[testimonyoflife]

Hello,

I am really in need of seeking some advice from people.

One year plus ago, I met this really special man and we just clicked right from the start. Being pretty young and not too experience in dating, I did not really fully understood what I was getting into.

He was married for over 10 years and had 2 young girls, 6 and 7 from his last marriage. He cited breakup in marriage because they had lost feelings for each other and was fighting in front of his kids all the time. He and the Ex decided it was best they part ways.

He is 40 this year and I am 26.

I am starting to feel that I was thinking with my @ss when I got into the relationship in the first place.. meaning.. I never fully understood the consequences of me getting into A relationship with a Man WITH KIDS

It is horrible for me as I know that I require a lot of time and attention in a relationship, to be away every other weekend or to bring his kids into my life every other weekend is taking a BIG TOLL on me. I felt I can't breathe, I feel that my life revolves around other people's kids, I felt that I have to plan everything with him way in advance, never get priority in his life, always 4th or 5th, he spends ALL his holidays with his kids, I have to stay back as its "not the time to go on holidays together yet" (his excuse, whatever), he is broke, plus he uses whatever is leftover on his children..

I really dun get this, before we got into the relationship, I asked him what are the implications of being with him, he said very little... his kids will be like visiting every other weekend, but I wasn't faced with their attention-seeking ways, needing him to visit every other function and he said I will be the priority in his life, because.. well he is with me right?

After moving in with him, we quarreled a lot because of the issues I mentioned above and after which he admitted that I was never a priority.. his kids are.. and will always be.. he feels guilty he can't spend this weekend with them because he is travelling blah blah and offers to take them on the other weekends when he is supposed to be with me..

I really start to wonder what the f*7K am I getting into.

THis is NOT what I got into for... this is NOT what he said he can offer me.

Problem is I have invested too much time and efforts on this relationship...

Can anyone who has been there please enlighten me on this... would you get involved with your man with kids if you have a second chance to?

Or should I be more positive thinking he is a good father... but dam.. he is a good father but dam lousy partner to me at the moment..

Help?

Any advice is very much appreciated..

[JBeaucaire]

Well, at least you're viewing the reality of the situation NOW clearly. You are right, not only will you always come in 4th or 5th in his priorities, it is rightly so.

Men and women who connect as singles and build a life together and then add the kids later... the whole thing is supposed to balance. But that's not your formula at all. You don't really get to pine after the "what ifs" of life were he a different man with no kids. He's not. He is who he is.

Regardless of how things may or may not have been fully discussed and realized ahead of time, his responsibilities to his kids precede his relationship with you. His kids will come first, you should not only understand and expect it, as long as you're in the picture you MUST facilitate it as well. All with a happy, ever-patient smile.

That is the package you've bought. You can stay and accept the facts as they are... because they are correct and true. Or you can admit you're not cut out to be the step-mother... which may be the case and is not a failing on your part if that is true.

The only "failure" here is if you stay and gripe and pout and nag this man to diminish his attentions to the kids to benefit you. It happens all the time, and many men acquiesce. And it's the kids who pay the price.

Their father belongs to them, and he appears willing to share his life with you as best he can in the meantime. If that's not enough, you need to bow out gracefully.

[ZoeMarie]

Ok, coming from the kid's point of view I can tell you that if you can't accept his kids and the fact that they are his number one priority you don't belong in this kind of relationship. My dad got married shortly after my mom died and the woman did not accept us at all. She didn't want us spending any time together as a family. She put dead bolt locks on the bedroom door. My brother and I were not allowed in there. She didn't make dinner for us- just for her and my dad.

I realize your situation probably isn't exactly like what mine was, but it was just the idea that she needed to be number one in my dad's life and all my brother and I had at ages 8 and 11 was each other. It was really hard and by the time my dad realized how messed up the situation was they had already been married 5 years. Then my dad finally put his foot down and they got divorced. I really don't mean to ramble, but these kinds of situations are really hard.

[EN Ken]

What you are feeling is normal and understandable.

The fact of the matter is, he has given you the terms of the relationship and you can either accept them or you can walk and the choice is that simple.

It is understandable that you want to be a priority in his life and I imagine that you're feeling somewhat abandoned when he goes off to his kids and leaves you on your own. This is normal. The fact that he has told you that you are not the priority in his life does not help this fact.

You cannot change how he prioritizes his life so you have the choice of either staying with him and being 4th or 5th in terms of priority or you can leave and find a relationship where you're 1st or 2nd. This is a choice you need to make soon because if you do not, then all of these emotions you are experiencing are going to come out in more and more intense arguments which is damaging to both you and him.

[testimonyoflife]

Hello, thanks to all for replying...

I would like to say that the thought of leaving crossed my mind more than a few times.. to just pack up and go.. but it is REALLY HARD... the times we had alone together in my opinion are some of the best times in my life, and he thought so too.

