I think she is just very confused and seriously would talk to her about being together again. I told her in reply "Sorry to hear that. I hope you are feeling better. We need time and I don't feel you can be a part of my life right now- talking to you, seeing you, etc. because it gives me hope for something that may never happen and I want most but can't have. " Did I kill the possibility of ever reconciling? I wasn't thinking clearly. But by the same token I was being somewhat headstrong because I have realized I can't be friends with her as much as I may want that and even though I said it initially without a clear mind. I could not mentally and physically handle seeing her in another relationship, kiss other men, get married, etc. It hurts too much to even think of that. But, I think I know that is what's going to happen :( I also have realized that the few things she said I was doing (always being there, no pushing back) we're things I knew I did/didn't do and honestly easy fixes and things that can be worked on in a relationship. And, I didn't realize until today after thinking why I did/didn't do those small things and feel I should explain. Like I said I was doing some of that on purpose lately. But, in the end I feel a little regret for sending this message to her. Should I apologize in some fashion because she hasn't been mean and I feel like I just was. Especially since I want to have a chance maybe in the future when and if she is ready maybe. I know I'm not waiting but I know she isn't being herself for some reason. I just hate giving up and so does she! It sucks plain and simple I know she didn't mean any of this to happen. I just feel like we haven't talked or even tried to about it. It was just a done deal from her end that I still feel she is unsure of.

    I have a lot more to say but if there are any questions please ask... anything!! Thank you all for listening. Thank you a lot.
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #2

    Nov 2, 2008, 09:44 PM

    And I have to add this is even harder because she still has half of her stuff here and she doesn't know she's coming to get it. And since she is paying half the rent it isn't fair for me to ask that she take it all. Plus, she left a lot of the 'household items' because she didn't want to leave me with nothing and she will have a fully furnished place. This may make things tough unless by a miracle we can work things out. I believe we can because but if she doesn't want to then I guess there's no way to.
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Nov 2, 2008, 09:49 PM
    Oh and sorry. One small thing. Is it worth seeing a therapist over? I have been once but it is expensive. I am only going cause they understand why my mind is doing what it is doing in this new situation. I started having nightmares and not sleeping so good after the no contact. I am 3 weeks into this breakup. So is it worth it? Any experience with it or am I going to get the same info here as I would there?

    Thanks
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #4

    Nov 2, 2008, 10:49 PM

    This was my first real love and someone who I had a connection with like no other.
    Since you have no experience, and this is the first time through this, of course it hurts, and more than confusing.

    Yes, this is over, and its time to accept it, and heal, and move on. Yes it sucks big time, but it happens to everyone.

    You will go through the hurt, and time will heal you, so all I can offer is for you to read the stickies in this forum, and ask all the questions you want. Or vent, we get a lot of that here also.

    The main thing is to put your focus on you, and going back to what you were doing before you met her, and adding some people, and activities, you enjoy.

    It's a slow hard process, so you'll need a lot of patience.
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Nov 2, 2008, 11:01 PM

    Well said. I am trying to get back into the swing of things especially since I am new to the area and don't have any friends or real support system. I have definitely called my friends and family but its tough. The big thing on my mind right now is the last thing I said to her in reply to her email.

    "We need time and I don't feel you can be a part of my life right now- talking to you, seeing you, etc. because it gives me hope for something that may never happen and I want most but can't have."

    I feel like I was really cold and was said in haste- it isn't like me and don't want a cold version of me to be the last thing she may remember. If anything I feel like I want to apologize for that, especially since she hasn't been mean to me at all or ever. Is this a bad thing to do? If anything it was recommended by this therapist that I be mature about it and at least give a reason for not answering back. So, hence my other question... is it worth seeing a therapist or are they only going to give me the same answers you think? I know I may be fooling myself here and I know that to an extent. I am just looking for guidance and the best routes to take through a hard time. I have read the stickies and they help but I have this thought in the back of my mind that a professional will help me especially since I don't have anyone here.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #6

    Nov 2, 2008, 11:23 PM

    If anything I feel like I want to apologize for that
    Forget it, leave it alone, and build a life that you enjoy without her in it.
    I have this thought in the back of my mind that a professional will help me especially since I don't have anyone here.
    If that's what you need, then go for it! I won't tell you otherwise.

