[korben7]

That's what is so hard as well... besides everything. There doesn't feel like there is a sense of closure, especially since nothing 'bad' happened.

Just out of curiosity why are you going to see her in a month turtleneck123? All I know is when mine came back to get half her stuff it was so incredibly hard to handle because it felt like someone waving something you want so bad right in front of your face that you can't have but multiplied by a million and she brought along her friend she is living with now--the one who I feel sabotaged this in some ways. I didn't sleep for a whole day and a half while she was here and after she left.

It's so hard to let go and go through this roller coaster. Hell, just since my last post I feel a little different and then will keep relapsing and loose it again. I just can't stop thinking of a million different things. Her, every day we spent together, the kissing, cuddling, etc. and then I think if I will ever find someone like that ever again, and then hoping that will happen soon even though I can't give myself right now to someone, then I think of how will I know love again, :( just all these thoughts that I can't answer. What I wouldn't give to have her in my arms right now.

And best of luck turtleneck123, stay strong. It's so hard I know. But that's all we can try to do I guess. Easier said then done--i know.

[turtleneck123]

Everything was cool with the relationship from what she says, its just the distance. (I don't know if I believe what she says or not) but anyway, I didn't try to argue with her or yell or anything. She said she just needed time for herself ad wanted to be alone right now. We are seeing each other in a month because I always go up there after xmas, I plan to see other people, and I do want to see her. I said I wasn't going and she offered to pay (when she doesn't have much money), so I said ill go as long as I'm not going to be just a friend up there to you, it will be too hard. She said we will never be friends, doesn't want to be friends, wants it to be "us" like it has always been. She said "why would it be any different? you will be up here now and thats all that I want" because I am no longer contacting her, I told her that if the situation changes, i.e.. She is seeing someone else, feelings change, etc. let me know and I won't come.

I guess I'm going because I will have fun up there regardless, as long as she keeps to what she has said. If we were on bad terms right now, I wouldn't be staying with her, but we aren't. But, there is a month for bad terms to develop. I figure seeing her will give me closure and know that it would be a fantasy to come true if we got back together. I want to stay on good terms with her, if she doesn't handle things the wrong way. Because there is a good chance I will be living close to where she is now in a couple years, and if there is no bad blood, anything is possible again. However, from my one past experience, once I get over a girl, I'm done with her for good. But that did end on very bad terms. This girl has not hurt me yet with someone else, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did.

It has only been a few days, but because I am studying for law school finals, just sitting around all day studying, it is on my mind constantly. This board has helped out a lot though. My feelings bounce back and forth throughout the day; being sad, confused as to why someone would do this, angry that she is doing this, betrayed. I even had a moment yesterday where I thought I should be trying to contact her and get her back.

Similar to your situation, there is no closure, because nothing bad happened yet that I know of. I have lost tons of sleep over her, because I just lay there at night trying to wonder what will happen, why, and just praying to move on. I have been in the situation before, and it takes time. You feel like you messed up and she is the greatest thing in the world. Her true character will show in times like these. I think she is hurting right now and/or will be hurting in the future from the decision, but there is nothing I can do any linger, it is out o my hands. I can almost respect her needing time, if she truly is confused. But if she were to be out hooking up with guys right away, this and that, I would be hurt, but it would reveal her true character and help me to move on. I still want to see her, even though it runs through my mind all the time, if it is a good idea to see her or not. I'm leaning towards it will be OK, well have fun, maybe she'll realize what she is giving up, who knows. Thanks for taking the time to listen and if you got anything to say, feel free to message me back. Once I get talking on this I don't stop, but it feels a lot better and I will listen whenever you need to post. Talking about it has definitely helped.

