[ZoeMarie]

Maybe it's just me, but right now I feel under appreciated by my husband. I have made all the calls and done all the footwork for just about everything regarding the house that we just bought on September 30th. I have been the one that's called to make sure we have water, electricity, gas, garbage pickup, and cable (making sure that I or someone else was at the house when people came to read the meters). I have been the one doing the laundry, doing most of the dishes, running to the store and running other errands and on top of watching an 11 year old dog and a brand new puppy to make sure they don't eat each other's food, go potty in the house, or fight because the 11 year old dog is constantly growling at the puppy, even if she only walks by him. So I guess you could say I'm under a lot of stress. We both work full- time but I feel like when he's home he doesn't see all the things that need to be done. I do appreciate when he washes his cereal bowl or at least rinses out his milk glass once in a while but he makes me feel like crap if I ask him for help. I love him to death and I know he loves me too but I don't know how to get him on the same page as me as far as responsibilities go. I try talking to him and he says "you make it sound like I don't do anything." well half the time I want to tell him it's because you don't. But then he would bring up the fact that he cleaned his cereal bowl.

And get this, this morning he called me to ask about the cable service. I asked him why he doesn't call the cable company himself and ask because I'm tired of making phone calls. I told him I already got the cable service set up "for you." The he goes off on a tangent asking why I always say I do things for him when in reality I do things for us. I can kind of see what he's saying but at the same time, I didn't get the internet and TV for me so much. I hardly ever watch TV whereas he can become glued to the screen and he won't get off the internet for hours. My computer isn't even connected to the internet. I can get on at work if I need to. Then he'll say something like "why do you say you're making dinner for me when you're really making dinner for us?" I don't know why he doesn't understand that I make what he wants, I make dinner, buy groceries, with him in mind. I don't think of myself when I do things like that. I just think what would make him happy. I'm not a very selfish person. I always try put those around me first. What I can't understand is why he doesn't appreciate all the things I do, or even acknowledge them for that matter. I just want for him, if he's not going to help out, to say, "thank you honey."

I guess I just needed to vent. Thank you to anyone who reads this...

[JBeaucaire]

I understand totally! And in your story (and real life) I'm the absent-gratefulness husband. I've been there. I've done that.

You do need to get him on board. The only way guys are ever motivated to do ANYTHING is if it's their own idea or there is a positive motivation. You'll never nag him into helping. Male stubbornness knows no limits. (*ashamed*)

You'll have to stop doing some things at all, and you will have to change the way you talk. (I know... this is still YOU doing stuff to make this work... egad!). Stop talking about what you do or even what he does. Talk about what "we" need to do.

Let's pick our first goal. Don't go buy groceries EVER again. Don't do it. When he finally asks when you're going, reply, "Oh, we need to get groceries...ok, when do we want to go? Tonight? I don't have anything planned, sounds like fun, let's go!" All positive and happy and eager an UNACCUSING.

I am SURE he will hem and haw. If he won't go or says for you to go alone, "No, I can wait til you're free. So, what are we going to do tonight?" Go buy groceries together when he's ready. Have fun in the store. Listen to his suggestions for food and take many of them. Don't worry about money... include him. That's the point. Ask him for suggestions on things you don't really need help on... hehe.

Dishes, do them for now. Get him into the kitchen through the shopping trick, followed soon after by the cooking trick, which is basically the same thing. "I was thinking about pasta tonight. Sound good?" (yes) "Great, I'll start the spaghetti, you chop up the salad stuff, we'll be done in no time! Heck, I'll add meatballs. Sound good?"

Notice the yes/no question at the end you KNOW he's going to say yes to? That's a trick that snookers him into saying "yes" at the end of a sentence that included things he doesn't normally say yes to... like making salad. But the meatballs... "yes!" Cute, huh?

