[southerngalps]

It is probably not the sex. You said she initiated it a lot. Don't worry or stress about that. You guys are young. It is probably just that time for her to wonder off into the world.

[talaniman]

Your confidence, and self esteem, will come back, if you stop looking back at what you had, and look forward for what you want.

Its just that simple!

[hard_times]

Hi guys, I'm having a bit of a problem id like a bit of advice on. Since I have been single about 6 months I've had sum real ups and downs, but I'm glad to say my life is still going on meeting new friends occasionally, and I'm still having fun with my friends, mainly the lads,

But recently I'm becoming anxious at the thought of having sex again with another girl, I'm 20 but only been with one girl for about 18 months.
Since being single I have met sum girls who I haven't been that into but due to the situation I've attempted one night stands with them, and we end up just fooling around a bit, but then I pull away and just can't get aroused too have full sex something which some of my friends don't even have issues with apparently.
, my close friends think its just because I haven't met the right girl again, but I'm rele worried about this anxiety, I had it briefly with my ex, where I couldn't get it up for full intercourse on the first occasion, and she was happy to take things slow till we builded up to it, and then wow it was non stop till the break up, but I feel as I do not seem able to have sex early on in a relationship will this rele effect me in my 20s? Me and my ex were both young and new at it, but id hate to think that was the only reason she was happy to take it slow and build up to it. What's peoples experience and opinions on this? Is sexual confidence so crucial early on, to have success in your 20s?

Thanyou for your time.

[plonak]

I think you need to give yourself a break..

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to take it slow with someone new, that's in fact the smart thing to do.. less chances of getting STD's

You are young, I'm 24 and I still have sex issues (religious) that I'm working on..

If you continue to think that something's wrong with you, then you're just going to set yourself up for ED

Just relax, have fun and don't worry! And don't let your friends influence you to have one night stands. In my opinion, people having one night stands are unhealthy

[LifeChangesMan]

Yeah, just don't go looking for love.

[kctiger]

Yeah... it is almost like you are trying too hard to have a one night stand, just to prove to yourself you can have sex with another person. Personally, I REFUSE to have sex the first time I meet a girl. Don't do that kind of stuff, as it can have a lasting impact on your thought process.

Just enjoy getting to know different people, take it slow, and have fun... meaning you don't need to have sex with every hottie you bump in to.

[hard_times]

Yeah you guys make a lot of sense thank you, its been very hard to stay relaxed unforuantly, I have just been beating myself up over the fact that all these anx's have come back to haunt me, I thought they were gone when I over came them before in my last relationship, but I guess taking it slow is the answer, I hope if I do meet sumone again having sex means just us much to them as it does for me, it feels really wrong to me to do it with out liking every part of the person. Not to say I get to emotionally involved straight away, because I know that can scare people off, but yeah I think sex is just a nice bonus to being with the person your with, not the only goal, its fair to say I'm not ready for another relationship so its more than likley the reason.

[kctiger]

Just be classy, as you are. There isn't a man book out there that says you have to get laid nightly. That ain't how I roll, and I am happy to say I am proud of that. Ain't nothing wrong with getting to know someone, and keeping sex on a pedestal. Just be you...

[talaniman]

You seem to be more comfortable doing things a certain way, so stick to it, and not worry about forcing things. That what having control of your own life is all about, so don't worry.

[hard_times]

Hiya guys, last night I went out with my mates to just have a laugh at a club like we usually do, but id say about half an hour in my mate looked across theroom and kind of laughed and said "oh shi*t" I forced him to tell me what was up, and he said my ex was here, OK now here is where the problem is, its been 6 months, I haven't seen her since then, and when I looked over I saw someone who looked identical to her with a new guy,( thekinda guy I pictured she'd leave me for!). And I was furious, I didn't go over there or anything I was just feeling so sick and devastated. I can't believe how bad it got to me, I was so confident before I got there, I've rele hit the gym hard etc and have been feeling great about myself, and this incident just made me feel like a little jealous kid, who doesn't get what he wants. What's wrong with me guys this doesn't feel normal? I certainly don't want her back I'm over that, its just, she was reallly attractive, she was a model at her college, and I'm really having real issues over comparing her with other girls something which is really unfair and shallow I know, its just I can't find a girl who matches that, this is an issue which I feel has affected my progress getting back out there, are these normal reactions?

It turned out not to be her by the way, but look so much like her it brought back a lot of feelings I thoguht I was over, I'm really down about it.

[kctiger]

You clearly aren't over her yet, and that is fine. I honestly know I wouldn't feel good if I was in a situation like yours. It is fine man, nothing is wrong with you. Just continue to heal, and whatever you do, try and avoid places she might have a chance of being at. Don't over analyze what you saw or let it run around your mind too much.