[thadevilsadvocate]

Turtle and korben, both of you feel the lack of closure and what you must realize is that the closure won't happen until you make it happen. They are in no way going to attempt to make closure, because the reality is, that when people break up or need time, they want to have their cake and eat it too. They aren't going to sit there and say that there is no chance that you guys will ever be together again... they want to be able to go out and do what they want and be able to have you there in case things don't work out with anyone else. No matter how nice the girl was or how good your relationship was, you must remember, it is exactly that, it WAS, and no longer IS. You will lose your mind waiting around for closure, and most likely that closure is not going to be her telling you what she realized that she did or anything like that... but rather you will find out that she is dating another guy, and that will be your closure. They want to let you down as easy as possible, because they know that what they are doing is messed up, but even though they know this, they are thinking only about themselves when doing this, and that is the reason they are following through with it. They are getting exactly everything they want right now, and you are having to suffer. As long as you continue to communicate with them, then they will never think twice about you. As long as they keep you happy, then they won't have to worry about you causing problems, or them feeling bad about what they did. They will continue to think that they did the right thing.

Now when you cut off the communication, you are able to start thinking about yourself (remember, she is only thinking about herself right now, that is why you are no longer together) and you are able to start healing. Also, she doesn't have that security blanket anymore, as she will then have to realize that she was not fair about things, and was being selfish. Also, you have to be the one making the decisions and letting her be on the other end of it. You aren't being mean, but rather you are just being a man. You are showing that you can make your own decisions, and if she wants to be a part of them, then she will have to come to you, and if not then, well, your life is going to go on.

You are basically letting her drive you in your car, and you don't even know where the heck you are going. You are letting her have all the control in the world, and she is the one that is being selfish, or in your case korben, she screwed you over. You can make up whatever excuses you want for her, and you will, and that is natural, trust me, but the simple and plain fact is that she screwed you over.

It's almost as though you are waiting for her permission for you to love again, but she has already made up her mind about that on her own. She isn't sitting waiting for you to giver her permission for anything, and she definitely didn't even give you an opinion in deciding the fate of your relationship, which you both invested the same amount of time in. She hasn't given you any say in anything, and she has made all her decisions without you being allowed to even have any input. Don't you see it? That is why it is up to you to pick your pride up, and it is up to you to cut off communications and stop worry about what she is going to think. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but you need to start looking at all the good things that you did, and all the bad things that she did and realize who you are and that if she doesn't want all that you had to offer, then it is her loss. Be proud of who you are and never overlook the reality of what was done here.

If you invested a whole bunch of money in a bank and they just decided they were going to put it in a paper shredder and you didn't even get any say in it... how would you feel? This is no different than what she did with your relationship and your heart.

You are way better than this girl, and she has issues of her own, and you don't need, in any way, anything to do with her for a long time. You don't want to surround yourself with people who are capable of doing these things. You are worthy of better and there are better people out there. Don't look for them, instead be yourself and they will find you. I know it is tough because you don't know anybody there, but over time you will meet people. As for now, buckle down on your career, put money away, work on those personal goals of yours, and as you do that, things around you will start to change, seriously. Things will just start to fall in to place.

[korben7]

I have cut communication. I have been NC since she came to get half of her stuff a month ago. Obviously I couldn't be NC in that situation. Believe me I am trying to think about myself but it is hard to shake thoughts of her. I mean you can't just immediately stop loving someone--at least I can't. I know she didn't leave me in a very good position. And, it's not that I am waiting for permission to love again. Obviously the wounds are still fresh but I feel (perhaps just in this moment) like I won't ever be as excited to be with someone as I was with her. I know a lot of this is in the moment but I have a hard time knowing I will probably never get to be with her. It's just hard to let go after knowing her for so long and so well. I know people change but it was just so quick it is hard to adjust. I know it's silly to think as I know it's not my fault but I just have created a lot of new fear for myself in terms of knowing people. I have always been a trusting person and now I feel like that along with a lot of other things has gone out for the window and hope they come back sooner than later. It's crazy how one person can have such a hold on you even when you need to get over them as sad as that is for me to handle(as it's the only thing that can be done).

I do see the fact as you mentioned that she didn't give me any input on anything about this and that does make me angry. Like I said it was just so scripted when she told me out of the blue how she felt.

