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    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #21

    Oct 12, 2008, 10:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ArticMonkey View Post
    heyy are you still there?
    Yes, I'm still here. I just wrote you a pretty long post and it took me a little while to compose it. You do have my attention here and I do want to help you!
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    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #22

    Oct 12, 2008, 10:21 PM

    I'm tierd of looking in the mirror and only seeing me when your right next to me
    I'm tierd of waiting for your calls the times you said you would call and you didn't
    I'm tierd of waiting for you to pull me out of the water so I don't drown
    I'm tierd of running after you when you turn your back
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    #23

    Oct 12, 2008, 10:28 PM

    Clough Why do you call and why do you stare, and why do you tell me to beware?

    Why do you hug and why do you kiss, and why do you always seem to miss?

    Is this because you love me, or because you don't, or maybe because you won't?
    Clough What do you think? It would work, musically.

    The above would be a good first verse for your song. Any idea as to what you would like to be the title of your song? My initial thought for a title would be, "Do You Really Love Me?"

    Also, is this song about someone that you like, or just some random thoughts that you have and wanted to make into a poem?

    Thanks!
    ArticMonky yea it I like that name and its just some ranodm stuff
    I like the re write to thanks
    Since this thread went on to another page, I decided to quote some things from previous posts so that the thread would be easier to follow and read.

    How about us working on a chorus for your song?

    It might begin something like the following:

    Do you really love me, and do you really care...

    If you'd like to do this, would you please write something to continue the chorus? You can always change anything that I've written. I'm just trying to give you some ideas and tips. It is your song and need to reflect how you think and feel.

    Thanks!
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    #24

    Oct 12, 2008, 10:31 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ArticMonkey View Post
    im tierd of looking in the mirror and only seeing me when your right next to me
    im tierd of waiting for your calls the times you said you would call and you didnt
    im tierd of waiting for you to pull me out of the water so i dont drown
    im tierd of running after you when u turn your back
    Is the above the second verse for your song? Please let me know.

    Thanks!
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    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #25

    Oct 12, 2008, 10:32 PM

    Umm ill work on it to night I have to go now have a good evening thank you
    Xx
    Sam
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    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #26

    Oct 12, 2008, 10:34 PM

    I guess I'm not quiet sure if it would fitt any way I have to goo good bye
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #27

    Oct 12, 2008, 10:37 PM

    Do you have school tomorrow?
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    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #28

    Oct 12, 2008, 11:03 PM

    Okay, I can see that you're no longer online here. So, I do wish you a goodnight and pleasant dreams!

    If what is below what you intended for the second verse, then there is a re-write of that below it. Musically, it will fit better with your first verse.

    ArticMonkey I'm tierd of looking in the mirror and only seeing me when your right next to me
    I'm tierd of waiting for your calls the times you said you would call and you didn't
    I'm tierd of waiting for you to pull me out of the water so I don't drown
    I'm tierd of running after you when you turn your back
    Tired of looking in the mirror, only seeing me there, 'specially when you're right here beside me.

    Tired of waiting for your calls, when you said you'd call, 'specially when you said you would.

    Tired of waiting for you, to help me out of water, so that I might not drown.

    I also dropped the last sentence so that the stanza would be better to match the first verse.

    Things are developing here and you're doing a good job! Please keep trying!

    I would like for you to check out the virtual keyboard that' on the following site. VIRTUAL KEYBOARD - PIANO

    When we're on here at the same time sometime, I can show you how to play your song.

    Thanks!
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    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #29

    Oct 13, 2008, 09:37 PM

    Chorus
    Do you really love me
    Do you really miss me
    Or is this just a dream I'm living?
    If not won't you send someone to wake me from my night mares

    v3

    Can you see I'm stronger now
    I've made myself move on
    I won't keep running back
    I'm now justa stranger on the street
    I won't let you pull me down any longer

    v4
    So don't cry when you wake
    Cause I won't be there to comfort you
    Cause I have gone I have moved on now babe




    How's this?
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #30

    Oct 13, 2008, 09:56 PM

    Hi, ArticMonkey!

