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asking · Nov 27, 2008, 07:42 AM

Originally Posted by brokenpinata

At this point, we are all thinking she needs some serious psychiatric help. Any other advice?

The same as I gave before. Take a deep breath and stop demonizing your wife. It is NOT good for you daughter to be removed from her mother. And your own need for drama is escalating this situation and making it what it is.

brokenpinata · Dec 12, 2008, 02:07 PM

Well, it's done.

She loves this guy, and has so long before I knew it, long before she asked me about having another baby. She asked me that just because she thought I would say no, and confirm her belief that she doesn't love me anymore.

She wants this guy, and has admitted that they are planning on marrying soon after our divorce is finalized, with kids of their own to follow soon after. May I remind you that she's known this guy for six months and is still married himself?

I'm kicking her out of my house tonight. Fortunately, I still have that note she left the day she moved out, saying she is leaving and wants NOTHING from me. No alimony or child support. My lawyer says that it will hold up in court, if it comes to it.

She claims that she is acting in the best interest of our daughter, but I find that this destructive behavior proves otherwise.

Either way, we are divorcing, I tried to save our marriage and she doesn't want it. So she can deal with whatever her choices deal her, without me and without our daughter.

asking · Dec 12, 2008, 02:29 PM

Well congratulations on taking the first step in a long path to independence and hopefully a happier life for all concerned. It was certainly a very toxic situation.

Just for your information, you cannot legally withhold child support, nor can your wife waive her children's right to it. Child support is the right of the children.

brokenpinata · Dec 12, 2008, 03:03 PM

Originally Posted by asking

Well congratulations on taking the first step in a long path to independence and hopefully a happier life for all concerned. It was certainly a very toxic situation.

Just for your information, you cannot legally withhold child support, nor can your wife waive her children's right to it. Child support is the right of the children.

Good to know, thank! But this may still be helpful in the case of a custody battle, in addition to the other endangerment details.

Only time will tell how far and deep this thing will go.

JBeaucaire · Dec 12, 2008, 05:56 PM

When she later realizes she's made a mistake with this guy, or second thoughts or whatever, you need to keep this one thing in mind...

She didn't leave you FOR this other guy. That's just the rationalization she's using to crap all over her "life" commitment with you. It's just moment-to-moment ridiculousness.

She left you. Period. That's what you have to keep centered. She woke up and decided "no more".

So no matter WHAT she goes through next with him or anyone else, that has nothing to do with you. You should ignore all the frivolous details. They're irrelevant.

She left you. She did this. It's about nothing other than you and her and she chose the door. Don't let that fact be clouded in the future by ANYTHING.

And I support your custody position as well. Talk to your lawyer about this fact. Her ability to put strangers ahead of her closest family is something a court should made to consider.

brokenpinata · Dec 22, 2008, 05:19 PM

Last night, the levy broke.

We were still living together, trying to be civil. She lost her job and I wasn't about to kick her out. We had an understanding about boundaries, one being that she can talk to him, but no visits.

She crossed that boundary yesterday. She had him come in to visit while I was at work. She told me about it before I left for work, and he was supposed to pick her up at home. I was upset about it, understandably, and made her give me her house keys and made her wait on the porch for him to show up. I figured I'd deal with it. I told her I get home at 8:15 and I'll be there to let her in, as I wasn't about to make her stay outside during single digits.

Long story short, she wasn't there when she would be, but called a few hours later pissed off that I left and went to her parents' house. Things got ugly and the whole thing ended up with her dad confronting the lovers in the parking lot of the gas station down the street from our house.

Cut to the chase, she wanted into the house to get her stuff. I let her in, she packed her stuff into his car and she left for Ohio with him. No word from her at all since. We don't know if she made it there okay or not. It has me a bit worried, but I'm also relieved.

She abandoned her daughter three days before Christmas for some guy she met on the internet.

My attorney already said that a lot of her actions are really going to hurt her chances at even partial custody. We shall see.