    In your case, he will tell you the same things you'll find here, but having an actual face to face conversation, is better. You do need to get busy though, working on you.
    TrueFaith's Avatar
    TrueFaith Posts: 1,202, Reputation: 313
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Nov 3, 2008, 02:00 AM

    I think your email was PERFECT to her man :)

    All the stuff you are feeling now is perfectly Normal.
    You feel hurt and lost.
    No Wonder! You was planing a life out with someone and they up and leave.

    Hens my view.. should always plan your life and have someone to follow you if they come.

    And can I just say WOW!
    What a read.. man I was shaking my head in parts of that story.. going What! ( are you serious)

    Well I must say you did really well. Going NC and sending that email was real class.

    I would not care about your chances she has moved off to another place. And the way she has treated you.. my friend is not the best.

    So keep on no contact.
    And work on your life.
    And let her go off to the island with monkeys on it.

    Which I might add is one of the most moronic things I have ever heard.

    Good luck man you are doing the right thing!
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #8

    Nov 3, 2008, 09:38 AM

    I am working on focusing on me right now--I am trying. It is going to be interesting because who knows when she will be back to get the rest of her stuff and since she is still a part of the lease till next year she will be in my life in some way. It is just a constant reminder! I am trying my best to start to take away the importance of things with her and meanings (it's very very hard and I seem to get very down every time I have to)... Our favorite TV shows, etc. I just feel like it is starting to eat at me too--the fact that I am realizing what she said and feeling like I want to explain to her why I hadn't been aggressive enough towards her lately.
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Nov 22, 2008, 08:38 PM

    I'm back here to talk as I'm really having a very tough day and need to just put words on paper. Since my last post I have had about a week where I felt the closest to OK I've been and then that just ended all of a sudden and I am feeling so awful. It is just this feeling of major loss. I mean nothing has ever made me cry so much or hurt so bad. I get this sick feeling from time to time if ever things cross my mind. And, that's been really tough. I will be doing something and then all of a sudden the thought of her pops into my mind and I can't shake it. Even when I'm sleeping and wake up to get a drink of water I'll be walking back to bed half out of it and then out of nowhere I get depressed. I have been trying my best to stay busy but I have yet to make any friends here in LA and everyone seems to be on their own schedule (it's really not a myth). I feel so isolated and lost right now. Even at work I am off by myself and don't get as much interaction as I like. I just don't have that person that will help me though things or go out and do stuff with. I feel like there is no real familiar comfort. I wake up, work on freelance projects, go to work sometimes long hours and come home to an 'empty' house. I know that I am not having as much fun as I should and that worries me. I know I will again--I just get concerned sometimes that this experience will break me down even more.

    I feel like I thought I was getting better day by day and now I am even worse off. I know there is nothing to I can do and that's how it is right now-that's the logic. But emotionally I am having a hard time coping with the loss of love and something we worked worked hard for.

    It's also very strange for me right now. I still have this feeling of loyalty towards her. I am always loyal to the people I care most about friends, family--that's just a part of my personality that I know I have. So, I almost feel like I am doing something against my values to just brush her off. What I am trying to figure out is what I do with this film we shot last year and were finishing up and how to go about that. I don't want to throw it by the wayside as it was one of her big goals to make as she wrote and directed it. I provided the camera gear, lights, etc. edit system, special effects, etc. But, yikes, I don't know what to do with this as it is 75% finished in post production and I have all the media for it. Do I finish it myself even though I look at it as her's and it was a team effort? Do I send her all the files to finish on her own even though I have worked on it. It's not fair to all the other crew and cast involved either to toss it on the back burner till she realizes she wants to finish it. I have my time, money and gear invested in it and she has equal contributions-It is just such a crappy place to be in because I know I must keep NC but there is so much that needs to be figured out-not just this-- Hell, half her stuff is still here. She just left so quick after being gone for so long already nothing was organized. And for me organization/understanding what's the plan is important.