If the TV doesn't turn off during dinner, talk anyway. Don't talk about the TV, but talk to him. Just before dinner is done, politely offer, "Let's knock out these dishes together and I'll get to that neck rub you know you deserve....(wink)(wink)(nuzzle)(nuzzle)" Playful, inviting, and again you ended with something he WANTS... so maybe the dishes get a helper tonight. The whole time you're doing dishes together, play with him. Poke fun. Laugh, smile, flirt your butt off.

Then reward him. Whatever he wants. Don't point out the reward is in response to his help through the night, it's just you paying attention to him.

If he wants to sit and watch TV, sit with him. Don't clean around him in huff, sit with him. "What are we watching? Anything interesting?" If not, grab a book and read next to him.

STAY with him. If the computer is setup in a separate room, add a lounge chair next to it you can sit in to talk to him or read when he's in there.

You can't do all of this at once. But over time the "we" talk and the fact that you actually WAIT for the "we" things before some things get done at all should take affect. You will need to do this on some things normally HE does, like yardwork, or helping gather the trash. Add the "we" in there as well.

Later, more household things may slip into the "we" category. Remember, at all times this is an encouragement process, not a nagging one. You can patiently wait until he's ready to do the things on your target list, then do them happily, ignore his begrudging boredom and praise and flirt with him during. Thank him later, reward him in ways you know will make him smile.

Men are puppy dogs. We are pure and simple creatures of effect and reward. It's embarrassing. Women who whine for us to be different have no idea how easy it is to convert us if they simply use the right mindset. The Russian scientist Pavlov figured it out... reward and positive feedback can get a mammal to do anything.

[ZoeMarie]

Thank you SOO much for that. I'll have to try some of those ideas. The thing of it is, every time he does do something that I appreciate, even if it's just cleaning up after himself I say thank you. And I understand what you're saying about talking to him while he's watching TV. He doesn't even realize I'm talking to him. Or he'll answer me, but subconsciously and doesn't remember that I was even talking to him. His mom cracks me up. She says stuff like "I AM SOOO SORRY. I've been trying with him for years." lol

[ZoeMarie]

I forgot to add, I do the yard work and take out the trash. Lol

[TrueFaith]

I can't really add more to what JB said I think that is the perfect way to do it

But

What a great person you :) I know a lot of

People would kill for someone like you

And he is taking it a bit for granted you guys do love each other which is great
But he is a boy and lord knows us boys do have a hard time helping round the house at least some of us do.

My girl did the best thing with me. She didn't nagg. Never nagg :)

She made it so everything is kind of 50 50. Like if she cooks dinner I do the washing up. And as I hate washing up I normaly cook the dinner.
But if she does cook then I wash up,
As for helping round the house. She did tell me that

Taking out the trash was the biggest turn on I could do for her. So I did. I guess we need a carrot in front of our faces to do things.

This guys does not sound like he will need that much work he loves you and I am sure if you tell him how you feel. And if he says you do it for us. Then say yeah I do. But now you should do it for us as well

[ZoeMarie]

Thanks, I appreciate that. I try so hard not to nag. I'm sure he sees it as me nagging but if he would just do what I've asked the first time when I do ask nicely, then I wouldn't have to keep asking. I'll try the suggestions that I got and see how it works. Thank you both so much!

[JBeaucaire]

That's why I want you to pick one or two things to work on, not everything. And he's right. You WOULD do the dishes and take out the trash in your own place, right? So, you can't win against selfish but accurate arguments. Don't bother.

Just pick something to work on the "we" things with, and pick something that needs to be his thing, and just stop doing it. Trash would be an interesting battle of wills, wouldn't it?

"Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes. Can you empty the trash for me so I have something to clean into afterwards? Thanks."

Then put dinner on the table after the trash is taken out.

[talaniman]

I got house broke the old fashion way, if I didn't like the way she did it, do it myself, and nothing like no clean underwear to get the laundry done. Its that's simple,let him fend for himself.

