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Clink · Oct 27, 2008, 06:47 AM

I've recently found out that one of my best friends husband has pushed her around in the past, this all came to head a few weekends ago when he was very absuse and the police caught him strangling her.

The police have put a restraining order on him, however she's such a good and sensible person and is thinking of possibly going back to him.

Their relationship has been a mess for at least 18 months and he has issues with drinking. Unfortunately their businesses depend on each other and I think this is the only reason keeping them together. They aren't to talk to each other until the court case etc but I just don't know what advice to give her. Any ideas? I really don't want her to get back together with him but it has to be her decision.

MsMewiththat · Oct 27, 2008, 07:23 AM

You're a good friend for wanting to help. The only way to truly help is to be there for her no matter what she chooses. Your correct in stating that it is her decision and she may decide that she isn't finished yet. The hardest part of the situation is knowing that she may be making a mistake and having to stand by her while she makes it. Be there for her and be a friend, listen, love and never judge. PRAY

450donn · Oct 27, 2008, 07:53 AM

If you really want to help your friend, get her out of this abusive situation before her husband goes to jail for murder. He has already proven capable of trying to kill her, what part of this do people not understand. GET OUT!! Get as far away from him as possible. Until he can learn to control his drinking and what ever else he is doing she is in mortal danger.

southerngalps · Oct 27, 2008, 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by 450donn

If you really want to help your friend, get her out of this abusive situation before her husband goes to jail for murder. He has already proven capable of trying to kill her, what part of this do people not understand. GET OUT!!! Get as far away from him as possible. Until he can learn to control his drinking and what ever else he is doing she is in mortal danger.

Yes. 15 more seconds of strangling could have ended in murder. A push can lead to someone's neck being broken. You never know how the situation will end. I see no problem with him getting help. He has to prove it and stay away from her in the process.

lady_rose · Oct 28, 2008, 03:04 PM

I have to agree, she doesn't need to go back to him. Take her to a Battered Woman's shelter, they have the means to help her understand that she doesn't need to go back to him...

Absolute · Oct 28, 2008, 03:11 PM

Well, I think that this man sounds like he has major issues. He needs to go to counseling and maybe even a alcoholics anonymous. Make sure your friend gets him help. Give her numbers and ideas of how to help him and her have a better relationship. He needs anger management and they need to go to couples counseling too. This needs to be well thought out. On his side and her side.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 28, 2008, 05:56 PM

She needs to get out, but sadly most abused women go back again and again and again,

Kati-Katt · Oct 28, 2008, 06:06 PM

If she is really determined to go back with him you can encourage her all you want but although it sounds stupid to let her but if she's sure that's what she wants just be happy for her and when it does happen get her out of there as fast as you can and be there to catch her when she falls.

talaniman · Oct 28, 2008, 09:13 PM

You can only tell her to get rid of this abuse by leaving, and support her after that. Her choice to make unfortunately.

asking · Oct 28, 2008, 09:28 PM

Give her information about abusive partners so that she understands he's likely to become more abusive, that she is in danger, that even if he stops being violent, he will be emotionally abusive (e.g. humiliating her and tearing her down, isolating her) and economically abusive. She needs to separate her business from him. She should have a good lawyer.

There is so much help these days--battered women's shelters, websites with information about the cycle of abuse, books such as those by Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft; groups that meet and talk about abuse.

Persuade her to stay away from him. Of course, you can't physically restrain her from going back to him (at least not legally), but don't say nothing. If she was stepping in front of a train in her sleep, would you do nothing? Of course not! She is under his influence and it's legitimate to try to persuade her to stay away from her. I feel we all have an obligation to urge our friends to stay away from such people.

Clink · Oct 30, 2008, 01:20 AM

Thank you all so much for this advice, let's hope it works!