[amadro18]

Im 18 years old and I just became pregnant. I deff. Don't want to have an abortion but I also don't want to give my child up for adoption because of the fact that someone else is going to take care of my child. The father of the kid thinks its best we put it up for adoption because it'll be better for the kid. We both want to go off to 4 year colleges and have good steady jobs and with the child that will be very difficult. I agree that adoption may be the best option for the child but I also want to take care of it because I'm its mother. What do you think I should do?

[jakester]

amadro18 -

first off, I commend you for valuing the sanctity of human life and for not going through with an abortion.

Secondly, the hopes and dreams we have as human beings are fleeting things. You are about to make the hardest decision you will ever make in your life and it is one that you have to make apart from the influence of any other person because your decision involves the life of another human being, YOUR child.

I'd say that "father" of your child is probably not someone you really want to be with. If he were half a man, he'd say that he would support you and the baby no matter what. But if he were a really good man, he would keep the child himself. That is my opinion.

Ultimately, if you give the child away to someone else, you will never forget that child. You will think of that baby for the rest of your life, I am certain. But giving the child away to a family that would love and care for that child would be a good thing as well. Ultimately, you have to make a choice that you can live with. Is your heart committed to the idea of being this child's mother? Then keep the baby. If you know that you will not be a good mother and have divided loyalties between pursuing an education and trying to raise a child, then maybe you should give the child to someone who is ready for the commitment now. Only you can decide what you should do... but the life of the child is one to be respected and valued as a precious thing and you can honor the child by seeing that no matter what, you'll be making sure that you love the baby in whatever decision you make.

Best wishes and again, you are doing the right thing by letting this child live.

[liz28]

Only you can make this decision. The only thing you can do right now is weight your options.

Adoption now a days is mostly open meaning you can choose who your child go too. You will get the chance to meet the couple or person. All agencies do a background, criminal, credit check. They also do a home study and you get to review this. You can even go to that person home to check it out for yourself. Even though your rights will be terminate you can still be involve in that child's life and an agreement will be made to when you get to visit the child.

If you keep your baby you are committing to take care of that child and will responsible for he/her life. Kids are expensive and it's a full time job but rewarding. Satifices will always be made because your child needs will come before yours. Some things might go on hold but it's worth it. Babies grow up and the older they get the more expensive they are. Your going need a good job with benefits.

I had my daughter young and finish college and I never regretted having her. I went to college and worked but I had help from family, friends, and her father.

You need to take everything into consideration. Look at things from both view because regardless of your decision it something you need to think about and your life is going change no matter what road you choose.

[Synnen]

I'm a birthmother. I placed my child for adoption 17 years ago.

You NEED to see a counselor. You need to talk to someone who understands adoptions, who can advise you on what is right for YOU.

No matter WHAT you choose, your choice is hard, and will have consequences that last the rest of your life. Talk to a counselor that specializes in adoption (and NOT from an adoption agency! ) before you make this choice.

[ScottGem]

First, I'm going to suggest that you ignore your first reply. While I don't disagree with some of the things he said, he's advising you to make a decision that is good for HIM, not what's best for you.

And the bottomline here is this is a decision only you can make. Only you can decide which is more important, your desire to get your degree and a good job or your bond with the child.

I won't tell you its an easy decision. I agree with the 1st response that you will never forget this child. But you also have to decide between what is best for the child against your own emotions. Do you honestly feel you can provide for this child? Will you have the support network (parents etc.) to help you care for this child while you go to school. Will the father stand by you or will your financial needs for you and the child force him to forego his future? You have to realize your decision affects at least 3 beings, not just yourself or the child.

Since you have decided to have the child, you have time to make your decision. You need to do some deep thought and soul searching before you can arrive at a decision. Hopefully a lot more thought then gave to having sex.

But don't let anyone tell you what to do. Make lists of pros and cons, get the facts of what impact your decision will have. Then make the decision that you feel best suits you.

[div2wice]

I have to agree, I admire and respect you for not even thinking about an abortion. Your post sounds so mature, you clearly know what you want and that is half the battle.

Don't ever do anything because of pressure. If you keep the child, you'll the one who will be taking care of it. Yes, going to college will be difficult as a young mom, BUT it is possible. Trust me, I have been there. Succeeding at college, while raising a child is the most exhilarating experience I have been through. It makes you so proud and so much stronger, you feel like you can take on the world !

Do not give the child up if you don't want to. Adoption requires both parents to sign over parental rights. If he does not want the child, then he can choose not to have anything to do with him/her, but do not give your child away because of someone else's feelings or opinions. You're going to be a great mother, be strong and you will make it!

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, do what you want, don't let anyone else decide for you.

