[inertia]

OK, this is a weird one. I served in the Marines and was deployed to Iraq. Upon returning home I had serious anger management issues. After some time with therapy and drugs I learned to control it. I fell in love with a girl who at first seemed very sweet but strong willed. As time went on she began "testing" me. Pretty normal stuff, I think a lot of girls do just to see what she could get away with. I always tried to be understanding. I tried to talk things out with her. She had a mean streak which I was attracted to. However, I was scared to show mine because I didn't want to intimidate her. She wanted me to let loose and I was just too afraid of what would happen because I cared about her too much. I love women who are challenging but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to rise to the occasion with her. I didn't want to be crazy. (One time she punched me, out of instinct I punched the wall and she was turned on, I had to leave because I didn't want to access that side of me). After the relationship ended I felt emasculated. Her friends told me I was a sweet guy. I've never been told that before, it's not my M.O. I've had a hard time moving on because I know I wasn't myself in the relationship. Obviously this sounds a little crazy to most of you, but for those who understand my question is this. I think she liked me because I was bad and she got bored when I made an effort to be a kinder man, is this how it works?

[Absolute]

Wow. I understand completely. Be yourself no matter what the circumstances. If you didn't feel like yourself then you shouldn't have been that way. She wanted that side of you. Give it to her. Next time you see her, be how you normally would be. Let it loose. She needs to see you in your own skin not in the nice guys skin. Never EVER change yourslef though. Not for anyone. This girl sounds like she needs a bad boy. You obviously need to be it. Go for it bud. It's the only way. ;) And my man, it IS how it works. Most girls are pretty complicated (myself included) and this is something I know in experience. Bad boys (mostly) are hot. Sorry if that was seemed (sexist?) but yes. That is EXACTLY how it works.

[inertia]

It's too late for this one, the damage is done. She's already spending time with another guy.

[ResearchMoose]

Hi inertia

I'm not sure that problems in relationships have any straight answers, particularly from outsiders! All I know is that it's crucial to create your own goals and values, and to be absolutely clear and up-front with what you want and don't want, like and don't like, with your partner.

We've all of us got experiences that make us who we are. I personally don't think that any relationship should be limited by what everybody else does or thinks. It's got to be your very own special thing that you take full responsibility for and you put your best efforts into. Anything less leads to limited, patterened behaviour and disappointing results.

For me: clarity, honesty and respect are probably the most important foundations for any relationship, whether it's a loving one or a business one!

I hope this helps a little bit. Good luck, be bold, and be free.

Very best wishes,

ResearchMoose

[TrueFaith]

I think she just wanted to see the real you.

Not because you are bad or good

Anyway that is done and dusted

I would recommend being yourself in the next relationship

As long as you don't hurt HER! Nothing wrong :)

[slapshot_oi]

I think she liked me because I was bad and she got bored when I made an effort to be a kinder man, is this how it works?

I understand it to work like this: the gentleman usually wins out over the tough-guy, 'cause the tough-guy typically isn't all that tough once you get to know him and the gentleman is honest. Women aren't attracted to a push-over—neither the gentleman and tough-guy are by the overly-sensitive boyfriend is—but more importantly, no one likes a phony, which tough-guys usually are. I'm not calling you a bonehead tough-guy, I'm just speaking generally, but she could tell you weren't being honest and confident with her and she high-tailed.

I can relate. I was very sensitive with one of my first, true girlfriends, I would need to talk to her all the time, say real corny crap and would buy her anything. The reason was within the first week of dating, her mom died. I felt I had to be extra-supportive towards her; bad move. That whole ordeal lasted for less than two months and she dated some other dude shortly thereafter. My honest-self is nothing like I was with her then and I'm nothing like that now, the emotional stress changed me temporarily.

It's too late for this one, the damage is done. She's already spending time with another guy.

I wouldn't be so certain that it's totally over between you two, dude. As I already suspect, she technically still doesn't know who you are, so if you two were to date again down the road and you showed more confidence in yourself, it would be a whole different ball game. Of course, the only possibility of that happening is to move on and never contact her. The girl I mentioned in my example actually came back in the picture about two years after, and she was much more attracted to me because I was so real with her the second time around, but in the end it never worked out because I lost attraction in her.

So the moral: masking your identity equates to zero-confidence. Be your natural self around a woman you like so she feels like the she's seen the real you, and then she can make a clear judgment whether to continue pursuing. Having the balls to be yourself despite external influences and distractions shows confidence, and women love that.

[talaniman]

I think she liked me because I was bad and she got bored when I made an effort to be a kinder man, is this how it works?

You two were not compatible so it can't work. No biggie, just have a great time finding one your attracted to and is more compatible.

If your mean't to have it, you will. Dwell on her no more.

[missingpieces]

If you want to be who you are then be that, she was trying to push you and play games is what it seems like to me.

If you are trying to change and be a kinder man then this is not the kind of girl you should be with because if you have been working hard with anger management she could turn that all around and be stupid enough to try to get you into a fight or something like that. You could end up in huge trouble when you are trying to change something within yourself. It doesn't seem like she respected that.