[hannah_nicole]

I just can't seem to stop myself from getting jealous over stuff I know is ridiculous - if I think about him being with the other girls he had been with before even knowing me I get worked up, angry & insecure or if he looks at a pretty girl I keep asking him about it why etc till we end up in an argument. I don't know what to do or how to change it. Will I grow out of this? I don't know why I am like this I know he's a good guy I can trust. He is at his wits end and has had enough. Please help!

[vexation]

Hello
I will say that if this habit of yours does`nt stop - you will lose him.
The green eyes monster goes away with self confidance -- you know the trigger points at which time you say a little something to yourself - Stop you are better than this I am developing my life the beat way I know how
I will not put all my eggs in one basket
I want to lead a rich and full life - patiance exploration adventure
I am a good person

[liz28]

Number one you can't undo the past. What he did in the past was done long before you came in the picture and that's something you have to accept.

We all look at people in passing, I do it and so does my fiancé, that's normal. Looking is harmless and the only time it would become a problem with me is if my better half was staring.

You stated he is a great guy and that's good. Do you know how hard it is to find a great guy and if your behavior continues you will lose him. Focus on making this relationship work and have fun with one another and stop worrying about things that can't be undo. You know you have insecurities, work on them to give this relationship a chance and stop arguing over sillly things.

[talaniman]

I think they best cure for low self esteem, and insecurity, is to set small goals for yourself, and accomplish them.

Do things you enjoy, and learn to be happy who you are.

Love the person you see in the mirror, and treat her very well. She deserves it.

[JBeaucaire]

Admire the girls with him. Ask him about his history. Own the reality of it.

Being 100% comfortable in your own skin is the only cure for jealousy. Jealousy stems from the (pointless) fear you are going to lose someone. If you are comfortable with your life, your goals, and your character, losing a dating endeavor should be irksome, not catastrophic. Your life should EASILY bear the coming and going of boyfriends.

The point is to have a life worth admiring yourself. Are you doing things (that don't include MEN) worth admiring?

Wrapping your whole existence up around a boyfriend is a recipe for failure. Get some stuff going in your life that benefits the world, that's a life worth admiring. Once you have that, your boyfriends have something to admire in you, too, other than your interest in them.

That's important.

[Romefalls19]

I suffered from jealousy issues my entire last relationship. I was only able to conquer my insecurities when I went to therapy and started using techniques learned there to better understand why I was getting jealous of stuff and adding more to a story to make it worse.

There are plenty of books also available for this condition as well. First step is realizing it is in fact your problem and not his

[hannah_nicole]

Thanks for the answers - I know it is only my insecurities driving this, he has never given me a reason to doubt him. But where do I start? Is seeing a counselor advisable? How do I stop my mind triggering about these silly things and stewing in them until I just have to say something about it?

[kp2171]

Well, the answer isn't one dimensional because the situation isn't one dimensional...

From your previous posts you've been concerned about "feeling fat and frumpy", felt frustrated with your partner going to strip clubs, and frustrated with his lack of sex drive.

So this is part self esteem, part frustration with his being unattentive.

Were he attentive, would you feel this way? Maybe... if you feel like you aren't in the shape you'd like to be, others who are perceived as "better in shape" are seen as a threat. The fact he likes sex on his terms doesn't help a thing.

So to answer this you need to think about what's the root cause here. Have you ever felt comfortable in your own body? Have you always been frustrated in relationships? I know you are young, 19, right? So maybe there isn't much history... but still, if he were giving and attentive could you deal with the fact that he's been with other women before you.

In the end, you just cannot hold your lovers past against him (or her)... its not fair. You choose to be with him now, in the now.

I don't hold it against my lover that she had more partners before we met. I don't hold it against her that she was engaged to another man, and very deeply in love with yet another that she now works with. It's the past.

But I wonder how much of this comes from you guys not having enough "overlap"... that he's that "great guy" who has become lazy, and you are doing all the work to try to figure out what is wrong. Is it him? Is it you?

I think, maybe, you are doing all the heavy lifting here and its wearing you down.

At some point you choose.

You choose to talk openly and honestly to your partner and you see what his response is. If its not to your liking, you choose... if you choose to stay, you accept that he is "this way" and you have a choice to leave. If you choose to leave you accept that, even though he's a "great guy", the comfort of the familiar isn't enough when familiar leaves you wanting more.

I'm a jealous man. If I see a man kissing my wife, Lord help me, ill probably go to jail for putting him through a wall.

But I trust her completely. She's sexy as sin, loves to flirt, but I really believe she is committed to me and this relationship. So if boys in seattle want to try to drink her under the table, OK. If the guy in mexico, whose clearly smitten with her and would bed in in a heartbeat, works his charm on her as best he can, OK.

I've had two great loves cheat on me. I understand betrayal.

But I also know I'm with a woman of great character and who believes that marriage is a covenant. Maybe ill be wrong someday, but my trust in her is greater than my raging irish temper. Not by much, but enough.

So... you need to think about what's going on here. Personally, I think he's being unattentive and a jerk, and its making you look inward for reasons he's not being as good to you as you deserve.