[talaniman]

I certainly don't want her back I'm over that,

This incident only shows you that your as not as far along in the healing process as you thought, and you need more time. Just keep pushing forward.

[jmw0713]

I know what you mean man. My ex was super atttractive too and I'm struggling to find a match to that as well. We just have to hang in there and hope that this person will come one day.

Just remember, you met her and dated her, so why can't you do the samething again with an equally attractive girl...

Just something to think about as you move forward in the healing process.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

I'd say that's a totally normal reaction... I have hit the 8 month mark and I know that something like that would hit me hard. Like you I don't want her back, and have moved on quite well. I think seeing or hearing these things will always hit you hard initially... but as time goes on your resilience and ability to overcome it quickly gets better. I know it would hurt me badly initially but I know I would be over it within a day.

I think even you said Tal, in a post way back (pretty sure it was you) That you found out your ex was engaged... hit you hard for a second but then you overcame it very quickly.

So that's my point, I think it hurts everyone to some degree that an ex has moved on, even if you don't want them back... It's just a feeling you can't help. Just understand that like before this feeling will pass so don't let something as silly as this erase all the work you've done.

[hard_times]

*2 threads merged*

Its been 6 months and I can't forget my ex, I accidentally saw a pic of her online, and almost broke down as if its only just happened! its like what the hell! I know I'm quite a sensitive guy, but this is really annoying. I have mates who I'm sure have dealt with break ups better than this, like finding a new girl and happily carryying on. I just can't get interested in anyone else like I'm sure she has.. I still can't accept the concept of sumone loving you even when they say they want to break it off.. I know its over of course, don't contact her or anything, its just how long will I feel this upset, I've taken it so personally that I'm constantly depressed about myself worth and stuff. What else can I do?

[kctiger]

Boost your freaking self confidence. You cannot blame this on you. This is LIFE!! It happens man, as cliché as it sounds, it just happens. You are not proactive enough right now. Build a new life for yourself man, do things that make YOU happy... this is the best time to be selfish. Don't worry about how fast your friends got over it, this is about YOU. Whatever it takes, however long it takes (in a reasonable sense), it is all about YOU.

Get up, write a list of things down, and DO them. Rebuild a better life. Screw your ex, and what she is doing. It WILL NEVER MATTER again. What matters is how you define the rest of your life. The clock is ticking...

Carry on... :cool:

[zeeniee]

Hey hardtimes,

It is v difficult as many people would say, but in order to develop a better life for yourself, only YOU can create it. No one can.

Take a deep breath and like Kctiger said make a realistic list of things you can do that will help you feel better and make you a better person. Put some deadlines to it and so you know where your heading with it all. Break these plans up bit by bit and so your not overwhelmed with it all. Sometimes all you need to do is one good thing a day for You. With a bit of tweeking here and there you soon will feel better and will be able to embark your path in a much better way.

Don't worry about what your friends do or say, YOU take your time - the important thing is that you do whatever is right for you and only you.

With regards to the ex situation- it is a ex situation. So although your hurting v much- you must find a way with time to deal with your pain in a better way. This will come with time and with the right attitude. Right now your days are painful, eventually you will have some sunny rays in that day and then one day that whole day will be sunny.

Hope is what you must have. Faith is what you must believe in to succeed and past through these difficult times.

[liz28]

Getting over someone is hard and you have to take it day by day. However, you haven't completely let go of your ex and your healing starts with that, letting go and accepting the relationship is done. Your going be sad but sooner or later that frown is going turn upside down.

Now if you question your self-worth because of this girl than it might be time to talk to a professional. You shouldn't never let sometime get you down but you feel this way because your drowning yourself in this break-up.

It's a new day so start smiling, living and enjoy life because life is too short and tomorrow isn't promise. In life what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

[hard_times]

Thanks people, I just panicked a bit because I being taking everyone's advice so well, but I'm worried that it hasn't worked correctly or something, there's NC. I go to the gym to improve myself, I've almost graduated! I know things are OK in my life , I just want that feeling where I feel completely detached from any baggage and I feel complete on my own again. Im not a big fan of jumping into relationships, I like being young and with my mates, I just feel like I'm still being weighed down by this past experience. Just want to be free, from it all again. I probs just need more faith like you say zeeniee. This will be my last post on this subject! Promise. :)

[zeeniee]

Hey hard times- be free to talk about anything on this site- it is th ebest way to get things of your chest and the best thing is you will always get FEEDBACK!! So vent what ever you want to say- don't hold back!