Aside from losing her I also realize that I miss love (real real love as we shared) and want so bad to be in it again as I felt on top of the world every single day I was with her-no lie. And, obviously everything is better when you are in it and now without the feeling of love back everything for me seems a bit more dull, etc. I am sure that's normal but geez, this pat month and a half feels like forever already.

[busterite]

Korben I promise that you will love again but first you need to start loving and taking care of yourself again. From the way you talk about her even after all she has taken you through you sound like someone that still has a lot to give and I guarantee that once you stand on your own two feet you will find someone. You had painted a picture of your future with her in it and you were really happy with it and now that has been destroyed but in time after re assessing your position and based on new experiences you will recreate a better one. Right now don't think of the future, take it one day at a time. The days will turn into weeks, then months and you will soon be standing on your own two feet stronger than before.

As for the fear you feel you will see that in time it will work to your advantage as a survival mechanism and will help you in making better choices in the future.

[korben7]

I really am trying to be happy with myself again. It just sucks because thoughts always seem to cloud everything up if I have a good day or if I am happy for a bit or just in general. I think it's because I always associated being happy with thoughts of her and doing things with her, etc. which was the ultimate for me. So, I suppose I need to try to break that subconscious connection if possible-but how is the question, just time? I also know at times I feel like I'm forcing myself to not think about things by going out and walking around downtown, keeping busy, etc. and I just can't keep myself from catching the fact that I am trying to outsmart myself and I think that makes it worse sometimes. I know this all takes time. It's just so devastating. Just last night I went to bed realizing the bed was empty, even though it has been for a few months now since she has been gone. I trust in what others say here. If it's going to to be OK, it's going to be OK.

I know I was working on painting a happy future with her as you mentioned busterbite and now that is destroyed and that is so hard to adjust to being so happy and then one day that all grinds to a halt and you feel sick to your stomach for weeks and months. And, even though I want to be happy right now it just doesn't feel right in some way if that makes sense.

[busterite]

It makes perfect sense. I was the same. And I understand that you feel you have lost that driving force (at least that's how I felt) but with time that habit will fade away and you will bridge the gap.

You won't be happy with yourself again overnight. It will take some time so don't stress too much over it. You have got the will to be happy and the fact that you feel you need to go out and be amongst people instead of staying at home all day is a good sign I think.

During my first 2 months I was feeling the way you are. I was constantly like a zombie. I just wanted to be happy again. I went on two trips with some new friends, started going out more and just meeting new people, picked up my hobbies again (photography and music) started going to the gym and playing basketball again. I just packed my days with so much stuff so I wouldn't have to stay at home. And many of those days I still felt like crap and my thoughts were still always racing. But with time it fades away. I can't say I never think of it anymore but nowhere near to where I was. Volunteering is another good way. Go to your local youth centre or old peoples home or anything and just volunteer.

[kctiger]

Volunteering is an awesome way to vent. Too often do we get caught up in our own problems and we don't realize how lucky we really are, until we get involved in other's lives who have it a whole lot worse than we do.

[korben7]

Hi all. Just wanted to drop in an update this thread on my status. I went back home up to Oregon for Thanksgiving (got to spend 3 days). I felt a little better as I was able to be with family and friends for once in 4 or 5 months. I wish I could have stayed as I felt happier in some ways.