[ScottGem]

I have to agree,

But agree with what? You've done just what I spoke out against. Instead of offering the pros and cons to help her decide for herself, you do little but encourage her to keep the child. Again, such a decision may be right for you, but we have no idea if its right for the OP.

[Topacio]

Hi the name is Topacio I am 18 years old and I am adoped. I want to say something about your situation... Look for adopted kids its hard life out there not knowing about there parents and the confusion of being with other people that say they are your parents and then there you are saying that you are the mother. Its aconfusion. The "Father" if he is so willing to put the baby up for adoption then he isn't the one you need to be with. Remember that you opened your legs and if you had no protection then you new that becoming pregnant was an option. If you think that you can't take care of the baby and go to school then goahead and do what you think best.

THE Decision IS ALL YOURS!!

And I suppose your parents can help you as well. Think you can work during the day and go to school at night,

[ScottGem]

Hi the name is Topacio I am 18 years old and i am adoped. ... Look for adopted kids its hard life out there not knowing about there parents and the confusion of being with other people that say they are your parents ,

This is off topic, bugt I had to comment on this.

Adoptive parents don't just "say" they are your parents. When they signed the adoption papers they became your parents. Both morally and legally. There is more to being a parent then contributing some sperm or an egg.

Maybe you had a bad experience with your adoptive parents, but most adoptive parents are the child's REAL parents. They are the ones that changed your diapers, cleaned up your messes, attended your special events etc.

I'm not trying to take away from your bio parents who made have made a huge sacrifice to ensure you had bettere life than they felt they could give you. But make no mistake, your adoptive parents are your REAL parents.

[Synnen]

There is no such thing as "real" parenthood, as defined by the terms of adoption. Adoptive parents aren't "real" parents. Birthparents aren't "real" parents.

REAL parenthood is defined by LOVE. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, biological parents, stepparents, adoptive parents, foster parents, whatever---the people that love you enough to try to raise you correctly, and who make sacrifices so that you can have a good life---THOSE are your REAL parents. Some people have ONE real parent. Some people have 8. Who cares?

Yes, I know this is a bit off the original poster's question---but god, I'm so sick of people talking about REAL parents, as if any other parent was only IMAGINARY---regardless which set of parents you're calling "real", someone else is going to be hurt by the definition.

I am no less a "real" parent than an adoptive parent. I am no less a "real" parent than a parent who lost their child to death. I am still a REAL parent, and I'm tired of being defined as IMAGINARY just because someone else changed diapers (which I would have loved to do, if it meant that I could keep her), or stayed up with her when she was sick (which I regretted never having the chance to do). I just happened to make a very REAL choice that was in her best interest--before she was even born. I stood by that choice, because a REAL parent puts their child's interests before their own--and I knew she would have a better life than I could give her at that point in MY life.

So---to the OP: Adoption is not LESS than parenting, but better than abortion, which is how so much of society sees it ("well, she didn't keep the baby, but at least she didn't have an abortion!"). It's also not MORE than parenting.

Either choice is hard. Either choice has a LOT of sacrifices you have to make. Either choice will make you wonder for the rest of your life what would have happened if you'd have chosen the other path.

You need to make the best choice for YOURSELF, and for your CHILD. You don't need to take ANYONE else's opinion on what you should do as having more weight than your OWN feelings on the matter. Don't let anyone threaten you, bribe you, coerce you, blackmail you, or hurt you to get their way on this issue. And believe me---those around you will tell you EXACTLY what they think you should do, and why. Listen to these people, but don't let them make your choice for you--because they'll try to.

THAT is the biggest reason you need to see a counselor about this. You need someone who can tell you your options ENTIRELY, someone who has no stake in the outcome, someone who is interested in helping YOU make the choice. Believe me--if you don't work it through yourself, you'll have regrets forever, no matter which choice you make.

[bradysmama17]

I agree you need to see a councelor, but I was a teen mother, and I did 2 years in jr.college and still have custody of my son. You can do it if you put your mind to it.

[LoppyLolly]

If you have any ANY ANY question in your head at all, then give this baby up for adoption. There are a lot of people out there (like myself) who would JUMP at the chance to raise your child. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out process.
I comment you immensely for having the foresight and the knowledge to know what is best for your child. Yes, it is your baby, and yes, it will be hard for someone to raise them, love them etc, but you got to think... you are doing this BECAUSE you love your child so much.
If you have any other questions or just want to talk to someone please email me at EMAIL REMOVED FOR PRIVACY
God Bless.