I really hate to take her mom from her, but my daughter deserves better at this point, as her mom has been acting extremely irrational and selfish.

So, until I get my things settled, the grandparents are taking care of my daughter. I'm spending most of my free-time here with her, but will be taking a good bit of time tomorrow to get things straightened out. I'm moving out of that house, as I can't afford to stay there on my income alone, but fortunately I have a few offers from friends to stay with them until I get back on my feet.

Thanks to everyone for all of the advice. This is now in the hands of my lawyer and the courts. With all of the recent events, I was told that this should be a fairly stacked divorce/custody battle.

I didn't want it to get dirty, but her actions have brought this out. It's not just myself, it's her entire family that she's given the finger to.

talaniman · Dec 22, 2008, 05:55 PM

When a boil comes to a head, it itches until you bust it.

She has made her bed, and you have your daughter, YOU WON ALREADY. The rest is just procedure.

Do whatever it takes to protect, and love your child, even if you do have to get down, and dirty with it.

frangipanis · Dec 22, 2008, 06:12 PM

Originally Posted by brokenpinata

Last night, the levy broke.

We were still living together, trying to be civil. She lost her job and I wasn't about to kick her out. We had an understanding about boundaries, one being that she can talk to him, but no visits.

She crossed that boundary yesterday. She had him come in to visit while I was at work. She told me about it before I left for work, and he was supposed to pick her up at home. I was upset about it, understandably, and made her give me her house keys and made her wait on the porch for him to show up. I figured I'd deal with it. I told her I get home at 8:15 and I'll be there to let her in, as I wasn't about to make her stay outside during single digits.

Long story short, she wasn't there when she would be, but called a few hours later pissed off that I left and went to her parents' house. Things got ugly and the whole thing ended up with her dad confronting the lovers in the parking lot of the gas station down the street from our house.

Cut to the chase, she wanted into the house to get her stuff. I let her in, she packed her stuff into his car and she left for Ohio with him. No word from her at all since. We don't know if she made it there okay or not. It has me a bit worried, but I'm also relieved.

She abandoned her daughter three days before Christmas for some guy she met on the internet.

My attorney already said that alot of her actions are really going to hurt her chances at even partial custody. We shall see.

I really hate to take her mom from her, but my daughter deserves better at this point, as her mom has been acting extremely irrational and selfish.

So, until I get my things settled, the grandparents are taking care of my daughter. I'm spending most of my free-time here with her, but will be taking a good bit of time tomorrow to get things straightened out. I'm moving out of that house, as I can't afford to stay there on my income alone, but fortunately I have a few offers from friends to stay with them until I get back on my feet.

Thanks to everyone for all of the advice. This is now in the hands of my lawyer and the courts. With all of the recent events, I was told that this should be a fairly stacked divorce/custody battle.

I didn't want it to get dirty, but her actions have brought this out. It's not just myself, it's her entire family that she's given the finger to.

Leaving her daughter three days before Christmas is almost unforgivable and something your wife will one day deeply regret. I would do everything possible to prevent your daughter being left with your wife and her boyfriend unsupervised until you feel certain your daughter will be safe. If I were you, I would see a lawyer as soon as possible.

brokenpinata · Dec 22, 2008, 06:25 PM

Originally Posted by frangipanis

Leaving her daughter three days before Christmas is almost unforgivable and something your wife will one day deeply regret. I would do everything possible to prevent your daughter being left with your wife and her boyfriend unsupervised until you feel certain your daughter will be safe. If I were you, I would see a lawyer as soon as possible.

I contacted one today, had a consultation. I just need to scrape the cash for a retainer. She is jobless, and I just found out from the other guy's wife (soon to be ex) that he lives in the worst part of Columbus. She's in for quite a wake-up call.

BTW - I'm writing a book/screenplay after all of this. Anyone want to invest in it? ;)

frangipanis · Dec 22, 2008, 06:38 PM

Originally Posted by brokenpinata

I contacted one today, had a consultation. I just need to scrape the cash for a retainer. She is jobless, and I just found out from the other guy's wife (soon to be ex) that he lives in the worst part of Columbus. She's in for quite a wake-up call.