    Thanks for doing so much additional work!

    Please give me a some time to look at and work on what you have added.

    Looks like you have some great ideas!

    What did you think of my revision to verse #2, please?

    Thanks!
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    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #31

    Oct 13, 2008, 09:59 PM

    Yea I like it
    Clough's Avatar
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    #32

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ArticMonkey View Post
    ill ask the teachers but i wont be going to the school much longer as i am getting a full time job
    I don't know where you're located, and I don't need to know that. However, don't you need to be in school until a certain age where you are located?

    Thanks!
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    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #33

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:18 PM
    I'm in [edited]
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    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #34

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:27 PM

    Sam, because of your age, I needed to remove your location from your post in order to protect your privacy. I would hate to have someone who you didn't want to contact you, try to contact you, because of knowing your location and because of information they already might find out about you because of your being on this site.

    Thank you for your understanding.

    I would still appreciate knowing if you are required to be in school until a certain age.

    I'm also working on your song right now.

    Thanks!
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    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #35

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:30 PM

    Yea until your 16 I'm leavn next year to get a full time job
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #36

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ArticMonkey View Post
    yea until your 16 im leavn next year to get a full time job
    Thanks! Do you live with both your parents, and if not, what is the relationship of the person or persons to you with whom you are living, please?

    I'm done with the revision and compilation of your song and will be posting it shortly. It's not perfect and will most likely take some additional work.

    Thanks!
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    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #37

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:45 PM
    Below, is your song with the suggested revisions. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

    Verse 1
    Why do you call and why do you stare, and why do you tell me to beware?
    Why do you hug and why do you kiss, and why do you always seem to miss?
    Is this because you love me, or because you don't, or maybe because you won't?

    Verse 2
    Tired of looking in the mirror, only seeing me there, 'specially when you're right here beside me.
    Tired of waiting for your calls, when you said you'd call, 'specially when you said you would.
    Tired of waiting for you, to help me out of water, so that I might not drown.

    Verse 3
    Can you see I'm stronger now
    I've made myself move on
    I won't keep running back
    I'm now justa stranger on the street
    I won't let you pull me down any longer

    Verse 3 Revision - Please let me know what you think.
    Can't you see I'm stonger and made myself move on? I won't keep running back...
    To you I'm just a stranger now, walking down the street, I won't let you pull me down any longer.
    (Needs one more part here to complete it.)

    Verse 4
    So don't cry when you wake
    Cause I won't be there to comfort you
    Cause I have gone I have moved on now babe

    Verse 4 Revision - Please let me know what you think.
    So, don't cry when you wake, and I'm not around, 'cause I won't be there for you anymore
    I have moved on now, a thing I had to do, but still don't really know inside of me.
    It's a choice I've made, because I never know if or whether you really care. (to chorus)

    Chorus
    Do you really love me
    Do you really miss me
    Or is this just a dream I'm living?
    If not won't you send someone to wake me from my night mares

    Chorus - Revision - Please let me know what you think.
    Do you really love me and do you really miss me? Or, am I living just a dream?
    If it's not a dream, but to me it seems it is, would you send someone to wake me from my nightmares?
    ArticMonkey's Avatar
    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #38

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:47 PM

    I live with my dad and his evil wife
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #39

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:52 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ArticMonkey View Post
    i live with my dad and his evil wife
    It sounds like there are more things that need to be discussed here, Sam! Please know that I and others here really care about you. If needed, depending on how things go here, I will call in others to this thread who will be able to give you excellent advice concerning anything that might be troubling you. You are safe here, and much safer than you might be on many other sites!

    I take it that his wife isn't your real mom. Is that true?
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    ArticMonkey Posts: 78, Reputation: 2
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    #40

    Oct 13, 2008, 10:55 PM

    Yea that's true and thanks for the support but I'm OK and I like working with you I have me mates and some adult mates that I can go to but thanks for the concern
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