[tadano]

I've recently been doing a lot of thinking and thought I might turn here for advice (sorry in advance for the lengthy post). I feel very uncomfortable talking about this with people I know, because it seems like I'm complaining about a life that a lot of people would kill for. And that's not what I intend.

I am in my early 20s, living in New York City since I graduated college. I like it a lot, and I'm not just saying that. I have a bunch of friends here, and I'm constantly busy. What's more, at 23 years old, I already have what I consider my dream job as a journalist. I make a fair amount of money to survive in this expensive city, I get to travel a lot (which I love), and never once in nearly two years have I ever thought, "Damn, I really don't want to get up and go to work tomorrow." Obviously work is work, but I love what I do. And if I could pick any realistic job for this point in my life, this would be it.

My job, however, is the reason I have to be in New York. And New York is the reason that, despite everything, I still feel unhappy. It's not the city -- I love it. It's the fact that nearly all of my closest friends live back in my home state, and though it's not particularly far away, my work schedule prevents me from visiting as much as I'd like to. And I admit I'd like to a lot. When I go back home, I see all my friends bonding in a way that I can't do in New York, while I'm kicking it here relatively alone. They have a type of fraternity that I can't crack, because I live so far away. My heart longs for their type of life, but my head knows that to get it, I would have to give up everything I have in New York -- most importantly, this job that I've always wanted.

At first, I thought this was all just regular homesickness. I get homesick relatively easily, and had a tough time adjusting to college (and though I eventually liked it a lot, I wouldn't consider it the "best four years" of my life). But I've lived in NYC for almost two years now, and the pangs that I feel haven't dulled at all. They subside a bit when I'm in the city for a while, and especially when I'm on the road for work (which has been kind of an escape for me). But every time I go back home to visit, they come roaring back, and I'm hit with waves of nostalgia. I think it's fair to call them bouts of depression.

I've come to realize all this, and so I've tried to force myself to stay away from home a little bit. I'm not very good at that, though. I'm close with my family and obviously very close with the friends I have there, so I take mostly every opportunity I get to go home (maybe once every three weeks or so). It's funny, because I'm the type of person where, although I like NYC and everything about it, I don't need it. I'm just as happy in a small town as I am in a big one, as long as I'm with the people closest to me. And I just feel like, for all the great experiences I'm getting here, I'm missing out on a different set of experiences back home. I just feel like I belong there a little more than I belong here.

I don't want to waste my early- to mid-20s being unhappy. But like I said, to move back home, I'd have to give up my dream job for something that likely pays less, and that I'll almost certainly enjoy less. It's not something that I'm seriously considering doing, but I still can't stop those thoughts from constantly seeping into my head. And it's affecting my mental health to a significant degree.

Anyway, thanks to anyone who read this to end. Perhaps some of you have insights or a perspective that I don't. If nothing else, it was important for me to get all this off my chest.

[TexasParent]

Ask yourself what is it you miss about being home, and I don't mean the specifics as in specific friends or family. Is it a sense of belonging, a social life, etc.

You can have those in New York if you want to.

Although the situation was different for me, 10 years ago I divorced my wife and she took the kids, everything about my world was different and unfamiliar to what I had grown up with and what I dreamed my life would be like. I was in a funk trying to figure out what I was missing.

A friend introduced me to a billiard league and the rest is history. Two nights a week I played pool. I satisfied my competitiveness in a friendly way, I met friends that I would never have intended to or knew how on my own, and it gave me that routine with friends and aquintances I used to have when I was married.

Join a club or sport of some sort and you may be surprised how much more you come to love New York. As the song and the show Cheers says; a place to go where everyone knows your name.

Also, if you have anything you can teach either through volunteering or at college or something. Giving to others provides a wonderful sense of connection.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Good luck.

[tadano]

I think that might be exactly what I miss... a place where "everybody knows my name." Like I said, I have my fair share of friends here, but it's always going to meet one person at one isolated place, or another person at another. I have no "group" of friends who are all friends with each other, and I can't just walk into a bar or a party and know half the people there, like I could at home. My two best friends here are people I've known no longer than five years. Back home, I regularly hang out with people who have known me since I was in elementary school. So maybe that's part of it.