BTW - I'm writing a book/screenplay after all of this. Anyone want to invest in it? ;)

You need to beg, borrow or steal to pay your lawyer to keep your daughter protected from what sounds like a seriously scary character.

****

Then write a screenplay. How about Jack Nicholson playing his part? ;)
Quote: On whether he (Jack Nicholson) lied to Anjelica Huston: "I lived with Anjelica. Of course I lied to her. It's the other woman I would never lie to. You only lie to two people in your life: your girlfriend and the police. Everybody else you tell the truth to." --Vanity Fair magazine, April 1994

asking · Dec 22, 2008, 09:14 PM

The daughter isn't with her dad either. It looks to me like the both parents abandoned her. I'm seeing custody going to the grandparents the way things are going.

brokenpinata · Dec 22, 2008, 10:32 PM

Originally Posted by asking

The daughter isn't with her dad either. It looks to me like the both parents abandoned her. I'm seeing custody going to the grandparents the way things are going.

How so? At this time, it is better she stays here with them, as am I also staying here for the time being. My mom-in-law asked me tonight if she thinks I can raise her by myself, I told her I know I can, and she said she agreed.

I just need to get myself on stable ground, which should take a few weeks to do.

What you don't seem to realize, our living was beyond the means of just one income. Once she lost her job and refused to get a new one, we slowly slipped behind. Now here I am, still paying the bills by myself, which are beyond my income. Fortunately, none of it is debt, just current bills/utilities/rent.

So rectifying the situation is as simple as finding a smaller house/apartment that is much more budget friendly, while at the same time searching for a better job. Still, this could take several weeks to do, and I would prefer to have my daughter in a stable environment while I get it straightened out.

I'm still spending every free minute with her, even my lunch breaks. I will never abandon her.

Alty · Dec 22, 2008, 11:19 PM

I read your story and I'm so sorry that this happened.

Your main concern right now should be your precious little girl. Try to make this Christmas special, it has to be hard on her, so very hard. Lots of extra hugs, extra kisses and I love yous.

Even though her mother abandoned her, she probably still loves her mom and it hurts. She needs you more than ever right now, and you need her too.

So, big smile, for your little girl, make the best of it, get back on your feet and move forward. :)

Merry Christmas.

smokedetector · Dec 23, 2008, 01:29 AM

What are you saving? Not the marriage. That has apparently long ago disappeared. Not your daughter. Growing up in a home without love will ruin her. She needs to know what a real relationship is or she will wind up like the two of you, in an unsatisfying marriage full of contempt for each other. If your wife is not willing to go to counciling (and maybe even if she is), there is nothing worth staying for. Regardless of who's fault it is/was, the relationship is damaged and it would take more than she is willing to spend to repair it.
Let's look at it another way. Your marriage is a broken VHS player and your daughter is te TV. If your VHS player breaks, are you going to fix it? No. It would probably cost more to fix than a new one, and it's not even near the best thing out there. You will be spending a lot of money and the TV will only be able to play VHSs. Buy one of those blueray vhs player combos and the TV will be able to reach its full potential. So basically, move on and look for a better relationship so your child will know what a healthy relationship is where 2 people love each other instead of 2 people who hate each other and are fighting all the time. Sorry this reply seems rushed, but I'm REALLY tired :-).

***I didn't read the replies because I didn't want them to influence what I originally thought, so sorry if this is too late***

smokedetector · Dec 23, 2008, 02:01 AM

Ok so OBVIOUSLY I showed up fashionably late to this one. Disregard previous post.

