[brokenpinata]

I apologize for the length of this post, but there is a lot that needs to be said. If you want to get to just the question, skip to the ****.

My wife and I have been together for seven years today. I admit, we did meet on the internet, on a car enthusiast website, to be exact. While we had talked and had fun together in the chatroom for months, there was never a romantic attachment. When the car club had it's annual meeting, we both went and met a few times briefly over the course of the week, as we were both there for more than each other, as we were both in relationships at the time.

Some time had passed, and we still talked from time-to-time. During that time, my long-time high school sweetheart and I had split-up, as she moved off to college and we started to become different people. This became painfully obvious when I went to visit or she came home. But this is neither here nor there. Another woman had come into and left my life in a short period as we just weren't compatible.

Months had passed when my future wife had actually driven 500 miles to spend the week with my best friend, who was also a member of the for mentioned forum. He had expressed interest in her, but the first two nights she was at his house, his interest in her dwindled. The third day, I was finally able to make it to his house and meet her in-person, and we almost instantly clicked. I ended up staying the night at his house and we sat up almost all night talking, about interests, our inside jokes from the chatroom, and just general silliness. (She also thought I was gay, because I always dressed nice and was well-groomed. :p)

The following day, we had all spent together, doing everything from just hanging out at the mall to just sitting around. While we were sitting outside my friend's house, on his porch, we looked at each other, and she gave me that look that makes me melt even today. And it happened, our first kiss. Later that night, we attended a local car club meeting, which finished off with bowling at the local alley. She had not brought socks on her visit and therefore couldn't wear bowling shoes. So being the nice guy I was, I ran home (about 2 miles from the bowling alley) and got her a pair of my socks. That swept her off her feet, and that is one of the things she always and still does talk about when she tell people how we met.

That night, she came back to my house and we unregrettably ended up sleeping together. A following day we spent with our friends at the dragstrip. She stayed over again that night and left for home the following morning. At the time, we weren't sure if it was just a fling or what.

We continued to talk on the phone and we shared everything together, even our sexual pasts. Partially due to this honesty and absolutely openness, I wanted to pursue a serious relationship and did the most-daring thing I had ever done: I packed up my stuff and moved 500 miles to be with her.

During our relationship, there was a lot of moving and other troubles within a short period. I made mistakes, went without work, etc. We made it through. Two years later, while we were living in California, we ended up getting married. It wasn't a flashy ceremony, but a small garden chapel wedding with our friends and a few relatives.

Once again, over the next year, we had issues, which we worked through. At one point, she was going to leave and actually left for the weekend. She told me she was going to see her grandparents in Phoenix, but I didn't find out until Sunday that she couldn't get ahold of them and instead stayed at her ex's house (who was at our wedding, I might add). I had always had my doubts about whether something had happened, as he was in a serious long-term relationship (and proposed to his girlfriend shortly after this visit). My wife swears that nothing happens, and I truly believe her.

A few months later, we found out she was pregnant, by only a few weeks, so no worries there. Due to the lack of family in California, we ended up quitting our jobs and moved back to her hometown, where we still are. Now, our daughter is 3 years old. During that time, before our daughter was born, my wife went on maternity leave and I picked up a second job, working 60+ hours a week, working 12-15 hours a day, for the following two years. I eventually left my part-time job since she went back to working.

Now, here we are. We've been married for five years, happily I thought.

****
Over the past year, she has spent an excessive amount of time online. Carrying on "in-character" relationships with other people. This concerned me and I wanted her to stop. I wanted to help. She swore it was only in good fun, but she would cut back. Fast forward to a few months ago, she started spending more and more time online, doing the same thing and I became suspicious

But then this past Saturday we got into huge a fight, because she has been spending a lot of time chatting with someone and I discovered the night before she had talked for over an hour with them. I made accusations that I really did regret after I left for work, and left work early so I could apologize in-person. When I got home, the house was empty. She moved out while I was at work, taking my daughter with her. I though our fight did it, but I was wrong. She claims that she has been unhappy for years, but has never full confronted me about it. I admit, I have not always been husband or dad-of-the-year. I should have helped more around the house, I'm not afraid to admit that. But if I had known it was this bad, I would have suggested getting help.

