[wolfdentd]

I am in Iraq and my 16 yr old step son is making life a living hell for his mother. He says he wants to be emansipated. My home of record is Montana and would like to know if anyone has had this experience and what they did.

[Fr_Chuck]

So most 16 year olds make their parents life a living hell. Been there 4 times already. So he wants to e emansipated, tell him no, set up rules he must follow, if not find him a good boot camp.
She has a tough job because of your carrer ( assuming you are in the military) But at this point I think the actual state wife and son lives in will take authority over the emansipation not the home of record. But that would be for the courts to decide.

[stinawords]

Not all states allow emancipation and the ones that do make it very difficult because they don't want them to end up on welfare. So here are some criteria that he must meet before a judge will even entertain the idea if he even lives in a state that allows it. First, he has to be enrolled in school and stay enrolled until he graduates high school. Second, he has to have his own place to live not with friends or family his own place where he pays the rent and utilities. Third, a job that will not only allow him to stay in school but also pay enough to pay his rent, utilities, food, transportation to and from work and school and some judges will even figure in clothing because even though I'm sure he has it his mother could keep it because she is the one that bought it. Fourth, he has to have all of this in writing in a plan of how he will succeed with his life if he is to be emanicpated including a letter from the landlord that he will be renting from saying how much the rent is and that he will actually be allowed to rent (hard do do if under 18), and current paystubs to show earnings are enough to support him. So if he meets all of this criteria (not just two out of three but ALL) then he might have a shot. If not tell your wife to buckle down, most of us on here have kids and no one will tell you it's all peaches and roses.

[froggy7]

You know, if the kid is the one asking to be emancipated, it might be enough to say "sure", and give him the list that stina posted. If he really wants to be emancipated, he will buckle down and do that, and that can only make life easier on the mother. If he doesn't want to buckle down, then the mother can give him choices: live by my rules under my roof, boot camp, etc. But she will have something that she can point to and say "when you are 18, I do not legally have to support you anymore, and this is what you will be expected to do for yourself." It might be enough of a wake-up call that the kid will straighten up.

[JudyKayTee]

I am in Iraq and my 16 yr old step son is making life a living hell for his mother. He says he wants to be emansipated. My home of record is Montana and would like to know if anyone has had this experience and what they did.

Depending on the circumstances, how bad or dangerous the home situation is, your wife has the ability to petition the Court to have him emancipated (so the two of you are no longer legally responsible for him). It's not at his request; it's a sort of person in need of supervision type petition. The Court can then take charge and place him in foster care, in a youth home, totally emancipate him (which I doubt would happen).

Again - depends on how bad the situation is.

Does your wife want him emancipated?

[Gem_22205]

Emancipation is only one of several alternatives available to your family.

* Family counseling or mediation service between parents and child.
* Living with another responsible adult (aunt, uncle, grandparent, or family friend).
* Seeking assistance from public and private agencies.
* An informal agreement with parents allowing child to live outside the family home.

Your step son is either going to learn to live by the family rules and guidelines or ,heaven forbid, be subjected to living by the rules of a boot camp or similar placement.

[Gem_22205]

You are absolutely correct califdadof3. When providing the link I was going to include just that point before posting the information. Thank-you for catching that.

[wolfdentd]

Unfortunately his bio-dad lives in Missouri, I have aunts and uncles in the area but would not subject them to his attitudes and behavior. My wife has a brother that lives in the state, but they have enough on their plate too.

I will not subject my mother or her mother to his behavior either. He has gotten violent and destructive in the last couple of months and my wife cannot control him. We have started talking about a group home setting and counciling, but of course he is against it. He doesn't think he needs it.

As for friends of his, I don't think that his friends parents need to be drawn into this drama, it's not their responsibility.

Thanks for the feedback

[stinawords]

Even though his dad lives in another state would he be willing to take him? He would generally be next in line anyway and if he says he can't take him either you can think more seriously about counseling even if the kid dosen't want to go. I hope it all works out for all of you involved.

[JudyKayTee]

unfortunately his bio-dad lives in Missouri, I have aunts and uncles in the area but would not subject them to his attitudes and behavior. My wife has a brother that lives in the state, but they have enough on their plate too.

I will not subject my mother or her mother to his behavior either. He has gotten violent and distructive in the last couple of months and my wife cannot control him. We have started talking about a group home setting and counciling, but of course he is against it. He doesn't think he needs it.

As for friends of his, I don't think that his friends parents need to be drawn into this drama, it's not their responsibility.

Thanks for the feedback

This is going to sound far more critical than I mean it but I don't know how else to say it - maybe it should be less about what your stepson thinks and more about what his mother and you think. Basically, who cares that he thinks he doesn't need a group home and counselling - ? If he's violent and out of control at 16, guess what he'll be like at 18?