Even though I have talked to some of the people who I used to work with and who are my best friends and who are like family to me about this situation it was good to talk to them in person. Everyone where we both used to work has found out about this situation somehow or another little to my knowledge. And, when I was back for those few days I felt a tremendous amount of support. One of my good friends who is in his early 40s (who I didn't tell about this) asked me how things were going in California. I said all right. And he said that's good but heard I was having some 'trouble'. He knew both of us really well and he said he couldn't hold back and hoped it wouldn't offend me but when he found out about this a little while back he got really angry and mad that someone had taken advantage of me like that--especially since we were all friends. He said that she was a 'bad person' (even though it was hard for a friend to say about another friend) for doing all of this and bailing like she did. Everyone knows the real facts I guess (not 3rd hand) so it isn't just a shot in the dark for someone to say that. Another one of my good friends said the same thing and that this was all very selfish when I was giving my all to make a better life for us both. Everyone, just as I, is sad this happened. It was also sad in some ways to hear (because we're all friends) but a lot of people said that she would get a very cold shoulder if she ever came back to visit everyone there (not like she would). I felt this unanimous animosity against her from all of them... and yet they were all friends with both of us. So does that say something I guess? So, it is comforting in a way to know that I have real genuine people who care about me is mutual might I add.

I also started playing around with the idea of going and moving back. Even though my job in California is pretty cool I am not as happy as I could be. I really want to go back because I felt happier when I was back for a few days and everything seemed more real there to me. One of my friends basically told me 'welcome to the fact that the grass isn't always greener on the other side'. Everyone made me promise that I try this out a little longer and if I am still not happy I should come 'home'. It's so surreal to hear friends of all ages and walks of life tell you to go for it but in the end I shouldn't feel like I have failed if I come back. I think I will try and stick it out at least until the end of the lease in July. I don't know, California is cool and all but the people (which are more important for me) seem more real in Oregon. I don't even know how that's possible. Anyway...

So, the last piece of recent news. I haven't heard anything from my ex since I went NC a month and a half ago or so. I was expecting to see a rent check or something as she owes money on this lease and hasn't paid dime one for anything. That and the fact she has half or more of her stuff still here. I am not breaking NC though. She is a big girl and knows she has that responsibility--especially since she is currently living rent free and took that one guy in as a roommate (still weird as far as I'm concerned). But, yesterday I get this txt from her saying 'I know you don't want to talk to me', she went on to ask if I saw that a vague (and I mean vague) acquaintance of ours had a heart attack in a somewhat joking matter (they were fine by the way). This guy who had the heart attack is an actor and regularly emails mass updates to people he 'knows' and that was in one of them. She already knows that I get those emails too. So, you think she was just trying to establish contact again by using a current event, especially when I know we both aren't even close to this person by a long shot? I didn't write back of course but I felt this weird energy from it like she was trying to get me to talk to her. I read between the lines--especially when I know how she writes things.

One last thing. I am know feeling numb about the whole situation/breakup. I know feel like if she ever did come back, which I feel she may try at some point, I couldn't take her back so easy--even though I want her, it would take a lot. So I guess that's good right? But, also I am feeling numb about more than that and need to start steering myself back to being who I really am and get out of this fog. I feel a little out of touch after all this pain and sadness and am not the usual bunches of fun as I was before all this.

Anyway. I hope to talk to you all soon, and as always feel free to question anything or if there is more I can clarify about all this just let me know ;)

Thanks

[JohnD212]

Sounds like you've made good progress. I am probably in the boat where you were about a month or so ago. I've only been NC for about a week and its very hard. Its good to hear it does get better. I think often when we've had something really effect us its natural to want to make more changes in our lives... such a move to a new location.

Good luck to you. You give people like me (still suffering) hope that it will get better at some point.

[korben7]

John D212 I essentially just moved down here to California from there and feel like I want to go back so we'll see what happens. And, I am still suffering so I am right there with you!! At least the random crying has stopped for the most part for me.

[korben7]

Well, my NC was broken unfortunately. Not by me and not by choice. I randomly got an email from her saying she was going to start paying me back for a large sum of money I let her borrow and that she was going to start paying rent-FINALLY. Here is what she said in her email... I hope that I can get some feedback and better perspective by asking you all.

"So yesterday I FINALLY was paid for that freelance gig 2 months ago. Anyways, once I get it deposited I should be able to pay you all the money I owe you. Also I will finally be paid by my job on Tuesday December 16th. (We get paid monthly, sucks). So I should have December's rent for you.