The only thing I have to add here is taken from my frequent viewing of House.
Emotion by definition is irrational. She is acting crazy, and will continue to do so, because she is falsley mistaking her emotions for her thoughts, or her heart for her brain. She feels like rush of newness and she doesn't stop to consult the other part of her that SHOULD be making the decisions. So really, she isn't acting surprisingly at all. She's definitely still insane, but in a sane sort of way. I am still at a loss for why someone would leave their daughter like that though. I've never understood that sort of thing. Best of luck, and sorry I'm too late to tell you what you already know :-/

brokenpinata · Jan 9, 2009, 09:54 PM

Just a quick update on things:

I talked to the ex a few times, although very briefly, over the past 3 weeks. Things were surprisingly civil.

About a week and a half ago, after consulting with the rest of the family, I made her an offer. I basically told her that I will give her an uncontested divorce and not drag her butt through the mud over the adultery and abandonment issues. The catch is she has to sign over custody of our daughter to me, with limited visitations. She took a few days to think about it, before reluctantly agreeing. She had talked to her mom on the phone earlier that day, while I was over there. She was apparently pleading with her mom, and her mom hung up on her. Two hours later, she called me and agreed to my terms. She knew she really hung herself out after her own mother hung up on her.

I go to meet with my attorney on the 20th. I'm going to run this by him and see if there's going to be any possible issues to arise from it, and if not, I'll have him draw up the paperwork to send to her.

On the homefront, things have been pretty good. My daughter hasn't even mentioned her mom since this whole ordeal began, which is a relief. She went back to school this week and has been doing really well. As for myself, I've been feeling pretty good about all this since she left. I haven't even thought about dating again, yet, but the lack of that companionship makes for lonely nights. But that will pass in time. At least it's giving me time to catch up on my back-log of DVDs I haven't watched yet.

Thanks again to everyone for their advice and support!

Alty · Jan 9, 2009, 10:38 PM

You sound like you have a whole new outlook on life, that's great.

Remember to keep an eye on your daughter, it often takes kids a while to realize that mommy and daddy aren't getting back together and that everything has changed. She's still young, and probably doesn't understand or has a childish hope that things will work out, so keep an eye out.

Once again, I'm glad things seem to be working out. Keep us posted on your progress. :)

wolfgangqpublic · Jan 12, 2009, 09:59 PM

Wow. Quite the saga.

Two quick points. You have to be twice the parent you were before now, and don't lose sight of that commitment. Be sure to keep her grandparents (wife's parents) very active in her life - they should prove to be an emotional and social anchor if what you have written is true.

lisa1122tx · Jan 15, 2009, 01:52 AM

Did she finally meet him and find out he was a disgusting dirty old pervert? Most people wouldn't put up with what you have. You get 10gold stars for your behavior. I would have thrown her out on the street. Good job brokenpinata. Keep up the counseling.

brokenpinata · Mar 4, 2009, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by lisa1122tx

Did she finally meet him and find out he was a disgusting dirty old pervert? Most people wouldnt put up with what you have. You get 10gold stars for your behavior. I would have thrown her out on the street. Good job brokenpinata. Keep up the counseling.

Yeah, she ended up moving to Ohio with this guy four days before Christmas, leaving our daughter with me.

As for an update:

This mess is almost over. Divorce papers are filed, and we're going to talk tonight online and work out the custody arrangements so I can have my lawyer draft the agreement. At this point, she is giving me full custody, and wants every other weekend and half of the summer, in addition to flexible holidays.

My daughter is doing great, despite her just recently discovering couch gymnastics, which resulted in a visit to her uncle, the dentist. But don't worry, she's just fine, just a few bumps. She's still doing really well in school, and still hasn't mentioned her mother at all. She has started back-talking a good bit though.

As for myself, I've kind of started dating again. Well, more like spending time with a girl I used to work with. She was there for me throughout this whole ordeal. The feelings are there, but her mom doesn't approve of me, supposedly because I have "too much baggage", which is really hindering things. If we weren't already practically best friends, I would just walk away, but if I do that now, who knows if our friendship will survive.

Always drama for me, it seems. But that's another issue.

Thanks again everyone for your input, suggestions and concerns.