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    sphyncx's Avatar
    sphyncx Posts: 50, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    May 24, 2006, 05:43 PM
    Psychological thing?
    I've know this girl for almost a year, but we have only been dating for about 4 months. Everything is great, nothing is wrong... except myself. I'm better now then I have been with it in the beginning of the relationship but it's still there and I want to null it out. This mostly has to do with other guys talking to her... on her myspace or online... not in person --- especially if I'm there. I get jelouse and a red light automatically goes off saying that she might be flirting with other guys or trying to get with them, which really isn't the case. I don't get jelouse when I'm there and she is talking to a guy friend or something like that in person... expecially when I'm there as stated above. Personally she's just a nice person and what not and I don't believe that she is flirting. But in my mind it just hits a soft spot.

    I've had prior relationships where I have been played and cheated on so...
    I don't know, how can I fix this? What's wrong? etc.
    aqua@home's Avatar
    aqua@home Posts: 565, Reputation: 107
    Senior Member
     
    #2

    May 24, 2006, 09:58 PM
    sphyncx,
    I'm the same way. I think anyone would get a little nervous after having been cheated on. I have no advice for you, except just try to keep control of it. Have you talked to her about it? Maybe you two could discuss this now so it doesn't snowball later. Take care.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    May 25, 2006, 05:47 AM
    Hi,
    Jealousy is a bad attitude, especially if it's carried too far. When you aren't around and she is online with someone else, it's normal not to be jealous, simply cause you don't know anything about it!
    I have been married for 29 yrs, and my wife has friends online, some men, some women, who "talk" online. I have no reason to be jealous. Your friend can do anything she wants online. Does she also date others, in person?
    This is something you have to work on. If it continues, it will ruin any relationship fast. No girl or woman wants to be with a man who doesn't trust her. She has the right to talk with anyone she wants to.
    Hopefully, you both with talk about it. Don't be surprised if she tells you that you worry too much. That's called "jealousy". Best of luck.
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    May 25, 2006, 05:55 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sphyncx
    I've know this girl for almost a year, but we have only been dating for about 4 months. Everything is great, nothing is wrong...except myself. I'm better now then i have been with it in the beginning of the relationship but it's still there and i want to null it out. This mostly has to do with other guys talking to her...on her myspace or online...not in person --- expecially if i'm there. I get jelouse and a red light automatically goes off saying that she might be flirting with other guys or trying to get with them, which really isn't the case. i don't get jelouse when i'm there and she is talking to a guy friend or something like that in person...expecially when i'm there as stated above. Personally she's just a nice person and what not and i don't believe that she is flirting. but in my mind it just hits a soft spot.

    i've had prior relationships where i have been played and cheated on so...
    i dunno, how can i fix this? what's wrong? etc.
    When you have hurt and cheated on in the past it is bound to make you feel insecure. But you have to learn to trust her and have a little faith. Without trust you and this girl have nothing anyway.

    You need to learn to relax and tell yourself when she is chatting with other guys - its no big deal, I have no cause to worry!

    She has chosen to be with you; so you must enjoy your time together and not let your jelousy get in the way; Jelousy will make you become clingy and soon question her every move, to which you will lose her because she will see "You don't trust her".

    You have to put your past down to expereince and trust this girl will not do the same. You should know her character by now and you have already said she is a good person. You need to let go of your past and move forward!
    fairy-dust's Avatar
    fairy-dust Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    May 25, 2006, 07:28 AM
    I know that the past will never leave you because of all the hurt from past girlfriend,s but I think that you really need to let go of it, you can't really say that if the past has treated you bad then she will do the same if that was the case then I would be doomed lol, I think you need to talk to her about this I am sure she didn't want to make you feel like this, but if this doesn't help you I would surgest that you took a break away from her to sort your issues out from the past out otherwise if you feel that way with her because of your past you will feel like that in every realshionship you have. If there's no trust then how can it go forward from here??
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #6

    May 25, 2006, 08:23 AM
    A handy trick for making the past stay in the past is to ask yourself "How's my NOW?" Look around, see that NOW all is well and react to that.

    Tell yourself IF and WHEN that changes, you will react to it then and not sooner. Trying to reach into the future and react, although an understandable self defensive measure, is still pointless and doesn't work.

    Keep chanting to yourself... "That was then, this is now" as a way to draw an effective line between past and future.

    If you don't ease up, it is entirely possible that your excessive worry will cause the future to duplicate the past, and this time you would be partly the cause. That closes the loop and then you can get "stuck" there. Not good! In this way its possible to kind of create our own "karma" so to speak, both good and bad. So draw that line!

    As strange as this sounds, I think, sometimes we get what we fear in order to learn to not fear it. It was a survivable event, albeit an undesirable one. So stay reasonable, stay in the present moment and give your future a fighting chance at being a new start for you.

    IF and WHEN you have established a PATTERN for picking women who cheat on you, we can talk about that, which is a whole other topic, okay?