Her whole family came out on Saturday and helped her move out, under semi-false pretenses. She implied and led them to believe that I was verbally abusive and refused to get help for our marriage. Emails were went from distant relatives to her parents asking if they think I'm going to go psycho and if they were afraid I'd try to hurt them. I was destroyed and her family hated me, until the truth came out. My wife called me on Sunday evening, bawling her eyes out about how her dad threatened to destroy this "other guy's" life. Her mom called me ten minutes later and invited me to stay with them, so I'm not alone and can be with my daughter.

What really happened, which she finally admitted:

She was unhappy with our marriage, but instead of confronting the issue, she bottled it up and retreated to the internet. At the same time, a guy she was talking two was splitting from his wife. This continued for months and they admitted that they have feelings for each other. This past Wednesday night, while she was over at her parents' house, she called this guy. Her dad had listened in on the whole thing, but it didn't click until Sunday. Thursday morning, she called her mom, telling her that she needed out of this marriage. Her mom recruited the whole family to help her move out, in an effort to help her daughter escape this "abusive" relationship. As a result of this deception, her whole family has switched sides and is behind me.

But when I talked to her about it and found that my accusations were correct, she admits that regardless of how bad she hurt me , she loves this guy and wants to be with him. But she doesn't even know the guy. She talked to him online and on the phone and only knows what he told her. She admits that this whole thing is stupid and makes no sense, but after praying over it and thinking it through, she thinks this is her golden ticket to happiness.

Some things I pointed out and she admitted it crossed her mind, but still didn't change her mind: What if this guy is physically abusive? A sociopath? A pedophile?

His wife left him, she told me that. But why? Because she cheats on him and wants to continue to sleep with other people, that's what he told her, and she believes it.

Her parents and I sat her down and tried to talk it out, about trying to save our marriage. What it came down to from her parents, unfortunately, was an ultimatum. If she goes to him, she will lose her daughter. They said they would fight on my behalf for full-custody.

As a result, she gave up. She called this guy and supposedly told him it's over. She moved back in last night and has completely shut herself off to me. She's only doing it because she has no choice. She told me she still wants to try with this guy, but knows that doing so will cost her everything, her daughter and her family.

In a way, I want her to go to him and get hurt. But in every other way, I don't. I still love her, despite of how much pain she caused me. I want to make things work, she said she did, but now she doesn't.

What do I do from here?

I have tracked down this other guy's wife online, and am contemplating contacting her. If anything, I feel she needs to know everything. Also, I want to hear her side of the story, of their relationship. My wife did admit that if it turns out this guy is abusive and an overall bad guy, she will be grateful, but I still don't think I would ever be forgiven.

I know it sounds funny, I was the one who was cheated on and betrayed, but I'm worried about being forgiven.

Should I contact his wife? Or just let mine feign happiness and fake this marriage for the sake of our daughter. I want us to get help, as I've already contacted a councilor. But if she doesn't want to fix it, what should I do?

[450donn]

You two need some serious counselling and fast! If you want to make this work and by the sounds of your question you do, find someone, your minister, rabbi, priest, or someone outside of the church and get the professional help you need. I am guessing that there is some underlying issues here, but a professional should drag them out. If she is unwilling to try and make this marriage work, then you have no other options than to ask her to leave and move on with your life. Remember this though, your daughter needs to be number one priority in your lives.

[JBeaucaire]

Get rid of the computer. I know, I know, you need it... get rid of the computer. In my mind, this is a basic and undeniable defense step.

An alcoholic does not get better sitting in a room with alcohol all day every day while trying to recover. You two have a long road, and this needs to be the first step.

[brokenpinata]

You two need some serious counselling and fast! If you want to make this work and by the sounds of your question you do, find someone, your minister, rabbi, priest, or someone outside of the church and get the professional help you need. I am guessing that there is some underlying issues here, but a professional should drag them out. If she is unwilling to try and make this marriage work, then you have no other options than to ask her to leave and move on with your life. Remember this though, your daughter needs to be number one priority in your lives.

And she is the number one reason I haven't kicked my wife to the curb.

My mom-in-law is even calling me crazy, telling me that she doesn't deserve me. Her own mother.

Get rid of the computer. I know, I know, you need it... get rid of the computer. In my mind, this is a basic and undeniable defense step.

An alcoholic does not get better sitting in a room with alcohol all day every day while trying to recover. You two have a long road, and this needs to be the first step.