What email is good for paypal? Just want to make sure I use the correct one.

Then next week 900 for rent. Is that the correct amount for rent now?

I hope you're doing well. Sorry for the delay, people have been taking their sweet time and can't do anything about only being paid monthly."

So, that was very depressing just even getting an email. I respond with my paypay email address and that's it. I say "My yahoo email one is fine" and that's it. I felt like I was being very mean even though I probably wasn't. Then, one of my good friends came up with a plan that actually made a lot of sense. She should hold onto that money for the moment and use it to come and get her things and then work on paying it back. So with that I emailed her shortly after inquiring when she is planning on getting the rest of her things (which is a lot). And, since she hasn't paid rent up until this point it isn't fair and even bigger--it's next to impossible to move on when it's all here.

I get this response for asking simply when she was going to get her things.

"Isn't our lease until June? Cause I was planning on keeping it there until June, coming out there, and shipping it back."

That's 6 months away :( Anyway, I was online talking to my brother on Facebook chat during downtime at work (post-production has a lot of that) and up pops a new chat window--she saw I was online and, well, this is the conversation--hope we can pick it apart and hopefully I didn't fail at the situation. I just felt like I was being very mean which isn't like me--but I know I have to put up a strong front. The part I find most interesting is where she mentions she fails at being a friend or anything else... what does that mean--anything else?

Her
Hey, did you get my email back?

Me
yes

Her
K...
Everything going OK?

Her
and our lease is until June correct?

Me
the job is good
and yes the lease is till the end of June

Her
Good. I'm glad the job is going well.
Why are you typing stuff and not sending it?
:P

Me
I'm at work. How is your job?

Her
It's good. Slow month because the semester ended. But January will be busy with a bunch of shows I'm having the students produce
and I've been freelancing too. So 16 hour days sometimes.
Someone in Sherman Oaks, CA wanted to finally hire me. Haha.

Me
a little late now

Her
Makes me wonder how long ago I applied to that job.

Me
I don't know

Her
me either


Her
going home for xmas too?

Me
no

Her
y not?

Me
beause time off work
etc

Her
:/
whyd you ask about my stuff?
did u get your own stuff and need room?

Me
I was going to be and I'm not going to lie or hide it--I NEED TO GET OVER YOU

Her
meh
OK
I KNOW that.

Me
I was curious to when you were going to get your stuff

Her
Not at the moment.
and I don't have time off to come and get it... I just figured it could stay in my 900.00 a month storage unit until I move it back here and it can go in a 50.00 a month one
hrh
hehe even.


Her
If you want to move it into my bedroom that's fine. I originally didn't want to take it all either because I didn't want to just leave you high and dry with nothing

Me
I know you said that

Her
I'm sorry if its making it more difficult for you if its around.
I'm not trying to hurt you by it.

Her
I never wanted to hurt you to begin with.
Apparently I just FAIL at being a friend or anything else.

Me
things change I guess

Her
Yes
but I never stopped wanting to be your friend.

Me
it is hard to see you differently though
and that's all I'm going to say

Her
I was your friend before any of this happened.

Me
I know but things change us
and decisions do have effects

Her
because I had to take a job?

Me
no and I don't feel it is appropriate to talk about this now.

Her
k

Me
I need to get back to rendering things
have a good holiday

Her
k

Her
you too
bye

-----------------------------------

So, that happens and I go home and I see I have a paypal payment which makes me a little angered because I didn't know she was going to paypal $1,400 at once which while convenient for her I get hit with a $100 transfer charge and can only take $500 out of my paypal to my bank account per month--argh! I am going to make sure to request a check for next months rent because that was such a waste that I didn't even ask for--it just showed up. I am so confused because I can't tell if she is really trying to start making amends or what. All I know is she is going to be responsible for 2 or 3 months back rent and any months in the future that her stuff is here. :( I feel so awful because on one hand I want to understand (and do understand) her current situation, but then friends will tell me I owe her nothing and I should sell her things (which I could never do). What do you think is going on inside her head and what should I do to navigate the next few months? It just suck because I can't move on and get, say, a new couch, etc. because there is no place to put it with all her stuff here. And, it doesn't seem she is coming back and even if she did I couldn't take her back unless she were to fly out here tomorrow on her own will and sincerely show me that things are different.--I just can't trust her--like a flip of a switch she changed.