    I wish things were different and she came to her senses and we could work to be back in each others lives (but that is just a dream) I just want this pain to go away and be in love with someone who can truly love me back.

    Thanks... all this has been on my mind all day at work --yes working on a Saturday :( and it obviously wouldn't feel right to talk to the other 2 people in the company about these things. I just had to try my best to hold it in. So, thanks. And feel free to weigh in on anything I have said. I do feel some comfort when I get advice.
    thadevilsadvocate's Avatar
    thadevilsadvocate Posts: 122, Reputation: 62
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Nov 22, 2008, 09:41 PM

    Hey, your feelings that you are suffering from today are normal. You can expect that you will have a week here and there that things will go okay, but then you will have days that will just crush you on the inside. I will tell you the same that everyone else on here will, and that is that the days will get easier. I can understand that you feel like you were harsh in your email to her, and of course you feel like what you have said possibly ruined any chance of the two of you ever being together again, however, thinking like that, is something you are going to need to let go of. To put your mind a little at ease though, take in to account that she told you that she told you that you were "too there for her, and that you weren't pushing her buttons...". Well, your email is neither of those. In addition, you need to realize that she wasn't exactly the nicest person to you. Of course she wasn't a b!tch verbally to you, but emotionally, she screwed you badly. You didn't say anything bad at all in that email. You said exactly what you needed to, and now you need to do exactly what you said.

    She did you wrong, no matter how you want to look at it, and it is natural for you to want to sit there and defend her in your mind by saying that she was doing her part and she was giving 100%, but the truth is that she wasn't, otherwise the two of you would be together. It doesn't matter what her reasons are for giving up on your relationship, but the point is that she couldn't hold up her end of the deal and she gave up. There is no excuse for that, and that is why you are better off building a life without her in it. You don't need someone like that in your life. You don't owe her anything and you need to remember that. You gave your all, she didn't and that is something that will be important for you to remember as you go through this recovery period.

    Take whatever is hers in your apt, or house and put it in a closet if you can. Put it out of your site and if you need to replace it with something new. Take anything that reminds you of her and put it in a box and in a closet... if you need to, throw it all away. If that video is really bugging you, then just send it to her and tell her she can do whatever it is that she wants with it... and leave it in her hands.

    Get in gear and do things that you have never done before. Try new restaurants, cook new food, go to new places, and do things just as yourself. Yes, it would be nice to know people and it would be nice to just have someone to hang out with here and there, but don't worry about anyone else right now. Just love yourself. Just enjoy this alone time. You will have the rest of your life to spend with other people. In addition, take this time to work towards your goals, and motivate yourself by knowing that if you work hard and things start rolling your way, you will feel good about yourself. Then if you really wanted to be back with this girl, you will be in a much greater place, and she probably will still be where she is now, and then you will be the one that gets to make the decisions... but don't necessarily count on her wanting you, but thinking like this, will help you motivate yourself to work hard, and make yourself better, and you will be amazed how things start going your way.

    Also, get to a gym. It will help you relieve stress, take your mind off things, and you will feel great about how you look and feel.

    In your alone time, watch movies, read, write, go sightseeing, and even just go walking or biking just for the heck of it.

