[meemee26]

When is porn a problem? When they would rather watch porn then have sex with you? When they would rather watch porn then come and have a cuddle with you? When they start trying to dress you like a porn star? When they start deleting the history and lying and snicking around about it? Do you have to be watching it everyday? Or if it makes your partner feel uncomfortabal with it? Please tell?

[linnealand]

I'm no expert, but what you described sounds like too much to me. It sounds like your partner is dealing with a porn addiction. It also sounds like you are feeling hurt and upset by the extent that these behaviors are interfering with your relationship.

I think the question generally asked of people who want to know if their behaviors are at the level of an actual addition is whether that thing has reached the point of interfering with their normal lives.

There are all kinds of resources out there for people who suffer from porn addiction, and there are also separate resources for their partners.

You can take a look at these links for more information:

Support for Spouses

Porn Addiction | Masturbation Addiction | Sexual Addiction Help

Sexual Recovery Institute :: Porn Addiction

[kp2171]

My quick answer, which I never give, is it is a problem in your relationship and you are going to have to confront this, work through it, and decide what is right for you.

Having read your other post, I'm guessing you aren't asking about whether porn is wrong, correct? You could just have well inserted "partying", "gambling", "watching sports"...

Is it wrong when he would rather "fill in the blank" than have sex with you...

I'm trying to not get into the argument of "porn good/porn bad"... you've already stated some tolerance for it, even some interest.

But it is taking away from your relationship and your time in the bedroom, and that's a problem. Its your problem, and a problem in the relationship... don't know yet whether he will own it as his problem.

When anything begins to detract from the relationship, especially life in bed, its worth evaluating and balancing.

Being a parent, for ex, introduces new barriers to sex. Is it worth it? Yes, for me it is. It's a "distraction" that can hurt sex, but has clearly other payoffs. Likewise, the payoff for the person working themselves like mad might be financial security gained in exchange for exhaustion and lower drive. Maybe its worth it, maybe not... at least there the "distraction" might prop up other areas of the relationship...

But here, its not just about his watching TV or golfing or going out for a beer. He's getting himself off and leaving you wanting and hurting. Its personal.

I've no problem with my partners pretty pink vibrator. I've no problem with her needing to be a "problem solver" on her own. I don't need to keep a chalkboard score, but as long as she and I are both getting satiated, fine... what's the problem? We aren't always on the same page... sometimes we are even quite off,. but I think we find middle ground more than not. My drive is higher than hers, so I'm frustrated more often, but usually her lack of interest is tied to things like being tired or distracted with work, etc. I can work with that within reason most of the time. The causes are at least more "acceptable" to me than "shes not interested in sex because she already got herself off"...

Its not uncommon for sexual desires and fantasies to escalate over time... as a young teen I begged to just see a girls panty. As a young man I wanted to pull them off. I don't need to blindfold my partner to be excited, but sometimes role playing adds in another layer. Generally, I don't have a problem with lingerie or role playing, as long as both partners enjoy it.

But here, not only is he leaving you wanting, but perhaps his arousal is now dependent upon your imitating his fetish.

Babbling now... you have reasons (plural) to be frustrated. You aren't getting attention. You are getting neglected. You are getting neglected due to his likely getting himself off while watching porn. He pressures you about any interest you might have in it as being wrong.

Yuck. And yuck.

His head is so far up his arse he cannot understand the sh!t he is speaking.

[ZoeMarie]

From your post, I would say it's too much. When the person realizes that he/she needs to delete the history and lie about it, that's a pretty good indication to him/her.

[XxRoosterXx]

What it sounds like to me is that it's a problem. If it's affecting your relationship then it's a problem. My recommendation is for you both to see a counselor. For whatever reason he feels the need to look at porn. He's hiding it because he knows it bothers you. I'm sure the last thing he wants to do is hurt you. But mentally he needs it right now. This is why I ask for you both to see someone. So that he is able to get to the heart of the problem. Don't torture yourself. Try to be understanding and communicate with him. Don't make him feel small because he is doing this. Remember, it's a problem for both of you to work out. The less judgemental you are I bet the more open he will be with you. Good Luck!

[Choux]

Any porn is too much in this day of porn on the internet in your home 24/7 with more and more men becoming addicted to masturbation and fantasy and women as impersonal, interchangeable objects.

There are a lot of men out there, why not find a guy with honest, tender feelings still intact and learn how to relate to him as an honest loving woman. :) Being your authentic self makes for gigantic sparks in a relationship! Sparks that lead to multiple orgasms.

Best wishes in your journey of life.

[linnealand]

When I posted, I didn't realize the OP also has a question regarding the male/female porn double standard. It seems this problem is even more complex that it first appeared to be.

[smoothy]

Porn is fine as long as it doesn't become an obsession.

A guy watching porn doesn't mean he automatically is ready to have sex. Women like soap operas and romance novels... guys like naked ladies and porn.

Now if he preffers to self gratify to the porn then ignore you then I see a problem.

[450donn]

Studies have found that porn is as addictive as tobacco or drugs. Do a web search for porn addiction and you will find volumes of information on the subject. Watching porn? That one is up to the individual. Personally I think it is wrong. When is it a problem? Anytime it interferes with a normal healthy sex life whether it be with a married or dating couple.