[zeeniee]

HI Korben 7, I am sorry to hear of your loss and news.
YOU should send her stuff back to her asap, get the movers in, get them to pack it and ship it off. Then drop an email saying when her stuff is arriving. PERIOD. It is the best thingto do- you will feel relieved and you will breathe again. You can then spend time making your home- YOURS and move on bit by bit. I had to do the same thing, I was to marry my ex- we were 3 months from the wedding, I knew him for 9 years. SADLY I found out he was cheating. He just packed his suitcase and left to the UK and said he willpick his stuff up in 6 months time. It was horrible and I went insane day by day. One day I just snapped and sent his stuff back- it took 2 days to do this. It was v hard and I cried a lot, but I felt free in a strange way. I also realised it was easier for me to do this by myself, it would have been so much harder for me to watch him come to my place, have access to my place and watch him pack 6 months from now. Get her stuff out- and then get a flatmate in, who can help with your rent! That is what I did, we had a lease for 2 years for a 3 bedroom apartment- there is no way I can pay 2 thousand pounds a month here in Singapore by myself- and so now I sub let the two rooms and god it is such a relief money wise. At least now, his stuff is gone, I am not skint and I can breathe and slowly mend my life. Most imporatntly I know that despite everything is a mess, at least I can treat myself with a few things and know I don't have to worry- after 4 months of heartache, I now have made plans to do some travelling around asia. I would not be able to do this, if his stuff was still here in the apartment and if I did not get tenants in. I to am alone in Singapore, my family and many friends are in the UK. Nevertheless I make a point at look at what I have hear and say to myslef- I am OK, look I have a nice place tolive, a good job, lovely sunny weather and now I will do some travelling. Some people in the world don't even have this and so I must appreciate what I have right now and somehow must get through a day one day at a time.
So :
Send her stuff back
Sort your place out
Get a room mate in
And slowly slowly before your know it life will be better than it was yesterday.

Good luck!

[zeeniee]

Another thing- my ex owes me a lot of money as well, what did I do, I let it all go. NEVER ASKed him for a penny- it is not worth the heart ache at all. WHAT DID I DO: I refinance totally, cut my spends, got tenants in etc and I decided to live like a v poor student and just cover the mess. Today I have recovered the money I lost + now have a better budget for me to work with. I feel free, independent now. I still miss my ex- I knew him for 9 years, engaged for 4 and he was my bestes friend.
FUnnily enough, you would believe it if I told you he is still coming to SIngapore, next Sunday. Its v strange as he has no reason to come here now, but he is and he is coming with his new girlfriend! And he wants to see me. I can't breathe as I can't see him. I am in shock that he is coming 2 days before our anniversary and 3 weeks off our wedding date. Its v heartbreaking indeed and shocking as just like that he flipped and changed!

[zeeniee]

I realised now that I have to help myself, and do what is right for me- there is no being mean doing that. I have to secure myself here in Singapore. PERIOD. I have to also make a new life without him- now that is v hard and right now v impossible. My days right now are I go to work, go to the gym and go home. Occasionaly I go out with work friends. My weekends are spent in tears and then eventually I do get up and go to the gym and feel the sunrays on my skin. I am now at the point where I have to justthink about what will I do today, what will I do this week. I can't even think about the future- I am scared. The only thing I do think of is travelling, as I love it. I normally work very hard and then in between go travelling on my leave dates. Now I realise this is what will keep me going, and so I have started to make v small plans for next March- but I am scared as my travelling friend was my ex and so I feel the empty hole inside me. It will take me a v long time, to adjust a life without him, I don't know how I am going to do this, but ihave to doit. PERIOD. Wish you all the best!