It's already beyond that. The house computer was left at her parents house, where it will remain. I have my laptop, if she needs to check mail, she can do it on here, while I'm here.

She's already talking to this guy on the phone and claims she loves him.

She just texted me from work and is now trying to bargain with me. She wants to meet him and if it's not what she wanted/expected, she will go to counseling.

I don't think so. I refuse to be the Silver Medal or a consolation prize. She's already hurt me extremely with this affair, to the point any sane individual would have ended it. I'm willing to forgive and try to forget, but not like this.

[JBeaucaire]

Then you're not willing to forgive. That pretty much ends the debate.

[liz28]

I know that you love your wife but it doesn't seem like she loves you the way you does.

Watching her every move isn't going to help at all. In the end she's going get sick of it. Threating to take your daughter away from her isn't good in order to make someone stay with you, isn't good. It's good that she at least cares about her daughter.

Marriage takes two people wanting to be marry to each other in order for it work. She needs individual counseling besides marriage counseling. She has issues that she needs to address.
Even after all of this she stills want to meet this guy and now your becoming involve by contacting the wife. This is going be a big mess. Do you really need to prove to her that this guy is a liar in order for your wife to let him go? What is going happen if anything he told her was true? This just shows again you can't make someone be with you.

It seems that at this point she's unwilling to work on this marriage because she's emotionally attached to someone else. That's why your marriage depends on what he has to say. It shouldn't be that way. She is disregarding your feelings and montioring her computer activities isn't the way to go because she can always use one outside the house. You need to start thinking about yourself and think why do you put up this? It's like you're the 3rd wheel in this marriage.

[brokenpinata]

Then you're not willing to forgive. That pretty much ends the debate.

I am, but not if she's going to drag me through the mud a second time, which is what she wants.

[Synnen]

Here's your counter bargaining chip:

She either goes with you consistently to counseling, loses this guy's number, and commits to being with you and your daughter

OR

She can go with you to a lawyer to draw up separation papers that give you full custody of your daughter, and she can pack her bags and go to this guy permanently.

Basically, you're giving in too much to try to save things. I'm betting if she REALLY thought she could lose you because she wouldn't make changes that she'd start makign changes.

[vagentlemanroa]

You wife does not love you. She is mental for falling in love on the computer. She is miserable with her life-as most wives will do they blame it on the husband. This online dude is promising her happiness, love, and maybe a little money.

You both need help. Tell this dude's wife that he is ruining your marriage. Then go to his house, wait for him to go to his car and break his nose. The dude knew you were married.

The problem is that this society is too . Men need to be men.

Also put your foot down on old girl.

[brokenpinata]

Well, as an update on the situation:

We sat down and really talked things out. She finally cracked and admitted everything she did was wrong and will do everything she can to forget about this guy. I promised to not bring up the subject outside of the counselor's office, as I don't want wounds to start opening again.

But anyway, that said, we have an appointment to meet with a counselor next week.

Last night she came up to my work to ask me out on a date. We ended up going out last night, and had one of the best times we have had in years. The night ended with possibly the best, most passionate sex we have ever had.

While we are far from being fixed, I feel like we are making progress towards fixing our marriage.

[bradysmama17]

Well I don't know much about relationships except for the one I'm in is crummy, I've been in a relationship with my guy for 2 years but I have found someone else, and don't know how to make him leave. He is so immature, and irresponsibel, cheap, and an all around butt, to me. How do I make him leave, but do it nicely?

[asking]

I'm going to be blunt, so maybe you should sit down.

Trying to force a woman to stay in a marriage by threatening to take her daughter away from her IS abusive and controlling. Co-opting her own family against her also suggests that you are abusive. Taking a computer away from an adult is excessively controlling. Quitting your job and moving 500 miles to be near her after knowing her such a short time is also a red flag. The high-conflict relationship is another one.

Everything about your letter sounds like the self justification of a man who has been trying to control his wife for years and twists facts to make himself sound like an innocent victim of her weak character.

Yes, she has made some bad decisions recently and she is obviously upset. If you want her to start making better decisions, stop trying to control every aspect of her life. Who wouldn't be upset if their entire family had turned against them and they were forced to stay with someone or else lose their daughter?

Her bad decisions at this stressful time don't justify what you are doing to her. Stop trying to control her. Your relationship is clearly over. You cannot force her to love you.