[smoothy]

Studies have found that porn is as addictive as tobacco or drugs. Do a web search for porn addiction and you will find volumes of information on the subject. Watching porn? That one is up to the individual. Personally I think it is wrong. When is it a problem? Anytime it interferes with a normal healthy sex life whether it be with a married or dating couple.

IF you do a search you will find a study that will argue Alien abduction really happens... so just because a study exists doen't make it a valid study.

[450donn]

IF you do a search you will find a study that will argue Alien abduction really happens....so just because a study exists doen't make it a valid study.

Maybe this will help you understand what the word "addiction" means.
Addiction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Or how about this one?
http://pornaddictioninfo.com/

Here is another one!
http://men.webmd.com/guide/is-pornography-addictive

[smoothy]

I know what addiction is... and that there is someone addicted to every item or thing out there.

But antiporn crusaders will not sway my perspective on this.

[450donn]

I know what addiction is....and that there is someone addicted to every item or thing out there.

But antiporn crusaders will not sway my perspective on this.

Then show some of us really dumb people where you are getting your information that porn is NOT addictive.

I showed you mine so show me yours:rolleyes:

[smoothy]

Then show some of us really dumb people where you are getting your information that porn is NOT addictive.

I showed you mine so show me yours:rolleyes:

You showed a biased "study"..

Just because you find it on the internet doesn't make it valid. There is a LOT of crap information on the internet.

People can get addicted to collecting newspapers... so that proves exactly what?

Its no secret anything is a possible risk of addiction to the right person... and that includes attending Church every day or working on Obamas campaign committing vandalism stealing McCain posters. Lot of irrational stuff and people out there.

But there is no way you can equate porn with Alcohol or Drugs as far as addiction goes. They are not the same.

[450donn]

OK, you choose to not believe that porn is addictive, Fine, that is your misguided choice. But since there are way more studies out there that prove you wrong, please refrain from going off on people that do know how to read and understand. You want to talk to a PHD about porn and the addictive facts, I can give you a name and number to contact him.
I suppose you also believe that tobacco is not addictive too?

[smoothy]

Step back and just listen to yourself... You are literally foaming at the mouth about porn.

Funny how I can name more alcoholics than I know porn addicts that can't get through a day without it. Every man I know likes looking at naked women... but none get upset if they have to go a day or so withiout it.

I know some alcoholics, and a few ex-drug addicts but not a single real porn addict.

I do know women that get upset if they miss their soap opera however... I guess that means they are addicted as well. Thus soap operas are addicting to everyone by your own definition.


Or Chocolate...

[450donn]

OK, last one, You have on this page alone three acusing posts with no substance, no facts to back up your comments. From now on I will choose to ignore your unfounded comments.

[smoothy]

I didn't see any substance in your accusations or your "expert" sources... from your description 90% of the men are porn addicted trolls just waiting to get their next fix.

Just how old are you anyway... it sounds like you are at most in your early 20's if you are that old.

[kp2171]

Since this thread has become a personal argument ("misguided choice", "how old are you", "obama"... really?) between you two, why don't we move any further ugly noise to PM'ing. Much more of this, especially personal jabs, and this thread will get locked.

The short answer, and its not so short or simple, is that at this time there is no certain physiological diagnosis for sex addiction, let alone porn addiction, and those who are experts in addictions can have very different opinions about whether there is such a thing as sex addiction and porn addiction.

The problem is complex. It took years for researchers to understand the complex brain chemistry behind drug and alcohol addictions. The absence of proof is not proof of absence.

Research in porn addiction is sparse and speculative, and not fully embraced by the majority in the field.

That said, those who treat it as an addiction see applying methods of addiction therapy as often being beneficial for the patient.

I don't give a d@mn what you call it. Addition. Compulsive behavior. Whatever. Those who like porn tend to defend it to ridiculous ends and those who oppose it can go to the same extremes.

The sad part is both smoothy and 450donns last lines of the posts made before this noise were of the same spirit...

If it interferes in your bedroom, its an issue.

[smoothy]

since this post has become a personal arguement between you two, why dont we move any further ugly noise to PM'ing. much more of this, especially personal jabs, and this thread will get locked.

the short answer, and its not so short or simple, is that at this time there is no certain physiological diagnosis for sex addiction, let alone porn addiction, and those who are experts in addictions can have very different opinions about whether there is such a thing as sex addiction and porn addiction.

the problem is complex. it took years for researchers to understand the complex brain chemistry behind drug and alcohol addictions. the absence of proof is not proof of absence.

research in porn addiction is sparse and speculative, and not fully embraced by the majority in the field.

that said, those who treat it as an addiction see applying methods of addiction therapy to often being beneficial for the patient.

i dont give a d@mn what you call it. addition. compulsive behavior. whatever. those who like porn tend to defend it to ridiculous ends and those who oppose it can go to the same extremes.

the sad part is both smoothy and 450donns last lines of the posts made before this noise were of the same spirit...

if it interferes in your bedroom, its an issue.

I have no intention of continuing the argument... its an exercise in futility. Some people get addited to the strangest things... but it doesn't make them bad things.


Hope everyone has a nice weekend... I plan to.