[spyderglass]

Children are the product of their environment, why is he acting out? Did something happen recently to make him act like this? Let me just say, I was a step-child myself, I made life a living hell for my mom and step-dad, but when he married my mother he imposed some over-the-top rules. I moved in with my father when I was 14 and I still had problems, but I turned out okay in the end. He is a teenager and he is 'pulling at the bit' he is feeling a sense of newfound independence and he needs a positive way to express it. I got a job when I was 16 and that helped everyone out a lot. Good luck!

[cdad]

Children are the product of their environment, why is he acting out? Did something happen recently to make him act like this? Let me just say, I was a step-child myself, I made life a living hell for my mom and step-dad, but when he married my mother he imposed some over-the-top rules. I moved in with my father when I was 14 and I still had problems, but I turned out okay in the end. He is a teenager and he is 'pulling at the bit' he is feeling a sense of newfound independence and he needs a positive way to express it. I got a job when I was 16 and that helped everyone out alot. Good luck!

I have to disagree here with this statement. Children are not a product of their environment. They are a result of it. To use such a statement would imply there is an ideal situation that would result in perfect children every time. That's not going to happen. Economic and social levels can have a bearing on ones own experience but bottom line is each child is an individual and that can't be stripped away into some formula. Sometimes tough love works best and serves as a wakeup call. For others there is little hope but for them to fail before they realize they are on the wrong path. Environment allows for choices or the lack there of but in no way does it come with any absolute outcome.

[JudyKayTee]

Children are the product of their environment, why is he acting out? Did something happen recently to make him act like this? Let me just say, I was a step-child myself, I made life a living hell for my mom and step-dad, but when he married my mother he imposed some over-the-top rules. I moved in with my father when I was 14 and I still had problems, but I turned out okay in the end. He is a teenager and he is 'pulling at the bit' he is feeling a sense of newfound independence and he needs a positive way to express it. I got a job when I was 16 and that helped everyone out alot. Good luck!

In view of your posted problems with your addiction I have to wonder about your point of view - if this is your experience in your father's house, beginning at age 14, I have to question the whole "product of their environment" theory. Sounds like neither parent was able to handle you and your issues. I have no idea what your step father's "over the top" rules were, however.

Everyone makes choices at every age. Some are good. Some are bad. In this case the step-father is gone and the mother is coping with this kid.

I think you are very, very wrong to point the finger at the parent (and step parent).

I'll go back to my question which remains unanswered - who cares what this kid thinks he needs or doesn't need. Maybe the inmate should stop running the asylum and an adult should take over and make adult decisions.

[spyderglass]

I'm merely offering up my point of view. Sure I've had all of those problems. I'm not trying to point fingers here. But being in a mixed family is hard, whether you are the parent or the child. Maybe this boy is having problems with friends at school. I don't know. I realize there are other factors that come into play when raising a child. I was offering up a different perspective, when you look at an object from one perspective you see a flat square, when you look from another you see a cube- sometimes you need to look at things from ALL angles to see the whole picture.
Peace

[spyderglass]

And for the record, I had no addiction problems when I was a teenager. That started when I left my home. Most of my problems were because I was a different religion than my Baptist family.

[wolfdentd]

My wife seems to think that chris is acting out because he feels abandoned by both his bio-dad and me. When ever something doesn't go exactly the way they are planned from the beginning, he feels he's being lied too. I have been in I raq for 2 years and it looks like I am going to come back again. Even though I told him I was done.
One other thing, he seems to think that we have to buy him everything that he wants and I have told him no. It comes from more of his actions and attitudes that prevent me from doing the things he wants. If he did the things asked of him without a big hassle, I would be inclinced to get him these things.
Now my wife feels like she is having to chose between me and her child. ( I do not like this position)

[spyderglass]

Do you have any kind of 'reward' system in place? Something that he can work for, with chores and good behavior? Have you tried talking to him one-on-one maybe? To find out the root of his behavior?

[JudyKayTee]

I'm merely offering up my point of view. Sure I've had all of those problems. I'm not trying to point fingers here. But being in a mixed family is hard, whether you are the parent or the child. Maybe this boy is having problems with friends at school. I don't know. I realize there are other factors that come into play when raising a child. I was offering up a different perspective, when you look at an object from one perspective you see a flat square, when you look from another you see a cube- sometimes you need to look at things from ALL angles to see the whole picture.
peace

I understand there are many sides to this - I work in the legal system, I've investigated on behalf of parents, step parents, children, interested parties, and I think I've seen most of those sides. I'm also a mother and a stepmother.

I felt you were pointing fingers at the parents, the environment, making excuses. In this case when the stepfather is overseas, somewhat preoccupied, I see no point in blaming anyone.

[spyderglass]

I wasn't, but I see how what I wrote could have been taken as that. I don't mind being called out if someone thinks I've 'spoken' out of turn. :)

[JudyKayTee]

I wasn't, but I see how what I wrote could have been taken as that. I don't mind being called out if someone thinks I've 'spoken' out of turn. :)

As Chihuahua Momma said - "If only we could post facial expressions when we post words."

(Do I have to pay her royalties if I keep quoting her? I hope not.)