I wish I could join an recreational sports league, or something like that, but my job has such crazy hours that it's near impossible. I work most nights and weekends, and the rare ones that I do have free, I spend trying to maintain relationships with the friends I have out here. I guess part of what I long for, in that sense, is a "normal life," which is impossible with this job.

[TexasParent]

I think that might be exactly what I miss...a place where "everybody knows my name." Like I said, I have my fair share of friends here, but it's always going to meet one person at one isolated place, or another person at another. I have no "group" of friends who are all friends with each other, and I can't just walk into a bar or a party and know half the people there, like I could at home. My two best friends here are people I've known no longer than five years. Back home, I regularly hang out with people who have known me since I was in elementary school. So maybe that's part of it.

I wish I could join an recreational sports league, or something like that, but my job has such crazy hours that it's near impossible. I work most nights and weekends, and the rare ones that I do have free, I spend trying to maintain relationships with the friends I have out here. I guess part of what I long for, in that sense, is a "normal life," which is impossible with this job.

What about something that has some flexibility, like a bike club, you ride when you are able. Or something that has the flexibility of the internet with a once a month real meeting; let's say a chess club. Both probably not great examples, but I am sure if you check your community newspaper or local library there are plenty of things you could do part time and people would know your name if you know what I mean.

Whatever it is, do what you like but make sure that it's a group thing or there is the ability to meet people. You know the saying, bring the body and the mind will follow. The point is, pick something and try it, if it's not for you, try something else; but keep trying. Don't dismiss something in your head first; because that's exactly why you are in this mental place to begin with. Get out and find something that interests you in some sort of group or organized way so that it has the structure to stay together and keep bring people together.

Heck if you loved the Yankee's it could be something as goofy as joining the fan club and attending meeting (yes, another extremely poor example, I don't want you to get beaten up... lol).

I used to play slo-pitch in my late 20's and 30's in a league. We would have a great time then we would go for beers after the game and some of us would then find things to do like golf on the weekend occasionally and have barbecues. Our team played together for many years, some sort of league may be something to consider.

[Choux]

There is no reason why you can't make friends in NYC... unless you are rulingout a whole lot of women for some reason or another. :)

Leaving home is pretty much about growing up and surviving happily when left to your own devices. Being successful in a career, making friends, having new activities, and so on. Learn to say, "Hey, do you want to go out to lunch?" You have to start somewhere. :)

[tadano]

Right, I understand that, but I think this is getting off topic a little bit. I DO have friends in New York City. I go out with various people almost every free night I have. There is rarely, if ever, a weekend where I don't have options or invitations for things to do.

Which is why I'm so distressed that I still feel so much more comfortable back home.

[Choux]

I think it's about forgoing the comfort of childhood and becoming an autonomous adult.

Happiness is not about externals, but about how we feel inside. No externals can make us happy if we are not happy inside.

If you went back to your hometown, you would be unhappy within six months.

Life is about change, everything changes, including our old friends, ourselves and our prospects. The secret of life is to find out how to be happy in all circumstances, because circumstances are always changing, emotions are always changing. :)

Very best wishes to you,

[TexasParent]

Ok so you agreed that "where everybody knows your name" is a component of what you feel you are missing in NYC. What else are you missing when you compare your relationships back home? Where you a teacher, did your friends and family look to you for advice? Were you a giver, did you always help your friends and family?

Having people to give to is very rewarding and also gives us a feeling of connection. In short, if this is part of it, I think you are missing people to love. It is when we give love, kindness, charity, etc. to others that we feel our life has some purpose. This may have been built into your life back home and you may have to find an environment in your spare time to fulfill this need to give.

Now giving is an example, I would examine your relationships you had back home and try and figure out what is missing.

Personally, I think it all comes back to love, giving and companionship, not necessarily with an individual (although you may do fine with that) but also with a group or an interest involving people with similar interests, etc.