    I hope this helps!
    sphyncx's Avatar
    sphyncx Posts: 50, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #7

    May 25, 2006, 11:43 AM
    thanks for the input, I've been trying to do what you all have suggested and it helped but it's still there a little bit. Randomly will come up time to long time. So I guess it really isn't an over night fix, rather a gradual bringing to what is a reality.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #8

    May 25, 2006, 01:14 PM
    Jealousy is such a bad feeling.

    It shouldn't matter - especially between you and her - saying anything will ruin things. SHE SHOUL NEBER HEAR/SEE if this bothers you. Trust me on this - WIldcat JUST went through this... even Wildcat.

    There is always other guys... ALWAYS!! You CAN'T care.

    Actually the best way to beat this and really only way, until you both agree to be exclusive, is to date others... see other women.
    sphyncx's Avatar
    sphyncx Posts: 50, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #9

    May 25, 2006, 10:45 PM
    Well honestly, I don't show it... use all the self control I have and just play it off like it's nothing. It comes and goes... like I'll have jeliousy spells... one day I'll have it and for 2 months I won't again. Weird.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
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    #10

    May 26, 2006, 05:27 AM
    HI,
    Thank you for posting back.
    I do suppose it's those "moments" about every 2 months that cause things to be bad. Maybe, by working on hard enough, really trying, get yourself to NOT feel anything like this.
    I love the phrase "Here in the Now" by another post. I could not give an "approval" comment, got a pop-up.
    This phrase is similar to "life is just today", treat others with respect, and one doesn't have to be concerned with tomorrow.
    Myth's Avatar
    Myth Posts: 897, Reputation: 147
    Senior Member
     
    #11

    May 26, 2006, 07:19 AM
    It sounds like you need an outlet to vent these feelings. Have you tried writing them down.. I would try doing something like that and realise that this girl isn't your ex's. She is her own person and shouldn't have to live up to what they did to you when they were their own people. Writing has always helped me put things like this in perspective and just getting it out and on paper helps to keep it from bottling up.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #12

    May 26, 2006, 12:20 PM
    OK, one thing you have to work on is the fact that NO girl is the same. The ones that cheated on you probably were never serious about you in the first place.

    The current girl, the one you've known long before you started going together - she's the one you have to keep in mind. You should also feel secure in her intentions by now. We girls don't waste so much time on someone we are not serious about.

    Ask yourself if she was going out with anyone special while getting to know you?
    Did she flirt with you before you got together?
    Did you also chat with her on the internet?
    What was it that got you interested in her in the first place?
    What outgoing qualities of her's most turned you on to her?

    I know these are a lot of questions, but you need to reflect on the answers in order to put things into perspective. Because how you met, how she acts in public and private have a lot to do with why you like her in the first place. - remember??

    If you admire the way she interacts with her friends and yours, why would you want to take that away from her by becoming a 'control freak'? We don't own the people we share life with - we do just that - SHARE.

    When you met her, she had more than just a cute shell, she had a mind, character, and certainly something in her eyes (a spark) that attracted you to her - not to mention her attitude toward life, and yes, her taste in men - or you would not be with her.

    So, come on, leave that stupid jealous monster in it's cage, let the girl communicate with whoever she wants - as long as she communicates her affections for you and spends quality time with you.

    Remember, you cannot control anyone twenty-four hours a day - and you wouldn't want to. You also would not like it if she thought of changing everything about you either.

    Focus on quality time in getting to know each other better, you're dating, not getting married tomorrow.

    A long lasting relationship needs to be nurtured and not stifled before it gets a start - you've got a long way to go, learn to be patient.

    Good luck, and keep us posted. Remember to keep jealousy in it's cage - because jealousy means insecurity and no trust!
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member
     
    #13

    May 28, 2006, 05:51 PM
    She really shouldn't be talking to other guys when you're there. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and ask her not to do it. If she can't comply then that's probably a red flag that indicates that she's not right for you.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member
     
    #14

    May 29, 2006, 12:50 PM
    I agree - huge red flag - she shouldn't be doing that.

    KEY POINT HERE: I say this over and over - SOME TIMES WE ARE IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA OF A RELATIONSHIP AND NOT NECESSARIALLY THAT PERSON.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #15

    May 29, 2006, 09:39 PM
    Sometimes we remember the past so much it clouds our thoughts and makes us see things that aren't there. Before you know it your in the same place again. Resolving past mistakes helps us make better choices in the future. This sometimes means not being in a relationship until you've gotten over the last one. It takes time to work on yourself!
    Jayjay027's Avatar
    Jayjay027 Posts: 153, Reputation: 31
    Junior Member
     
    #16

    May 30, 2006, 06:05 AM
    You say you only get jealousy spells every now and then.
    I suggest that you concentrate on how good things are between you two when you don't get these spells, and compare it to how tense things are when you do.
    Once you see the difference, it shouldn't be too hard to push the jealousy away.
    Best of luck.

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