    And, of course keep coming on here and venting and reading. You aren't alone, and we are all here for you.
    NSaldana's Avatar
    NSaldana Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Nov 22, 2008, 09:49 PM
    I don't want to be presumed as a preacher but the best advice is to grab the Bible and just as soon as you open the pages where your eyes fall start reading and you will see that all will be well.
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #12

    Nov 22, 2008, 11:25 PM

    I know that in time things will be OK. It just has been tough not having any sort of familiarity for a few months now. I know deep down some of my thoughts and fears aren't true but it's so hard to see past them right now. I am obviously fearing I have lost 'the one' in my mind and that no other woman will ever love me the same way (when things were good) or look at me with that special look (one of the hardest things to think about) or do any of the nice and amazing sweet things my ex ever did, etc. These are just a few of the recent things that cross my mind (which I know is totally untrue and had never been a thought ever before). I always put all my effort into anything I do and our relationship was the forefront of that. I just worry myself that I won't put as much effort in next time so I won't be as hurt if things don't work (even though I know I will). I just want to make sure I don't loose that and I fear that. I just hope no matter what she ends up happy with her life. I love her and that's what I know I want for her it's so hard to part with that.

    I already put away everything special to me. I had always saved every movie ticket every little everything from when we went places or did anything and kept them in a special box with letters from her, etc. I am actually going to take it and send it to my brother's house to hold on to and stash away for me. Because the closet is not good enough for that and I can't stand to throw that stuff out just yet. It really isn't right in my mind to toss that out, especially if something ever changed.

    As for her stuff. I grouped as much of it as I could and tried to stash it away. The hard part is the fact that this was 'our place'. We decorated the whole place together and now that is just depressing me. So, I guess I'm going to switch a lot up when I get the chance. It is such a messy situation though. Because she is still obligated to the lease and, well, hasn't paid dime one so far of her own money. I am not about to cover all of the rest of the lease while she lives free in Chicago (her place is paid for by her employer) and stores all of her stuff here. And, what's worse is this 38 year old guy friend of hers, who I don't think is anything more than a friend is also her room-mate and he has money to get his own place. I feel a little taken advantage of on that. This next month will be the test to see if she actually will help on the lease she signed. Up until the break I was totally cool with investing in our future and helping her while she was lining up a new job but once that future has been decided not to continue by her I can't and won't do that. Plus, there has to be some responsibility on her part that she can't just make these decisions and not see any consequences. I am just so confused how someone could change so much, so quickly. I am just heartbroken too in the fact I feel some of this was coached by her 'friend' for what reasons I don't know. I just get that feeling.

    I will keep trying though and making the effort everyday to move on. But, I hate how different it feels at the same time.
    High Max's Avatar
    High Max Posts: 271, Reputation: 43
    Full Member
     
    #13

    Nov 23, 2008, 06:05 AM

    I just read this, and my heart goes out to you. I am almost certain that after reading this and seeing the signs, this man is the cause of your problems.

    It's interesting that things are going great, until she meets this new guy, isn't it? She dyes her hair, buys new clothes when she is going to Chicago, which is where I am assuming she met him. This woman is as good as vermin. She dragged you all the way out to LA, and then when sugar daddy college professor comes along, she up and leaves you.

    Do not feel bad about this. This goes to show that even in long lasting relationships, that people can still show their true colors no matter how much you may think you know them, or no matter how nice they are to you at one particular moment.

    I also like how she mentions that you "arent challenging" anymore. This sounds like something a high school girl would go for. Up and moving in with some guy you've been talking with for awhile also is something that a young, childish girl would do.

    You put in your all, you get dragged to LA, presumably for HER interests and dreams, she SCREWS you for some older guy, and now she is going to try and SCREW you again by ditching you and leaving you with this lease. Tell her that you are paying half and giving it to the land lord, and that you'll be damned if you are paying that whole thing, that you'll let the land lord ruin both of your credit scores and take you both to court before you do so. I have done this and got the money out of someone before.

    You seem like a really nice guy, but stand up for yourself now and show her that what she did to you, how she betrayed your trust and let herself open up to this new guy was an absolute attrocity considering the amount of sacrafices you've made for her. Let her see the new you, a real man who doesn't stand for high school girl games. Make her pay.
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #14

    Nov 23, 2008, 02:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by High Max View Post
    I just read this, and my heart goes out to you. I am almost certain that after reading this and seeing the signs, this man is the cause of your problems.