[expat2009]

hey Korben, I've been reading this thread for the last hour. I am in a similar situation to you in which moving on --from a 20month relationship-- has become very hard, especially because I am far away from home by myself. I'm 26 and work full time in Australia --been here for the past 5 years. Im from Latin America originally so the cultural difference and distance from home is certainly a challenge.

First off, my relationship was --as yours-- perfect. Amazing girl, born here, 23 now, everything I wanted in a person, from values --european parents so very similar to mine-- to physical appearance. In many ways, I thought this was the one, and I was the one for her. Then things started to change a couple of months ago, she became colder week by week, a bit more distant... I just didn't see that sparkle in her eye anymore. So two weeks ago exactly, out of the blue, she gives me the "i think we need a break, im not sure what my feelings are, im confused, i dont know myself, im immature, i love you and care for you but im not sure if im in love with you anymore..i need some time to think, some time for myself, its not you its me" ----ouch, I felt like my whole world came crumbling down mate. At that point in time, I said, this ends here, there is no return, we are officially over, she assured me that she didn't like anyone else either, and after crying for an hour or so, she hugged me and left. After 5 excruciating days, of hardly any sleep and eating (lost 10lbs) I gave in and called her... I told her I had overreacted and to me it was impossible to accept she had no more feelings for me, I said what we had was amazing and could not be thrown out of the window just like that so if she wanted time and space, take it, its yours. She said she didn't know how long she needed but accepted.

Anyway, this was 10 days ago, and Im dying to talk to her, this NC is sooo hard because I love her and miss her so much, but I know it's the right thing to do as everyone of my friends has said the same things, as well as what I've read in here. What makes it even harder is knowing she's out there having a great time and probably not thinking about me much, at least not in the way I want her to because I'm sure she worries about me spending christmas far away from home in this situation. She hasn't called or attempted to communicate with me although I know she will eventually, prob just to check up on me. So far, Ive decided to move forward, regardless if she wants to get back together --which I highly doubt from what I've read here--. I want to show myself that I can be independent and do anything I set myself to do. A brokenheart will eventually heal, so in the meantime there is no sense dwelling and letting yourself go down even lower. Its time to pick ourselves up and move on to better things because I did have my heart broken once before and recovered, and fell in love again, and WILL recover once more. We are worth it, and deserve better.

I don't want to move the focus of this thread away from your situation so seeing that you n I are in a similar situation emotionally I decided to register and post some.

We live away from home, and have few or no friends at all --neglected the ones I had while being with her, big mistake. The best way, at least when I have felt the best these past two weeks is when Im doing activities that I wouldn't do normally. So I suggest, sign up for a few classes, a language or a sport you've wanted to pursue --you might even make new friends! Hit the gym, I have... and felt much better about myself. Work hard, and don't give up... take one day at a time, and I'm sure you will notice how much better you feel after a few weeks. My breakup was two weeks ago and from then to now I feel so much better, far from good still but it's a start.

Also, If I were you id do what has been suggested here, pack her stuff n ship it back to her. Otherwise it will be even harder and longer to move on. From your msn conversation it sounds like she wants to have her own storage space at your apartment. I think this is incredibly unfair to you and very selfish from her. Do her a last favour and save her some money by packing her stuff and sending it to her. Also, can you transfer her out of the lease? Maybe you can sublet and get a new roommate. I think this could be a good way to start fresh and erase her from your home.

As for me, Im spending Christmas with a friend from work. He has been a good friend through this tough times and it will help me not think about her too much on that day. ---should I call her christmas night just to wish her a merry christmas? I was thinking about it... I know if I do, it won't be for more than two minutes. Just a quick hi n nothing else... something I've been playing around with in my mind the past few days...


Anyway, keep posting mate, keep your chin up, we can get out of this one... can't wait to start my life back again!

