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Alex81 · Jun 11, 2006, 03:40 AM

My girlfriend of two years, who lives with me, has been recently having her friends (male/female) come over for drinks when I'm not around. Sometimes late at night when I'm at work. Her friends hardly ever come around when I'm home and we don't all go out together. Im going to be working night shifts soon. Should I be worried?

fredg · Jun 11, 2006, 04:37 AM

HI, Alex,
Sounds like your girlfriend misses the "good ole days"!
She wants to be with others, and sometimes, it's normal.
But, I don't understand why this happens when you are not around.
She needs friends, as you do, too. But, what can't they be mutual friends?
I would talk with her about it, find out why they are coming over when you aren't home. There is a reason, but I don't know why.
A good relationship must have communications, talking with each other. Please talk with her. Don't know if this is something to worry about or not; unless she gets "real friendly" with any of the males!
Best of luck.

Chery · Jun 11, 2006, 05:05 AM

In my young years, I lived with someone (for three years)and I loved being with him very much. I also was used to keeping house for us, shopping for us, and planning quality time. When he was at work (on Emergency Medical Officer duty), I either went with him (we were in the medical field) and helped him, or I stayed at home. When alone at home, I also invited friends - some that I had before I met him and some that I met while with him. These friends helped me realize that there were other subjects of interest, music and hobbies that he was not as interested in as I was. And just because I shared his world, did not mean that I excluded the rest of the world from my life. He, as well had a few evenings a month where he spent time with his friends. Then after our 'free evenings' we would talk about the news and views of our friends over dinner or while otherwise relaxed. There were also a few times when he expressed concern over 'particular' friends, such as a certain 'guy' he thought had 'an eye' on me. Through talking about this in a stress free hour or two, I was able to reassure him that he was the focal point of my affection and I was able to reassure him of such.

The most important thing in any relationship is the ability to give space but also to be able to talk about everything without 'pointing a finger'. There were a few females that I was also concerned about, but after talking about it, and seeing his reactions, I was reassured of his position.

There is no guarantee in life, but as long as we communicate with each other, we will always know where we stand. And just because you've been together for more than a year, never give the impression that there is no room for improvement and growth. There is nothing worse in a relationship than taking things for granted. We all constantly have to work at it to keep it exciting and growing.

So, plan a nice dinner at home, relax and just spend time talking about issues that need to be cleared - on both sides. Ask her if she's bored, and what you can do to help her feel that she's not an 'old' and comfortable piece of furniture (know what I mean?). Then, put your doubts away, and start having fun together again.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

talaniman · Jun 11, 2006, 06:37 AM

Maybe her friends don't like you or you aren't the friendly type I don't know. What do you expect your g/f to do when you work nights? She can't have friends? She can't enjoy herself when your working? Should she sit in the corner until his highness comes home? Now me I would be trying to get to know her friends and make them feel as they could visit us both. Second I have never been insecure and felt the need to worry about what my G/Fs were doing when I was at work! Third What are you doing living with someone you don't trust? If this is a problem you need to learn how to talk to your lady about it!:cool: :confused:

talaniman · Jun 11, 2006, 09:33 AM

Alex81-Please clarify your post for me

maria26 · Jun 12, 2006, 12:00 AM

I also got the same impression as talaniman, from what you have stated it sounds like you are having trust issues. If you trusted her completely I doubt you would be having worries over a few friends coming over... but again if I got the wrong impression please clarify your post.

Krs · Jun 12, 2006, 12:48 AM

Hi Alex81...

I shall defend you here :)
If I was in your shoes ( I trust my hubby 101% ) I would still be annoyed just like you.
Purely not for the fact that she has male and female friends coming over for drinks but for the reason that its without you and done at obvious times when you're not there.
But do ask her, why, why she is inviting them home esp when you're not around. If her answer is because she will be alone or lonely to me won't be a good answer, unless it happened once or twice only.

I do like Chery's idea, which I believe you should give it try!
See how she enjoys spending quality time with you alone.

Tiffinityrose · Jun 12, 2006, 01:41 AM

I have a friend who stays at home while her boyfriend works long shifts and with her she gets lonely and doesn't like being alone. I usually don't go over there when he is home because I don't like to invade their time together. When he works overnights she either sleeps at my house or I sleep there. I like he boyfriend well enough but he doesn't seem to uderstand our humor when we get together, also they tend to argue often and I get uncomfortable around the 2 of them.

Maybe your girlfriend gets lonely and just wants to socialize at home. Maybe her friends are trying not to invade your time together. Maybe they feel uncomfortable around you do to the fact that they don't know you.

I would definitely talk to her about it, and maybe offer to go out on a double date type thing to get to know her friends better. It may not be your girlfriend who chooses it to be that way it could be her friends choice in the matter.

Krs · Jun 12, 2006, 01:47 AM

I don't see not as a matter of trust but a matter of principle.

Tiffintyrose I do see your point about your friend and I agree. I would do the same if I was lonely because my partner worked night shifts.
I would invite my best friend over or I go over to hers, but NOT invite loads of mates and have a drinking party!

talaniman · Jun 12, 2006, 04:13 AM

I've learned if there was something bothering me I would talk with my wife to see how she feels about this situation. The key is asking in a way that doesn't start a big fight or hurt feelings such as Dang,baby I feel left out when you party when I'm at work. And go from there. Communicating your feelings in a non aggressive way is essential to any relationship. Women are fantastic but they can't read minds and can be very sensitive to blame and giving orders. They will also go bonkers if not appreciated. So just talk to her and you'll probably see she has an excellent reason to do what she does. If not then you should honestly let her know how you feel and listen to her as opposed to doing the man thing and stalking off and shutting down.:cool: ;)

Krs · Jun 12, 2006, 04:15 AM

Couldn't spread it round talaniman but wanted to say right on!
Communication is the best key

Wildcat21 · Jun 12, 2006, 08:32 AM

Yes - you have to talk with her. Use the words "I feel this - or that" - Try not to use the word YOU. LISTEN!! You have to talk this out with her and see what's up. She may be lonely - your work hours are way different. But, and maybe you feel this since you are coming here - maybe she is attracted to anothert guy? Is that what you fear?? LISTEN!!

Sorry - just trying to prepare you for what women throw at you. She might have feelinsg for another guy she hangs - hence SHE DOESN'T INCLUDE YOU!!

s_cianci · Jun 12, 2006, 05:56 PM

Do you feel that her friends are deliberately trying to avoid you? If so, then you should be concerned. It does sound like you work odd hours. Unfortunately that always makes it hard to have a decent social life. If your girlfriend and her friends work more normal hours, that could be the root of your problem. Is your girlfriend the one doing all the entertaining? Do her and her friends ever go to anyone else's home for drinks? If you have any concerns then I'd talk to her about them. If she's deliberately trying to exclude you from her social life then I'd say you definitely have a problem. Since the two of you have been living together for 2 years I'd assume you are pretty serious about each other. That being the case you may want to seek a job opportunity where you'd have more normal hours, in better synch with your girlfriend's, her friends and your friends. That way you can have a better social life, both with her as well as on your own.

Krs · Jun 13, 2006, 12:16 AM

I would sit your girlfriend down over a nice bottle of wine and talk to her.
Explain and express your feelings that this is making you feel uncomfortable.
(I personally know I wouldn't like it either).
She should understand. Ask her how she would like it if it were vice-versa! Inviting girls over and other mates for drinks when she is at work :cool: :rolleyes: