[donf]

We have all seen several postings asking why men cheat, correct?

So allow me to rephrase the question and ask why don't you cheat on your marriage partner?

[LearningAsIGo]

Excellent Question!

Reasons I don't cheat :

For Love
For Respect
For SELF Respect
For The Commitment I Made
For My Religious Convictions

That pretty much sums it up :)

[jipflorist]

I don't cheat because I love him and that was not the way that I was raised. It is called Morals. Why would you marry that person if you are just going to cheat on them/

[donf]

Interesting stat. My question sought positive responses for not cheating. There have been three responses and 25 views to my original question.

Two previous questions, with negative context:

"Why men cheat": 41 responses, 503 views.

"For those dating married men" 64 responses, 5,436 views.

So it seems to me that it is quite likely that people may be willing to muck rake rather that support "Marriage".

Synnen, I know that we disagree often, but would you be willing to comment on my point?

[Emland]

I don't cheat because I believe the promise I made.

I think folks don't follow these threads because this subject doesn't fire up prurient interest, i.e. folks like us are boring :(

[sylvan_1998]

However ambiguous these questions are, I have read and kept up with them both. I do feel the commitment to spend my life with someone is paramount to any other commitment, I realize those are my feelings. My spouse is adamant that the deal breaker would be if I cheated. That is why I don't cheat. Out of respect for him, the commitment to spending my life with him (not wanting to interrupt this because of children), and because I do not want him to one daybe hurt by something that he was never meant to be a party to.

I am sure many people will not like my answer, but the bottom line is I don't cheat and this is why.

[JBeaucaire]

Don, I think drawing a statistical conclusion comparing your 1-day old post with two that have been up for weeks... a little premature. Hehe.

On the other hand, the forum is, by design, a place for people to come for help when things are screwed up... and royally sometimes. The people who are here helping are far outnumbered by the flailing masses, so I would expect the negative bias to be there if we're strictly going by numbers.

Just a thought.

[donf]

JB,

Possibly, "Stat" was a poor choice of word.

What I was trying to get at is that there seems to be a plethora of people who know why people cheat. So I thought for balance sake I would pose the opposite question to let all of us know that there are reasons and hard choices made not to cheat.

Personally, I would never want to hurt my wife by cheating on her. That would destroy the fabric of trust between us that has helped us weather a myriad of storms.

[Emland]

Personally, I would never want to hurt my wife by cheating on her. That would destroy the fabric of trust between us that has helped us weather a myriad of storms.

I think that is a big difference between cheaters and non-cheaters. Non-cheaters think of others while cheaters think mainly of themselves.

[DoulaLC]

It's just something you don't do. If you are in a committed relationship, you simply don't step outside those bounds.

I may see someone and think, "He's really good looking", or think that someone is very compassionate, or funny, or intelligent, etc. but I would have no desire to cheat on my husband with someone.

[kelly514]

I wouldn't cheat simply because that would be degrading myself... If everyone started cheating then our relationship with any one individual would become almost meaningless, you lose a certain intimacy you get with that special someone... and you hurt your partner and for what? For someone who has not and will not be a part of your life especially when times are bad!. Not worth it!

[talaniman]

Don't have time for that nonsense. Plus I gave my word.

[NowWhat]

I made a vow to my husband before God and my family.
I promised him to love and honor him until death.
No person is worth breaking my word, no matter what trials our relationship is going through.

Trials in life make you stronger.
There is a saying - "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it"

I love my husband, I would never - ever hurt him like that or destroy my family.

Affairs are like putting a bomb in the middle of a busy street - when it explodes, it hurts a lot of people.

[Synnen]

Comment on your stat? Well, I think it's a little off, for one, simply because your thread hasn't been around as long.

For another--I've been EXTREMELY busy with life lately; as a matter of fact, I've had others helping me keep an eye on the boards I moderate because I just haven't had much time to be here. Which, really, is why this is the first time I've seen your question.

I have plenty of reasons not to cheat. I gave my word. I wouldn't want to hurt my husband. The trust I've regained isn't worth losing everything over. I enjoy the respect of my husband. I could go on and on.

The thing is this: If you hadn't asked me personally what my opinion was on this, I probably wouldn't have answered. When I was answering the question as to why people cheat, it was to help people understand that while sometimes it's NOT their fault that a partner cheats, other times they DO have to share the blame.

If your partner has reached out every way they know how to communicate their unhappiness, and you don't respond to that, or make changes---well, then you're at least partly at fault when the cheating happens, because you didn't work on your relationship yourself until it fell apart, or until it actually affected YOU. (I am, by the way,using the general "you" here, not pointing fingers at anyone). In any case, when people are asking the "why do people cheat" question, they're trying to understand their own situation, where a partner has cheated on them. I'm just trying to help them understand the OTHER side of things, simply because I've been there, and it might actually help in repairing a relationship.

But as to why people do NOT cheat---well, there are as many reasons for that as there are people. Trust, love, respect, and keeping your word would probably be the biggest answers. But... who is that helping? If someone came here and said "I'm thinking about cheating", my advice would ALWAYS be to try something else. I'm not exactly an advocate of cheating, here!

So... in my rambling "need more coffee" way, my answer to why more people haven't answered your question is that your question is more for curiosity, or for feeling people out on how they feel about cheating, rather than being someone who is here genuinely confused about their relationship situation. And while the topic really does deal with marriage, you'd be more likely to get a spirited discussion in Member Discussions, which is really what you're kind of looking for here.

[NeedKarma]

I'll also go for Respect and Self-Respect on why I don't cheat.

[donf]

Synnen,

Your sixth paragraph struck me as well as most of your response.

To para.#6 I would add that the reasons people cheat are probably equal to the number of reasons there are not to cheat.

Opinion, when things get bad in a relationship you to look around for solace and are proably to be willing to pay any price for the peace it brings. It still comes down to your choice but I do understand the, "Why".

For me, I can never say I don't understand or "I didn't think." I know exactly exactly how Bon would feel.

[Synnen]

No.

I want to make sure you understand this.

I cheated ONCE.

I would never do so again.

I had my reasons for cheating, at the time, and most of them came down to "I was doing all of the work in the relationship for someone who was ungrateful, neglectful, obviously wasn't listening, and who wasn't meeting MY needs". Don't get me wrong---I TRIED to communicate, TRIED to get through to him, and TRIED to make things better. I didn't plan on cheating, as I doubt many people do.

You have to remember that I (and probably most people who cheat, really) really and truly felt that he wouldn't care if I cheated, since he didn't care about anything ELSE in our relationship.

The people that truly can't understand how anyone could EVER cheat have never been in the position where you're in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't even seem to know you're there most of the time.

Look, I know what you're saying, and yes, it would hurt my husband too deeply for me to even consider cheating on him. But once upon a time, I was hurting BECAUSE he didn't seem to care what I did, who I was, or how I felt.

[NowWhat]

The people that truly can't understand how anyone could EVER cheat have never been in the position where you're in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't even seem to know you're there most of the time.

I truly can't understand it. I have been in that relationship that you are describing. I didn't cheat. He did. And still I can't understand it.

And for what I am about to say - I mean no disrespect to you at all - please don't take offense because this is my opinion.

It seems when you (the general you) list off the reasons of why you cheat - you are making excuses or trying to justify your behavior.
Looking for something to make the action okay. And that the person being cheated ON deserved it in someway. I can honestly say that I was trying everything I knew how to do to make my marriage better and it still happened. I can also honestly say - I DID NOT deserve what I got!

Again, just my opinion.

[helpstep]

No.

I want to make sure you understand this.

I cheated ONCE.

I would never do so again.

I had my reasons for cheating, at the time, and most of them came down to "I was doing all of the work in the relationship for someone who was ungrateful, neglectful, obviously wasn't listening, and who wasn't meeting MY needs". Don't get me wrong---I TRIED to communicate, TRIED to get through to him, and TRIED to make things better. I didn't plan on cheating, as I doubt many people do.

You have to remember that I (and probably most people who cheat, really) really and truly felt that he wouldn't care if I cheated, since he didn't care about anything ELSE in our relationship.

The people that truly can't understand how anyone could EVER cheat have never been in the position where you're in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't even seem to know you're there most of the time.

Look, I know what you're saying, and yes, it would hurt my husband too deeply for me to even consider cheating on him. But once upon a time, I was hurting BECAUSE he didn't seem to care what I did, who I was, or how I felt.

I think what you're saying makes total sense and I thank you for your insight. Based on what you said do you think it is best to share with your spouse you cheated, or pretend it never happened. I ask because if the person didn't plan on cheating, it happened, and they don't plan on doing it again... is it worth telling your spouse and hurting the relationship or do you just move on and act like it never happened?

[simoneaugie]

Negativity? Just turn on the TV. People are attracted to horror stories whether they want to help with it or not. They gossip about horror as if it was something separate from them.

Non-cheaters and cheaters are both human. We change as time goes by. Our relationships change too. Some choose the high road no matter what. The ones that cheat, and then ask for help, get attention...

Don't support sensationalism. Choose the high road in all aspects of life, especially when attempting to help another. It's about motives and self-assesment, none of us have it right all the time.

"Life's a journey, not a destination. And how high can you fly with broken wings?"