    It's interesting that things are going great, until she meets this new guy, isn't it? She dyes her hair, buys new clothes when she is going to Chicago, which is where I am assuming she met him. This woman is as good as vermin. She dragged you all the way out to LA, and then when sugar daddy college professor comes along, she up and leaves you.

    Do not feel bad about this. This goes to show that even in long lasting relationships, that people can still show their true colors no matter how much you may think you know them, or no matter how nice they are to you at one particular moment.

    I also like how she mentions that you "arent challenging" anymore. This sounds like something a high school girl would go for. Up and moving in with some guy you've been talking with for awhile also is something that a young, childish girl would do.

    You put in your all, you get dragged to LA, presumably for HER interests and dreams, she SCREWS you for some older guy, and now she is going to try and SCREW you again by ditching you and leaving you with this lease. Tell her that you are paying half and giving it to the land lord, and that you'll be damned if you are paying that whole thing, that you'll let the land lord ruin both of your credit scores and take you both to court before you do so. I have done this and got the money out of someone before.

    You seem like a really nice guy, but stand up for yourself now and show her that what she did to you, how she betrayed your trust and let herself open up to this new guy was an absolute attrocity considering the amount of sacrafices you've made for her. Go ahead and let her see the new you, a real man who doesn't stand for high school girl games. Make her pay.
    It's not that she met this guy. She has known this guy since she was in college 4 years ago. I surely hope there is nothing going on as it is plain weird.

    Yes I find it very interesting and depressing that she goes to Chicago for what was supposed to be a week or 2 and then all is not well. There were never any signs before that trip.

    Just to make one thing clear though. She didn't drag me to l.a. we went together not just for 'us' but for the opportunities. It was my dream too which is why it is hard not having her a part of it.

    Yes, people do show their true colors. And that is something I am trying to wrap my head around. It's just there were more than 'particular moments'--try everyday... every day was amazing in some way or another. I went to bed knowing and feeling I was very lucky to have found someone (who I thought was the one) and who was like no one I had ever met in my life. I meant every "i love you" and was, well, very aware that I had something very special.

    I am also quite sad too at the challenge aspect. Exactly! I hate to sum things up as a game. And while that was never the case that reason for not wanting to be together is so thin and I feel once again like it was coached. --even when she told me all of these few things it was so scripted like she had been given lines to read.

    I know I will stand up and 'fight back' on some of these things but being NC makes that difficult. I think I will wait another month and see what may come of things. The problem is she knows I have enough money to cover things and even though she said she knows she still has the responsibility of rent I am worried that will 'slip' her mind.

    It just is terrible because I still know she is a good person and don't want to be mean to her--because 1.) that's not me, 2.) even through it all she never was mean to me. Plus, don't yell at me, but if I do go about things in a very direct and mean manner then I feel I would loose any chance in the future if things ever changed. --something still feels not right about it all. I am so sad inside because I feel like I must throw away a friend and someone who I loved to death. Maybe it's me just mourning the loss of really being in love still.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #15

    Nov 23, 2008, 03:36 PM

    Yeah it sucks for quite a while, but after you mourn the death of this relationship, it gets better.
    thadevilsadvocate's Avatar
    thadevilsadvocate Posts: 122, Reputation: 62
    Junior Member
     
    #16

    Nov 23, 2008, 06:04 PM

    By not being straightforward and stern , and instead just being nice and genuine, you will not be standing up for yourself and your moral beliefs, and also you will be doing exactly what she dislikes, and that is being to easy about things and not pushing enough of her buttons. By being to easy and not showing that you are a man and you won't just be walked all over, that will give you more of a chance of anything ever happening again more than being nice will... but still, the reality is, you need to not think about if it will ever happen again... that is not in your hands or her hands. She has things to learn and you have a life to continue to live and if it ever comes to you two being together it again it will be by force of nature or at the hands of someone or something other than you or her.
    LifeChangesMan's Avatar
    LifeChangesMan Posts: 329, Reputation: 39
    Full Member
     