[asheridan]

Korben,

It looked like she changed with the flip of a switch because by the time she told you her mind was completely made up and whatever mourning she did for the relationship's end she did before she even let you in on it's death. I lost my love and best friend at the same time also and held out hope for years that he would return and we could rekindle the relationship. He divorced his second wife and called me and I visited him once. I knew after those two days that it would never happen and was finally able to move on. Six years were wasted in which I might have missed a better man. Zeenie is correct. Do what you can to set yourself up financially to get clear of her and ship her things. Don't worry about your bluntness in your communication with her. She has moved on and so your blunt responses are not hurting her the way they would if she used the same tone with you. In fact I think your responses to her have been very appropriate. Hang in there - it sounds cliche'd but time is what you need now.

[zeeniee]

Dear Expact 2009,
I don't think you should contact her for xmas wishes at all. As painful as it is, you must be strong and not do it. It is v hard, especially when your away from family and friends. The same is with me, I am actually going to spend xmas alone in Singapore. It is so hard- as 6 months ago- I was so excited about this xmas as I was to get married in one months time and our families were flying over to SIngapore. Now it is n=1. There are no words to descirbe this feeling I have in my heart. And so idecided to treat this xmas just like a Saturday. My main worry is new years eve as that our 9th anniversary, and I am saded to know that my ex his coming with his chick from UK to Singapore to celebrate it. It hurts. And so NC it is for me. I must no email, text or see him, and I will probably hide for the next 3 weeks whilst they are here. I have to be strong,even thou I am not. I use this site to get whatever strengths and wisdom I get no to contact him.

[TrueFaith]

What a load of dribble you should have stopped that msn chat thing a lot SOONER.

And I bet you was typing lots of things but deleting it and adding something else lol.

Its best not to think about what she is thinking. Because you will run your head dry with that crap.
Just get her out of your life as fast and as painless as you can!
Stop thinking how why what if and maybe.



YES it is messy! When you deal with money and house. But you are working towards something. And you are stronger for it

Don't let her say I just want to be friends lalal
She is just trying to make herself feel less guilty.

Be strong man and hang in there.

Once she has paid you everything. Be done with her. Go no contact and start to heal

Your only 22 :) you have a long long road ahead

[expat2009]

Dear Expact 2009,
I dont think you should contact her for xmas wishes at all. As painful as it is, you must be strong and not do it. It is v hard, especially when your away from family and friends. The same is with me, i am actually going to spend xmas alone in Singapore. It is so hard- as 6 months ago- i was so excited about this xmas as i was to get married in one months time and our families were flying over to SIngapore. Now it is n=1. There are no words to descirbe this feeling i have in my heart. And so idecided to treat this xmas just like a saturday. My main worry is new years eve as that our 9th anniversary, and i am saded to know that my ex his coming with his chick from UK to Singapore to celebrate it. It hurts. And so NC it is for me. I must no email, text or see him, and i will probably hide for the next 3 weeks whilst they are here. I have to be strong,even thou i am not. I use this site to get whatever strengths and wisdom i get no to contact him.

The thing is, I know you are right... I mean if she hasn't initiated contact it must be a sign I'm the one suffering while she's the one enjoying her life and her freedom. It might make me look like I'm bitter or not a good person in her eyes. But I want to be strong and show her I can survive perfectly without her. So I'm deleting her number (never learnt it by memory) and going full NC. As for you, I know your situation is much more complicated, and it sounds like you are in a world of pain. I'm not sure how Christmas is treated in Singapore but if it's not as full on as back home it might just feel like any other Saturday. NYE seems like it's going to be a tough one for all of us, however, we must go out and enjoy ourselves in any way we can. Even if it's just a few hours of letting are minds be somewhere else. I know it's especially hard for you being an anniversary but I would suggest to include yourself in someone else's plans and just try and get yourself out of the house. Be strong!! You are worth it!

I wish we could fast forward time, but unfortunately, all we can do is get the best out of the situation and learn from it day by day. Just remember, you come first!