We broke up already once as I could not take it all, but eventually he tried salvaging and we are back again.

What is hurting for me is that I put him as 1st place as whatever I do. I expect the man I love to do the same. I know he doesn't, he knows he doesn't. He seems to have this perpetual guilt towards his kids.. and tries SO HARD to make up for it, even though if it means canceling our special trip to babysit his children because the Ex "needs to go somewhere" or "have other plans".

I never had to go through something like this before, this is my first time dating a man with kids. To put it straight, if I EVER go back in time, I wouldn't have started knowing and loving him. But I did, apart from the fact that he has his kids, places me in the position with having only "leftovers" of his time... I can say he is the perfect guy for me. Its like we are meant to be together. Its like you have found your soulmate and God decides to play a cruel joke on you with his baggage. (sorry for the term, but it is a term accepted by many)

Okay, and regarding ZoeMarie's post, I have to say that you or your father had tough luck.. seriously. As female yourself (I think), you know what all women wants, what women fantasize... we get into a relationship to give, love and nurture each other and to eventually build a family. Not to be mean to other people. Or other's children for that matter. I am not sure what you have done to your stepmom to deserve this, but its either your dad had very bad judgment in women, or you and your brother did something bad towards her.

Try my version of the Cinderella Not-yet-Stepmom but getting there -

I did try my best to be a good girlfriend. I only moved in after 1 year of dating. When his kids visit, I give them time alone, I try not to touch him too much (once he hugged me when we are watching TV, and the youngest one came over and sat on his lap and took his hands away and after that he kind of avoided any physical touch with me). He took his kids to games, plays, movies, I was alone surfing the internet on every other weekend, he took his kids for a holiday, I was alone for 2 weeks, 1 week, etc. Plus, I did all the cooking, cleaning and washing when they are here. When I go out, I buy nice trinkets and educational games for them. To be honest, I think the kids kind of like me, but to prove their loyalty to their mom, they had to treat me with indifference I guess. I dun blame them.. they are only children.

But I know that is not the issue here, the girls are great, and I never have anything against them nor have I done anything against them, I think they love my cooking even! But its how my man makes me feel that is killing me inside slowly. He makes me feel that I am not worthy of his time. He makes me feel he really love me, but is too selfish to think for my welfare and my behalf sometimes. He makes me feel he is greedy sometimes by wanting the best of both worlds, and leave me high and dry when it's a choice between them or me.

I put him as #1. I am not #1. Plus I get all the 'leftover' time he has and he prefers to spend his holidays with his kids.

I used to be positive and happy . Now I just feel I am stuck in a place I can't get out of.

I really wonder where I am going in this relationship. He said the situation will change after we have kids. He said we will ALL go on holidays and if I can't go he will stay at home with the baby and I. But to me, deep down, I really wonder, he has "promised" a lot of things before I got into this with him, like he will juggle his time well, but how is it possbile not to feel jaded when I see all my friends around me dating single men getting their boyfriends EVERY weekend, getting married, experiencing first child... while I have to make excuses for him BECAUSE he has two children every time I find myself alone and crying.

Also, why did he say that the situation will change after we have kids.. is he saying that hey, next time when you have my kid, you will be more important, but not now? I find that to be BS.

He said after his kids gets used to me I can go on holidays with them, I ask him when, he said NOT SURE...

I find myself carrying on this relationship for all the promises of the future.

What do you think ? Any ladies has some similar experience? Is it worth to carry on now for the future?

Anyone has experience with being a stepmom? Would you go there again?

In the meantime, any flamings, encouragements or sympathy is much appreciated... :p

[JBeaucaire]

He makes me feel he is greedy sometimes by wanting the best of both worlds, and leave me high and dry when it's a choice between them or me.

There is no choice. He isn't making one because there isn't one. If he can't have the "best of both worlds" because you'll only be happy if the kids are left 'high and dry' for your benefit' on some occasions, you need to bow out.

I put him as #1. I am not #1. Plus I get all the 'leftover' time he has and he prefers to spend his holidays with his kids.

If you get all his leftover time, and all you can muster is "not enough, I want some of their time, too"... you need to bow out.

I used to be positive and happy . Now I just feel I am stuck in a place I can't get out of.

Then you need to bow out.

why did he say that the situation will change after we have kids.. is he saying that hey, next time when you have my kid, you will be more important, but not now? I find that to be BS.why did he say that the situation will change after we have kids.. is he saying that hey, next time when you have my kid, you will be more important, but not now? I find that to be BS.

He said it because it's true. You still have the worldview of a single girl courting a man. He has the worldview and REALITY of a dedicated father. When you finally have a kid, you'll understand what you're clearly missing. Right now, you still think like a single girl.