[ZoeMarie]

I got house broke the old fashion way, if I didn't like the way she did it, do it myself, and nothing like no clean underwear to get the laundry done. Its thats simple,let him fend for himself.

Funny you should mention that. I kind of started that. He asked me where his pajama pants were and I said I didn't know I was supposed to keep track of them. I have no idea where they went but I do know that wherever they are they are dirty because he had been wearing them for almost a week before he lost them. Lol

[ZoeMarie]

OK, so update... I made breakfast this morning and afterward he cleaned all the dishes in the sink, not just the ones from breakfast but the ones from the previous night too, the ones I said I would do in the morning. I did talk to him about everything that was bothering me Tuesday night and he was pissed at me at the time but Wednesday morning when I said I was sorry about everything he said it was OK and that he understood. Making progress... =)

[JBeaucaire]

Remember... mammals love rewards and respond more quickly to them.

[ZoeMarie]

yes I know... =) thank you.

[ZoeMarie]

Aaaand... this morning he shoveled the driveway! I ran outside in my pajamas and gave him a hug and kiss. Lol

[JBeaucaire]

Don't forget the cookies... and backrub. Hehe...

[ZoeMarie]

I know! =)

[TrueFaith]

A wise women once told me

The most romatic thing you can do for a women.

Is take out the trash.


Thanks mom ;)


Its all about the little things

Glad to hear things are going well!

[EN Ken]

When he finally asks when you're going, reply, "Oh, we need to get groceries...ok, when do we want to go? Tonight? I don't have anything planned, sounds like fun, let's go!" All positive and happy and eager an UNACCUSING.

If he won't go or says for you to go alone, "No, I can wait til you're free. So, what are we going to do tonight?" Go buy groceries together when he's ready.

"I was thinking about pasta tonight. Sound good?" (yes) "Great, I'll start the spaghetti, you chop up the salad stuff, we'll be done in no time! Heck, I'll add meatballs. Sound good?"

I have to say that, being the person I am, I would very quickly become irritated with a woman who did all these things. It is something that I would consider extremely disrespectful.

With that said, I do come from a different place when it comes to relationships. I do not look for the women in my life to cater to my whims and to take care of things for me when I can do them myself. That is essentially what your husband is doing, which is why these tactics have worked as well as they have. My comments are more of a note to anyone else reading this that if a guy is actually taking care of things and you try to change him and get him to do things that he doesn't think are not his responsibility to do, you stand a good chance of losing him.

[DeleteAndBan]

Didn't you notice this before he married you ?

Or is Marriage now his safetyline since it makes it harder for you to leave and will make it easier for him to just do what he wants.

I agree with enken about the paternalizing treatment you give him. Giving someone a reward is OK, but are your going to give him rewards for every thing he does now? Forever?

What if you stop giving rewards, will he stop doing the stuff ? (because unfortunately he is not REALLY a dog so he will not, after 1 reward, expect it to be given forever)

[JBeaucaire]

There are several groups of men out there. The most extreme are:

The guys who don't do anything without motivation (you know who you are...)
The guys who don't need motivation to do things...

If the suggestions I've made outright offend you, then you are most likely not in the camp of the people from which the OPs husband resides.

From a motivational standpoint, I have to say you are right that this stuff SHOULDN'T be necessary. But for a huge portion of the male community... it is.

Further, once you start, it may indeed have to go on for quite some time. But one should never underestimate the power of "habit". First, if it becomes a "habit" for a caring, committed couple to look for positive ways to reward one another, that's a useful habit. And once a man has truly experienced long-term the benefits helping his mate out on things she really wants help on that he wasn't helping prior, he may just develop that as a "habit", too, and the rewards become less necessary.

Keep in mind, the OP has a specific mate with specific issues she's trying to deal with. If you don't fall into that same category of "type", you're not going to have this issue nor need these kinds of "methods" used on you.

[talaniman]

Negotiate, and adjust. Learn them both, as you will need those skills forever.