[THERESE HUmphrey]

My 20 yr. Old daughter who has been independently living in another state (1000 miles away) with her boyfriend whom I don't approve of at all, wants to move closer to me in the state I live in, possibly the same city. She called me to ask if that was okay. Of course, I would love it if it was only her but he is planning on moving with her. She has lived with him since graduating from high school much to my disapproval. He has no goals in life, smokes pot and at times in the past, has been emotionally abusive to her. It is very hard, but I told her maybe she should move out here without him, I told her I would help her with finances until she gets settled ( getting a job, signing up for college courses etc. ) and stay with me until we find her an apt. But if he comes I will not help her with getting an apt. She responded that he will come eventually once she finds a place to stay. I don't want to lose our good relationship but I can't bring myself to accept him! Her stepfather(my husband) is adamant about them moving here and says it will just bring us unwanted drama and problems! I don't know what to do, I want to help my daughter in every way I can but I don't want him to reap the benefits of me doing so. Do I tell her to come but I'm not helping her since he will be living with her! I miss her so much and wish she would just break off with this loser and move here by herself! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[ChihuahuaMomma]

I don't see a problem with your dislike for her boyfriend since you have a basis for it. However, I don't think that you should refuse her help or assistance because of him. That's putting HER in a difficult situation. She has to choose between the two of you, and that seems somewhat selfish. You should help her no matter what. I can tell that you love your daughter and want the best for her. But she has to learn what is best for her in her own time and way. SO, I say ask her to move close to you, help her if she needs it, and possibly even make an effort to re-get to know him. What do you have to lose??

I know what it's like to have family that lives so far away, it's difficult and it hurts not being able to see them when you want, on holidays and having your mother-daughter time.

That's what I would do. My opinion. Hope it helps.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

You are welcome.

[ScottGem]

I think you have a valid reason for having nothing to do with the boyfriend. But I think that's all the more reason for you to remain close to your daughter. By keeping close you have a better chance of convincing her that her boyfriend is a bad life choice.