Single girls want to be the center of their man's world. And I suppose that's normal, though that's not all that healthy either, but it is what we see all the time, so what can you do? Whether his noble obligations are motivated by guilt or not, who cares? If you can't set aside your single girl dating jealousy of his noble obligations, you need to bow out.

Notice I'm not telling you to get out for my reasons, I'm saying it in response to YOURS.

The options here are clear -

1. Gracefully bow out
2. Lovingly accept and PARTICIPATE in the rearing of these children. Accept the leftovers you get because you seem to get them all. Good for him, he doesn't push you down to 10th after sports and hanging with the guys and a lot of other things...he gives HIS free time to you, he just doesn't give you THEIR time, none of it.

Meanwhile, you're trying to exercise a third option that doesn't exist, trying somehow to make hum realize how he needs to put you first over the kids every now and then. That is not only not true, it a horrible goal when looked at head on this way.

If you can't join this parade, you need to bow out.

[ZoeMarie]

I didn't do anything to my stepmom and my brother didn't either. The fact that you assume that actually makes me mad. She didn't want my dad to spend any time with us at all. She wanted ALL of his time. She just didn't accept us. After years of counseling she actually called me and said she was sorry for the way she treated us, that we didn't deserve it.

[ZoeMarie]

I wanted to add that I didn't think what you were feeling wasn't normal, I know we need attention, but going into a relationship with a man that has kids is hard, and that's all I was trying to say. Not only is it hard for the woman, but for the kids too. With my brother and me there was no time to even deal with the loss of our mother let alone getting used to a woman that wanted nothing to do with us. I'm not saying that my situation was anything like yours, but I was just sharing what my brother and I went through.

[kamimac83]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I fell in love with a man who is separated with two children- HE STILL Isn't DIVORCED! We just had our own baby 5 months ago- and I thought that would make me feel like I was just as important (not as the kids, but as important as HER because she is the mom of his kids)- not that that was WHY I wanted a baby with him, I love him and really want to spend my life with him. The fact that the kids came before me never bothered me- my mom left all five of her kids so that she could be a happy single woman wit my step-dad. I guess because of that I understood why he would have course put his children first, I EXPECT HIM TO! What bothered me, was at the time we didn't have our own child, he always would say things like "well, i have to look out for her, she is the mother of my children" THAT PISSED ME OFF! Because I should come before HER at least! I just talked to him and told him how I felt- men are idiots! What was worse is I told him before he moved in with me that I wanted him toget divorced right away- it has now been 2 years- and they still do their taxes together, and he splits the money with HER! HHe swears that when he gets his tax money he will get the divorce- so now I have a baby with a married man! And its HARDER now! His kids love me, and I love them, and they love our baby- it's the EX that giets on my damn nerves because I feel like my man is contantly bowing down to her or more concerned about helping her out than me, and making sure we have what we need too! She has aman that wants to marry her, poor bastard, and has money in the bank to buy a house for her, she doesn't work, really never has- because my man took care of her after their kids were born- but I HAVE to work and leave my baby every day because he can't afford his child support AND taking care of me and OUR baby... I'm trying to say it only getrs harder! Andi wanted to be numbe 1 too- I say move on and don't get stuck like me!

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

You are 26 bail!! Why deal with this when you can be with someone without kids.

Then it's our kids, not his kids, his inlaws, etc. Society is so screwed from stupid decisions.

Make the right one and START FRESH! Or date for another 5 years, that puts you at 31, now your chances of finding a single guy with no kids is reduced dramatically.

I am a Guy and he is playing you. Once you have kids with him you are screwed. No money now, just wait. Ex wife always in the picture fighting about how the funds are allocated.

Quit idealizing and use your brain. I can't believe you are even discussing this. At your age this is the easiest decision ever.

[kamimac83]

Living life- have u been in this situation? Because why would someone take advice from someone who doesn't understand!! And just because he is legally married doesn't mean he can't move on after a relationship- its just paperwork...

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

kamimac83 - No I have never been in that situation. I use protection and think about the consequences of my actions on myself, my girlfriend and the unborn. However, I have dated women with kids and frankly avoid it at all costs.

Kids have enough problems today. This is why the world has so many issues. The parental units are dysfunctional. Then they try to overcompensate by spoiling the child. Remember every child gets a trophy (don't want to hurt their feelings).

So we now have a generation of kids that think they deserve everything without working (think housing bubble).

I am not saying this applies to you. Kids deserve the best parents that they can have. Someone who explains the difference between wrong and right. Maybe this is you, maybe its not.

BTW don't want to steal the thread but why did you have a kid with him. Did you think that he would then marry you? I'm not buying your it's just a paper line.

Also, I tried to go back and change my rep to Agree but couldn't figure out how. You and I both think she should bail.