Do not try to get sole custody of your daughter. That would be evil. There is no justification here for that. Your custody time should reflect the amount of time you spent alone with your daughter during the marriage. Be honest. How much time per week did you spend alone with your daughter?

If you want to do what's right, tell the truth, cooperate in an amicable divorce, do not try to punish your wife financially, do not try to tell her what to do anymore, and do not try to divide her from her own family anymore.

[vagentlemanroa]

Glad things are working and you did not have to break that guy's face.

But it sure would make you feel good. Watching that dude lie on the ground in his own pool of blood.

But that is just me. If my wife were to cheat I would go crazy.

[talaniman]

Glad to see your on a good path, and I wish you well.

[brokenpinata]

Glad to see your on a good path, and I wish you well.

Well, things turned again. She went to see the counselor yesterday (I go tomorrow) and got into a fight with her parents last night and took out her anger on me. Now she doesn't want to even try to fix things.

While I appreciate her parents looking out for my well-being, they are only hurting things now.

For the record, threatening her by taking away our daughter was her parents doing. Everything they've done is by their own actions, claiming to do it on my behalf.

I am not an abusive, controlling husband. I'm a freaking doormat. I always lay down and let her walk over me. It's only this past week that's I've gotten my spine back and am fighting to keep my family intact.

I did not co-opt her family into turning on her. She turned them on her by her actions. They came to me when I was at home, alone. I didn't go crying to them. Once they learned about her affair, after being told a different story to get them to help her move on with this guy, they turned on her.

Everything about your letter sounds like the self justification of a man who has been trying to control his wife for years and twists facts to make himself sound like an innocent victim of her weak character.

Think how you would like, but I stand by my words. I admit that I wasn't the perfect husband, and I didn't always listen to her, but I never controlled her. As she told me, it started to feel like we were room-mates more than partners. We basically did our own things.

That said, thank you for those who actually listened to what I said and gave advice, not just read and contorted things to what they believed were fact.

[talaniman]

Sorry the way it turned out, but now its time to handle business, and grieve later. Let the emotional dust settle, and cover your a$$, with some good LEGAL advice, just in case.

[brokenpinata]

Sorry the way it turned out, but now its time to handle business, and grieve later. Let the emotional dust settle, and cover your a$$, with some good LEGAL advice, just in case.

Already there. Now my concern is setting in again. I've been talking to his (soon to be ex) wife since yesterday. She knew absolutely nothing about what was going on until we talked. In fact, she didn't "leave" him. Things were rocky, she lost her job and moved back home to get things grounded, and he was supposed to follow her once everything settled.

That aside, he has a criminal record, is a chain smoker, a heavy drinker and smokes pot (and dabbles in hard drugs, as well). All of which I will NOT have my daughter exposed to. My wife says that she will make him change, but I don't foresee that happening. I know this is true about him, because I confronted my wife about these new discoveries and she said she was well aware of it all. Great parental concern, eh?

And for the record, I am going to continue to talk with his wife, as we are both going through the same thing and she has been a great support for me, as I have for her.

I go see the counselor today, so hopefully she'll put this all into perspective for me.

Thanks again, everyone.

[hannah_nicole]

I see this as a simple situation.. She does not love you - LEAVE. Who cares about this new dude its her life you can't control what she does and its none of your business digging around in hers. Tell me does it make it easier for you? Protect your daughter as best you can and move on. The longer this charade goes on the more difficult things will become. End it now and you are one day closer to healed. And stop playing the blame game - no one ever wins.

[talaniman]

This process is really just starting, so forget being a hurt husband, and start thinking like a good dad! Thats all thats important at this point.

[asking]

I am not an abusive, controlling husband. I'm a freaking doormat. I always lay down and let her walk over me. It's only this past week that's I've gotten my spine back and am fighting to keep my family intact.

I am a total stranger and don't know anything about what went on in your marriage. Obviously, I could be totally wrong. I'm only telling you how it sounded from what you said. It's the way you blame everything on others and they way you write. For example, if you are "letting" her walk on you, then you are the one who gets to decide whether she walks on you. In your mind apparently, that makes you the decider and the one in charge.

Consider these two sentences:
"My husband went bowling."
"I let my husband go bowling."

They sound really different, yes?
You sound like the person in the second sentence.

You can't change that just by changing your words, by the way. It's deep within you.