    #17

    Nov 23, 2008, 06:16 PM
    Hey pal, I can see you already have more posts then your original, and I wanted to say first I know it absolutely sucks right now but it WILL get better I promise you, and post on this site as much as you want and need I'll try my best to keep up and help you out just like everyone else was. The email and everything was done with class and the right thing to do for the circumstances, I suggest getting in a ritual with yourself and your friends maybe like work and the gym is good to kill time and get it out. Take it one day at a time my friend.
    korben7's Avatar
    korben7 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #18

    Nov 23, 2008, 07:35 PM

    Thanks guys! I definitely appreciate the conversation. Thanks LCM, it gives me a little bit of comfort to know absolute strangers will be there for you and that people have hearts.

    I won't be walked over that much is true. I am just very lost and confused right now. Especially being NC for about a month now trying to figure out how to push things if she doesn't follow though. It is so overwhelming and I am so sick of being alone. You have to remember before all this went down she had already been in Chicago temporarily for 1.5 months working and then all this happens. I know I can't change any of it. I am just so sad as I haven't made any friends yet and, well, I feel abandoned too.

    Just this afternoon I went out to the mall and downtown just to walk around and be around people it was nice but everything has felt so weird since losing her for one and also when I look around I don't know anyone. I know it will get better-it has to. I just was least expecting my life to take such a downward spiral. I'm almost 23 and feel like this isn't how my life should be. But again there is nothing I can do. I want so bad to shake these empty feelings. I never thought of these days when I would be huddled up and crying over someone.

    I have to say this really is messing with me. I also started to get new things to organize the house. A lot of the kitchen stuff is hers but she left it all so I would have something to use-she said she even though she broke up with me she still had a heart. But, I don't want any of this stuff because it makes me sad. It is so ridiculous when I think about it but it hurts so bad to even use the toaster or the dishes. So, I am slowly getting new stuff and will continue to pile that stuff with the other items she left. I just wish I could understand and above all else I wish I wasn't alone.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #19

    Nov 23, 2008, 07:48 PM

    This happens to all the fellas (and females) at one time, or another so you are never alone for sure, ask any one here.
    turtleneck123's Avatar
    turtleneck123 Posts: 59, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #20

    Nov 23, 2008, 08:23 PM

    I feel your pain man. I was in the 3.5 year long distance relationship, saw her last weekend, and now she needs time. It just doesn't make sense, just like your situation, but we both have no control over it. I too have that slim hope we will be back together, I'm just hoping to shake it soon. Or maybe get closure after I see her in a month.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Hard break up [ 6 Answers ]

All right.. here goes nothing, So it's been about 2 months or so since my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Let me start by saying I thought she was the most amazing person in the world, and I was the luckiest guy on our planet earth. I loved her so much to the point I could cry just out of...

Hard break up [ 17 Answers ]

All right.. here goes nothing, So it's been about 2 months or so since my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Let me start by saying I thought she was the most amazing person in the world, and I was the luckiest guy on our planet earth. I loved her so much to the point I could cry just out of...

Break, feel depressed, what should I do? Very hard [ 6 Answers ]

Hey guys. Well recently my girlfriend wanted a break. I don't know what to do. I told her to be happy and I respect the fact she wants a break. I was heart broken. She said she was tired of trying because she has school and etc. She missed a week of school, so she has so much to make up. I asked if...

If someone wants a break! This will benefit a lot of guys.will be hard. [ 2 Answers ]

Its taken me a hell of a long time and a lot of posts to realise this but if you ex asks you for a break , break up or whatever you should not even ask for the reason or not even want to know the reason. This may sound stupid and some people may say well I want to know why they want to have the...


View more questions Search