[izzie1012]

hi there my name is becca I went thurw this 4 years ago adoption is a very hard choise to make I decide to go with and adoption but I did an open adoption so I meet the new parents of my unbornbaby when I was 2m it was the hards thing and the easy thing after I meet them to know what I was doing was for the best for me they came to all the doctors app. And became one of my closes friends I still tlak with them and the little girl I gave them at least 1x a month and they send pics later all the time and she knows that she is that I am her birth mom and that she has a bother know for me it was just like adding to my family reather then giving my family away follow your heart and it will lead you in the right path good luck to you my prayers are with you

[alwaysava27]

This is only my opinion... but Don't DO IT. Trust me, you will regret it later in life, I promise. My parents adopted my daughter almost two years ago & it was the biggest mistake ever because I have bad dreams almst every night, missing my daughter & wishing she were back with ME. I don't know if this is ever something I will overcome... I don't think it is. Please, give it more thought, for your own sanity & most importantly for your child. You CAN do this. With or without the father.

[Synnen]

This is only my opinion... but DONT DO IT. trust me, you will regret it later in life, i promise. my parents adopted my daughter almost two years ago & it was the biggest mistake ever cus i have bad dreams almst every nite, missing my daughter & wishing she were back with ME. i dont knw if this is ever something i will overcome...i dnt think it is. please, give it more thought, for your own sanity & most importantly for your child. you CAN do this. with or without the father.

I'm betting that YOU didn't get any counseling before you made your choice--and STILL haven't received any counseling.

There are going to be regrets no matter which choice you make. That's part of life. I, too, still miss my daughter, but with time the pain is a LOT less intense than it was at only 2 years into the adoption.

We should not tell people how to choose. We don't know all of the details of what's going on in their lives, we can't possibly know what goals they have, or their financial and social situation--there are too many factors for us to even GUESS at what might be best for someone facing that choice.

And ultimately--you have to own your own decision. Yes, you still mourn. Yes, you still have days when you just ache--but I'm sure that every choice has its reasons to be sad and wish you'd chosen otherwise.

[ScottGem]

my parents adopted my daughter almost two years ago .

I'm not going to repeat Synnen's excellent response, but I did want to point out this statement. You say your parents adopted her? And you aren't a part of her life? I could understand your parents becoming guardians while you get your act together, but adopting? I suspect there is a LOT more to your story then you told here. Another reason why your experience is not applicable to the OP.

If you (or anyone) want to discuss this further, please post in the thread you started here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adopti...ck-277962.html

I don't want to hijack the OP's.

[stevetcg]

This is only my opinion... but DONT DO IT. trust me, you will regret it later in life, i promise. my parents adopted my daughter almost two years ago & it was the biggest mistake ever cus i have bad dreams almst every nite, missing my daughter & wishing she were back with ME. i dont knw if this is ever something i will overcome...i dnt think it is. please, give it more thought, for your own sanity & most importantly for your child. you CAN do this. with or without the father.

She may regret it later in life but that does not mean its still not the right answer for her. I regret my decision I made years ago sometimes. It was still the right solution for me and my son. Just because my situation is better now doesn't mean I would would be here if I had made a different choice.

[alwaysava27]

She may regret it later in life but that does not mean its still not the right answer for her. I regret my decision I made years ago sometimes. It was still the right solution for me and my son. Just because my situation is better now doesn't mean I would would be here if I had made a different choice.

True. I'm not going to disagree w/you there. Things could totally be different now, for you & me if we wouldve chosen a different route to take. I still regret it, counseling doesn't help though. I've tried that & my parents refuse to go w/me when I've asked them. It may effect everyone differently, but I truly believe that considering adoption should be something to really think about, not act on impulse because it feels right at the time. Adoption may feel like the best decision at the time, but in the long run it could most certainly hurt a lot, especially if you weren't doing it for the right reasons, i.e.. Thinking of your own priorities before the baby arrives, before anyone else.

[TexasParent]

I am an adopted child, and I want you to face the reality that adoptive parents aren't perfect. My mother ended up being an alcoholic and while she was responsible for me, her self-interest in her drug of choice didn't allow her to give me the love that I think I would have received from my birth mother if she were able.

I think the fact that you are questioning things says a lot about your character and I think you should keep the baby and try to achieve your goals while raising your baby.

You can't have sex and be irresponsible about the consequences and those include raising the child in a loving environment. While I am happy you aren't having an abortion; is your boyfriend not saying to you to abort the rearing of the child; which is also being irresponsible?

Even if you have to put off college for 5 years (until your child is in school) or go nights; I personally wouldn't give up on him or her in order to achieve your own self interest.

You made the decision to have sex, and now the result is a baby. Now it's time to grow up and not transfer that responsibility to someone else to raise him/her, you brought this gift into this world, now finish the job and make them a gift to the world by choosing to be parents, and the good parents he/she deserves.